Quintessential Dave Rae

The Power of Symbol

2012-01-24T03:11:00.000-06:00

When I watched the latest Indiana Jones movie a couple of years ago, I could not put my finger on it, but I know I didn't like it. It just didn't seem like an Indiana Jones movie. I wasn't the only one and people pointed to the scenes like Indy getting in the fridge and surviving the nuclear blast or the part with the monkeys as to why the movie was terrible. Those were distinctly bizarre things that do seem out of sync with the schema of the rest of the series, but the movie as a whole was lacking and I couldn't describe why. It was by no means as bad as the new Star Wars movies, but I definitely felt like they should have just left the legacy of Dr. Jones alone instead of having a complete trilogy plus one out of place one that was lacking.

Normally, I would not have worried about it anymore and just continue on with my life, but I have a friend who continues to insist that both the new Star Wars trilogy and the new Indiana Jones invigorates their respective franchises and are consistent with the established mythos of their series. My rational brain cannot fathom that and I try to simply state that I did not think they were even good movies on their own let alone the fact that they lived up to the status of their predecessors. He will not let it go and cannot fathom how it is possible for someone to hold such an opinion and I end up having to go back and have to present my case on why they are not good because it seems like I am the only one that is willing/stupid enough to engage him in this matter.

My case for why the new Star Wars movies (The Phantom Coherent Plot Line, The Attack of the Worst Romantic Lines Committed to Film and Revenge of the Moment Where Darth Vader Lost His Coolness) is, I feel, pretty solid. I could regale you with why that is, but frankly, I don't want to bore you and I believe that there are better sources to explain why they are not good even good movies (such as Red Letter Media's hour and a half long critique which is simply spectacular and I would watch all of those reviews over watching the actual movies any day). However, my case for why I don't like Indiana Jones was not as evident. It just didn't sit right. I've come to realize that the reasons people frequently point to as evidence that is a bad movie (the aforementioned nuclear fridge and swinging monkeys) are usually symptoms of a greater problem with the film.

However, I couldn't place it. It was indeed another one of the Red Letter Media reviews of the movie that helped me understand why the movie couldn't overcome it's weak points and be another great Indy film.

It was pointed out that the reason we love Indiana Jones is because girls want to be with him and guys want to be him. He is intelligent, witty, smooth with the ladies, adventurous, heroic, tough and principled. We don't watch these movies because we want to see him grow and develop as a character, you watch it because it would be awesome to outthink traps, steal idols, and dodge a rolling boulder. You can see this in other famous movie characters such as James Bond and Batman. These three characters do not usually develop that much over the course of their movies, but rather represent a certain ideal. Bond and Indy are two slightly different takes on the ideal of manliness and Batman is the ideal embodiment of justice. Then each movie tries to explore taking that ideal and testing it against various threats.

That's why the Joker is probably one of the most fascinating villains for Batman. The Joker brings an element of chaos into the picture that is a direct threat to the code of Batman. The Joker doesn't seek wealth or power, but rather unpredictable chaos. The fact that Batman stops him does not mean that the Joker lost, but rather the Joker has already won by forcing Batman to participate in the chaos.

This leads to a concept I've never really considered. These characters are symbols. They are placeholders for the audience. The audience knows what these characters would do in these situations and often judge the movie based on how the symbol is treated by the movie.

When the last two James Bond movies came out, you had some long time fans complain that it wasn't James Bond anymore. This was despite how good Casino Royale actually was. If you had no idea who James Bond was and watched that movie, it did a really good job, I believe. However, the Bond portrayed in the movie was different than some fans' idea of who Bond is and so they wrote it off. They may even admit that it was a good movie, but just a bad Bond movie. If he doesn't order a martini, shaken, not stirred or if he doesn't say, "Bond, James Bond" then it is not a Bond movie. If Q is not played by Desmond Llewelyn, then it's not Q. If there's no gadgets, its not a Bond movie.

However, we can stand that there can be different Bonds because over time, the ideal man that Bond is supposed to represent changes. As you go through the series, the actor playing Bond gets replaced so that the character generally stays in his forties. Despite how good Sean Connery was as Bond, after a while it would seem weird as the symbol of the ideal man as a seventy-year old running around and jumping off things as they blow up.

Batman needs to have money, technology, expert training and a superior intelligence in order to be the perfect tool for justice.

Sadly, it is the same for Indiana Jones. However the problem was not that Indy was now sixty-five, but they changed who Indy was and they changed how an Indy movie works. One might argue that it is good for a series to change with the times to which I say that you should shift gears completely and do a reboot. However, they changed the wrong things.

One of the hallmarks of Indiana Jones was his lack of nationalism. Indy stood by the ideal of preserving history and discovery and would fight clear evils, but he was not a pawn of the military. The new movie showed him as being a pawn by the Americans. It is also arguable that who is good and who is evil is blurry. The Americans are shown as a paranoid superpower with nuclear weapons and the Russians, it could be said, are trying to defend themselves with their own weapon.

Indiana had a violent streak and would often kill in cold blood, but now he is toned down. They added more family friendly elements like those animated (why are they animated?) gophers. Some may argue that those are good changes to the series to which I go back and say again, reboot the series because you are lying when you say it is the same series if you changing the core of the symbol.

In the last Indy film, they tried to have Indy change and develop over the movie and it messed with what is adored about the series because Indy is not a man, Indy is an idea.

Admittedly, another kind of movie has a great appeal and that is the one of the heroic journey. These movies are the ones where the character goes through a change over the course of the story. The character is different at the end than he was at the start. He overcomes trials and experiences victories and becomes his heroic self. These stories find their appeal in the idea that this is the story of every person. We are given the choice in life whether we will sit back and do nothing or venture out and face our fears and shortcomings and try to overcome them. These are the stories of Luke Skywalker from Star Wars, Neo from the Matrix, and Sam from Lord of the Rings. They are like us in that they reluctant to change, but as they journey down the rabbit hole, they overcome adversity and become their heroic selves. It inspires the audience that they too can choose to become the heroic versions of themselves. Luke, Neo and Sam are not ideas, they are us.

It is like the reverse of Batman, Bond and Indy. We want to be Batman, Bond and Indy who are distinct ideals that we wish we were but who we really are is Luke, Neo and Sam who have to journey to become more themselves.

Perhaps it was the appeal of the idea of having Indy develop and change over the movie that prompted the idea that they should change the tone and feel of the movie to fit it, but in doing so, hurt what made Indy so fun to watch. Indy is not a man, he is an idea.

Despite how much the prospect of having another Indiana Jones was, it was probably best to leave it in the past and simply treasure the symbol. I believe symbols are often far more powerful.

In the Batman Begins film, the idea of a symbol is talked about extensively. By Bruce Wayne fighting not as himself, but rather as a symbol of fear and using tactics that re-inforce that symbol, he becomes much more than one man fighting crime. He becomes an idea that reaches into the consciousness of the citizens. He becomes far more powerful.

The symbol of Indiana inspires us to put on the mantle of Indiana and to become like him. Of course, the symbol only goes so far, because he is fictional and it is something we can't really become.

This brings me to why am I talking about movies with such detail.

As I was thinking about Indiana Jones as a symbol, it brought me to the conundrum that is Jesus Christ. In many regards, Christ is a symbol. He has become the symbol of salvation, redemption, justice, mercy and love. Through his teachings and actions, he has become a symbol that inspires people. The interesting thing is that he calls us to take up his mantle.

Whereas the mantle of Indiana Jones includes wearing the iconic hat, with a bullwhip in hand, shirt open, a leather jacket and an unshaven face, the mantle of Christ includes the characteristics of love, justice and mercy.

However, I have found that we don't take up the mantle. For some, they believe that we, as mere humans, are not able to take on the mantle of Christ nor that we should. The mantle is Christ's alone. For others, they are jaded by those who call themselves disciples of Christ, but do not dare touch the mantle of Christ. In the end, the mantle sits there untouched and the symbol looses it's power.

I think it comes down to us seeing ourselves as Samwise Gamgee who has no obligations to the world nor, seemingly, the power to impact the darkness of the world. The idea of being Christ is far from our reach. We see Christ as this divine Batman. Someone who is grand. Vast. Unattainable. Someone who has already arrived at the pinnacle of love, justice and mercy. Then we look at this symbol and think that we shouldn't bother. Let Jesus be the Christ because I will just fail.

However, you don't want to forget that Samwise chooses to go on the journey and although, yes, he stumbles and sometimes falls, he moves through and at the end of all his trials he has become a force of redemption. He eventually becomes the symbol he thought he never could be.

I find it sad when people, and Christians in particular, pick on themselves and don't see the potential that Christ sees in us. They would rather let Jesus be the Christ because they believe they can't despite it is Jesus himself who leaves his disciples to become disciple-makers.

Perhaps the better example comes from "V for Vendetta". The story takes place in the future where Britain has come under the rule of a harsh theocracy. One vigilante who stands up to the religious establishment and wants to set the people free from their oppression. He fights a seemingly hopeless battle and in the end dies at the hand of those who wish to keep their power. Sound familiar so far? His final sacrifice inspires the common citizenry to take up the iconic mask of the vigilante and stand up in the vigilante's place. One of the last shots is a giant crowd all wearing the mask. They were V.

It's interesting, because you have the symbol of V who represents freedom who is unwavering and idealistic, but the citizens are the ones that go through the change. V did not need to change. It was the citizens he was trying to save and by them changing, they were saved. In the end, they as a people became the symbol of V.

I wonder if that story intended to parallel the Christian story the way it did. Even if it was not intentional, I see the parallel all the same. Jesus died for the sake of ideals he stood by. He was inspiring us to follow him. It is fitting that we participate in the journey of the citizenry and become the symbol of salvation, redemption, justice, mercy and love.

I sometimes honestly wonder if when the New Testament talks about the second coming of Christ where it says that it will happen in within in their present generation as Paul believed it would, that is actually already did happen. What if when we use the term the "body of Christ" to refer to the church that that really is the second coming of Christ. That we really are supposed to bring salvation, redemption, justice, mercy and love to all ends of the earth just like the Christ is supposed to.

That is the power of symbol.

"So tie me to a post and block my ears

I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again"

- "The Cave" from the Mumford & Sons' album "Sigh No More"

If Romantic Comedies are Unrealistic, Can You Be a Romantic Comedian?

2011-12-26T15:42:00.003-06:00

This Christmas, Kyla and I have been watching many movies. It started off by me saying that at some point she should watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy. She had the idea that she would if I would agree to watch six movies of her choosing because the Lord of the Rings movies are the same length of two normal movies. I was initially all right with this arrangement until I remembered the Lord of the Rings are the same length of two normal movies. They are great movies, but they are one of those experiences that you only need to have once every twenty years because it is a trial of sorts to watch.

I then decided to change my side to six other movies of my own choosing. So throughout this three week visit together, we’ve been watching movies (along with smatterings of Community episodes when we don’t want to watch a two hour movie). My selections include: Mission:Impossible 3, Shawshank Redemption, Vantage Point, Away We Go and of course, my traditional Christmas movies, Die Hard 1 and 2.

Kyla, went the exact opposite of me and included: Letters from Juliet, Sydney White, The Last Song, Music and Lyrics, Mulan and Wedding Singer.

The only reason I included the actual titles because if it were me reading this post, I’d want to know, but it really has nothing to do with what I want to talk about. They don’t call me Rabbit Trail Jones for nothing. Or ever.

Watching her movies was exactly what I expected out of them, however I was struck as I watched Letters from Juliet. The movie itself was nothing special or unusual. It was the typical romantic comedy where the guy and girl don’t like each other at the start, but in the end (spoiler alert if you’ve never seen a romantic comedy before) she breaks up with her fiance and winds up with the guy she used to hate.

What struck me was the fiance who was the usual trope of a guy who is so into what he does that he completely neglects the girl and eventually it is what leads her to leave him. It is blindingly obvious to you as the audience to see how the guy is forgetting about the girl and it is easy to blur his actions as being a selfish jerk. Then when the girl goes to break up with him, he is flabbergasted to have this news come out of nowhere and you in the audience are incredulous with his stupidity and are so happy that she is leaving the jackass.

Except for me. I saw the thing I fear I may become and to me it’s not as black and white as it seems like these movies paint the situation.

The fiance was wrapped up in starting his new restaurant and was obsessed with finding the perfect ingredients and elements for his project he dearly loves. At the same time he has affection for the girl. You see it when he realizes her implication that she’s leaving him. He tells his kitchen full of people to stop what they’re doing and to clear out and then he tries to negotiate for the girl. However, it was too little, too late. He had neglected her.

In his podcast called “You Made It Weird”, Pete Holmes, one of my favourite comedians, recounted how his marriage of six years fell apart when he was twenty-eight. She left him not because he had cheated on her or treated her badly, but she described it as not being his first love. It wasn’t that he was always away. It was the other way around. He spent much time with her throughout the day, but the hard part was his mind was elsewhere. He was driven or as he says, he felt called. He was always thinking about comedy and his bits and his conversation was slanted by the perspective of a comedian.

I know for myself that I tend to get the same way with my projects. I tend to leave the world behind, including my own needs, let alone another person’s. I get wrapped up and want to delve right into making my projects as great as I can. It’s the thing that simultaneously created some great presentations on the Summer Ministry Team and caused me to sometimes alienate myself from the rest of the team and become reluctant to share the work.

A common conversation on the podcast is what kind of person is a suitable partner for a comedian. Do you want someone who is a fan? Someone who is indifferent or may not even like your stuff but supportive? Should they be witty themselves or should they not be? The conversation often leaves at an impasse.

Watching that movie with Kyla curled up next to me left me thinking about what Pete went through and I know myself to be the same. It seems like you have to choose one or the other or do both halfhearted and be good at neither. I’m not saying it’s impossible to walk the line of forming a strong relationship and being called, but it requires much wisdom, awareness and grace from both.

Unfortunately, it seems like culture, both inside and outside the church makes it seem like you’re the ridiculous one to pursue your calling because that’s not as important as your relationship. Instead, it seems like that if you just invest fully into your relationship then you don’t have to worry about your career or calling, it takes care of itself. People are magically supposed to be just awesome at what they do.

I just went through that flip-side with Kyla here. I knew that this was one of the few times that I would have with Kyla here and I spent much of the time with her while I had a show coming up and often I would spread myself out and decided to sacrifice sleep so that I could have my cake and eat it too. The show turned out fine, but it concerns me of future endeavors. Can I really keep up that pace?

Of course, I know no one (or people based in reality) really thinks that you can do anything automatically great and that it requires time, but I do think we have expectations that can be hard and perhaps impossible to live up to.

My thoughts bring me to how can I balance both? What does it look like? Like the fiance in the movie, I adore this girl in my life but will my all-consuming obsession with my projects lead me to neglect her, just like the fiance? Or will my relationship lead me to let myself neglect the refinement of my abilities and thus make anything I create a pointless venture?

Perhaps by me writing this, it’s a sign that I am aware of the challenge ahead and I will be better prepared to handle it. The other great thing is that Kyla has shown that she wants me to strive for my dreams and has shown her support for me. I hope that I can find my solution for Pete Holmes’ quandary, because I don’t want to become another example of the clueless, jackass boyfriend trope in some romantic comedy because I’ve come to discover that romantic comedy are a bit too predictable for my taste.

"Cause everywhere I seem to be
I am only passing through
I dream these days about the sea
Always wake up feeling blue
Wishing I could dream of you
So if I stumble
And if I fall
And if I slip now
And lose it all
And if I can't be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me?"
- "Wait" from Alexi Murdoch's album "Time Without Consequence"

The Three Monthiversary Gift

2011-12-12T03:00:00.001-06:00

Kyla is going to be in Nelson in less than thirty two hours and I thought it is time for me to write in here again. Especially since I have not written many reflections on my relationship with her. This blog is supposed to be me reflecting on my life and a major part of the last few months has been concerned with her. I suppose I don't want to write too much about our relationship because I suppose that people would not like that. That's it's too easy or basic or maybe private for the sphere of a semi-public blog. However, this blog has a part intention to give people insight into my life so that maybe they will learn about me or perhaps even reflect on their own life. The reality is, if I'm going to be honest about my life, this has to come up.

I also want to be sensitive to her as well, because the subject of the post is literally her. I have never really written about a person or a relationship and I am reluctant to write because I don't want to come off as a silly teenager. Nonetheless, I hope that it is a good experience for everyone.

Last month, we had our three monthiversary which I understand is not a major thing to bulk of humanity. I realize that some people get somewhat over giddy about such landmarks and it makes me roll my eyes as well. Probably because three monthiversaries have occurred a billion times over the course of history, but it's apart of the territory.

In fact, this brings me to another of my renowned Arbitrary Rules of Thumb, which is in regards to the celebration of dating relationship landmarks:

1 month - You casually mention it in the conversation with your partner. No gift!

3 month - You go on a creative date but nothing super fancy and/or a small token of remembrance.

6 month - You go to a nicer dinner, consider having flowers or a poem or a song you've written or a piece of macaroni art. If you have not done so, you should reveal your nerdiest obsession you have. Don't hide that any longer.

1 year - You go on a special dinner, perhaps add dancing or stop an armed robbery, definitely have flowers, wear a tie (even if you're a girl) and throw in a surprise (like magic).

Then you celebrate every year after that until finally one of you breaks down and asks the other one to marry. I don't know why I made myself come up with all the things you need to do. All I had was timing. What I know for sure is that people who celebrate a ten monthiversary bother me because it's too arbitrary. It does not break down into the clean fractions of fourths and halves of years.

Anyway, I knew I wanted to note the three months with a small token and so I decided that I would handwrite a letter and send a couple of trinkets. I was down at the wedding in Mexico and figured that would be a good place to pick up something. I have never bought anybody anything on a vacation before, so I thought that'd be special in and of itself.

Now, Kyla likes to collect keychains, so that was an easy buy. However, that alone seemed lame. I may be a cheap jerk, but I'm a little better than that. It was while I was down in Mexico that I was reflecting on who Kyla was to me and I tried to find something that expressed something deeper.

While I was down at the wedding, each member of the wedding party was given the same outfit, but with varying colours. The guys each wore the same white pants, white shirt, vest and fedora and then the tie and a bracelet of a certain colour that would match the bridesmaids' dresses. The colour assigned to me happened to be green. I don't care particularly for green, but I knew that it was Kyla's favourite.

As a part of an ongoing game at the wedding, we were to wear our bracelet the entire week for fear of losing points that I am not entirely sure at this point meant. But I wore it all week and never took it off.

Whenever I had a shower or go to bed and would have normally removed something like a bracelet, I just kept it on. Wearing jewellery is a foreign concept for me and I was noticing the bracelet all the time. Of course, after I'd notice it, I was also reminded how green is Kyla's colour. Then I would be thinking of her.

The week progressed and I found that I was enjoying myself and I was relieved. I thought that it was going to be a bad experience and that I would regret going. But I didn't. I had a good time and am thankful that I went. I was thinking about it as I played with the bracelet on my wrist and thought back to the summer when Kyla and I were spending time together. I remember being reluctant to go into a relationship, because I was thinking it was going to be terrible to deal with the distance and other concerns I had and I thought it would be a trial that was not worth it because I would screw it up or I would invest and be heartbroken. And here I find myself three months later, thinking about her when I was down in Mexico, taking time out to still Skype her, even if it meant doing it awkwardly in the middle of the courtyard of the inn.

Then the wedding came around and I stood within feet of my friend, Erik exchange vows with Jen. As the rings came forward I was reminded of the jewellery on my own wrist and the green that took me back to thoughts of Kyla. I then knew what the other part of my gift would be.

It was fitting that Erik and Jen symbolized their devotion to their marriage with metal rings, something that doesn't just break easily. It's always said how the ring serves as a reminder of that unending bond. I thought it was fitting to send my bracelet made of green string and shells. I may not be ready to promise her marriage yet, at the same time I want to remind her that I am devoted to her until I am ready to give her something more permanent.

I continued to wear the bracelet after I got back to Nelson and only took it off to put it in the envelope with the keychain and a letter.

I don't know why I am telling random readers about something like this. I don't know what's to gain. Maybe there's nothing and I'm creating as a reminder to my future self. I suppose for me, I believe in the power of symbol and the importance of creating things that help you to remember. Maybe this post can be an encouragement to you to find those things that remind you of the ones in your life because it can be too easy to forget.

The sad tragedy of those who can afford the fanciest rings and flashiest weddings is that the glitz sometimes blinds you of what these things are supposed to do. They are not about making the couple feel like royalty for a day, it's about community and the ongoing model of declared devoted love. The ring is to remind you of the vows to unending love.

I don't know if this relationship will come to marriage. We're still young. We're still learning about each other. I am looking for wisdom and discernment but I know I will remember to not take something beautiful for granted.

Ky, I love you.

"But the strangest today

So far away and yet you feel so close

And I'm not gonna question any other way

There must be an open door

For you... to come back

And the days they linger on

And every night when I'm waiting for

The real possibility that I may meet you in my dreams

Sometimes you're there and you're talking back to me

Come the morning I can swear that you're next to me

And it's okay."

- "Come Back" from Pearl Jam's self-titled album

Beer and Self-Loathing in Guayabitos

2011-11-17T05:10:00.001-06:00

I write this as I fly home from a wedding celebration for my longtime friend, Erik and his now wife, Jen. I’m trying to reflect on this week being that it is something I have never really done before.

I suppose I’ll start with my reluctance to go on this trip. I’ll be honest, there were a few things that bothered me going into this. I was originally thinking this was at one of those resorts you see in the movies where it’s over-indulgent and supporting some big company at the detriment to the local community. I was not looking forward to spending my week with many people I didn’t know. I was even concerned with spending it with the people I did because I haven’t spent much significant time with any of them in a very long time. They were friends from high school and although we meet up every once in a while in the last few years, how will a week go with them. This trip was not cheap and I am in no shape to even attempt a trip like this on my own and now I’m going on this thing because a friend is supplying the money. Borrowing money never sits well with me due to my memories of family doing so and how it’s strained relationships.

Let me give you the spoiler right now that the trip was fantastically better than I thought it would be. The money thing still bugs me, but many of the other aspects of it surprised me.

It was not the opulent resort that would ratchet up the guilt for me, but rather a smaller, independent operation and as opposed to some faceless company, our group has really bonded with the family that runs the restaurant attached to the hotel. It was business how I’ve heard of in other places of the world, where a more personal approach is used for business relationships. There was one example of operator of one of the boating companies came and was upset that we did not go to him when we had our excursion because of a previous transaction with some of the folk in the group.

I’ve never, as a Rogers employee, gone and guilt-tripped a customer for going to Blockbuster but that was what kind of happened. It was strange and interesting, but I digress.

It was good to see the world work a little different and definitely eased my mind about that aspect.

I was also relieved to have the time spent with the people there to be really good. It felt like I was building relationships and not just rehashing what was in the past. I also met new people and felt comfortable most of the time. I mean, there was still the difficulties of traveling with a group in that it always feels like you have to be spending time with others and I had relatively little personal time.

That all said, what stood out to me as a point of reflection were certain moments in the week. I’ve found that as I’ve gained more experiences I have started to see more and more parallels between my life and others’ or my life and even my previous experience. It’s simply that history tends to repeat itself. There are times when I go through experiences and I recall previous moments from my life or other’s stories and it strikes me. I begin to make connections and realize the bigger picture. In this case, I was thinking about my dad.

I remember him telling me a story of when he stopped drinking alcohol. I believe it was shortly before he started going to church in his forties’ and before he ever met my mom. The details are a little fuzzy, but he used to drink often. I don’t know if it was every night or every weekend and I don’t know if was always a great amount or a little. However, one night he drank so much that he blacked out in the bathroom and fell and hurt his ribs leaving them severely bruised. I don’t know if they were broken or what the extent of the damage, but he didn’t remember at all how it happened. It spooked him and it made him quit.

Flash forward forty years and I find myself suffering from a cold the last month and the coughing had gotten real bad before I left for Mexico. It was to the point that it felt like ribs on right side were pain and any cough, sneeze, and laugh would strike more pain. Laying down was uncomfortable and sleep was difficult. However before I left, I was taking some anti-biotics and I was feeling much better and the pain was subsiding and I didn’t notice it that much. That was until the stag party.

We were heading into Puerto Vallarta on a bus hitting every bump on the road and it was on one of the bumps that I coughed and it hit me hard. My ribs hurt and would hurt for the rest of the night. We headed out to a restaurant where I didn’t order very much because the prices were so high which would be my undoing. Later in the night, we went to some club where you buy a wristband and the drinks were free for the rest of the night.

It was the first time I’ve ever felt like I was some rich dude. They had two staff on stand by the entire night for our table. Anytime a glass was being emptied, another was there to replace it. If one of the guys knocked some ashes from their cigarettes into one of the trays, the staff would immediately grab it, clean it and replace the tray. We were treated like celebrities. As time went on with no concern with how much the drinks came, it eventually caught up with my one-hundred-fifty-five pound frame. I found myself sleepy and not feeling well and realizing I was going to be sick. I get to the bathroom and throw up and feel the pain in my ribs aching even through the deadening of my senses, I immediately flashed back to dad’s story. I saw the parallel in our stories that seems to echo many times through out my life but unfortunately I do not have the opportunity to really explore that with dad directly, but rather through half-remembered stories.

I think what was surprising about my trip to Mexico was the great reversal that happened. The concerns I had turned out to be nothing and the thing that I thought I had a handle on got out of control. It was not the scenario or the people that were the issue, but rather me.

I had underestimated how close to the surface the dark version of myself hides. I didn’t do anything that night that hurt anyone and no one was offended, but people definitely saw that in that moment that alcohol was my master. The issue here is not that someone gave me grief, because I was basically doing what some would expect at a stag, but that was the problem. I also didn't stand out as someone who reflected the higher ideals that I intellectually believe.

I should underline that it's not like I did something that was inherently evil, but rather it did not show the life of discipleship that is one that is challenging and reflects what I believe to be true through action.

It was too bad, because the week also had such fantastic moments where the heroic version of myself shone through. The one that attempts to emulate Christ. I had great, late night conversations about the nature of my faith that reminded me of Jesus and Nicodemus. I had a conversation that encouraged another in a sad time in their family history. I did well as the emcee at the wedding and doing a speech that was entertaining yet poignant. My hope is that those who were there do not remember the failures of me but rather the goodness of God.

As I come to a close on my overall review of the trip, I still had a great time and I was happy I went. I had a moment on the last day where I climbed up to where a cross overlooked the town and the staircase there were thirteen stations from the story of the crucifixion. I was up there and read a psalm and read from The Call by Os Guinness. I feel refreshed and hope that I will push hard to fulfill my calling despite my shortcomings and trust that it is never over due of the grace of God.

"Warm sun feed me up

And I'm leery loaded up

Loathing for a change

And I slip some, boil it away

Swallowed, followed

Heavy about everything but my love

Swallowed, sorrowed

I'm with everyone and yet not"

- "Swallowed" from the Bush album "Razorblade Suitcase"

My Poor Brain

2011-11-03T04:35:00.001-05:00

I've been reading Os Guinness' book named "The Call" which delves into what God's call on our lives may be. This is not the general call to being good, moral people in right relationship with Him, but rather the specific call of our talents and skills. It draws examples from all over human history to reflect on all the various aspects of God's call. It has got me thinking about what where I am heading in life.

This has been a very appropriate book as the idea of where I am going is something I've been thinking about recently. Last year, I did not consider much of the future as I saw what I was doing in Nelson as something that I was doing. I was very present with my task. My wandering was my place in life and I liked it and was comfortable with it. It was simple. After my time in Nelson was done, whenever that would be, then I would move to a new place and do something different.

I was getting used to the single life and was especially looking forward to really embracing it and finding adventure. I still kept the dating aspect an option, but even there I was realizing that perhaps it would be best to live life with embracing the One Thing. I was considering the next place I go to would be a larger city centre and actually try to move towards pursuing a comedy career. Even if it was a side thing and I would support it through another job, I would try to hone my skill and try to get into the field.

Then Kyla came along.

Now, I am thinking more of the future and what should my plan be. That was not a big deal with me last year and it even seemed like other people were more interested in what my plan would be than I was.

I have been thinking of how big of a challenge it would be to bring Kyla into this life. I've been thinking about being responsible and what does that look like? I should point out that she is not wanting me to abandon comedy but rather it is me.

In the last little while, I've been listening to Pete Holmes' podcast called "You Made It Weird". He is a stand-up comedian who I've found to be very funny and have been following the last while. In his podcast he brings on other comedians and they talk about stand-up comedy and how they approach it. It's been fascinating to take a peak behind the curtain and hear these guys talk about it. I've also been surprised by Pete's questions. Each of his conversations has involved a discussion of God.

Aside from that, you also find out that he was married at the age of 22 and was divorced by 28. He references the religious Christian upbringing that got him to marry so young. He looks back on the time as being a child. What was interesting was the divorce itself. As he describes it, it was not because they were not spending time together. She would be home by four, they'd be together until he went to the comedy club at 9, do his set and be done an hour later. They spent much time together.

When it turns out that she cheated on him, she told him it was like he was already in love with comedy. It consumed his life. It's what drove him. It was his calling and it became a barrier in the marriage. Obviously it is much more complicated than that. However, it did make me wonder about what do I want to have as my priorities.

I know I've been very distracted as of late and it feels like I'm in a bit of a fog. I've been sick recently, so perhaps that has an impact on it. However, I feel stuck as I'm trying to write scripts. I'm thinking about money. I've been thinking about obligations. I've been thinking about things that were not concerns a year ago, but they are now because I have another person in my consideration.

Do I have the ability to pursue comedy well? Is it my call? Do I have the discipline? Will I be able to balance it with a relationship and not neglect either? These are the questions that weigh heavy on my poor brain.

"Real life is so hard
We hide in the stars
That's where our heads are
My head and your heart
This is a black out
Don't let it go to waste
This is a black out
I want to detonate
When you are so far
I'm falling apart
Lose all my sonar
You jam my radar"
- "My Poor Brain" from the Foo Fighter album "The Color and the Shape"

Why I Don't Like Country Music

2011-10-12T12:01:00.000-05:00

This post is meant to be good natured. I put this warning up so that country fans don't get mad. (Normally, I don't worry about stuff like that, but country fans have guns. Big ones.)

Kyla likes country music and dating her has forced me to confront the thing in my life that I've avoided the most. I should point out that she also likes Disney music and Glee, but that seems like it comes with the territory of dating a girl. I have my own beef with Disney and musical theatre (as seen here), but I realized that if I dated a girl there is a good eighty percent chance (as stated by Phoney Baloney Stats Monthly) that she would like Disney and Glee and so I was prepared for that. I suppose it arguable that I should have realized that country music comes with dating a girl from small town Alberta, but to be fair, I didn't expect to fall for one.

Since music is a matter of choice, I've never subjected myself to country music and I don't feel bad for not listening to it. Unlike how I feel bad for not reading books. It seems like if you're literate, you're obligated to read. Like it's your duty. I definitely have never have had that sense with country music. No one says, "oh, you listen to a lot of country music. Wow, you must be so cultured." And I now know why.

Before this week, I knew the cliches of country. That it's all about "my truck is broke and my dog ran away" and "she gone done stepped on my heart". Which is not true (mostly). I knew the cliche of the country twang in the singing (which is definitely true and I would submit might be what defines the genre). Both of these points did not appeal to me and thus my aversion.

However, I discovered something else that bothers me about the music after listening to it, which makes me sigh even more. It seems like there is a good amount of the songs that are sung not to the audience, but rather seemingly to one individual and that the rest of us are getting in the way. It's like the songs are not about something but to someone. Let me say that many songs are like that, but country takes it a stepped further and it seems like the lyrics are just a record of someone's conversation and then the writer was like, "Oh, say that again and I will write it down verbatim and then put music to it and add an obnoxious country twang to it."

Now, I realize that there is simply a cultural difference and that the music is sincere and from the heart and because it speaks directly to a person, it makes it more engaging, but come on!

I suppose that I should not be one to speak due to the fact that I can't write any songs and that all my comedy is based on tearing other things apart due to my own insecurity and I fear my own creativity will be rejected and thus I do not create myself and when I do it has a propensity to borrow heavily from others and lacks a certain originality and I don't even have a dog and I wish that I had done gone had a gun and that I'd wander the countryside on my horse and that I had a guitar and could sing around the campfire, eating a can of beans and sleep under the stars.

Man, I think I could write a country song. Maybe I just did.

And that's why country music is a joke.

I'M SORRY, SWEETHEART! (But not really... Girls can't read stuff in brackets, can they?)

PS. By the way, I think that country music is still better than the bulk of modern pop music, in particular the stuff that comes out now due to pop's lack of metaphor and unrelenting focus on sex and aversion to anything deeper.

"There might be a little dust on the bottle

But don't let it fool ya about what's inside

There might be a little dust on the bottle

It's one of those things that gets sweeter with time"

- "Dust on the Bottle" from David Lee Murphy's album "Out With a Bang"

The Power of Love

2011-10-03T18:03:00.000-05:00

Rack it up to the fact that I have been dating a girl that I have been thinking about the idea of love recently. It is one of the most common topics in music next to "I'm going to sex you good." We have the belief that once you find true love then you are set and nothing will stand in your way. That nothing in life is better than love.

There is a bunch of tension of when do you say it to your significant other without saying the magic phrase, "I love you". Say it too early and you'll scare the person and if you don't say it at all then the relationship has not reached a certain level.

However, billions of people have used the words "I love you" and yet you still have numerous divorces and broken relationships. Isn't the power of love suppose to save your life? The usual excuses are that the fire isn't there anymore or that there is someone else that I am attached to more. It was once said to me in a moment of passion, but when the rubber met the road, it turned out that her love led her away. Did she not mean it?

The power of love is supposed to keep you home at night, no?

I suppose it's possible that love is a limited supply and then after that the relationship better become more exciting otherwise the fire will go out and that just means that clearly the reserves of love are all gone. Break it all off. Burn the bridges. Pack it up and go home. Turn on the Smashing Pumpkins and paint on the black make-up.

It's enough to make a romantic second guess putting his heart on the line.

I have been reflecting on what does it mean to say "I love you" because I know it's significant but do we know why? Where is the power in this emotion if it doesn't seem to keep anything together.

Enough of the elusive Rob Bell rhetorical questions and start telling you what I've been thinking. I feel free to do that because why else are you reading this blog?

I think that the emotion is not capable of overcoming all obstacles. I don't believe that this emotion can keep a relationship together. I think this emotion is weak and has been fooling people for thousands of years and is perhaps the biggest farce in the human existence. This emotion will not conquer all and is doomed to fail in all cases.

I realize that many of you may be thinking that I'm a pessimist and probably don't deserve to have such a lovely girl like me. But hold on.

I believe that love is not an emotion. It never has been.

Many of our problems stem from the fact that many people believe that love is a feeling. We think it's that feeling when you see that special someone. It's that feeling when you kiss them. It's the feeling when you receive a hug from a family member. It's the feeling when you do good for the homeless man. We believe that love is an emotion like happiness, anger or sadness.

The problem is how we associate love. When we are with our special someone that we adore, we have a good feeling and thus love must be that good feeling and thus we do loving things for them. I propose that you adore the special someone and that good feeling is affection and the doing loving things is actually loving.

Love is a choice and it's an action. It's not that mushy feeling you get. That mushy feeling is happiness or affection. If you can learn the difference between love the action and love the feeling (which is not love at all) then you might find that why difficulties in relationships creep in because this drastically affects your perspective and approach.

Suddenly ideas like unconditional love make sense. Unconditional love is not that you feel mushy inside for the homeless man or for the starving orphans in Africa, but rather the fact that you love (do something for) them despite the fact you do not have mushy feelings for them. If you think that having a mushy feeling is what God means by loving the least of your brothers, you are missing it. It brings me once again to James 2 where it talks about how it is not sufficient to say "be well-fed and clothed" and then walk away. It seems that it would be better for you to help a brother in need and feel nothing than to feel all the sympathy in the world for them and do nothing.

Suddenly, it should be a call to those in abusive relationships that love does not involve beating them. Love does not involve oppressive acts. Love is not empty words said in a really sincere way. Love is all about the acts that comfort, support, and encourage.

On the flip side, love is not about about what you want. It's not heading for the door when you get bored with the person who is not that exciting mystery anymore. It's not leaving to go be with that new found person who makes you feel mushy inside. Divorce shouldn't just be the answer just because the mushy feelings are no more.

Suddenly passages like that of 1 Corinthians 13 takes on a whole different meaning.

"Love never gives up

Love cares more for others than for self

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when other grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end." (The Message)

If these things are based out of the idea that love is a choice, it means that we are actively contemplating our interactions instead of trying to fill our hearts with mushy feelings so that way we attain those attributes.

Love is active, not a descriptor of how you feel.

So what is the point of feeling sympathy or feeling attracted to individuals? I think these things can push us to act more loving because it is easier to love someone when you are sympathetic to them. This is why it is good to learn the stories of others. This is why it is good to understand others and spend time with them. It makes our defensive human spirits and softens them so we are more willing to show love to them.

If love is a mushy feeling, then what does "I love you" mean? It means you have a mushy feeling towards me. Great. Thank you. I hope you feel better.

If love is a choice and action, then you shouldn't even need to say the words because they one you love would already know. In essence, the three word sentence "I love you" does not make sense. I suppose the one way it does is if it is a promise saying, "I will care for you". It just doesn't sound as poetic. So, "I love you" will do. It also adds a new dimension of saying that you choose them. That they are dear to you and that if times when you are angry with them, you will still love them. That if you are disappointed in them, you will still love them. It is more than mushy feelings. It is a vow.

The idea of true love is a farce the way it is traditionally understood. You will not have those mushy feelings forever and if you expect to for the rest of your life, you will be disappointed and disillusioned. Those mushy feelings are good for the reason that it allows you to attach yourself to the person. That it helps you give grace to the one you are attracted to because you are willing to overlook their mistakes and you may work through problems together. It allows you the time it takes to learn how to live with another.

Now, marriage takes on a different significance. It's not just a gamble on how long will the mushy feelings last, but rather the official announcement that you are going to live your lives together and choose to love the person everyday regardless of the mushiness of your heart. It is honourable. It is forged. It is strong. THAT is the power of love.

"Saying 'I love you'

Is not the words I want to hear from you

It's not that I want you

Not to say, but if you only knew how easy

It would be to show me how you feel

More than words

Is all you have to do to make it real

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

'Cause I'd already know."

"More Than Words" from Extreme's album "Extreme II: Pornograffiti"

Language of the Soul

2011-09-29T05:41:00.000-05:00

Music has been on my mind quite a bit recently. Both in the grander culture and even on a personal level. First and foremost, it was recently the twentieth anniversary of two significant albums, those being Nirvana's era-defining "Nevermind" and my favourite Pearl Jam album "Ten" (I recognize that good friends, Jason and Rob, would look down their nose at me for choosing the popular record as my favourite as opposed to "Vs." or "Vitalogy", but it's the truth). I've taken my iTunes library off random and have been listening to the two albums on repeat.

I was also intrigued by a special interview by Jon Stewart with the surviving members of Nirvana, Kris Novaselic and Dave Grohl, alongside the famous producer Butch Vig. The discussion of what is was like behind the scenes of the band as well as what goes into creating an album to be compelling.

This comes in the wake of the recent breakup of R.E.M., a band, while not my favourite, still had a significant impact on my library.

I also wound up missing the Pearl Jam concert that took place in Vancouver this past weekend due to a scheduling conflict with, in my opinion, a significant youth retreat. I don't regret not going, but at the same time I wonder how much longer the band will tour, especially since you could read the lyrics in their last album seeming to indicate that they are perhaps preparing to wind down.

In addition, at the retreat itself, there was a session at which there was a discussion on the content of music and it's message and the influence it may have on an individual which added to this contemplation of one of my favourite art forms to partake of.

It was not always been the case. As I have briefly mentioned in a blog post before, I have always had a difficult time with Christian music. It was what I had grown up with and was all I was exposed to in terms of music (with the exception of the songs from Disney cartoons which did not help my relationship with music). All the songs were about the same things and were always happy and were always God is awesome. Although I may have, in my limited understanding, agreed with the sentiments, at the same time it felt hollow.

In my youth, my relationship with Christian music was really like my relationship with Christianity in general. As I grew up and I was attempting to understand what it means to have faith, I was also attempting to really get into worship music and mean it. After a while, it was like I was straining to become an ardent Christian and trying to get that closer relationship to God which I thought would reveal itself as some miraculous communication with Him or some life-shaking encounter. However, it would never come. If I had just paid attention to the fact I thought Christian music was almost all terrible, I think I may have tuned into my gut that said the way I understood this faith was proving to be hollow.

Christian music simply was not connecting to any sense of a deep relationship with God. They were all essentially sappy love songs and nothing else.

The first album that actually made me say, "hey, I identify with this" was Green Day's "Dookie" that was thrown at my head. I know in reflection of it now, it is a juvenile record, but at the time I was juvenile. They talked about the world in a different light. By this time in my life, I rarely had any significant conversations with another person with a different world view and it was eye opening to hear Billie Joe sing about growing up, expressing anger, heartbreak. No Christian album talked about that. None of the worship songs ever talked about that.

Over time, I would buy more and more albums. I remember buying Collective Soul, Limp Bizkit, Our Lady Peace and Live. By the way, I recognize that I did not have the greatest taste in music when I was younger, but that's aside from the point. There was something about each of those albums that I would connect with or that I would learn from. I began to understand how others could see the world. Sometimes I would agree with it, other times not, but it engaged me.

I think at the core of it is that secular music admitted something that Christian music would not and that is: humans are human. It was something that it seemed like Christianity in general missed often. Christianity would admit that humans are trash or that we would find joy in the Lord but I found for me that both the religion and it's music struggled with the other strong emotions of sadness and anger. When I was sad or angry, the answer was you shouldn't be unless it was about how sinful you are.

Rock music said, "You should be". It strived to make you feel something. A part of the essence of living was to deal with your emotions, not hide it up with some happy song.

Now, it may seem like this story is leading me away from my faith, but it is not that obvious. I went to Bible school, I went to Bible studies and continued to learn and at the same time I continued to add to my music collection such bands as those mentioned at the top of this post along with Dave Matthews, Matthew Good, Smashing Pumpkins, Alice in Chains and Foo Fighters and I found something interesting.

It seemed to be all pointing the same direction.

I discovered that the Psalms were not all happy go lucky sing songs. Jonah was a man who struggled with the idea his enemies were invited to change. Ecclesiastes paints how meaningless life when pleasing oneself is the focus of your life and it's what led me to say that Ecclesiastes is the Nevermind of the Bible. Many of the Old Testament prophets would fit in with the likes of Bob Dylan and Neil Young.

At the same time, a common thread in many of my favourite bands show a yearning for peace and restoration. The Foo Fighters frequently toy with the idea of ascension and sanctification. Eddie Vedder's lyrics over the course of the band's career seem to move from frustration to taking up a cause to looking for what's important in life.

In some regards, I have followed suit as I struggled to reconcile hope of the Christian has in redemption and the reality of the world and human nature.

Secular music may have challenged me and drew me to understand the world only to lead me back to the idea that humanity finds itself in need of something greater than itself and I believe that is found in the Christ.

I used and continue to use music to engage my mind and explore my humanity. That is why I As Ludwig van Beethoven said, "Music is the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life." I don't mean to say that secular music has some special key to our understanding to God and that all secular music is somehow all good. I am merely saying that our higher purpose often comes bleeding through because I believe it bleeds through all of us.

"He's the one
Who like all the pretty songs
And he likes to sing along
And he likes to shoot his gun
But he knows not what it means
Knows not what it means"
- "In Bloom" from the Nirvana album "Nevermind"

In Loving Memory

2011-09-19T04:07:00.000-05:00

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple." - Luke 14:26

This was one of the passages Arden used in his sermon today and it stood out for me more than usual. I suppose it always stood out for me, but I had a tendency to downplay it because I believed I had a good handle on the meaning of it. It had always been taught that you love Jesus more than their family, then you are not giving yourself fully to God. That in comparison, your love of Jesus should be so much so that your love for your family would look like hatred. Kind of like a strong form of hyperbole.

Today, it stood out different for me. Perhaps it is my skittishness surrounding fundamentalism and the violence it has spawned and continues to spawn to this day in some cases that makes me uncomfortable with the statement. It's a statement like this that some would take as: "If I'm to hate my family, then I am justified in actually harming others who are not my family."

Although, I don't believe that's why it bothers me. Reality is, people have taken and will continue to take scripture and completely miss the point and go the wrong with it. We shouldn't just throw out words that Jesus says just because crazy, hateful people don't care about understanding and will abuse it.

No, I think the statement bothers me on a wider scope that you see in the breadth of Christianity and that is the idea of "loving Jesus". It was one of those ideas that has kind of sat there kind of awkwardly in the middle of the room of my theological construct that I didn't really know what to do with. It's a constant reminder to love Jesus because after all He loves you. It was confusing for two reasons.

One reason it was confusing was: In what way do I love Jesus? How is it different than loving a parent? How is it different than loving a woman? If I'm supposed to love Jesus more than anyone, then it needs a deeper dimension than the one that you share with the person closest to you? And how do you love someone who is not physically there?

The second reason it was confusing was how emotionally wrapped up people get when it comes to loving Jesus. Like they are "in love" with Jesus. It was weird to see girls fall in love with Jesus like he was the Beatles (or Justin Bieber for those who wish for a modern example) and would go wild for Him. I draw that comparison very specifically because there is almost a hysteria that surrounds all these individuals. In some regards, these girls wished that they would be able to marry these guys because they fit their ideal. I never really could relate to being so emotionally wrapped in Jesus, because I'm just not into dudes.

Obviously, that last paragraph is a touch facetious because that can't be the relationship we have with God unless you belong to a sex cult of some sort. That said, isn't it strange that many of our modern worship songs sound so much like romantic songs?

Arden's sermon was structured around the premise that our passions need to be geared toward God. It is the things that we are passionate about that fuel us to go forward and live. The question is: who are we striving for?

The easy comparison is looking to other things that motivate us. Maybe it is to impress a girl or our parents or maybe it's wealth or any number of things. The most admirable one in almost any culture is for the love of another and I think this is why it is easy for us to want to say that loving Jesus is what should motivate us.

Unfortunately, it leaves us to think that loving Jesus is similar to loving other people in our lives. Saying nice things about Him, declaring our unending devotion to Him, giving Him things. I'll be honest, I don't think that's what Jesus ever wanted.

Jesus seemed to be much more interested in obedience and us becoming more like Him than all these silly love gestures that may be nice, but ultimately mean nothing especially when the person isn't physically here with us. It seems like the word love seems to really confuse us and what we're supposed to be like and do.

When someone dies, I believe that we show love to them is to remember them. Here's the thing, we don't know what it really looks like to remember. Often it is painful and we just wish they were with us. I think we serve their memory better and truly show love to the person who has passed is learning from them. Learn from their triumphs and their character. Learn from their defeats and failures. We carry on the memory of them and honour them by letting them impact us. It is quite beautiful to me to think that the people who have left us actually have marked our lives by their lives. It shows your true relationship with them.

We have the advantage of having the life of Jesus passed down to us and we have the ability to learn from His character and triumphs and ultimately the path that guides us to true life. We carry on His memory and have His life mark ours. That seems to be more loving to Him than nice words.

Maybe that scripture from the start of this post is really getting at the fact there is something more important to life than our families and even our own life. It's not about loving Jesus in some strange romantic way, but rather becoming like Him. Really, if you are going to become like Him, we will face suffering because if you are going to love wastefully and fight injustice, then suffering will be in your horizon. It also means that we wish for those around us to become like Him, too.

Often, when our family hurts, we want to circumvent their problems because we love them and don't want them hurt. Our kid is picked on at school, so we talk to their principal or we pull them out of school. Our sibling hurts and the answer is for us to go beat up someone. We want to bubble wrap those we love so they don't have to face the reality of life and ironically we make them less able to handle it. We actually prevent them from maturing. Truly, if we love them, we have to challenge them to become Christ-like themselves. They have to face the trials that will make them stronger people and be there for them and not live their life for them.

This makes it look like we hate them. But really we're calling them to their true life, too. That passage says nothing about loving Jesus. It talks about being His disciple.

So what fuels our passion? Is it the love of Jesus and that feel good warm fuzzy of having a divine boyfriend? Or is the life of discipleship that Jesus has desired for all? Perhaps the best way to love him is to actually honour His life and become like Him.

"Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
At my heart you see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be"
- Title Track from the Mumford and Sons' album "Sigh No More"

I'm Not a Sexually Liberated Woman

2011-09-09T15:50:00.000-05:00

I browsed a copy of Geez recently and saw an article about the Slutwalks that took place all over the place earlier this year in the wake of a Toronto police officer flippantly saying that women should not dress like "sluts" so as to avoid being raped.

Thanks to the officer's comment, two separate ideas have met in the middle for one of the worst examples of two groups missing the point entirely and now both look like idiots and neither realize it.

Here are the two ideas that he threw in a wrestling ring:

A) Rape is bad and needs to stop

B) What does feminism look like?

It was like you made global warming try to fight nuclear weapon proliferation as if they were opponents. Or for a even pop culture-like reference, having ninjas fight pirates. That's the real sad part of this whole thing.

Clearly the officer was not right in making a woman take part responsibility for being raped because of the way she dresses. However, the stupidest way to respond to that allegation is dressing up like sluts as a defiant measure. It misses the point.

The person at fault when it comes to rape is only in the court of the rapist. It doesn't matter if the girl is naked or in a burka, the rapist is solely to blame. Really a rapist is looking for an opportunity. The rapist looks for any justification. Whether it's as visceral as "I want sex" or "that girl is asking for it". That is all in the head of the rapist. Even if the girl was not "asking for it", they are numerous other reasons. For instance, some have raped women wearing burkas because they figured the women needed to find sexual liberation. That's a justification of the rapist and the rapists will take any reason to satisfy it's vile desire. The opportunity is what the rapist is really looking for. Not the dress of the victim.

If the officer wanted to safeguard women against rape, it would be advice on avoiding giving opportunity. Stay with others. Avoid isolating yourself. Etcetera, etcetera. Even if the woman has given opportunity to the rapist, it's still not her fault.

Unfortunately, he said what he said.

It then leaves women on the other side to respond. And in common human response, they choose the stupidest but the most splashy way to protest and in this case it was the "Slutwalk". It's the live version of the "change your profile picture to a childhood cartoon to take a stand against pedophilia" or "don't change your profile picture to a childhood cartoon because it's somehow a trap set up by pedophiles" or "post the colour of your bra to raise awareness of breast cancer" or "post a number of weeks and a favourite food to trick people into thinking you're pregnant in order to raise awareness about something that I'm not entirely sure of because your stupid game actually is hurting you raise awareness about the topic you wanted to raise awareness about". Sweet mother, I am so frustrated by people raising awareness. I could punch the internet for several hours it bothers me so much. You know what. I need others to hear this pertinent message. I should change my Facebook status to really impact culture. Hold on... changed my status so now the world will probably sort itself out.

The problem with many "raising awareness" campaigns is that they frequently miss the point. This is no different. Really, was the problem that women should be allowed to wear whatever or was the point to stop rape? To me, a "Please Don't Rape Walk" would be a lot more pertinent to the situation. However, it's not very splashy like "Slutwalk" and I also just noticed that people might be confused as to what rapewalking is. Nonetheless, the "Slutwalk" has probably wounded the feminist and women equality more than helped by alienating people with their parades.

I find the hard thing about some elements in the equality movement is that women are trying to attain absolute freedom and it may be ironically working against what they want. Whereas before, men enforced the image of women being eye candy and are not to be treated as equals, women are now dressing as "sexually liberated" women and now are being eye candy and allow themselves to be treated as less than equals and believe it that they are acting like a free woman. No, all they have done is fallen for the old con of making it their idea and not the man's idea to be slutty. Men are still getting what they want and women believe that they have what they want.

Unfortunately, gender equality has taken on the form of sleeping with whoever you like just like men have as though that was the ideal. Sure, before men could essentially sleep with whoever they wanted consequence free and women were either treated like property or were stuck with consequences of the act of sex but that doesn't make men in the right and that women should become like that. Now women could act like men with women's rights becoming more of a reality and with the ease of contraception and prevalence of abortion options but that still doesn't mean women should become more like men in sleeping around freely. That's the terrible thing about men. Have sex with no consequences. Treating one of the most beautiful things in the world as though it were a dime a dozen from the Wal-mart.

I don't think sexual liberation should be have as much sex as you can, but rather, it should not be used violently or used oppressively. It should be you can choose who to have that intimate bond with and not forced to by others. It's still a precious thing and we should choose how to use it and that's something women never had the luxury of before.

Rape is not the fault of the woman. Never.

However, the ideal of the woman should not be promiscuous. It should not be the ideal of men. That's not gender equality. That's not sexual liberation. That is being reckless with one of the most beautiful things you can share with another.

In conclusion to these two different topics:

1) No rape ever.

2) Rapist is to blame for rape.

3) Women and men need to share sexual liberation

4) Sexual liberation is being the master of your sexual self, not being the slave of your sexual self.

[Author's Note: There's a couple of naughty words in here.]

"Plus when you give it up so easy you ain't even fooling him

If you did it then, they you probably fuck again

Talking out your neck saying' you're a Christian

A Muslim sleeping with the gin

Now that was the sin that did Jezebel in

Who you gonna tell when the repercussions spin

Showing off your ass 'cause you're thinking it's a trend

Girlfriend, let me break it down for you again

You know I only say it 'cause I'm truly genuine

Don't be a hard rock when you're really a gem

Babygirl, respect is just a minimum"

- "Doo Wop (That Thing)" from Lauryn Hill's album "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill"

Time, My Precious

2011-09-04T20:31:00.001-05:00

I am sitting alone in a coffee shop on my last night here in Winnipeg before I head back to Nelson. I'm okay with that. It would be great to be hanging out with someone, but at the same time. I have appreciated the quiet time to sit and reflect.

I know that as I head back to Nelson, my time is going to disappear. I am looking to take on a lot of ambitious projects. I hope to craft a Christmas show that steps away from the Christmas pageant and towards something that is entertaining for the whole family. You know, something less dependent on cuteness and horrible writing but is still fun and engaging. I want to perhaps do another Early Night Show. I am tasked with a Grade 5 & 6 weekly program. I will be helping with youth and young adults. A lot of stuff and it is quite intimidating.

On top of this, I still want to make relationships the cornerstone of everything I do. Spending time with God, friends, youth, all of which takes time to invest. I want to still find time to spend with Kyla and invest with.

I don't know if I really have enough time.

I come back to the story of when Jesus was in Capernaum and the town loves him so much and he could decide to stay and try to do it all. But he doesn't. He leaves it all to continue onto Jerusalem. He was supposed to do something specific and nothing would stop him. He was not able to say "yes" to everything, even if it was good.

I know I have to choose but I really don't want to. It is all good. I want to be wiped at the end of my day. I want to know that I did everything I could.

My friend, Greg, was telling me about a book he was reading and offered some fantastic insight. God is not found in a physical space like church or even in the midst of creation (which will fly in the face of some who would immediately object, but follow me for a minute). Rather He is found in time. He is found when we reflect, when we take time to listen to Him. When we take time to care of people. I think that's why many find God in nature. Not because He is especially found in nature, but rather you are spending time seeing God.

Time is our most precious resource. We have been given only a certain amount in our lives and it is an ever dwindling supply. If we were offered to trade in our things for more time, I think we would. I don't know of too many people who would trade in time for more things or space. If I met someone who would, I have a sneaking suspicion I wouldn't like them too much.

Living in time means that we only have one chance to live each moment. It means we are only given a certain amount of time with each person. The use of our time truly determines what your priorities are. What you value.

Where you put money does not determine what you value despite what many may believe. You could spend money to buy your family gifts. Maybe all you do is work to earn more money so that way your family lives well but at the end of the day, you are no closer to them.

It is your time that determines what you value. It's easy to spend money on people we'd rather not spend time with. No one truly values money but many love how money is a simple solution to fix many problems that require time, the true valuable. Think about this, you know those people we'd rather avoid? Wouldn't you rather give them a gift than give them time? Drop off the gift and go? Isn't that what we do when we give the panhandler money? To make them go away?

If we give God our time, that's when we are able to prioritize. That's why we are called to Sabbath. Not because God requires it, but really we do. We can't do everything and if we think we can then really we are really saying that we know better than God. That we can't let go of our pride. We don't want to reflect. We don't want to realize that much of what we do is a chasing after the wind. This thinking we know better than God is the precise thing that will separate us from God. Not spending time with God is separation from God.

I think I have found that one of the cores of my sinful nature is pride. It comes from a good place, mind you. I want to see change in the world, but I have a horrible tendency to think that it is all up to me. I won't rest. I won't relax. I have a tendency to use all of my time doing or planning or fidgeting. The difference between me and the workaholic rich guy who never spends time with his kids who secretly despise him is that I don't have kids and I don't have money. I am exactly that guy. My time is often spent on my empire.

I face a dilemma. How do I find the balance between time doing the practical task at hand and time with those I do it for? How do I spend my time, the most precious resource we have been given?

"Confusion never stops

Closing walls and ticking clocks

Gonna come back and take you home

I could not stop that you now know singing

Come out upon my seas

Cursed missed opportunities

Am I a part of the cure?

Or am I part of the disease?"

- "Clocks" from the Coldplay album "A Rush of Blood to the Head"

Her Telling of the Tale...

2011-09-01T23:54:00.002-05:00

[For the first time ever and most likely only time, this is a blog post written by someone who is not me. This was written by Kyla for those interested in hearing her side of things.]
So a request was made for my side of the tale, so here is my version of how it all went down...

I never went to camp looking for a relationship...that was the last thing on my mind...My mind set was one of, in a few weeks, I’m off to Edmonton, heading to school and starting the next chapter of my life...the last thing that I need right now is a guy to get in the way of my future plans.

So camp started, I was in charge of all planning aspects of the summer, and I receive the list of all the staff members and see that a guy that I met a couple years ago was going to be out for most of the summer. My memory of this guy was that we had a good talk one day and that he was a really neat guy, so I was excited for the thought that we could hang out a little more this summer, but in the back on my mind, I was still in the frame of mind that school is starting, and I am not here for a relationship.

He arrived, and didn’t remember me, no big deal, I’m not one who stands out in a crowd...I’m a little on the silent side, and I don’t feel that I am all that rememberable. It didn’t take me long to realize that I still had feelings for him from the summer when we met, but I initially dismissed them as just a crush, no point trying to start anything there, at the end of summer, we’ll go back into our own worlds and the summer wont even matter. Besides, I felt that the idea of him would be better than the reality...he was a funny guy, and that was the only personality of his that I ever saw...funny is good, but in a relationship, don’t you also need the serious aspect of things as well?

I also found it impossible to believe that he would fall for me. I am quiet, he is outgoing. I am a few years younger than him, and although his age didn’t bother me, I didn’t know how he felt about my age in relation to his...so I figured, it was just going to be a crush. I’d get over it...no point making the end of summer harder by falling for a guy who would never return the feelings for me.

Summer progressed, and he started to initiate subtle touches...resting his hand on my shoulder for a second, touching my back, things like that...I didn’t know how to react to these touches, but just dismissed them as “good job” pats and tried not to read into them more than what he intended them to mean, as I have a tendency to read too much into things, which tends to hurt me in the end...so I tried to keep my mind clear that these taps meant anything other than “good job.”

He continued to rest his hand on me periodically, and every time he did, I had a bitter-sweet feeling happening in my head...I liked the touches because I liked him, but at the same time, all I could thing was, “what are you doing? I like you, and this is so not helping...” this was because it always made me think, “Hey...maybe he does actually like me.”...but then I remember...not happening...not in a million and one years...wouldn’t happen...wouldn’t work...right? It can’t work...I’m going to school soon, he lives somewhere else...it can’t work, won’t work...why even try anything...

Eventually, I started having deeper feelings than just a little crush...but in the back of my mind, it still seemed impossible...this guy would never fall for me...I was just setting myself up for a heartbreak by falling for him, just like I had many times in the past...it just wouldn’t work, and I shouldn’t let myself fall.

Then he invited me to join him during his morning devotional a half hour before staff meeting. My first thought was that maybe this is a way for him to hint that he likes me, but I immediately dismissed that; there’s no way that he likes me, he is just trying to be nice. In spite of these thoughts, my crush still outweighed my reservations, and I agreed to meet him in the mornings.

It was because of these morning devotional meetings that I realized this had turned into more than just a crush for me. This guy seemed so grounded...it was his faith that really caused me to notice that there was something more there...he wasn’t just the funny guy who made me and those around him laugh...he also had this serious side of him...it was witnessing this side of him, his faith side and spiritual side, that caused my change in crush status...suddenly, he wasn’t just a crush, but someone that I actually liked and wanted to spend as much time with as possible. I didn’t know how the end of camp would play out, but I didn’t care, I just wanted to hang out with him, and learn more about him and his life.

Finally, he questioned me on my motives for meeting him the mornings. My first thought; “Shoot.” You know what the problem is with revealing that you like a guy? It’s that you are revealing that you like a guy...and when you do that, all the power shifts to him, and he has the power to either say, “I like you too,” or to say that he does not and therefore break your heart. It is never a good spot to be in, but I could no longer deny that I liked him, and so forced myself to reveal the truth to him, that I did have feelings for him. The conversation ended with him telling me he that he liked me too, but that he didn’t want to do long distance.

Then we had a larger break in between a couple of our camps and we were able to spend some time together. We hung out a lot, and then I realized that not continuing something between us after camp was not going to work with me. I had fallen too hard for this guy, and I couldn’t allow us to just dismiss this as a “summer fling;” that wasn’t going to work for me. It wasn’t an option...the only option in my mind was to try the long distance thing, even though we both hated the idea of it.

The days off changed things drastically for me...but camp was over in a week, and he was going to be moving on with his life, and I was heading to Edmonton soon...but I didn’t want to have to say good- bye, especially not right after camp, so I invited him to stay at my place for a few extra days, because I didn’t want to have to say good-bye, not yet...I wanted to push it back. To my surprise, he agreed to come.

Then that last night came, and as he said, we were sitting and talking after all the kids had gone to bed. He was telling me that it wasn’t going to work...and all I can think was how can you say it wont work? Were you not there with me during the break? Did you not feel what I was feeling? How can you say that we cannot try to keep this thing going?

I had been wanting to say that not continuing something wasn’t going to work for me for a while, but I kept hoping that he would see it on his own, then he said this, and I realized that I had to say it now, or I would be saying good-bye to him, and that wasn’t going to be okay with me. So I told him what I was thinking...and apparently, that changed it for him.

He came to my place the next day, and we talked about us. He finally realized how I felt about him, and we came to the decision to date.

Now here we are. I am happy I stood up for us, because I cannot imagine ending this summer any other way.

And in tradition of lyrics after his posts, here is a song for you:

“But it's not the same without you

Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly”
~ “Vanilla Twilight” from the Owl City album Ocean Eyes

So, This is What Happened

2011-08-29T19:53:00.000-05:00

I will admit that I tried to resist. Really, I did.

I have said in the past that I would never do the long distance thing. It is irrational to attempt to conduct a relationship when you are so far apart let alone a really hard experience where I was burned on it before. It is hard to delve into a relationship when I can't see their expression.

I had begun to adjust of living the single life to the full. Doing my thing in Nelson, doing the Summer Ministry Team, looking at other places to move. My temperament and skill set works well as one that moves around.

I've realized that a girl who wants to be with me has to be one who can do without a lot of things that our culture says is important.

I've realized that although I may be admired by some, that it is a different story when it comes to joining with me in a relationship.

I'm aware that my faith is not as orthodox as some would like it to be and I didn't want it to be a shock and somehow upset everything.

I could tell that she liked me. I can't really explain how. She smiled a little too much, eyes twinkled a little. It was either she liked me or was planning to con me of my inheritance. But I figured it was a little crush and I wasn't about to get distracted from what I was at the camp to do and that is to be with the kids and work on projects. At the time, I liked her too, but it was one of those scenarios where maybe if things were different it would work.

On some days off, I spent time with her and I knew she was a great girl, but I looked at the situation and my past and I really didn't consider the relationship to be viable.

She invited me to her parent's place for a few days after camp and at the back of my mind, I was unsure of what to do. She was falling for me and I believed it to be a lost cause and I was going to be the villain when I would break her heart. I tried to warn her and let her know the summer was not going to end the way she wished it to end.

I agreed to go nonetheless, because I liked spending time with her. She was sincere and I didn't have the heart to be cruel despite in the end I knew I would be far more cruel in leading her on.

On one of the last nights of camp, when the kids had gone to bed, she and I talked about the weekend. We were talking about what our relationship would look like after camp. I was saying that it was not going to work. Not right now. I'm going back to Nelson and she's off to school in Edmonton and neither of us should change our plans because of this. I said, if it were a different time and place and perhaps in the future it would work to pursue something.

What happened next is what changed it for me.

She told me that not trying would not cut it for her. She opened up and I saw that it was more than some crush. She not only liked me, but liked me enough to push against me. I had told her for a while that it would not work and that at the end of the summer I wasn't going to pursue anything. Despite the odds of me not going along with it, she thought I was worth it enough to defy my pessimism. If you knew her, you'd realize that she is normally a passive and quiet girl. One who accommodates for others. I did not expect her to say anything like what she said because it was out of character for her and because no girl has stood up and told me how she felt about me.

Suddenly, I saw her different. Not only has this girl encouraged me and supported me, but she actually felt passionately for me.

I tried to resist. Really, I did.

However, now the long distance thing was an annoyance, but then I remembered they have Skype, planes, trains and automobiles.

Now, my wanderlust is not a detriment to a relationship, but perhaps I can wander near her next.

Now, maybe this girl cares more about the guy I am than the things I have.

Now, maybe this girl actually admires me and believes in me.

Now, maybe our faiths can grow together.

I some times assume my story is supposed to be one where things don't go my way. That it's my lot in life.

Every once in a while, it's nice to be wrong.

"Hey, you've got to hide your love away

Hey, you've got to hide your love away

How can I even try

I can never win

Hearing them, seeing them

In the state I'm in

How could she say to me

'Love will find a way'

Gather 'round all you clowns

Let me hear you say,

'Hey, you've got to hide your love away

Hey, you've got to hide your love away.'"

- "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" from the Beatles' album "Help!"

I Guess That's Why They Call Me the Working Man

2011-08-07T01:25:00.002-05:00

[Note from David: It was brought to my attention that this post was miscommunicated to people who read it. While I was trying to communicate my difficulty in knowing how to get people to help, it could have been read that others were incapable of helping me which is a mistake on my part and not my intention. I have edited it to try and communicate better what I intended. I apologize to those who believed that I thought less of them.]

We have now finished our first full week at Covenant Bay and it has been a busy week. It was probably too much. One of the nights involved me staying up until 5am editing videos that would be shown the next day because I was not able to find enough time to do it before. I should point out that I did have a hand in making myself busier than I could handle. I suggested that we play a couple of games that I have designed such as my semi-infamous "Monster" game and my elaborate game of the summer called "The Legend of Zelda". (Side note: If you are a fan of the Zelda, know that it was awesome and if you know "Ocarina of Time", you would have appreciated it. And our Princess Zelda was played by Hanne Johnson who looks exactly like her. Except for the whole "she's a real person" thing.) Because we played those games and I worked to expand the Zelda game because we had more staff that we could incorporate, it added to a week of planning and filming four videos and helping with worship leading. Yes, you read that right. I was involved with the worship leading despite my lack of musical ability. I was kind of an advisor and was supposed to help plan the sessions.

However, I really didn't know how to approach it and it left me not able to do the thing I really love which is coming up with sketches to perform. Really, the role I am gifted at. I tried to do the best I could with it, but in regards to planning a whole session, it's hard. It takes a lot of time and a lot of meeting with people and it involves leaving the things I am best at.

I was barely keeping ahead of what was coming next and even then, my suggested order for the sessions were essentially abandoned making most of my effort a vain pursuit. However, that is a side point. Really, I could have handled it if I did not have all the other stuff that I am passionate about and excel at also on my plate. I love constructing elaborate fun games that kids get excited about. I love making sketches. I love making movies. I do all of those very well.

The problem is that I make all of those things complex and it is in my brain and I don't how to simply and concisely convey my ideas. In the end, I have these games that are fun and different but since they are more intricate, it's hard to boil everything down to have them better understood. I want to perform sketches, but I only like my own because it's what I'm comfortable with. I am the one who knows editing and I want quality so I will pile hours into making the best video I can. It's either that I don't want someone else doing the work because I am afraid that someone might ruin it and I have a terrible sense of pride. Even if I did let someone help, I would feel the need to essentially hold the hand of someone because I am afraid that I would forget a detail in the initial explanation.

This leaves me in a predicament. I love doing these big projects, but I have a hard time knowing how to get people to help me. What winds up happening is that I am the one who must do it if it is to be done well enough. I feel really bad, because I don't know how to incorporate the girls from the Summer Ministry Team into my projects because their passions lie in the people side of ministry. They want to help. They see that I am clearly overworking myself to do way more than what one can do, but I am unsure of how to fix it.

At the end of this week, I was brought around to the realization that what I missed most was the human connection and really that is what I've been wanting. Something of substance. It goes from the campers that I didn't hang out with a whole lot this week, to the girls on the team that I've had a hard time finding the opportunities to grow close to, to the wider scenario of people in general because of the skills I possess and the roles I take on. I don't know how to get the help I would like because I know noone who operates on the same level.

The thing is, I don't think the help I'm really needing or wanting is one of helping me do these big projects. I don't mind doing that kind of work or even using the amount of time that I do to craft them. In the end, I want someone who recognizes the work I do and gives me an even-handed critique. I am looking for someone to look out for me and make sure that I'm alright because I don't do that well. The challenge is how do I find a person or people like that when I isolate myself behind the projects I am involved with? How do I not alienate myself from others with how much I push myself in these projects?

"I get up at seven, yeah,
And I go to work at nine.
I got no time for living, yes,
I'm working all the time.
It seems to me I could live my life a lot better than I think I am.
I guess that's why they call me,
They call me the working man.
They call me the working man,
I guess that's what I am."
- "Working Man" from Rush's self-titled album

No Guarantees

2011-07-25T17:07:00.000-05:00

I am writing in my blog again, because I have time off. Forced time off. Right now I should be at Covenant Bay Bible Camp in Alberta, but due to circumstances beyond our control, we may or not be going there and we may be looking at other options as how to end our summer. At the very least, this week's camp was cancelled which is too bad for sure but at the same time I taking advantage of this time to reflect. And when I reflect I have to let my pretentiousness out into the internet. After all, the internet needs pretentiousness in order to work.

I have been thinking about dynamics between people and trying to unravel what makes me frustrated and what can I do to help my relationships be better. I think the that stands out to me that makes me frustrated is guarantees.

We want everything to be guaranteed. We want our things to be guaranteed to work for forever. We want jobs to be guaranteed. We want people guaranteed to never change. We believe relationships (at least the ones we are apart of) are guaranteed to bring us happiness.

The big problem that I have with guarantees is that really nothing is guaranteed. Even the highest quality items break down. The economy can change. People will change. Relationships have never been guaranteed. At the same time, we are surprised when the guarantee falls through and angry or frustrated that it did. We lean heavily on the guarantees in life and can often be neglectful because of them.

I get why people like guarantees. They can rest easy. They know that things will be okay. A guarantee can align their world right.

But isn't a guarantee merely some words used to convince someone to go along with whatever the plan is? A guarantee requires nothing of us and yet should we really be so angry when the guarantee turns out to fail? I live as though there is no guarantee. I have never trusted guarantees because I don't believe they exist.

Remember when Jesus forbade oaths in Matthew 5 because of the reason that you don't know the future. There is uncertainty in the future. Instead we are told to simply make your "yes" "yes" and your "no" "no". Oaths in that time was a basically a way of saying, "Trust me". I remember reading somewhere that the lesson is to be honest all the time and that the use of an oath implies that they rest of the time you might be lying. There are a couple of ways of looking at the passage, but for me it comes across that it boils down that there is uncertainty in the future and that it is wrong to claim certainty.

I think that is what bothers me. When people are certain and perhaps they shouldn't be. They are going to be devastated when it turns out that it is not. That their certainty has led them to stop thinking because in their mind they don't have to think anymore. They are certain. It's fact. You are either uninformed, willingly ignorant, or looking to pick a fight if you are not lining up with their definitive statements.

You see it when people treat their jobs with a cocky attitude and are surprised that a worker of their caliber is so foolishly let go or they treat their relationships with a carefree attitude and then are devastated when their spouses leave them and no one wants them.

It's the world of black and white. It's the world of children's stories. It's the world of comic books. In a word, "fantasy". There is little that is certain and to make things simply black and white in a world of complex colours will only bring conflict and you see it.

I suppose that I have an equally difficult time with black and white in regards to faith. People still love their guarantees and especially in the realm of the fate of their souls. Accept Jesus as your Lord and savior and know that nothing can separate you from your home in heaven. That's one of the biggest guarantees out there. Unfortunately, our treatment of guarantees still transfer to this one. Since it is a guarantee there is little reflection on it, there can be neglect of it. Things become black and white. Eventually more and more becomes black and white and soon our lives of faith are dull and meaningless. The only thing left for black and white faith is to eliminate the colour and make things line up and if that means some relationships are destroyed, some people declared 'heathens' or some lives are taken then so be it.

If faith is treated like a guarantee, then I fear that faith is dead. If a Christian cannot see the life-giving value of the way of Christ without heaven and without a guarantee, then you will be like the disciples and abandon Christ when the darkest times come. They also guaranteed Christ that they would never deny him or abandon him, but they did because they were certain in their mind about Jesus. They thought he wouldn't be captured and killed. They thought he was going to establish the earthly kingdom of God. They were certain and because they were certain they did not consider that the bigger issue at hand was that a religious system that suffocated it's people needed to be broken. But in the face of the loss of the guarantee of God's kingdom, the loss of the guarantee of eternal life, they could not see the value of being faithful to something bigger than themselves.

My question for those of you who follow Christ: If there were no guarantees in your faith, can you see the value of living faithfully? Is it possible to have the truly wonderful, full life-giving life that Jesus speaks of without those guarantees?

"On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup I ask silently
That all my destinations will accept the one that's me
So I can breathe
Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
Got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul
So it goes...
Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...
Everyone I come across in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering
But I'm never what they thought
Got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive
Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees
They're singing with the dead
Overhead...
Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite for ever orbiting
I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me
Guaranteed..."
- "Guaranteed" by Eddie Vedder from the "Into the Wild" soundtrack

Great Expectations

2011-07-23T21:15:00.000-05:00

Hopefully the title of this post doesn't get your hopes up that this will be a fantastic piece of writing like the book of the same name. Although if that were the case and you were disappointed at the end, it would oddly be fitting. At which point, my post would in some way be brilliant. There you go literature nerds, something that you can appreciate while the riff raff read through the rest of this unenlightened (unless they have Google).

Another thing I should point out before I start is that some of this may be repetitious of posts previous. It seems like I remember writing a little bit of what I want to write about and so I guess... I'm sorry? I don't know why I feel like I need to pretext the fact I may repeat myself. Maybe to at least recognize that I can be a broken record but ultimately I hope I am adding new insight.

I should also point out that this is also the first time that I had two pretext paragraphs. Oh, wait this is a third. Alright, let's get this ball rolling. Here we go:

This summer as a whole has been one that's been good and yet challenging. I will only make a brief comparison to last year (because I don't want to muddy one experience with the memory of the other) and that the challenges this year are ones that strike a little closer to the centre of my lifelong wrestling with finding connection with others. Last year, the big challenge was simple. Get as much high-quality done and give insight to situations between other people. This year, I feel like my expectations of what I thought I would find this summer are not lining up with reality.

From my days of working at Rogers I have learned that what makes people more disappointed in a given movie is not the quality of the movie but rather the predicted content of the movie not lining up with reality. If the trailer of the movie inferred it was going to be an outrageous Will Ferrel comedy and it turns out it was "Stranger than Fiction", people will say the movie sucked despite it was actually was a fantastic movie that was simply different from the trailer's portrayal of it.

In the same way, I think that that is what is happening this summer. This summer has been great but the expectations and what I wanted to have were not happening. I should point out that I am speaking of my summer as a whole, not specifically camp or the team or a certain situation.

I suppose I am handling my disappointment not too badly being that I have simply turned back to what I do so well and that is putting my head down and doing a pile of work.

I wish I could have aligned my expectations better so that I wouldn't be disappointed but I then wonder, isn't it okay to have expectations? Maybe even ones that may not be fulfilled? Is disappointment a necessary endeavor? This I believe relates to my earlier thoughts on being present and living fully. I want to find passion in this life and not just glide through not caring. My challenge is finding that balance between hopeful expectation and realistic expectation.

I broke a dear friendship I didn't think I would lose. I was wounded when my expectation of a relationship did not turn out my way and in fact turned out in the least favorable way. I was frustrated that I still have a hard time drawing close to people and I don't know how to change it. I was disappointed in myself and losing my patience with a kid and in some regards not living up to my own bar of quality that I have set for myself in years passed.

In my reflection and in a conversation with my mentor for this summer, Chris, I have wondered if it's because my expectation is not what fits who I am. I have sometimes compared myself to a person like the prophets of the Old Testament in terms of one who was outside the community and could speak into it, but has a hard time actually fitting into it. Probably more accurately and like many people, I perhaps expect far too much out of my relationships and thus I break them under my own pressure on them. Maybe it's both.

The answer I believe lies in the simple manner of being content with what you have and continuing to hope that following in the sacrificial way of love that Jesus displays will continue to refine me and bring peace. That my expectations will be reasonable yet hopeful. That I will embrace the good things and learn to be content when life is not what we wished it was. My ongoing prayer for myself and ultimately for all, is that all things are put back to the way they should be and that if we are able to bring realization to the hope of mankind who seek peace, then we will.

"Words you say never seem to live up to the ones inside your head,
The lives we make never seem to ever get us anywhere but dead,
The day I tried to live"
- "The Day I Tried to Live" from the Soundgarden album "Superunknown"

It's an Inside Job Today

2011-07-14T02:17:00.000-05:00

Today was my first day off in the camp stretch of the Summer Ministry Team and it was very much needed. I have been a little sick and a little frustrated. When I drove away from the camp, it was nice to have a chance to breathe and not worry about the next sketch or the next big game. I didn't even prep for what was next. I checked email, Twitter, read my Bible, listened to music, reflect.

I think what made me relax was, strangely enough, an article that Mark Driscoll wrote. Let me say that he is not a usual source for me, but he did say something that struck me. He talked about when big things like someone stealing his car or something hurting his family that he would have a Christian kind of reaction, but it was the common annoyances that he would have an atheistic reaction. His reaction would not be consistent with what he believed. It was a good thought. I've thought about my perspective on the world and holding onto things loosely and the big things in my life don't bother me such as what am I doing in the future because I know I will go where I am needed. The area that slips through is the common annoyances that can add up and even in those situations my patience needs to endure.

It goes with my idea of the heavenmind and the hellmind. I'm sure someone smarter has come up with a similar idea and this can be misconstrued as ripping that person off, but I did not talk to that person. The idea can be easily summed up in the picture of a traffic jam where the heavenminded person sits peacefully and enjoys the opportunity to reflect while the hellminded person is losing it in the next car over. The heavenminded has patience and has the perspective to not get wrapped up in minor things while the hellminded person is so focused on their little kingdoms that when their expectations are not met, it derails them.

I think that's why humans are supposed to have Sabbath or a day in the week to step back, rest and reflect on who they are in relation to God, themselves and the world around them.

Anyway, another great moment was finding a book at a store in Onanole called "Poor Michael's". The book was called "Why Christianity Must Change or Die" by an Episcopal bishop named John Shelby Spong. I flipped through it and read something that made me want to buy the book. So I did. It was a book that he writes to, as he calls them, "believers in exile".

This is what stood out to me:
"I have no interest in a system of rewards and punishments. I do not see the purpose of life after death to be that of motivating behavior in the here and now. I can live without any sense of heaven as a place of reward or hell as a place of punishment... I do assert that one prepares for eternity not by being religious and keeping the rules, but by living fully, loving wastefully, and daring to be all that each of us has the capacity to be. I also assert that making it possible for everyone else to live, to love, and to be is the only mission that Christian people possess. Our task is not to convert; our task is to call people into the depths of their own capacity to be... In that faith I believe that I discover life that is eternal. Is that sufficient to say that Christianity redefined, freed from many of its supernatural claims of the past, but still recognizable, will survive the exile? I think it is. But time alone will conclude whether or not my judgment is correct. I, however, will live my life as if it is."

I think I will find the rest of it to be an interesting read, but this gave me excitement.

As I got back to the camp, I had several conversations all in a row that made this day significant. I talked with the director of the team about the how the team was going and she encouraged my work with the churches, the camps and the team. I talked with a camper about how a major step in maturity is knowing when to ask for help as opposed to expecting others to know when we hurt. I, along with Rob, talked with another camper about how it is important to live with integrity and respond with peace and honesty in the face of those who mock us or lie about us. I had another talk with Bryan, the director of the current camp, about what it means to follow Christ, the grace of God and that life change is not in a moment, but rather requires us to participate in it.

It was very convenient that the day that started me off ragged and frustrated wound up strengthening me and reminding me that this life of faith is bigger than the here and now, but rather through the grace of God, the example of Christ, the refining of the Holy Spirit and our compliance that we will grow into our heroic selves with a heavenmindedness that will call humanity out of the darkness.

"I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today
I know this one thing well,
I used to try and kill love, it was the highest sin
Breathing insecurity out and in
Searching hope, I'm shown the way to run straight
Pursuing the greater way for all human light
How I choose to feel is how I am
How I choose to feel is how I am
I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today
Holding on, the light of the night
On my knees to rise and fix my broken soul again.
Let me run into the rain
To be a human light again
Let me run into the rain
To shine a human light again."
- "Inside Job" from Pearl Jam's self-titled album

Difference that a Year Makes

2011-07-09T00:09:00.000-05:00

I am halfway through this year's Summer Ministry Team and that is sad to say. I am currently in the chapel of the camp I grew up going to as a kid and am sitting here in a moment of quiet. The others have gone to bed and I could see why. Junior camp frequently leaves me sick at the end of it and it can be a long week. The kids are so young and you are essentially their temporary surrogate parent. I had a challenging kid in my cabin who eventually found a way to fit in with the others, I had another who would wake up in the night, (on some nights, several times) and just panic about where he was and I would have to scramble before he woke the others to take him outside and calm him down.

I had other kids who I knew had no respect for my authority. To be fair, they thumbed their nose at any authority, but it was aggravating to know they came from nice lives and they didn't even realize what they had.

It was one of the most challenging weeks at camp I've had in a few years, partially because I think that I have a hard time knowing how to deal with wildcard kids that are dealing with some sort of social or developmental issue who operate outside the typical rule of thumb. Generally, if you have a solid system thought out to bring a sense of structure to a group, the kids actually prefer to follow the system and you can have fun with them while still maintaining leadership despite being a surrogate parent. However, the wildcard kids tend to upset the whole cart unless you devote all your time to the one kid and that is difficult when you have ten others to worry about.

I'll interject to point out that the week was still great. I had a ton of fun with the kids, doing puppet sketches, being a fake eastern European bad guy singing the national anthem to the glorious nation of Davisamistan, doing commentary for the nukem games at the volleyball court, doing a pretty good Neil Young impersonation singing "Whip My Hair", and pretending I was morphed into a monster and being saved by the work of the kids. A lot of laughs had.

The biggest difference for me this year than last is the state of mind that I am in. This year has involved a lot of working out the faith I believe in. Last summer, I had just come out of one of the darkest points in my life and I had an energy that spurred me to push hard and lived out of inspiration. This year, I am fueled more by a sense of purpose. That I realize how well designed I am for a ministry like this.

However, the challenge to me has come out of this growth. As I had cabin devotional times with the kids, we had questions from our speaker who was fantastic and engaging, I had issues with theological stance. Not that he was vastly out of tune with Christianity and saying unorthodox statements. Rather it was the opposite. He was very orthodox. His theology and eschatology that he presented was traditional evangelical conservative Christian. The brand I grew up with. I should point out that this was not the crazy extreme seen in the movie "Jesus Camp" but a very sincere and hopeful presentation. He was not the one out of place here. It was me.

As I looked at some of the questions that were suggested in being asked, I knew what the answers were supposed to be and I realized that I believed little of it in the same way the speaker did. What was more difficult was the questions from the kids about what heaven and hell is like, or what about evolution, or what about natural disasters. I knew what the answers were supposed to be and that I did not agree with any of it. I didn't know how to suggest that there are many thoughts about those things and that even Christians disagree about them without confusing them too much. At this age, the kids see the world in very much black and white and to try to give them the huge explanation of my many years of wrestling with those questions would be difficult.

That's not what bothered me. What bothered me was that the Christian homes that these kids came from are just as black and white in their explanations about God, the world, and the end of it all. That they had a child-like understanding of these things and that even thinking deeper about those things is pretty much unnecessary and potentially dangerous to faith was hard.

How do I say that I believe that there is a strong chance that people may have evolved and that I am perfectly okay with that and that does not change the power of the story of Christ? How do I say that I don't particularly think the afterlife is not the point of being a Christian and that I am comfortable with there being no afterlife at all? How do I tell them that I don't believe that the reason natural disasters happen is because of human sin that broke the world on a fundamental level?

It reminded me of a conversation I had a couple of months ago with another who grew up in a similar tradition and had wound up disagreeing with much of the traditional understanding of Christianity. After discussing many things in regards to what we believe, she asked me the simple question, "At what point does all of this stops being Christian and is in fact something different?"

I could see what she was getting at. But I still believe in the story of Christ and that it is the example that we should follow if we are to find the Way, the Truth and the Life. I just see it differently.

My issue is, how do I stand up for it?

"You, who are on the road, must have a code that you can live by.
And so become yourself because the past is just a goodbye.
Teach your children well, their father's hell did slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams, the one they picked, the one you're known by."
- "Teach Your Children" from the Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young album "Deja Vu"

David Rae and the Iconic Hat

2011-06-26T02:10:00.000-05:00

Last night, I was walking home from a journey over to Tim Hortons where I finished a puppet script. I was wearing my new hat that I've had for a month when I had bought it for a night when I impersonated Neil Young at karaoke (It was a terrible impression undoubtedly). The hat was also going to double as Indiana Jones' fedora for a game I had concocted for camp based on the movies. It was going to be fantastic.

When I first wore the hat, I was initially uncomfortable wearing it around Nelson, but it grew on me. I liked it. It was a sweet hat. It was a cowboy's hat.

I was wearing it along with my black corduroy jacket and had my laptop bag slung over my shoulder (which, now that I think of it, is like a modern day version of the satchel that Indy had). As I walked down the street lamp lit streets of Prince Albert back to my billet's place, I noticed a probably high, young guy climbing on top of road construction equipment that was resting on the shut down side of one of the main streets of the town. I kept a cautious eye out for him and continued on my way. I turned the corner and knew that there was only four blocks back to my place. After walking down one block, I could hear the guy shouting at me to slow down over top of the music playing in my earphones.

I casually removed my earphones and put them away in my breast pocket and listened closely. As I continued along the second block, I scanned the dark trees of the Kinsmen Park to make sure no one else may be lurking. I could hear the guy get closer and continue to call for me to slow down. As I approached the end of the second block, I turned and faced him.

What comes next was one of the strangest conversations I've had. I supposed I don't talk to a lot of drugged individuals, but it takes on a special tinge of bizarro in the middle of the night all alone in the city with a federal penitentiary. I won't get into details, but it essentially went like this. He initially thought I was someone else, then talked about how he was in trouble, then he started to call out for people in the park (who weren't there). At this point, I told him I was not going to help him because he was making me super uncomfortable. I walked across the street and he followed. He claims that he just said that because he was afraid of guys coming after him or something. I understood he was trying a wide range of cons on me all at once. He pleads with me to take his shoe because it will save him from his dad who hates him because he's half-white. Yes, I typed all of that right.

In the middle of this conversation, my mind is thinking of my exit. I realize that I am only two blocks from home and that the girls from the team are there along with two young daughters of the house. I did not want him to know where I stayed. If this was just me, then who cares, he's not a threat to me, but there are the others. And this guy is unpredictable.

He clings to me and I keep breaking his grasp and claims that I will save him. I continue to let him know that I can't but he moves in cause he wants a hug.

For whatever reason I let him hug me.

Immediately, his hands move to grab my hat.

I quickly snatch it back from his shaky grip. He then begs me to give it to him.

My mind is still figuring out what the solution to this is. It jumps to the price tag of the hat and to use of it later in the summer. It jumps to the wisdom of running or fighting to thoughts of pacifism. And the one that hit the hardest was my thought of letting go of things.

This hat didn't matter. Maybe it would placate him. Maybe I need to let it go. So, I handed it over.

The guy takes on a more aggressive tone and tries to intimidate me with a monologue that sounds like it was written by the Ultimate Warrior using overly aggrandizing language of the heavens and the spirits and forces of nature and other improvised crock. I realized I made the wrong move. I gave him confidence. But I did not want violence to be my answer. Not over a hat.

I turn and start walking away telling him that he's got the hat and let me be. He preaches his monologue further like a Bond villain and as I plot my next move. Then a cop car flashes his lights. I approach the car and tell him the guy has my hat as the punk half-stumbled, half ran away.

The cop asks me, "Why don't you just take it back?" which was weird considering I am the cop here.

"I just want to get home."

"I can't really do anything, I've got another in the back already."

I tell him it's alright and head home watching to make sure the punk was not lurking around.

I tweeted about it and went to bed. The girls knew about it in the morning because of that and I kind of brushed the event off, giving minimal details. I really didn't want to hear the "I thought something like this would happen..." but I heard it anyway. The presumptive question was asked, "So, did losing that hat really bother you?" as though I were petty.

To a degree, yes, it bothers me. That hat cost a decent chunk of change and I barely had it for a month. We were going to need it later in the summer and so I couldn't just let the loss be done with, I will be throwing down money for a replacement. Yeah, it bothers me, but that is not the money or the hat itself that really bothers me.

I can't help but think that I have just enabled this guy further. I gave him the ability to terrorize people further. My pacifism has let him potentially harm people in the future. I didn't stand my ground like I could have and made him back down.

I have talked quite a bit, especially recently, about becoming the heroic version of yourself. Was I really doing that in that moment? I can't help but think that the reason I lost the hat of the hero, is because I am not one myself. This came at the end of a day where I felt like I kept failing. I didn't plan the day out right and I almost got the team in an accident. The cost of the hat and the style of the hat is not what ultimately bothers me about losing it, it's the idea that I failed to be the thing I want to be most. Hero. And the fact that the item I lost in the event is symbolic of a classic hero makes it hit that much harder.

Now, before you all get on the band wagon of "Suck it up Sally" or "You did the right thing" or "You shouldn't beat yourself up over it", I am aware that I am not defined by this event. But what it has me wondering is what does my heroic persona look like?

"I see a bad moon rising
I see trouble on the way
I see earthquakes and lightning
I see bad times today
Don't go round tonight,
Well, it's bound to take to take your life
There's a bad moon on the rise."
- "Bad Moon Rising" from the Creedence Clearwater Revival album "Green River"

Advice for David Rae

2011-06-23T02:43:00.000-05:00

You can't help liking who you like. This is a phrase that I use over and over when I talk with people about who they like. Whether it's that person who would be the perfect match for you or the one who would bring a world of trouble to your life, sometimes you can't help liking who you like. Maybe it's the way they look or the way they hold themselves or the connection you've made with them. Who knows? Attraction is fickle and so are we. That's okay. It's apart of our nature.

Sometimes, we find ourselves attracted to people who are just not meant for us. Whether they are married to someone else or we are a great distance from them or you just know in your gut that it would not work, we still are drawn to them. We think that if things were different maybe you would be together and it would be wonderful and perhaps you would be right. However, that is not the reality. You cannot or perhaps should not be with them for whatever reason and yet you like them.

Some would say that those feelings are wrong or even a sin to have. I don't believe so. You can't help liking who you like. It's okay to be attracted to or admire someone. I think we do ourselves a disservice by not admitting to ourselves that we are attracted and try to pretend that it isn't true.

However, I think the problem comes in when we are attracted to someone and we move forward with it when we should not. Just because you are attracted to someone (which is okay), it does not mean you are in full rights to a romantic relationship to that person.

If you should not be pursuing a relationship that is out of bounds for you, then you shouldn't. The classic example of King David sending a man to his death on the front lines so that he may take the dead man's wife is this overreaching of attraction. We have thousands of examples from people we know or history or the arts or the tabloids to show how devastating it is and how selfish it is.

I know you may be thinking that everything I have said is obvious and does not need saying. I would hope so but that is sometimes not the case. What I want to warn against is something just beyond this idea.

After we find ourselves unable to be with the one that in our heart of hearts we wish we could be with, we will settle for the second one on the list. We'll date the person for a long time and even choose to marry them, but they still are not truly the one they would choose if they could choose anyone. Perhaps at the alter, they wished it was their ex who was exchanging vows with them, or someone else's spouse, or perhaps an imagined person who no living person could be like. This is where the trouble starts.

I would advise that if the person you are dating or are considering dating is not the number one person your heart is drawn to, you should not be dating. If you are dating and your heart is still attached to another, that is not fair to the person who believes you are with them.

Know who holds the number one place in your heart. Don't pursue any one who is not because it is not fair to them. Don't pursue any one who is not for you, but instead learn how to let go of that person.

I don't say this is easy. I find it extraordinarily difficult even right now. It hurts. I can't help liking who I like. I hope I find the ability to let go so I can move on.

"Loving you isn't the right thing to do
How can I ever change things that I feel?
If I could, maybe I'd give you my world
How can I, when you won't take it from me?
You can go your own way, go your own way"
- "Go Your Own Way" from the Fleetwood Mac album "Rumours"

Pick Me Up, Love

2011-06-09T04:41:00.000-05:00

This will likely be the last entry for a while because as of tomorrow, I will be on the road with the Summer Ministry Team. After these first week and a half, I am excited to work with these young ladies and see what the summer has in store. There will be challenges as I try to adjust to the team and try to lead as best I can. However, we are leaving here in a little over six hours. So, this will (or should) be short.

Tonight at youth, we were talking about the topic of my last blog post which was 'letting go and moving on'. Generally, if I am asked to teach in some capacity and I am given free reign to choose the topic, I will go with one that I am thinking about. I also thought it suited this time in youth's lives as some are graduation and are preparing for their next step.

In my last post, I said that this was the biggest challenge for humankind and that the journey of life is essentially all about moving on. I still believe that. For me personally, it has been sinking into my perspective more and more and how I navigate life. I have more peace and have become more comfortable with the life in which we find ourselves. However, I have also come to see the potential downfalls of this perspective.

The most obvious is passion. More specifically, the lack of it. If one becomes more and more focused on looking to the horizon and willing to let things go and move on, it may get to the point where we won't hold anything for any period of time. We may drift through life, not really participating in any of it. That if the opportunity for something wonderful comes along, we may not try to reach for it at all or do it with a half-hearted attempt.

I don't think this extreme is good either, because this kind of hands-off approach can leave us to miss participating in the wonder of life. Although I don't want to be weighed down by clinging to things for too long and too desperately, I still want to live life. I think of the times when I would ride in the back of a truck going through tall grass and I would reach out and try to grab the tall weeds as I went by in one of those impromptu games that only you play and only you know that you're playing a game. I am simply seeing if I can grab it as I go. Then the weed pulls up out of the ground or snaps and then I try to grab another. I didn't want to simply brush my hands through the grass, I wanted to grab.

In the same way, I don't want to breeze through life with no passion. Perhaps I just need to see those moments or phases in life or special people and relationships that I can grab, experience, and let go when the time is up. I think, if we know that time we have is precious, then we will live with passion. With a love for life and what it has for us and what it can teach us. Then when it comes time for us to let it go, we know that we experienced it well and did not take our time or relationships for granted and we can move on to the next wonderful experience in life.

"Pick me up, love, from the bottom
Up onto the top, love, everyday
Pay no mind to taunts or advances
I'm gonna take my chances on everyday
Left to right
Up and up and inside out right
Good love fight for everyday
Jump in the mud, mud
Get your hands filthy, love
Give it up, love
Everyday"
- Title track of the Dave Matthews Band album "Everyday"
(for the first time, I will share a link to the music video, because it is that fantastic and you should spend the few minutes watching it. Especially, if you are a fan of 30 Rock: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXe8PFKsOIc )

Letting Go and Moving On

2011-06-03T11:07:00.000-05:00

We have started training for this year's Summer Ministry Team and I am excited to be doing it once again. For me, this transition of going back on the team is marking of the end of a year that has indicated a major shift in my life and thought. It has been fantastic. Not that it was without it's challenges, but rather it has been one where things have never made more sense to me. This entry may sound like a repeat of previous entries, but this to me is a summary of some of my thoughts this past year.

Anyway, through out various conversations and even some of my previous blog entries, I have been thinking about what is the biggest challenge for humanity. I was struck with this thought: The experience of humanity is letting go and moving on. This is probably not new to some or even most of you, but it got me thinking (which is a good thing?). People frequently talk about how the scariest thing is change and we often focus on that. We talk about how change is good and yet how it is intimidating. I am, however, starting to think that maybe change is not the problem or solution. I think the root of the fear of change is that we don't really know that letting go and moving on is the journey of life. Change in our lives is not something that is a necessity, but rather is a thing that is coming and there is nothing you can do to stop. The question is more accurately, are you able to accept the change and can you adapt to it?

When we cannot let go, change will cause much more trauma in our lives and it will leave us smashed on the rocks that if we can't figure out what are the things we are to hold onto. When someone dies and we hold on far too long and far too strongly, it may pull you down. You may think that you are drowning in it all. And you would be right. You would be drowning, but not because the person died, that the change occurred, but because you have yet to let go. By the way, I am not saying that we forget the person, but rather when we learn from their lives, then we actually take them with us.

In the same way, when someone commits an evil deed against you or continues to abuse you whether directly or indirectly and we let that act continue to dictate our lives, then we are actually surrendering more of our will and lives to something that shouldn't be in existence. Don't be shackled by the sins of the past. Seek forgiveness. I should point out that this paragraph still applies when you are the someone who commits the evil deed. Don't be shackled by the sins of the past. See what you have done. Identify them. Admit to them. Seek forgiveness and never go back. Let go of your sins and the sins of others otherwise they will bury you.

We cling to things that will never give us what we truly seek. We find that one good thing and maybe it is a really good thing and we cling so hard that we squeeze the life out of it. Whether it is the love of another person, the security of wealth, the power of our own hand, or the comfort of tradition. Instead of recognizing the good in things and being good stewards of them, we tend to take and take and take. Become dependant on those things and when those things fade away or disappear or break under the weight of our greed. We need to be able to let go and we will never be able to move on.

I believe this was what the downfall of Lot's wife was about. As the town she left behind suffered the consequences of their sin, she could not let go. She had to turn and look back and she died. This is a picture of what many suffer. They cling to their past and the way they like and it will cause them to die in their past. All the way from the guy who thought he could have made it in the big leagues if he would have been played in that last high school game to the widow who cannot navigate life without her husband to the man who will cut throats in order to secure his position of comfort.

Moving on, I believe, is like sailing on. Whether it is storming or dark or clear and bright, you continue to move forward, learning as you go. If you don't desire to move forward, then you will find it very difficult to proceed through the gates of heaven. You will only hope that it one day comes to you, when in reality, it beacons you and if you don't go, you may never reach it.

This is all apart of the way of the Christ. This is apart of the life of sacrifice. Putting aside the things that hold us back from reaching heaven whether those things are evil like the sins of the past or the comforts of this life.

The winds of change have come, are coming and will continue to come. Are you ready to let go of things that may destroy you? Are you ready to move on?

"Come gather 'round people

Wherever you roam

And admit that the waters

Around you have grown

And accept it that soon

You'll be drenched to the bone

If your time to you

Is worth savin'

Then you better start swimmin'

Or you'll sink like a stone

For the times they are a-changin'"

- The title track of the Bob Dylan album "The Times They Are A-Changin'"

Friends for the Road

2011-05-29T03:20:00.000-05:00

I am a couple of short days before I switch from being the intern at Nelson Covenant Church to taking up my role as member of the Evangelical Covenant Church of Canada's Summer Ministry Team. I'm a big fan of long titles.

It's a time of transition for me, but also many others at my church. Many are getting ready to leave and experience what God has for them outside the city limits of Nelson. I am very excited for them. I think one of the most important things that a young person can do is expand their world outside of their hometown. Especially one like Nelson or Minnedosa. I think that expanding our horizons is a part of expanding our perspectives, which is an important component of understanding ourselves, the world and our beliefs.

I do see that for some that there is much anxiousness about this next step. I can understand that. You are heading out into the world by yourself, with no one looking over your shoulder, you have to make decisions and you are without the familiarity of what has been home. You have to make a new home somehow.

In short, it can be intimidating to leave relationships behind.

We have spent time with these folk and have invested our hearts and trust with them. They know us and we know them. Even when the relationships they are leaving behind may be toxic for them, they fear leaving it because they are about to face the intimidating task of finding familiarity with others.

I suppose I have learned over the years was that yes, you may leave people behind, but now you have the opportunity to learn more people's stories and be challenged by new ideas and find that you can offer something that you bring with you.

One of my favourite lessons I learned from Covenant Bible College (God rest it's soul) is that throughout your life, you have friends for the journey and friends for the road. Friends for the journey are those who go with us for a long time, maybe all the way through life being at our side. Friends for the road are those who we have the pleasure of having with us for a short time. Maybe a couple of years, maybe for a ten minute ride on a bus. I think we often wish that all of our high school friends or hometown friends would be our friends for the journey, but I don't think that is a realistic or healthy expectation. We put too much on ourselves to build up relationships. And it becomes distressing to consider moving onto something different. We get wrapped up with trying to keep together what you have and it may even stunt the growth of those in the group to keep one moment in stasis.

However, if we realize that most of the people in our lives are friends for the road, we can find a richer interaction. That maybe we can, even for a brief moment in time, find a deep connection to those that we meet. It would also mean that the time we have with people is significant. We don't necessarily have years and years with people, but rather maybe we only have a little while.

Now, some of you may think, "Obviously, we only have a limited time with people" but although we understand that on a surface level, I don't know if we deeply understand it. You would see it most often when someone suddenly dies and people regret not saying the things they have felt about the person or regret not fixing a broken relationship.

Similarly, when we go into public, we could be that friend for the person who needs one. That the waitress who screws up your order needs for you to overlook it, because her life is filled with pain and the last thing she needs is a stranger to tear into her when she knows she messed up. You wouldn't ream out a friend like that, would you? Or maybe you can be the one that notices the guy on the street who no one else does and give him a compliment for his sweet kicks (do people still say that?). We could be their friend for the road.

I think one of the hardest lessons that a human can learn is moving on and knowing when to. When we want to lock everything down and fit what we want, we may find that we are actually killing the memory of it. That what we want to encourage people to do is grow and growth usually means we need room to do that. Whether that is physically space or emotional space.

So my encouragement to those of you intimidated by a big life change, whether it is you that is moving on or someone else close to you who is, is to make the most of your time that you have with them now. Don't be texting other people when you're with a friend. Tell people what you need to tell them. Don't wait too long to fix a broken relationship.

If you can start seeing the value of everyone's story, if you can worry less about having your friends with you for all time, if you can see the main thrust of human relationships should be growth, then you can start finding that peace when we lose people, whether it's temporarily or permanently.

I think the best thing that comes out of being willing to grow and experience a bigger world is that you can really see who your friends for the journey are. Those individuals who you truly miss and feel on a gut level their absence. Those individuals who, when once you see them again, you can pick things up again and know they still have your back. Those individuals who you love.

"Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh huh,
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh huh
Oh, I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love,
Some folks just have one,
Yeah, others, they've got none, uh huh"
- "Just Breathe" from the Pearl Jam album "Backspacer"

Cheat Codes and The Rapture

2011-05-23T12:53:00.000-05:00

I will admit that I was one of the folk that made several jokes about the supposed Rapture that was predicted to happen this past weekend. I don't want to dwell on the ridiculousness of trying to predict such an event if you are using the Christian scriptures as your basis because they (as many, many people have pointed out) even state that Jesus does not even know when it will happen. I don't want to dwell on the how dangerous and foolish it is to promote such a prediction that lead others to sell everything and potentially ruining their own livelihoods. I don't want to dwell on how stupid these predictions make Christians look especially when they always are wrong.

I don't want to dwell on these things, because I think the bulk of Christians have already talked about all of the above things and moved on.

I want to talk about my own personal reservations about the Rapture and ultimately the afterlife. One of the reactions I saw a few times over the course of the weekend was one of a certain wish for the Rapture to come. Even fellow Christian skeptics of the predictions gave a sense of mourning that they weren't wrong. They wished that the Rapture had come despite them knowing it would not happen.

I get why people would want to be taken straight up to heaven without ever dying. You get to circumvent one of the scariest moments in everyone's life. You go from living in a broken world and go straight to Jesus! For some (probably most), the best part about being a Christian is heaven. Not me.

One reason I don't want to experience the Rapture is that I would feel like I am cheating. You know when you play video games and you're trying your best to play through an impossible game. You sometimes wish that you could just get to the end and so you find cheat codes to allow you to jump to the last level or give you infinite lives or all the weapons upgrades and then you breeze through the game. The thing is, at the end of it you are left with no sense of accomplishment. You didn't really beat the game. You got to see the ending. That's all. What makes beating a game an accomplishment is struggling through it and ultimately triumphing over it. I feel like the Rapture would be cheating in certain regard. I leave all the rest of the world to burn behind me and I get to go to heaven? That feels cheap, doesn't it?

It seems strange to me that billions of people have lived and died and then I would amongst the few that skipped the last part. I don't know if you can truly appreciate a life in heaven if you have not experienced death. Death is not to be feared, but known and overcome.

The other thing that makes me not want to be "raptured" is that I believe I would have this sense of "we need to go back". Like I would be trying to convince God to send me back and get more people. I think it would be like Abraham pleading with God to not destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.

Why? I do not really deserve heaven and I know it. Not just because it's taught like, but because I feel like it's my duty to continue to be apart of a rescue effort until I am not longer able to help. I have been taught that the grace of God will deliver me, but I don't want to rest on that. It gives me this sense that I want to bring the good news to those still in chains, whatever that may look like. And if I know that I just left the world and I still have breath in my lungs, then I don't feel like I should be leaving. I want to be like those people who have been given much and would do anything to pay it back as feeble as it may be to do so.

Another main reason that this whole afterlife business bothers me is that it seems to be such a distracting force in our lives here. We have this mindset that "Well, this is all screwed up and I am messed up person and everything will be just better once I...". It's the exact same thing I hear with people now who have broken relationships and addictions and they figure once they move to another town that they can start over and everything will be fixed as opposed to starting the process of changing themselves now. They continue to wallow in their addictions or continue to bend to the will of those who don't have their best interests at heart because they don't want to alienate their friends despite the reason that they want to leave is because of the same people. I see it with the wishing for Heaven. "Once I get to Heaven, everything will be put right" and then we stay put.

Probably the people best equipped to adjust to Heaven are those who are working to bring that about here.

To be honest, I am not sold on Heaven. In terms of how great it will be. In my human mind, I can not conceive of a way of living forever would be awesome. I do believe that the afterlife will be as it should be. That God has it handled. Maybe He has something up His sleeve that will blow my mind. That'd be great. I will happily eat the words I just wrote because I also know that it is unknowable.

I would rather live as though I don't care about the reward. I would rather live as though I am living this one life. I would rather spend my life helping people out of the hell on earth that they experience. I would rather not wait for me to go to Heaven, but rather be apart of the work to bring Heaven to earth. That way, when I stand before God I have offered my best case before Him. Sure, I have screwed up and I don't measure up and Jesus will have to vouch for me, but hopefully I haven't just wasted the gifts given me.

And if it turns out that when I die, that is all and my soul disappears into the ether, at the least I will have already experienced Heaven and know that Heaven is real and have given people the same before I went.

"And it feels now
Just like heaven's coming down
Your soul shakes free
As its conscience hits the ground
These signs, this fate
Takes a path you didn't choose
Stay strong, keep faith
There's a change that's coming through
Hold on my love, hold on..."
- "Heaven Coming Down" from the Tea Party album "TRIPtych"

Single People are People, Too!

2011-05-20T19:55:00.000-05:00

At the church, we are continuing the series on "This Changes Everything" in reference to how Jesus' resurrection changes various aspects of life. For instance, my sermon from a few weeks ago was about how the resurrection changed religion. This week, we are talking about marriage. I haven't done any videos for the last while and so I've been thinking about what I can do this week. I have an idea that I am sorting out to give a perspective on the whole thing.

A few weeks ago when I went to Vancouver, I was talking with some friends that I was friends with from Manitoba. We were talking about how marriage is such a major focus of Christians. My one friend lamented how the pressure is so great to get married so young that people frequently wind up stifling their development as a person and then think that the whole purpose of everything is create more kids. It sometimes leads them to marry right away and choose a person before they have matured enough to make such a serious commitment. It can lead them to broken marriages and then even splitting leaving them on there own the very first time and they suddenly realize that they have spent no time developing themselves as an individuals and they are lost.

My friend pointed out how strange and even offensive it is for us to even ask a married couple, "So, when are you having kids?" Personally, I don't have that hang up on the question, because it usually comes out of a place of the typical order of things when you are married and I think it's a natural question to ask, but I also see her point. Especially when it comes from someone who spends no time getting to know you otherwise. If the first question out of my mouth when I see someone I haven't seen for a long time is "So, now that you're married, when will we hear the pitter-patter of little feet?" that reinforces the idea that having children is the only way we become complete people.

This is what is screwed up in the perspective of marriage and in particular the Christian culture surrounding marriage. I fear that people are desperately hunting for someone who will be willing to marry them as though it will solve their problems. Or that it will validate them as a complete human. Or that you will miss on a critical and necessary aspect of life if you don't get married. Then, it extends into having children. That the best people in the world are mothers and fathers. Who cares if you discover the cure for cancer or lead a humanitarian organization or help poor people on a day to day basis? Being a parent trumps all of that. In particular a good Christian parent that makes sure their kid becomes a Christian as soon as they are able to form sentences.

As Christians, I hope we are careful with how we view being single. It seems like the only way for a Christian to be single and considered as valued as a rank and file pew member is be a monk or a nun or dying of typhoid fever in some far off country preaching the name of Jesus. Single people seemed to be viewed as misguided or lost or lacking something that will make them a complete person. It makes the role of single one of inferiority. I frequently see young adults (and I was in this group, too) scrambling to find a mate because they can finally take on their ultimate role as parent. There is no role better than parent according to Christian culture.

It sometimes comes across as single people have no insight into marriage or children. They are less than or not as advanced as the ones who do. It's seen when you hear from the new dad and they give you the new dad speech where it turns out that having a child changes everything. WHAT? You're telling me being responsible for this new life has somehow made your life different? I just assumed everything would be the same. But with a baby. I wouldn't know because I don't have kids, how could I ever figure out? I'm too dumb. You really got to have kids to understand that it's a big deal.

Don't get me wrong, of course there's some stuff I have never experienced and thus will never "truly" know, but that does not make me a lesser person.

Now, here's the thing. One's mother or father or spouse should be striving to be the best parent or spouse they can be. Leading you and guiding to be the best person you can be in the case of a parent and being a person that supports you and you support them so that way you have an ally in this tough life. A good parent is critical on an individual level. Spouses can be a great person to have along for what life has for us. Parents help shape our perspectives and we want to raise up good citizens. However, the role of parent or spouse itself is not the ultimate role one can have.

The premise that the best thing a person can be is to be married or to have kids is where things begin to break down because these things cannot live up to the expectations.

I believe that the ultimate role people can take on is one that everyone can choose to take on.

What is our ultimate role? To be a part of the ongoing process of putting things back to the way they should. Whatever that looks like. This premise does not require you to be married or single, woman or man, a doctor or a lawyer, to be from North America, or to be a certain ethnicity. This ultimate role is one that can and has spanned all time to all places, it's just are we going to embrace it? It is simple to understand. It is difficult to live. It is admirable to be.

I would call this role "Christ" or less controversially "Christ-like". Although making the goal "Christ-like" seems like we don't have to try as hard. Look, I get it, no one can be Christ but Jesus. Fine. But when kids say they want to be "Batman" they don't mean "Batman-like". Sure, they will never attain "Batmanhood" but at the very least, you will have a dark, brooding ankle-biter of justice. I'm off-track on this idea already adjunct to the main point of this blog.

The ultimate role of Christ is one that can be taken up in all circumstances and looks different for each person. Of course, we aren't in 1st century Israel, born to a Jewish family, working as a carpenter. That was Jesus. But the Christ role does not dictate those aspects. You follow?

If we should look into incorporating the Christ role into our lives as hard as we pursue the parent and spouse role, then you would see amazing things.

I think a good question for us to have is "What does the Christ role look like in my circumstances?" What would Christ look like as in 21st century British Columbia, born to a white family in Manitoba, working as an intern? What would Christ look like as a parent? Or a spouse? Or a single person.

Another way of saying it is that you strive to be the heroic version of yourself.

The goal of the single person is not to get married. The goal of the married person is not to have children. The goal of the parent is not to make sure your children get married and have kids. The goal of all people should be a redemptive force wherever and however we are.

This all said, I think marriage is still a wonderful thing. To dedicate yourself to another person and be lifelong allies committing to mutually help each other become their better selves is a great thing. It is however not the best way to live. Nor is being single the best way to live. Those roles are circumstantial. Being the best version of yourself is your ultimate role.

"I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can beat them
Just for one day
We can be heroes
Just for one day"
- Title track from the David Bowie album "Heroes"

2011-05-18T15:42:00.000-05:00

I may write something a little longer later, but I just wanted to post a link to my sermon that I mentioned a couple of posts ago. Sadly, the 24 clip was cut short. None the less, check it out if you have time.

http://wpm.ecov.org/2010/06/247/?sermon_id=307

Stranger in a Strange Land

2011-05-16T15:13:00.000-05:00

I have just gotten back from a bus trip that took 22 hours from Saskatoon. I was out for a good friend's wedding and I had to make the decision of paying an extra $200 to take a flight or take the bus ride. I had to go with making the financially wiser choice and go with the bus.

People were commenting that it must have been a terrible thing to do and I agree to a point. I just agree in the moment and it is true that I dislike the long bouts of sitting, however, it was ultimately really good. I was reminded of how much I actually enjoy the process of travelling from one place to another. The destination is the point I suppose, but I appreciate the period of moving from one place to another. I get to sit there and think. I get to listen to my music and reflect. I come up with ideas for the future.

The long bus ride allowed just for more time of doing that. It also provided a couple of experiences that I appreciated just as much as the actual wedding event. On the way out there, I had a few hours in Calgary and it just so happened that a friend there happened to have a shift at a store downtown and I got to see her and talk with her, when I haven't spoken to her in what has been far too long.

On the way back, I was in Calgary and I went to a local restaurant to get food and to read a theology book ("The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer) when I encountered a couple of friendly strangers and we wound up talking about life and spirituality.

It seemed like these two encounters really encapsulates how I feel like in general. More and more I feel like a stranger in a strange land wherever I go. Even the people and places once familiar to me, have changed and evolved. While in Saskatoon, I was catching up with people and spending time with old friends and it was a little weird. There were moments where I felt like I didn't fit anymore. Other times, just the reality of people continuing to live their lives made me just realize how truly free I feel to continue to wander.

Let me explain that last sentence further. Some people, perhaps most people or even all people at different points in their life, see familiarity as prime importance. That we huddle up with people we like and build each other up and strengthen the community. We fear leaving because we will have wasted relationships that we had built. As a human race, we seek to cling. It's a good thing. It allows us to dig into each other's lives and hopefully help each other out (and pray it does not go the other way into gossip). We live together (and die alone because the Lost reference must be used). It's how societies work. It doesn't matter what cultural background you come from, their is always an interdependence somewhere in the culture. Some focus on familial connections or community connections or faith-based or tribe-based, but every culture has it.

In any culture, you are going to have deviants to the structure. I feel very much like one of the deviants outside of the community. I reminded fairly frequently that I am fine with that. Mostly circumstance has created it I suppose, but even people who are outside a community wish to be apart of it (except for those who are like me and embrace it as oppose to fight it).

That said, I understand the importance of community. I get why we do team exercises at camps. Sometimes it feels like I get the point better than those who believe that community is of the utmost importance and go all gung ho into team exercises. I get that we need connections to other people. We need to be grounded from our own headspace, imaginations, selfishness and pride.

However, I feel like I get that from conversing with people that I meet at a random restaurant or from touching base with folk on occasion. I learn from people and their experiences and what brings them to now. I find the more familiar I get with people, the more alien I feel around them.

There are exceptions to this. There are some individuals that I feel like I could spend all day with and I could see them the next day and not feel like it would be difficult, but in terms of bigger groups I would say that I don't get that chummy feeling that others get. I just kind of go along with it. I suppose it's closely related to how I feel like a town is a town is a town. I don't hate or love Minnedosa. Or Winnipeg. Or Nelson. Or Vancouver. I've been finding nationalism more and more weird.

In essence, it's like I fit everywhere, but I fit nowhere and I'm fine with that. The troubling thing is that others are not. They think there's something wrong. Maybe there is. I realize (and others have pointed out) that this would be very difficult to bring someone close to me, specifically someone that I could marry. This is the tension I feel because I would love an ally to go with me on my journey to bring hope and hold loosely onto the world, but not a lot of women (and people in general) are geared like me and I can't expect that out of them. It's likely, I either cave and join in (like I tried before) or I continue to wander.

Ultimately, I don't have an answer. I am not sure of what to do, but I also feel like I have bigger priorities anyway. I am not worrying about this. I am not looking for a solution. I am not even saying I will think like this forever. Maybe something will change everything.

"Like most babies smell like butter
His smell smelled like no other
He was born scentless and senseless
He was born a scentless apprentice"
- "Scentless Apprentice" from the Nirvana album "In Utero"

The Christian Trump Card

2011-05-08T16:32:00.001-05:00

I have found a place to pause and reflect. It's been a little while since my last post but that's because April was crazy month for me. Since I last posted (which I did shortly after my show at the high school), I visited Vancouver and Victoria to see my friends the Hildebrandts and the Dwyers (it is strange to refer to peers as chunks of family like that) as well to see one of my favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt. Then I came back to film more sketches for my May 1st show, went on the local radio station to promote the show, went to a farewell party for my dear friend Annalea, I filmed and edited baptism videos for some of the youth as well as the entire baptism service (which I then edited like it were an episode of Lost, though I did not add a smoke monster), did my show (which had a low turnout because it was a Sunday night and it was the last day of the local fair, but actually went very well) and then spent the last week getting my sermon ready for this weekend. I applied for a BC driver's license (since I'm here for another year), voted in an election, avoided a royal wedding, and loosely followed the story of the end of a madman (and also rediscovered my love for parentheses).

Busy, in other words.

Throughout this whole process, I have had a few conversations with a variety of folk and for some reason the conversation would lead to a mentioning of a passage of the Bible from John 14. It's the one that Christians use frequently use and reference and has been for me one used flippantly and always explained weird. By the way, this is sort of a condensed version of my sermon because of the prevalent discussions that lead up to it. This discussion cuts to the heart of what has pained me in my Christianity because it feels like we have been fundamentally missing the point as Christians.

The phrase that I am referring to is when Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but through me". In some conversations, this was a part of the problem of Christianity that makes it exclusionary and for others this is why they will not look to anything but the Bible for Truth.

While I was growing up, that's how it was taught to me. That phrase was always taken to mean, "You need to accept Jesus as your savior and that you need to ask for forgiveness." That bothered me on the basis that the statement to explain to Jesus' words took a leap in logic and connected dots that don't very obviously connect. However, I was always told that that's what it is and I figured that maybe I would understand later because I must just be stupid. It has been proven in the past, so I went along with it.

However, it never was resolved, instead it was used a Christian trump card.

Now, without repeating my whole sermon (which will hopefully be online in the next few days), I want to cut to the chase.

The problem, I believe, with the Judeo-Christian religions is that it focuses on the wrong idea. We generally take the point of doing the religion rituals and being forgiven is so that we are blameless before God and so He will give us a pass. So we do whatever it is that we need to do to be considered clean, holy, righteous, blameless in His eyes. In the Old Testament, it was giving sacrifices. In Christianity, it's "accepting Jesus into your heart"(whatever that means).

If the point were to be blameless and forgiven by God, then why does God get upset at the sacrifices given in Isaiah 1 or why does Jesus clear the temple and throw out all the people selling animals for sacrifices in the Gospels?

I think the idea is that forgiveness is not the point. It is about changing your ways to get on with what we are really here for. What are we here for? To make things the way they should be. Bringing order to chaos. This is God's will that you see again and again in the Bible. You see it with how nature works.

My one friend's problem with asking God for forgiveness is that it makes us think that when we ask God for forgiveness, we think that that's being forgiven. However, it misses what being forgiven is. Doing that doesn't change us. Frequently as Christians, we have short-circuited what the process of forgiveness is. It's not just having our sins wiped away, but it's actually about moving on. Putting our past behind us. Putting the wrong actions we have done and putting them in the past and moving on towards being better. Putting the wrong actions of others that hurt us in the past. Actions and words that say we are less than or worthless. If we can't put our past behind us, it becomes much more difficult to do what I believe is our goal which is putting things back the way they should be.

That's why when Jesus stood up against the religious leaders which had a system in place that actually discouraged people from changing with them earning money off the sacrifices and having a strict set of religious rules which would be impossible for a person to uphold, it would inevitably lead him to a death sentence. We frequently dwell on Jesus' death on the cross as a sacrifice for mankind's sins, but the other side of it is what led him to the cross. It was his fight for injustice and fight to bring about change in the lives of people that would allow them to come alongside the real goal of God which is to put things back the way they should be.

The Way, I believe, is the way of a becoming the sacrifice. Living in a way that strives to put things back together, the way they should be.

The Truth, I believe that Jesus was getting at, was that he was teaching from the same law as the Pharisees, but he was teaching what the real goal of the law and religion was.

The Life is the fact that when we can help in the ongoing redemptive work, then that's where life thrives. When relationships are mended. When mercy is given. When we clothe the naked, feed the hungry, heal the sick, defend the case of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. These bring life. To you, to people, to the world.

Unfortunately, Christians still fall in the trap of thinking the point is being blameless before God. It's just our sacrifice has been upgraded to Jesus. But the sacrifice is still meaningless to them.

Ironically, it means that when people take the phrase "the way, the truth, and the life" to mean we need to ask forgiveness of Jesus as our sacrifice they may actually have taken it the exact opposite way it meant to be taken.

UPDATE: I figured I should add a more complete end instead of leaving things sort of up in the air. Specifically, the idea of forgiveness. I still believe that forgiveness is important. I hinted at it half way through, where forgiveness is actually more than the mere asking for forgiveness, but it also involves changing and putting our past behind us.

I'll use the same example as I did at the end of my sermon. Christians talk a lot about being cleaned and being made "white as snow" or "having the slate wiped clean". However, being a clean slate is not the point of Christianity. Instead, I believe our slates (or lives for those unable to follow the metaphor) should state that:
'God is good'
'God is love'
'God is justice'
'God is mercy'
'God is working'
'Christ is the way, the truth, and the life'

However, if our slates are cluttered with the sins and lies of others or with our own past and our continuing sin, then it becomes much more difficult for our slates to say those things. We find life in the ongoing work of the world's redemption, but we need to put to death the sins of our past.

"I watch the heavens and I find a calling

Something I can do to change what's coming

Stay close to me while the sky is falling

Don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone

World's on fire and

It's more than I can handle

I'll tap into the water

I try to pull my ship

I try to bring more

More than I can handle

Bring it to the table

Bring what I am able"

- "World on Fire" from the Sarah McLachlan album "Afterglow"

Hatred of Heretics

2011-04-19T19:30:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, Rob Bell released a book called "Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived" and in the wake of a video he made to promote the book, it caused a kerfuffle (by the way, I have never had to spell that word before and had to look it up) in the church world. Some took that the video was implying that Bell didn't believe in hell or that at the very least he believed that Gandhi is not in hell (when they believe that he is because he was not a Christian). This was all based off of people not even reading the book. Some used this moment to dismiss him and could finally call him a false teacher, etcetera, etcetera.

At this point, I should mention that I have since read the book myself and I am admittedly a fan of Rob Bell and have been for a long time. His approach to teaching is one that I appreciate and one that challenges. I feel I should say this because I admit I have a bias in this.

However, I don't want this post to be about what I thought about the book. Perhaps in a future post, but I am not interested in that. What caught my attention and what made me more sympathetic to Bell before the book even came out was the reaction of Christians.

It was the immediate and seemingly flippant response to Bell. It was considered outside of Christian thought because it seemed to challenge the traditional understanding of faith. The question was not allowed to be asked.

This has always been a sore spot for me because it feels like questions are treated like they are the source of evil in faith. I was born into a faith that had everything locked down. Every story and passage had a certain understanding and it did not waiver. If there was a question that was asked, there is an answer even if it is an uncomfortable, hard truth that people will just have to suck up.

Essentially, everything in theology and Christianity had been boxed up and the only people that were allowed to ask questions were those who were outside the church because they "lacked understanding" and even then eventually they would be told "you just need to have faith" if their questions could not be answered.

I understand why many think that questions in faith is contradictory. How can you say you believe something when you question it? Doesn't that indicate that you don't have faith? Doesn't that indicate a distance because you don't even know the god that you profess to follow?

It would essentially boil down to "If Jesus said it, I believe it!" and it was a battle cry of sorts. I have faith! I have zero questions! Questions don't matter! The only one who can ask questions is God, that is it! The fewer questions you have, the more faith you had.

It felt strange to be honest. When someone said that they "had faith in Jesus", it seemed like they meant that they believed what he said was true. Thus the line of logic is that as long as you believe that Jesus is Lord and saviour and that you say you're sorry, then you "had faith in Jesus" and that you'd be saved.

The idea was that justification (being declared righteous before God) came at a word spoken and that sanctification (the process of becoming 'holy') was either unimportant for your eternal soul or is automatically given to you when you become a Christian. It seems like the spiritual journey of faith boils down to a moment in time. That split second where you asking Jesus to be your saviour changed you from being condemned to hell forever to getting the greatest gift in the world.

I always felt like that was a cheap journey. In fact, not really a journey. It turned the journey of faith to be essentially slapping a bumper sticker on the back of your car and then you could do donuts in the parking lot until you ran out of gas and you would still be declared a traveller.

Is the journey of faith really that easy? So simple? The rest of your life doesn't matter except for a 30 second prayer?

It was strange because when it talks about faith in Hebrews 11, it lists the great heroes and heroines of the Hebrews who did something because they believed. If I told you that your house was about to blow up, and you said "I totally believe everything you are saying and you are truly my saviour" but that was it, do you really act in faith just saying you believed? It seemed like faith was tied up in doing what God wants you to do. To show that you had faith seems more like you believed what God tells you to do to the point that you actually did it. James 2 talks about faith being something that you do.

Some Christians seem to balk at the idea and are quick to say that you aren't saved by doing good works. Which is not what I was saying. I am saying that your statement of faith is not words. I am saying that your faith is living faithfully the best you can because that shows that you actually have faith that God isn't out to trick you.

Which leads me back to questions. If we are trying to be faithful to the call of Jesus, shouldn't we be working to act the best we can as followers?

In every other field of thought, it is questioning the status quo that leads to innovation and to keep up with the changing culture and changing social paradigms. Not that the Bible is irrelevant to today and we need to update it, but rather shouldn't we be figuring out how to apply the powerful, life-changing message of the Bible in a context that is different. What does it mean to be faithful when the scenario is vastly different from the time of Christ when His message was subversive and his Lordship not understood and when He broke the chains of a strangling religion? Now, we live in a culture where Jesus is apart of the social milieu, when some of the world's leaders and rich are His followers (in sharp contrast to the oppressed people of the less influential). What does it mean to be a rich North American in the state of security far from the tragic issues of the world? How do we be faithful? Aren't all of these questions that are worth asking?

I suppose I have two reasons that I am inclined to listen to a guy like Rob Bell.

One is that I have felt for a long time that Christianity has lost its power and its purpose because we don't do much. We do missions and perhaps serve once in a while not because we see it as apart of us declaring that Jesus is Lord but because it makes us feel good. Faith has become a way to make us feel good as opposed to being apart of our purpose which is to join with the work of God to bring rejuvenation, redemption, order and love to a world in chaos and on the brink of destruction. It is my belief that this is rooted in how we understand what faith is and I have wondered for a long time if we have allowed our traditional understanding of faith to actually make us spiritually blind and lazy. Our faith is taught as something cheap, easy and an accessory to a privileged lifestyle as opposed to something that requires us to live completely different.

I believe that the journey of faith is much more than slapping on a bumper sticker. It is something that requires us to be curious. To be adventurous. To be aware of the hurt in the world. To be willing to become heroes for the sake of the one who calls us to be heroes and has shown us the way to be heroes.

Unfortunately, I do not believe our current understanding to be a sacrificial hero, but rather it is constructed as something that keeps us locked up in our walled cities and guns ready to shoot anyone who disagrees with us.

The other reason I am inclined to believe Rob Bell is not necessarily because of who he is. Rob Bell, unlike many other preachers who were cast out as someone legitimate to listen to, has had a history of teaching that looks to not just tow the line, but rather set people free from the demons of this life. Demons like insecurity, laziness, anger and distance from God. He doesn't seem to be in it for the money. Sure, maybe the Nooma videos are pricey, but he's not begging to send money to his church. It is hard to say that what he is saying is self-serving or even an easy gospel.

However, he asks a question that Christians do not like which is one that strikes to the core understanding of faith and he is painted as a monster. He is the anti-Christ (just like Barack Obama and Michel Gorbachev before him). We are told that he is crazy and off-base without hearing him out. He is a heretic and he deserves hatred from Christians despite bringing messages of hope and freedom in this world of pain and tragedy.

This reaction seems to be so violent and angry that it makes it seem like everything that Bell has ever said before this moment is not to be listened to. I think the guy's earned the chance to ask a question.

Who seems more like the one with compassion and wisdom? The guy who is sincerely wanting to challenge the status quo to bring about possibly a richer, deeper faith or the guy who is willing to cast the first stone before the sin is even committed? There is a distressingly strict religion that has built up around the life-saving teachings of Christ that it feels like the Pharisees have found their new home in the church. Let's remember that the Pharisees were born out of a sincere desire to follow God, but they let their understanding of the scriptures to be the prison to those who want to seek God as opposed to an opportunity to live in the richness of faith.

It is important for us to not put our faith in a stranglehold because we may kill it, but rather wrestle with it back and forth with the questions of what faith is and what it looks like. It will make us stronger and better able to travel the journey of life.

"Oh, let me put you in your place
I love it when you say
Giving everything away

Tell what's in it for me
Tell me now what's in it for me
No one's getting this for free
So tell me now what's in it for me

Whatever keeps you warm at night
(Whatever keeps you warm at night)
Whatever keeps you warm inside

Your bridges are burning down
They're all coming down
It's all coming round
You're burning them down"
- "Bridge Burning" from the Foo Fighters' album "Wasting Light"

Hatred of Villains

2011-04-10T21:10:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on the sadness I felt in regards to the treatment of celebrities. I feel that culture has a terrible tendency to either idolize or demonize individuals on the basis of a mere like or dislike of their art. I think it doesn't take much to admonish each other to give these folks a certain amount of humanity. They are nether worthy of worship or dehumanization. To me, it is a mere overlook of a basic understanding that humans deserve no more and no less respect than other humans.

However, I want to address something that is perhaps more difficult for an individual to concede. We all have our own villains in our lives. Some are minor villains like those of the snotty kid at school who teases us for the clothes we wear or this could be the man who commits monstrous crimes on fellow humans. For each of us, the villains are different, look different and could be the heroes of others. Perhaps they rightfully deserve the title of "monster". This is where hatred seems like it would most belong. We're supposed to hate villains.

Perhaps our villains are sorry. Perhaps they are defiantly angry and relentless in their abuse. In the end, I want to bring them together in one category. Let's call them "villains" for the duration of this post.

One of the things that breaks my heart is to see a person who has been wronged by a villain. Especially, when it rocks their world and it seems like they are imprisoned by the wrong-doing. Sometimes it enrages me so much to hear the amount of evil and hate that villains are capable of. I sometimes wish I could grab a bat and find justice a la "Taken". Some things are so wrong and no one should have to endure at the hands of another human.

I mourn with you, if you have faced the brunt of the black shadow that the human mind is capable of summoning. I wish I could take the pain away. If there was a way that I could, I would. I am sorry that I don't have that ability, but all I can do is say that you don't have to be alone.

It is easy to be angry with the villains in our lives. I believe you are justified to be angry. The question then becomes what are you going to do about your pain and your anger.

There are options. Like any other scenario that we find ourselves in, we have many ways that we can go. Broadly, we can try to take care of the symptoms or we can address the disease.

Many people go the route of when they get hurt by another, they deal with the thing that hurts them the most. They may seek revenge, believing that an equal or greater attack on the individual that hurt them is just and they will then feel like things are right. However, this may feel good temporarily, but ultimately it does not take away the damage done. They are still in pain. They do not feel like things have returned to the way they were.

Some turn into lifelong victims. They take the wrong that was done to them and carry it forward, blaming future failures on the past. If someone is bullied, they may carry low self-esteem that cripples their ability to reach their potential because of the doubt planted in them and then that doubt grown by their inner critic and bully. My own mom still carries the burden of her victimhood that she experienced from her mother and it clouded the rest of her life even past grandma's death sixteen years ago. This one is particularly hard for a person to recover from, because they actually face constant doubt in themselves and feel justified in not dealing with the issue thinking that it is someone's else fault.

Some live in reclusion from the rest of mankind. They will not trust people because people can hurt them. They live with fear and isolation. They can turn bitter and gain a vicious hedge of defensiveness. Perhaps they cut with their words or with their actions. Either way, the will not allow pain to come their way again. They will not allow themselves to be fooled again.

There are surely other ways people can react to the wrong-doing of the villains, but when you deal with the symptom of evil, you do not deal with the disease of evil. The sad thing is that if we do not deal with our pain or anger, we give the wrong done to us much more control of our lives and our character than should be. It is terrible the things done to us by the villains in our lives, let's not give it more power over our lives. We cannot control what people will do to us, but we can deal with how we deal with it.

If you are tortured by your past or by your villains, we need to have to prevent the evil of their actions from seeping into our actions. If we allow their violence or their hatred to make us angry, bitter, or afraid, we let evil into our lives. The evil that says "You must strike back", "You must close yourself off" or "You deserve this". If we want any chance of healing, we need to get to working on fighting the disease of evil.

We need to be assured that their actions are not a reflection on our character. Our actions are a reflection of our character. Evil being done to us does not mean we have to become evil.

How then, do we fight the evil of the actions of villains before it dominates our lives? It comes down to something that can be very difficult. It is the process of forgiveness. I am not talking about the simple saying "I forgive you" but rather the pursuit of making that statement true. It can take an incredible amount of effort to try and see that the villains in our lives are also victims. They are dealing with their pain, their issues and they don't know how. Villains are not born as villains. Villains grow up out of unresolved pain and pent up anger and fear. Villains are people that have not been able to forgive.

This is what I am trying to get at. If we do not become the people that do not let the evil done to them dominate them, then we will become the villains in the lives of others. We will be multiplying the evil. We will spread it more. We will become the very thing that we hate.

However, if we can latch onto the bizarre, yet wonderful concept of forgiveness, we will not only find that we can reverse the tide of evil, but we will actually find the healing that our soul seeks when we are hurt. It may be easy to deal with the symptom of evil, but I suggest that to fight against evil we cannot fight with evil.

All of these things said, I still believe that justice is necessary and that justice should be dealt with wisdom. If a person is in a place where their villain continues to attack them and hurt them, they are fully in their rights to go to lengths necessary to stop the acts of the villain from continuing. A bully needs to be corrected. A criminal needs to go to jail. An abuser needs to be separated from their victims. They need to deal with their demons and continuing evil should not be overlooked.

My pleading however, is for those victims. Don't let evil dominate you. Don't let the evil of other's become your evil. Allow yourself to be the one who forgives and in that find the thing that heals you. It is difficult and that is why I would submit that often we don't have the power to truly forgive. We need the one who knows forgiveness. Jesus, who came to the world in order to reconcile humankind with their creator, knows what it means to be rejected, attacked and wounded by those he came to save. He was killed in the name of evil, but he forgives in the name of goodness and healing because that is who God is.

May you find the healing power of forgiveness, the only true weapon against evil. May you know that your destiny is not determined by those who wrong you. May you find comfort in Him who is comfort.

"See my sister got raped, so a man got killed
Local boy went to prison, man's buried on the hill
Folks went back to normal when they closed the case
They still stare at their shoes when they pass our place

My mother cried 'The horror has finally ceased'
He whispered 'Yeah, for the time being, at least'
Over his shoulder, on the squad car megaphone
Said, 'Let's go Michael, son, we're taking you home'

Same pattern on the table, same clock on the wall
Been one seat empty 18 years in all
Freezing slow time away from the world
He's 38 years old, never kissed a girl
He's 38 years old, never kissed a girl"
- "38 Years Old" from the Tragically Hip album "Up to Here"

That Almost Seemed Real

2011-04-10T01:34:00.000-05:00

I am not going to say much on here today, but I wanted to post something in the wake of my most recent show at the high school and the fact that it has been a while since my last post. That's mostly due to the amount of work and time that has gone into this last show.

I'll be honest. That was one of the shows that I was most anxious about. Not nervous. Just anxious. It was the first time that I was called in to perform for a group that doesn't really know. I was trying to figure out what my audience would be and how I could reach out to as many as I could.

I even got the opportunity to promote the show on one of the local radio stations which is an interesting experience. It's weird to go and promote yourself to an audience. I've always advertised other groups and companies, but never the brand of David Rae on public media before. The good part was that I made a connection and I may be back on a somewhat regular basis to promote my other shows or events for the church. Strange but great.

The show itself went over really well. The majority of the material went over fantastic and aside from a couple of bits and one hiccup, the show went very really well. Consistent laughter and even some of the sketches that I assumed were not that great actually got a fantastic response. Such as this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWJqbDkjIUA

I am now looking to the next show I am doing on May 1st, that will actually raise money for me! It was confirmed that I will be on this year's summer ministry team and I am excited to see where God will use the team.

As for my spiritual life, I have been thinking through many things and I have to say that things make more sense now to me than they ever have. I will save that for another time. Also, I plan on continuing my mini-series that I started a couple of weeks ago which has sprung up from my wrestling in my faith.

As for my personal life, it is life. You didn't think I could actually go three for three, did you? However, don't worry. Things are well and even now, I will continue to say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord."

"Living on a lighted stage
Approaches the unreal
For those who think and feel
In touch with some reality
Beyond the gilded cage.

Cast in this unlikely role,
Ill-equipped to act,
With insufficient tact,
One must put up barriers
To keep oneself intact.

Living in the limelight,
The universal dream
For those who wish to seem.
Those who wish to be
Must put aside the alienation,
Get on with the fascination,
The real relation,
The underlying theme."
- "Limelight" from the Rush album "Moving Pictures"

Back to School

2011-03-27T20:59:00.000-05:00

I am getting ready to do a show for local high school in Nelson and I find the whole experience to be very interesting. For one, I was not in the popular crowd at school. I was kind of a big nerd. In fact, I am still a big nerd. In high school, I loved Star Wars and couldn't wait for the new movies to come out. I played Dungeons and Dragons. I loved doing the drama productions. I loved it so much, I actually skipped my last basketball game to go to one of several drama practices. Apparently, the barrel-chested monster of basketball coach scoffed when he heard I wasn't coming. I was fine with that. I wasn't one of the girls who had an awkward crush on a man double their age.

The culture of high school from ten years is vastly different with even the advent of cell phones. There was a girl who had returned from the city with a cell phone and we ridiculed that girl for the absurdity of such a purchase for a teenager. Now, some high school would probably have a moral dilemma between saving their kid brother or their phone from a burning building. It would be a crisis, because having a kid brother doesn't let you send text messages during class.

The idea of recycling felt more like a fad than something that was really going to take off. But now, it's second nature to these kids and I'm still burning tires in my backyard.

Vampires were something cool back in my day. They were deadly. Vicious. The battles between werewolves and vampires was the thing to behold and now they have been co-opted into romance novels for teenage girls. How did that happen?

One thing I am glad that we have moved past since I was in high school was boy bands and the Spice Girls. Although they've been swapped out for *sigh* not much better. Never mind. It's only evolved. I don't think my wish for utopian paradise will happen as long as pop music is allowed to make decisions around here.

I also dodged the tragedy of reality TV. No American Idol. No Jersey Shore. No The Hills. We weren't rewarding vanity over talent. And I realize that it was still happening when I was in high school, but at the very least you had to have some semblance of talent. Somewhere along the line being rich or being a jackass was included in the list of acceptable talents to give you a show.

We didn't have Facebook. In fact, all we had was email. That was the thing we would slip over to when we were supposed to be doing work in computer class. We would send stupid emails to each other. Or work on Geocities pages. That was how fun the internet was. It was the electronic version of having fun at a post office.

So, I know I have a challenge in doing a comedy show there. It's not just for the high schoolers, but I am going to angle it to them. The good thing is that there are still somethings that don't change with the different generations.

Teenagers still think anyone older than them just don't "get it".

Girls are still ridiculous creatures.

Guys are still jackasses.

School is still an obstacle to what you really want to do.

Madonna is still awkwardly around.

Some guy getting hit in the nuts is still funny to most people.

Someone else's parents are always cooler than yours.

People still think money and popularity will solve their problems.

Short people still pick fights because they're insecure.

Simpsons is still on the air.

In the end, this show should be a great time. And if not, people bombing on stage is still uncomfortably funny.

"Do you have the time to listen to me whine

About nothing and everything all at once?

I am one of those melodramatic fools

Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creeps

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

It all keeps adding up, I think I'm cracking up

Am I just paranoid? Am I just stoned?"

- "Basket Case" from the Green Day album "Dookie"

It's a Cold and It's a Broken Hallelujah

2011-03-27T03:24:00.000-05:00

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
Proverbs 13:12

"A happy heart makes the face cheerful,
but heartache crushes the spirit."
Proverbs 15:13

"As a dog returns to its vomit,
so a fool repeats his folly."
Proverbs 26:11

These statements are true for me right now. I don't know what I need to do different and maybe there simply isn't something different I can do. Maybe I am not a fool and maybe that thinking is exactly what proves me to be one. I am not writing much tonight because I don't have much to say. All I know is that tonight I hurt. I want to run for the door. But here I stay because no matter where I go, my soft, desperate heart will be there with me.

I feel like a fool.

"Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
....
Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

....

I did my best, it wasn't much

I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you

And even though it all went wrong

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah"

- "Hallelujah" from Leonard Cohen's album "Various Positions"

The Hatred and Worship of The Popular

2011-03-17T23:35:00.001-05:00

I think for the first time in this blog, I want to do a mini-series. I want to tackle the issue of hate across a few different entries as I started writing this one and realized it was getting long. This first entry is about the Hatred and Worship of the Popular, then the Hatred of Villains, then the Hatred of Heretics.

Modern North American pop culture has become an uncontrollable monster that is unwieldy and is on the brink of destroying our souls. Now, I am not talking about a moral evil that undergirds culture such as the prevalence of cheap, sexual thrills or the bizarre fascination of gore, death and violence. That is something human culture has always had to deal with and always will. It is vitally important to keep ourselves in check with that kind of thing, but that is not what this entry is concerned with.

I am not talking about discrimination of a class of person. While we still have things like racism and sexism, for the most part, people would agree that these are bad for these things to exist and people are pushing back on them. Yes, they still do exist and will for a long time, but it is in the open that they are wrong. Through the many years of civil rights movements in the twentieth century, we are slowly moving in the direction of redeeming this sore areas of our society.

However, in this culture, we have made it more and more acceptable to either worship or debase individuals. While we have fought to uphold the worth of a person regardless of their race, sex, orientation, religion, etcetera, etcetera, we have allow ourselves to become more willing to label individuals as worship-worthy or more distressingly hate-worthy.

The face of the target of our hatred has grown more away from being a type of person (because that is unfair in today's culture) to the specific person (because you are still allowed to judge). Mind you, humans have always had the problem of hating individuals, but in some ways it's more justifiable and thus why you still see it today. It's justifiable in the sense that "this guy did such and such" or "this girl think this and that". As more and more people accept the idea of "you shouldn't hate a person for what they are" we are left with a distressingly narrow sample of things to hate. So you have to hate people for what they do or say.

This is where I want to push against. I think it would be best if we can overcome hate for people. It is easy to justify hating people. Especially, if the rest of the culture does as well.

When I was younger, it was extremely popular for people to say they hate Barney. Remember Barney? Purple dinosaur? Tried to teach kids things like numbers and the alphabet and care for the rest of mankind. It was considered to be humorous to propose visceral and gory death scenarios for the fictional character because we hated him. And why did we hate him? I'm not entirely sure. I think it was the "I love you, you love me" song which is of course, worthy to condemn someone to death. I was probably one of the crowd that sought to destroy the fictional character for laughs and goofs. After a while, I stopped and said, "Wait. Why do I care?" It sunk in that it was vapidly stupid to vent all of this hatred for something that wasn't even meant for me. It was for kids half my age. Of course, it would seem stupid to a 12 year old. I don't need some dinosaur with some strange skin ailment to tell me what the alphabet is, but it's not for me. It's not trying to talk down to me or insulting my intelligence. Yet I hate it? And kids probably (?) liked it. It was educational programming for goodness' sake. I think I would be horrified if people were proposing to slaughter Snufflupogus or Oscar the Grouch and were spending their time imagining new and gory ways to eviscerate childhood characters. It's kind of demented if you think about it.

I use this example because culture is still the same and now it has a new platform to spread a stupid hatred. Barney the fictional character is no longer our target. Now it is Justin Bieber and even more recently Rebecca Black. I am not a fan of Mr. Bieber or Ms. Black (I will now use these titles to as a counterpoint to at least some of the bizarre vitriol that has been heaped on them). Mr. Bieber surely has a great deal of talent as he can sing and dance and he is walking into the meat grinder that is celebrity and doing it at a young age. I don't think his music is very inspired, especially to me who is 28 and is so distinctly far removed from his experience. It is over produced and borders on empty. I would not expect anything more than that from a 17 year old. Do I really expect him from his limited experience to truly evoke some new insightful look into the human experience? Not yet. Not that he can't, but I just don't expect it. And if he hasn't, I'm fine with that. He does not deserve death for it.

However, it is justified both by the ideal of freedom of speech and the fact he is far removed from most of us that we can image and wish death upon him.

Let's remember that Mr. Bieber is not meant for me or for everyone in society. There is no one saying you have to choose whether you love him or hate him. How about, it doesn't affect me? Mr. Bieber is not trying to kill your babies. Nor has he killed a baby. You can just say "he doesn't have any impact on my life and thus I will not give him more credit than I should".

I don't know what the reason of hating him so much is. It seems like the only reason is that it creates a sense of unity. A family of people who don't like Mr. Bieber and I can draw closer to these other people by stepping it up and hating the kid. It's a mob mentality thing.

I think it is a frame of mind that develops when we hit junior high, like my friend Adriane pointed out to me. Our minds develop the concept of the abstract and we get a better grasp on humor. We also start jockeying for position on the social food chain. This means we start ridiculing things to show a dominance over it whether it is a person's clothing, economic status or perceived aberrant personality. This includes elements from pop culture like Barney or Mr. Bieber or now, Ms. Black.

Some people may say that it's harmless. Of course, no one is going to go and actually kill him, but that's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried about the implications that it has on us and what it reflects upon us. It sets the precedent that we can hate and ridicule people for no good reason.

Our celebrity-obsessed culture has turned into a meat grinder with the advances of the internet, we now have access to more and more information and ways to connect with things. Sites like TMZ are devoted to exploiting people of note for the sake of a consumer who will visit their site or watch their show. Paparazzi have grown more vicious and invasive because we condone it. We will eat up anything that puts our cultural icons in a terrible light. If they screw up, then we know we are better than them and are more deserving of success than they are.

The advancement of the internet has also encouraged the crippling of maturity in our generation. World-wide connections such as Facebook and especially Twitter and YouTube comments means that we see more anonymity to take the junior high pot shots on individuals. Instead of people growing up realizing that it is immature to hate people so viciously over pop songs that they create, they are shown that you can safely continue your snarky, destructive remarks and thus stagnant your development into a person who has compassion for the world. It allows to continue to live in your selfish bubble. I see so many people on Twitter who are ripping into celebrities and they are in their mid-20's and bitter that their crappy, underdeveloped talent has not created the viral video that took them to the top like Mr. Bieber.

The internet has given the immature mindset the capability to speak to a worldwide audience and it is now the thorn in our side forever. Or at least to the inevitable nuclear apocalypse and human civilization reverts to a nomadic wasteland and the only survival skills we'll have is that if we could just find the internet, we could check our Facebook and update our status to "At least I'm not at a Justin Bieber concert!"

Recently, Ms. Black has released a video and a song that is not good. The lyrics are empty, the music lacking and the video laughable. Hey Dave, aren't you being hypocritical calling her stuff terrible. No. I don't like her work but I also don't hate her. From this one video and the little I know of music, this doesn't really seem like something that she is suited for. I hope she can find a pleasant way to exit. Or I hope that she finds a way to improve. I want her to do the best with what she has to redeem this world.

What concerns me is the attitude we have towards other individuals. It needs to be consistent. Just because we don't know the person, doesn't mean I should arbitrary attack them. Just because someone is not you, doesn't mean they are less of a person.

This brings me to something else that ties into this idea and that is celebrity worship. These individuals that we treat as greater than the rest of us. The more we raise up these individuals, the more pressure we put on them. The more we expect out of them and it gets to the point where we wind up disappointed. A friend told me once of how one of their friends tried to get an autograph from a celebrity. I forget who. It was one that you'd expect to be nice. Either way, the celebrity snubbed them. The autograph seeker was angered and it made my friend also think less of the celebrity. I asked where this happened. It was in a washroom. The washroom. The one place we should all expect to have a moment to ourselves. We will not take pause and realize the expectations that we have put upon these folk.

Another time, someone said that Keanu Reeves was supposedly disrespectful or didn't do something and the experience was so disappointing because it turns out he's an ass. I had to interrupt them at this point and said "You do realize that you had a 30 second encounter with him and you let that encounter affect you opinion of him." I go onto tell her about a story I heard from a person who worked at the Manitoba Theatre Centre when he came in to do MacBeth. She told me how he would be inundated with boxes of chocolate Turtles because he mentioned it in passing in an interview one time. His room had boxes of Turtles everywhere and he would sit in there, writing thank you cards to each person he could that had sent them to him. Another story was that it was a typical freezing winter night in Winnipeg and after a practice at the theatre, they had secured him a ride at the back door so that way he could avoid the people who had gathered to get his autograph. He decided to go down and out into the cold and sign everything because after all, they came to see him. But no, we never consider others and especially celebrities. Could you imagine you getting terrible news - forget that - how about just a typical crappy day and you have to walk through an airport and people have flooded it to get you to sign everything and we expect you to sign everything all the time no matter where.

We have put these people into the position of deities and they are not equip to handle it. Just because they are good at putting a ball in a hoop or look awesome blowing up stuff or make us jaws drop from their beauty, doesn't mean they are better than us and so are elevated to god-like expectations.

This pressure is what leads people like Michael Jackson, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan to break. And we're laughing at them all the way. Thinking that they somehow deserved it. "Way to be famous, assholes!" Sure, they've made mistakes but they live in the most caustic fishbowl that our culture can summon that leads for them to try and find an escape and leaves them gasping for air, left to die in front a gawking audience.

People, no matter how famous, are not any better or worse than the rest of us. They don't matter more. They don't matter less.

The problem that arises when we have such unnecessary anger on these folk is that although we are removed from them and may not affect them directly, it creates in us a terrible precedent of hatred for no reason. It creates in us the seed of hatred that will more readily blossom when someone wrongs us and we will be less likely to be gracious.

The problem that arises when we raise these people above us is that it puts unrealistic pressure on them and it can lead them to self-destruct and I would say that the blame falls onto us, the society that crushed them. It also gives us the premise that some people are worth more than others.

By the way, the Onion did a fantastic satirical piece on this very idea. Check it out. http://www.theonion.com/articles/your-obsessive-love-or-hatred-of-me-means-nothing,19707/

The next time, I want to talk about people that may deserve our animosity.

"I lie in the soil and fertilize mushrooms
Leaking out gas fumes are made into perfume
You can't fire me because I quit
Throw me in the fire and I won't throw a fit.
Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away!"
- "Scentless Apprentice" from the Nirvana album "In Utero"

When Words Fail

2011-03-15T03:47:00.000-05:00

I believe that I have a very specific set of skills. I may not have many technical abilities aside from tricking iMovie into doing things that it doesn't normally do. I don't have much in the way of physical talents aside from tallness, which is not really an ability so much as a description. Now, before you think that this is one of these pity party posts (alliteration no intended), I want to let it be known that I am growing more and more comfortable with that. I like that I have a special way with words and stories. I am very good with the word putting together ability skill. Both on stage and offstage. I love teaching and explaining. I love comforting people. I love debating. I love making people laugh.

Mind you, I can get kind of angsty and overly melodramatic with words if I'm not careful and come off sounding like an idiot with too soft of a heart. Maybe I am. But that is also what allows me to sympathize with people and be able to defend people.

I feel one of my strong suits is certain arenas of communication. Another is sorting through hard questions of theology and life. I don't like to shy away from reflection and wrestling.

That's why it sucks to be in a situation where you know you have no words to give. A situation where words are ineffective. It's hard when someone is in the middle of something and the only answer at the end of the night is to leave the situation in tension and pray.

I have found myself to be one of those fixer personalities. If I see something broken and I can see how it can be different, I want to fix it. And I get frustrated when I can't. My heart aches in those situations. There is nothing more aggravating than seeing the troubled spirit in the eyes of someone you care about and having nothing that will fix it. You can't swap with them. You can't give them anything. You can't do much. It's one of those limitations of being human that in the end, that only those involved and God can sort out.

The problem then becomes, what can I do? Once my words fail me, I don't know what to do. A hug? Assurance that things will work out? Sit in silence with the person? What does it mean to be there for them? I am afraid of saying or doing something wrong and I am afraid of doing nothing at all.

"A heart that's full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal
You look so tired and unhappy
Bring down the government
They don't, they don't speak for us
I'll take a quiet life
A handshake of carbon monoxide
No alarms and no surprises"
- "No Surprises" from the Radiohead's "OK Computer"

The Comedian Nelson Deserves, But Not the One It Needs Right Now

2011-03-07T02:54:00.000-06:00

I think I want to start this blog post with what may be new information. After many discussions with Arden and Chris, I have decided to stay in Nelson for one more year. I will take the summer to most likely (but nothing is certain) go on the Covenant's Summer Ministry Team which seems to be perfect for a guy like me. After that, I will return to Nelson and continue my work here with the youth, media and theatre. For some, this may come as a surprise, because I resisted digging in. I said, at one point, "I only want to be here for a few months and then move on." It went from my original proposal of three months to the agreement of seven months to an extension for one more year.

For readers of my blog, you would be familiar with the idea I had of only staying for a while and then moving onto something new. Go to a new church and do start the process again. The focus would be on the writing and performing.

However, my other abilities have shown themselves to be something the church wants even more than my performance. They say that I have turned into a mentor-type role. I suppose some have found my conversations with them to be engaging and challenging. It's not like it's something different than what I did before. Most of my conversations with people tend to slant towards more serious topics, which surprise some I'm sure.

It was reasoned to me that I could have more impact on the youth and young adults if I stay and continue to cultivate those relationships as opposed to pull up roots and move on. I can see what they are saying. However, for me that is the exact reason I want to keep moving.

I didn't want to stay because the longer I do, the more I get planted here. I more I get planted here, the harder it will be for me to leave. The harder it is for me to leave, then things will become more permanent. I don't know if I want permanent. I feel like I am better as a stranger. I'm fine with being a stranger in a lot of regards because if I am moving along with nothing permanent, then I don't need much. I don't need to be financially successful. I don't need to commit to something that in the end would be merely an obligation. I can do what I am good at and then go before I have to dig into something fleeting.

I find it too easy for myself to be derailed by some nice, young lady. The longer I stay in the place, the greater chance I get wrapped up in something that will be distracting at best or aggravatingly hurtful at worst. Aggravating in the fact, that I know full well that I will be hurt, but still act foolish anyway. If I knew that I would be leaving in a few months, then I also know that I can put women aside and be less likely to be distracted and less likely to pursue something.

At this point, you may be asking, it sounds like you don't want to stay. You would be right in a lot of regards. I don't want to because I am scared to get ingrained here. I want to protect myself. I also know that it would be great to share theatrical elements in more places and there's a certain longing to do that as well.

However, knowing that I have built these relationships with some and know that it has been beneficial for them to have me here and knowing that I am more than just the comedian to them, I feel like I would be selfish to leave them just yet. Perhaps it would be better for sake of the people here that I continue to be involved in this community for a while longer. I care for these folks and if I have a special role in their lives, then I don't want to pull myself out of their lives yet. I want them to be able to gain whatever benefit they can from my experience.

I want to be a man who did what was best for others. I want to honour the abilities the Lord has given me to make better disciples for Christ. If I leave at this point, sure, I would be doing what I want, but sometimes you have to do something you don't necessarily want to because it is better for others that you love. Even if it means it may hurt to do so.

By the way, I do like being here. I enjoy it. These people are great. I am just skittish.

"Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose

Ain't turning back for me and you

Don't look over your shoulder

No time for regrets

You got your demons I got mine

Our paths have crossed at a crucial time

Suddenly, we're older

Scared of what's ahead

We were looking for the answers in all the wrong places

But now the chance is knocking on our door

To grab hold of what we been reaching for"

- "Just a Motion Away" from Gino Vannelli's "These are the Days"

You Can Live Life as a Christian and Still Be Something Called Human

2011-02-21T05:24:00.002-06:00

I came back from a youth conference today that was in Kelowna and I found myself there being dismayed. The last couple of times I've been to these kind of events I have been bothered by two main thoughts.

One is the extravagance of these events. There is a lot of flash and glamour put into these events to make them fresh and cool and exciting for the teenagers at the event. It feels like we're trying to market Jesus to the crowd and will pay any price for it. I suppose to deliver a powerful and meaningful message such as the call to following Christ is one that we go to great lengths to deliver. I can understand the reasoning behind it. It's like a missionary speaking the native language and following local customs to relate the message as opposed to forcing the culture to conform to our ideas on society. However, the culture that we're speaking to is one drenched in media and I wonder if we are merely offering a rock concert experience that simply fades days after the show is done. For some, I assume it is.

For being more of a casual observer in the last couple as opposed to a participant or a contributor, it is obvious that it is for some. That the message in the midst of the flash is simply ignored. We do our best to reach out and the noise drowns it out. Mind you, even with focused attention people are going to ignore it anyway. I suppose that saddens me. I know that the message is for all, but some, no matter what you do, are going to ignore the call to something that is different and life-giving.

The other thought is one that bothered me much more and that is the emotional fuel that the events thrive on. I think one of the hardest things that has negatively influenced my faith has been the idea that these events are spiritual high watermarks. That the speakers and the music and heart-felt stories about amazing magical signs of God are all gearing the audience to amp their emotions high. To get them to a place where you key into the stories they tell that talk about a faith that magically changes everything in your life. That this emotion that you are feeling is the Holy Spirit moving in the place and speaking to you.

It seems to paint that the reason you have faith and are obedient the other 363 days of the year is so you can come to another one of these events to meet God again in an intense and real way. That if you are not experiencing this "spiritual" feeling the rest of your year, that you could be doing more and are failing at being faithful. After all, these speakers talk about amazing stories of faith stopping evildoers in their tracks, healing people of their diseases, or hearing the very voice of God. If you don't have these spiritual gifts come to you, then you are not letting the Holy Spirit in and do His work in your life.

That's where I had a hard time, because despite the fact I wanted to be faithful, I wasn't emblazoned with the Spirit like I was at camps and retreats that clearly I was distant from God. I would still try to understand and be obedient, but I still believed that I was being a follower who was less than where I should be. Especially as a Christian who grew up in the faith. You could never live up to where you should be. No matter how good you may think you're doing, you would always look around and some how the bar was raised another two feet. You were a failure and you always would be, but fortunately Jesus would always forgive but would be always be kind of sad because you disappointed Him again.

You would hear stories at the campfire about people being spiritually empty but now that they've had a week at camp, they are more on fire than they've ever been. It was strange, because there was not a lot of variance in the story. Is that the real purpose of these events? To get the high watermark that you couldn't live up to in the rest of your year? You would look forward to these events because your lacked that emotional connection to God.

Then it happened. I went to camp and the feeling was lessened each year I went. My "connection" to God lessened. I wanted to have that connection. I mean, I had spent my year being as faithful and obedient as I could. I needed my refresher because I was trying to depend on God. I would try to reconnect and become a stronger Christian.

I went to Bible college to be a better Christian, devoting time and money and focus to find the God of my youth. But I never did. Was I white-washed tomb that Jesus scorned in the scriptures? I felt like it.

I grew more cynical and I started to really become frustrated with my faith. I tried to sort it out and yet still be faithful but I never did reach that clarity that I had when I was younger when God seemed to be right there.

It wasn't until much later that it clicked. I don't know when it clicked. Maybe when it was when I was asked to be a speaker at a camp. Which was funny to me because I believed myself to be a spiritless Christian. Someone who God wasn't talking to because I hadn't heard anything in a long time. Even in decisions that I tried to discern God's will on (and was validated by other trustworthy Christians), they seemed to lead me to a place where it felt like I had failed in being faithful.

I think that when I was planning out my talks, I didn't want to try to trick people into faith. I wanted them to see that faith was reasonable. I wanted them to have a sincere faith and not one where I got people to start following Jesus based on me pulling out sob stories. I wanted to speak truth. I wanted to treat the kids I was speaking to with respect and challenged them to think deeper about faith. I wanted to talk to them about topics that I never heard when I was younger. Talk about things that were relevant and pragmatic.

I noticed a distinct difference. I would sometimes tell stories that were very relevant to the topic and were very personal and emotional and as I told them, I knew that from a dramatic perspective that I could totally amp up the emotion to make them feel bad. To make them puddy. I could see it. And I was horrified. All these years, I had been duped. I had been duped.

It started falling into place. The speakers know how to make you sympathize with them. Trust them. Get you to come alongside them where when the emotions were right, they could evoke the redemption story of Christ and because people want the happy ending (or at least avoid a horrific one) they would turn to Christ. The call of a full life and a wonderfully deep and challenging life was being mired by emotional manipulation. The talk of discipleship was premised on a guilt trip that you could never live up to.

Choreographed emotion-charged moments were labelled as "the presence of God" and it led me to believe that the mundane Christian life that we spent the bulk of time living was lacking that presence.

I say this and do realize that I don't believe that this is the intention of these speakers and worship leaders (at least for the most part). I don't believe that they are apart of a malicious group trying to trick as many people into becoming Christians so that they can earn more money. I don't believe because I know a lot of these individuals. I am one of these individuals who sincerely believe in the story of Christ and the call of a God-centric life.

However, over time, we have accidentally created an impossible standard that was never intended. There are unwritten rules that say you need to only have the Christian versions of media, that if you need to be thinking of Jesus in absolutely every moment, that you are innately unlovable and it's only because God is so absolutely good that we, the evil, vile, putrid, urine-soaked, scum of the earth are forgiven. We pride ourselves in avoiding being legalistic like Pharisees and rather uphold a listening to the spirit and being free from the law. However, what we have instead is a mandate to a level of spirituality that is as life-draining and as alienating as the Pharisee, but premised differently. Instead of having the belief that following laws to such stringent and ridiculous levels is spirituality, we are now in a place where having the belief that you need to have a certain feeling and being draped in everything labelled Christian is spirituality.

The fact is the life of the Christian is the day in day out decisions that we make. We make ourselves a people that loves God with our heart, soul, mind and strength the best we can. We make ourselves a people that serves others the best we can. We don't get caught up in what feeling we have. Having a certain feeling or sensation is not God's presence just like having certain feeling or sensation is not the presence of a person. Christians believe that God is always present. You might have moments where you notice God's presence but that doesn't make you a better Christian in that moment just like noticing the presence of your wife doesn't make you a better husband. Rather, what makes you a better Christian and a better husband is being faithful and doing what you can to be the best Christian or husband you can be.

This idea flies in the face of teaching that so heavily emphasizes the idea of being saved by grace. I still believe that we are at the mercy of God and God's grace is what gives us the ability to become the best people we can be and to be considered righteous. However, I believe that our actions accurately reflect our beliefs. I'm not saying that works save you or that you can judge another person, but rather I think that if you call yourself a follower of Jesus then I believe it is more important to be obedient than it is to have a feeling.

We have made the Christian walk a soft-headed, fancy worded, therapy session that expects nothing out of it's followers while allowing the people who are crying out for help from God and His people to fall by the wayside. And for the ones that do happen to stumble in will only find a feel good pat on the back religion that will never fix anything.

Mind you, after I've said all of these things, it would seem like that these events are horrible things, but I do know something else vital that comes out in these events and it is the reason that I believe these events are good. The people who attend have a fantastic chance to meet together, grow together and have a chance to live into each other's lives. You have a chance to have fun together, converse with other, sing praises to God together, pray together, and live into each other's lives and learn about God together. As a leader, you can go back home with the kids and use this bonding to be able to teach and disciple them and be able to challenge them because you have spent time together and show that you can live life as a Christian and still be something called human (and not an alien who's emotions are restricted to happiness and guilt).

P.S. I do believe that you can have a strong emotional connection to God, but I want to emphasize that feeling a certain way is not an indicator of faith but rather being faithful is an indicator of faith.

"Well, my goodness gracious, let me tell you the news
My head's been wet with the midnight dew
I've been down on bended knee
Talkin' to the man from Galilee
He spoke to me in the voice so sweet
I thought I heard the shuffle of the angel's feet
He called my name and my heart stood still
When he said, "John, go do my will"
Go tell that long, tongue liar,
Go and tell that midnight rider,
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter,
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down"
- "God's Gonna Cut You Down" from the Johnny Cash album "American V: A Hundred Highways"

Catch-22 of Inefficiency

2011-02-08T03:00:00.000-06:00

I don't miss my Xbox much. I've been fine without it, although there is something I do miss and that is Rock Band. If I had it here, I could easily drain hours into it. I want to see what songs are available to download. I want to hook up the mike and guitar and pretend to be the rock star I fantasize about being. I don't even play it to perfect my skill at the game, but I just play because I love to play. It is almost like that thing that musicians have where they love playing music. I love singing the familiar songs and those plastic instruments give you an excuse to belt it out.

Of course, if I did have it here, it would distract me. It totally would. I would be sitting at the table with my pen and trying to write my scripts or at the computer editing videos and my mind would drift to rocking out to Nirvana's "Breed" or the whole Nevermind album. Would it take over? No, I wouldn't let it, but it would distract me.

When I have a creative project and the pressure of the deadline comes, I get skittish. My mind begins working more and more. I stress more and more. And that stress plays out by avoiding the work to pull it together. I have a terrible tendency to leave it until the last moment. However, it is not because I am not putting in the time to work on it. I may put off getting to it in my day, but when I do sit down to do it, my mind has the tendency to not focus on the material, but rather on the fact that the material is almost due. It's a Catch-22 of inefficiency.

It's like the debate in my head is the one side who buckles under the stress and protests against any project that would bring such stress. The other side is the one who is trying to keep the whole thing going and saying "You are going to look like a fool if you don't put in the time to do this right." The second voice will keep losing the debate until his voice gets stronger and stronger as the deadline gets closer and closer. Unfortunately, it usually comes too late. I may pull the show together, but I know it could have been better.

This struggle happens for each one of these shows or any one of my major "projects" where I am the main creative engine in it. Whether it is the Early Night Show or 24 Day or even down to sketches for church, it has the same issue.

The question then becomes, "What can I do to inspire me to produce the best work possible?"

I know that in the past, it was the influence of a significant person in my life that would centre me. They wouldn't even have to do much aside from spend some time with me and talk. Not even talk about the show. Not even about anything in particular. I think I just need to be reminded that I have someone who is on my side. That someone is there to notice when I do create it.

If I don't have that significant person, then it turns to other things. Like Rock Band. Or needless and repetitive internet surfing. Or blog posting.

I have been trying to keep God as the centering figure in my life. That He is the presence who I work for. That He is what inspires and pushes me forward. I've been trying to read more of the Scriptures and more time in prayer and reflection. To a certain extent I feel like I do alright at it.

However, I will say honestly that to me that the tangible presence of God (for me at least) is there through people. God can inspire in those moments of solitude, reflection, prayer and study, but when you need someone there, someone to say that something that encourages or inspires, I think God uses people.

Arden has been speaking about community at the church recently and I am always reminded about the idea that Holy Spirit works through people. The big call for us by God is to reach out to others, challenge them, support them and care for them. I think this is because when we are doing these things, that we are putting God's love into action. We are involved in that very idea of being the presence of God for others. Not to say that we are God or that God can't make His presence known without people, but I think it is a part of that. That's why to be a Christian is more than just saying that we believe certain things and then make sure we don't do bad things anymore, but rather that we are implored to go and make disciples and care for those who need it.

In the end, I am saying that I will be okay through this process of creating the show. For one, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Two, I need more self-discipline. Three, I need to remember that God is always with me.

That all said, it would be that much nicer to have that person at my side who can gently remind me of those very things instead of the echo chambers of my own, stressed mind.

"So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day

And I start to complain that there's no rain

And all I can do is read a book to stay awake

And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape"

- "No Rain" from Blind Melon's self-titled album

Blazer Hacksworth

2011-02-02T00:48:00.000-06:00

I have been reading Patton Oswalt's book "Zombie Spaceship Wasteland" and I am really enjoying it. You can see that he has a fantastic grip on how to construct a book that is engaging, humorous, insightful and at moments very heartfelt. This is especially fantastic to see from a comedian such as Mr. Oswalt.

As far as I can tell, there are two main camps of comedians that exist. Both are insulated and distant from the audience, but in different ways. The more mainstream of the two is the one where the comedian tells jokes and has observations and they are distant from the audience in that the content itself is impersonal. The subject matter is more universal and not really introspective or reaching into what really matters to the performer. They could be clean or dirty comedians and they were the comedians that seem to dominate the comedy world. These guys would range from Jerry Seinfeld to Brian Regan to Demetri Martin.

However, the other kind is one that has found more of a presence in the internet age after being apart of the alternative comedy movement that slowly came up in the 90's. These are the guys that told more stories and expressed their opinions about society, culture and politics. These would include Bill Hicks, David Cross and Louis CK. They distance themselves from the audience not in their content but in their style. Their comedy is about ridiculing and deconstructing fallacies in their subject matter. They can come off as angry or bitter or opinated probably because they are. That maybe fine for the stage, but I would be intimidated to go talk to those three.

Arguably, they are much more related to the comedians that were huge in the 70's such as Bill Cosby, George Carlin and Richard Pryor who had a distinct point of view and personal history that they conveyed to the audience as opposed to a casual observation. In many regards, I believe the reason these individuals are considered legends is because of that honesty.

As a side note, Bill Cosby is probably one of the most prolific and popular with the masses because not only can you see him and his honesty, he is a fantastic and welcoming kind of storyteller. He paints you a picture of what it was kind of like to grow up in Philadelphia and there is a sense that you are now one of the guys that grew up with Bill, Old Weird Harold and Fat Albert.

However, as a general rule of thumb, the personal and opinionated style of comedy is not for everyone. It is hard to be around someone who is so negative. I know for myself, I can get like that. I get snarky and dismissive and I really have to watch myself to not fall into a well of cynicism. Look back at some of the posts of the past and it's like Thom Yorke's kid brother is trying his darndest to be melancholy and removed and trying to be a self-involved wiseass through sketches (Mr. Chapel).

I've gone on this quick rundown of how I see the comedy world to say why I appreciate the book. Patton is one of these guys that has an opinion and can get frustrated and it comes out in his subject matter and style. However, unlike Hicks, Cross and CK, you get the distinct feeling that he has hope. That he is trying to fight his cynicism. He even mentions it in his last album, "My Weakness is Strong" where says "I didn't realize until that point in my life how desperately I depend on negativity and cynicism just to communicate to the outside world." He comments how he needs to change his outlook because it's not good for his daughter to grow up around that. Even before this point, you can see that he would be fun to talk to (as long as you weren't an asshole yourself).

In "Zombie Spaceship Wasteland", I started seeing how I am like him. I'm not suggesting I am as funny as he or as talented (because his book is not really about his career or craft anyway) but rather you start to see a little bit past the veil that his style of comedy imposes. He doesn't have to end a chapter on a joke. There are a couple of times where he ends it on a note that seems to state something significant about him or about his view on things.

He shares memories of his youth and Dungeons and Dragons and his Uncle Pete. I could see the parallels. I have a hard time finding people that get it the same vein as me and to read this book is like finding a journal out in the wasteland. It may not save me, but I know that someone else also went through the same kind of thing.

One moment that stood out to me is the chapter where he summarizes his experience with certain kinds of comics that he toured with. One of them he names "Blazer Hacksworth" who as the name implies a bit of a hack. By the end of the chapter the character is no longer doing comedy himself. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to know when to back down and find something good outside of what I wish. I hope I can have the wisdom of Blazer. From the end of the chapter: "I looked out over the room. In the back, standing trim and happy in his sport-coat-over-T-shirt ensemble, Blazer smiled, lit by the blue light of the bar. The Tonight Show was forever gone, forever receded on his horizon. But he'd expanded his endpoint to take in every second of every day, and he'd honed his life down to pure reward."

"I don't want to hear from those who know

They can buy, but can't put on my clothes

I don't want to limp for them to walk

Never would have known of me before

I don't want to be held in your debt"

- "Corduroy" from the Peal Jam album "Vitalogy"

Some Star Wars in it? Screw That! We Need More Star Wars in it! And Lightsabers!

2011-01-24T21:52:00.001-06:00

I had a response back from one of my friends in regards to my last post where I referenced Star Wars. Although Star Wars was mentioned and was included in the title of the post, the post was not about Star Wars. I mentioned that I did not think that the new movies were good and hurt the series in general. However, my friend suggested that I looked at what those movies did right. Another friend commented that he would like to hear why I didn't like the new movies. So, for the sake of that along with the fact that the bulk of my posts for the last while are very whiny, angsty and generally emo, I figured one that I lay out a little bit of the other side of me which is the whiny, nerdy, and generally emo media commentator. Originally, the bulk of this post came from my response to the first friend on a Facebook message. He was stating some of the good things he saw in the films and my response to them. I will also expand upon my thoughts to include a wider scope of my thought on the films.

I am trying to be even handed in this response, admitting what was cool about it (which is minute in the face of the craptasticness of it all) and giving my reasons for why those cool aspects do not help and in fact, may just be one of the distractions that are hurting the films. I know I've harped on my other friends for what I felt was an unfair evaluation of Avatar, so I would hate to be hypocritical and simply ignore the aspects I did like. And here we go...

The diamonds you have mentioned are more in the design realm which unfortunately you can't prop up a series with. Were there cool things about the prequels, sure, but it was like George sat there and said "You know what would be awesome? A fight over lava! Yeah! How about a Sith with a double lightsaber! No, a guy that wields four lightsabers!" And in the process forgot what the point of having fleshed out characters was. Sure, maybe the writing in the old movies weren't super fantastic, but they had so much more quotable lines that came out of character's personality instead of mere conveying plot points.

It just seems like George was throwing together this whole thing haphazard in all the wrong ways. For instance, in the old movies, he had a thought out story that was consistent and logical and the problems that came up were because of the difficulty of the shooting with the technology. In a lot of regards, Lucas and Spielberg are better when they have to be creative with their film production and it forces them to truly think about the story they are telling. Unfortunately, Lucas now just has the ability of putting the first idea down into CGI without considering the potential flaws in the story. So when R2 gets stuck on one side of the factory and George has no idea how to get him over to the other side, he just goes "Oh, jet boosters! Bam!" even though there is no previous use of them (and there was time that would have totally helped to have jet boosters). In the old movies, technical problems forced Lucas to really buckle down and create a fantastic movie, but he didn't have to worry about those problems and so it was like he put out the first draft of his story and glammed it up with special effects.

It just seemed like for every good idea, it is surrounded by bad ideas.

For instance, I admit, the pod racing was awesome and was definitely one of the highlights of Episode 1, but the reason for the race was mired in a bizarro bet that made little sense for a part of a spaceship that could only be found at this tiny dealer that happened to be the first one they go to. In addition the apparently moral, wise Jedi is going around with a strange sense of morality that involves lying and cheating at which point, why doesn't he just steal the part if he's willing to go through this ridiculous plan. Yes, pod racing: awesome, but story-telling: butchered for the sake of some flashy CGI.

Slave I in action: awesome and fantastic, introduction of Boba Fett: painful.

Seeing wookiees: sweet. Seeing Death Star: alright? But I don't watch Star Wars to see references to old movies, I want to see those characters and things in action telling a story. It would be cooler to see the Death Star blow up something or threaten to instead of Darth Vader just sort of looking at it.

All this aside, to me, the biggest flaw of all is the characters. By far. Try to describe to me the characters of the prequels without mentioning what their job is and more than half of them would hold the quality "stoic". Think about it. Qui-Gon, Padme, Mace Windu, Chancellor Valorum, etc. The personality (and not the neat powers they have) of a character should be the primary distinction and that's what leads to interesting interactions with other characters.

The interactions aren't interesting. They are there simply to move the plot along. For instance, the interactions of Padme and Anakin in the second movie are pushed along awkwardly and seemed to be there simply because they have to eventually have Luke and Leia, so we need to go through the motions of boy meets girl ten years ago, boy for some reason still has an obsession with girl that he only interacted with for a total of two days (maybe?), boy says dark, creepy things to girl, girl is totally not listening to anything he says, girl falls for the least romantic lines talking about deserts and water and a floating pear, boy slays a whole tribe single-handedly with no reaction from girl, boy and girl marry, girl gets pregnant, *phew* we got this far, now it's ok that girl realizes boy is clearly evil, dies during childbirth.

By the way, has anyone noticed that you probably could have done away with the Phantom Menace and you are not missing any part of the story? You could've easily started the prequels with Anakin already the apprentice of Obi-Wan and have given the first movie to showing his good qualities and develop the love between him and Padme and then use the last two movies to show the fall of his character. But no, we have to have him as a little kid, doing little to advance his character and then realize that oh, crap we have to cram a terrible, romantic storyline and his complete transformation from being a good guy to embrace the dark side all in the same movie and then make that there is more space for a few more lightsabers.

I want to like the new movies. I like the idea of Star Wars being a story about Anakin fall and redemption, but it's not. It is two separate series. One was about the mythical hero's journey and the other is about how many lightsabers can we put on the screen. Three of them? Shut up, this is Star Wars, make the bad guy alone have four and maybe his tail can hold a fifth. What? He has no tail? You're fired!

However, you look at the old movies and they had characters that you learned about and were distinct and interesting. The great moments of the movies come from those events where the characters connected despite their differences. Leia pecking Luke on the cheek and wishing him luck. Luke confronting Han about sticking around to help the Alliance in their impossible fight on the Death Star. Han showing his courage and true compassion for his friend by heading out onto the snowy plain to find Luke despite the fact he was trying to save his own hide from those who hunted him. Luke impatience with Yoda on Dagobah and Yoda sensing that the boy isn't fit for the role of Jedi. Vader clearly holding back in his attempt to bring Luke to his side and revealing he is Luke's father and you can see it in the way the fight plays out. Leia finally realizing that she loves Han just before he is frozen. Vader's struggle with seeing his son being tortured by his master and realizing the error of his ways.

These character moments are not executed nearly as well in the new movies, because all the polish went to the design, the effects and as much crazy crap that can be cluttered onto the screen instead of the point of the films which is it's humanity.

I'm sorry, but I cannot concede the good points of the film without being reminded that those good points came at the expense of what made the old movies fantastic. Sure the old movies had problems and they show their age now, but they are still better movies than all the lightsabers in the world. It pains me to see these new ones are so majorly flawed and have hurt what used to be my favorite series of films. *Single tear*.

There's Entirely Too Much Star Wars in this Post

2011-01-21T07:13:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I am restless. I couldn't fall asleep. I didn't even have that tired feeling. It feels like I could stay up for another three hours before feeling sleepy. This whole day has been kind of a wash. I told myself that I would write a script for a video for the weekend and I couldn't bring myself to focus enough. I am scrapping one idea I had for another one that will be easier to execute. At the moment, I feel like I am having trouble keeping up with the work I need to finish. Ever since I came back, the writing has seemed to be much more difficult. That's not good news when I am needing to produce more than I have for the sake of the show I am putting together. I am feeling stressed about the matter.

The strange thing is, I don't know if I have been as spiritually disciplined as I have been in the last couple of weeks. I have been reading the Bible fairly frequently. And it's not that strained 1 chapter a day type of thing. I finished the last quarter of Ezekiel, the letters of John, James (a couple of times to get it prepped for my small group), and just today twelves chapters of Job. Prayer has become more apart of my life as I am trying to keep my motives and understanding in check. I have been trying to teach myself to pray when I have an issue that bothers me.

This is of particular importance right now because I know what I am like. I tend to be obsessive when I have something that fascinates me or interested. For instance, when I was younger, my friend Erik would watch the Star Wars movies and I never joined him because I figured I wouldn't enjoy them. However, at one point I gave in and watched them. I forget why. Perhaps it was after I was introduced to the card game based on it and I wanted to understand the game better. Hmm. Interesting. Anyways, I wound up liking the movies and my brain immediately began downloading any information about the Star Wars universe that I could. I even relented on my no-reading policy and read a three book series that followed Boba Fett (probably the most overrated character in Star Wars). I could name the pilots and their call signs for the entire X-wing squadron that attacked the Death Star. Etcetera, etcetera. Arguably, I knew more about the movies than Erik (although he may argue otherwise however I now realize that there is no winner in that argument).

I don't know how I feel about that last paragraph. I mean, clearly it's a great example of what I want to communicate, but my Star Wars phase is definitely something I am self-conscious about. Especially since the prequel movies marred what was once a fantastic series. I could explain why, but that is off-topic and would be merely a source of regret for me to write and for you to read.

Anyway, right now, I have that thing that I want to go and immerse my time and knowledge in, but I am trying to give myself some self-control. I am specifically trying to hold myself back so that way I don't wind up with priorities out of whack. I am here to serve the church and the people. I am trying to keep God as the priority, especially since I feel like the church has been missing the point for a long time and I want to call them back.

Prayer has been good at keeping my priorities straight and why I have tried to be more conscious of doing it.

I have come to really appreciate the values and the conversations I have had with Arden and Chris. I am finding that I am not alone in my desire to see extremism to be taken out of the church but rather put the focus back on the core of what is important.

In most ways, things are good. But I see now, after writing this exactly why I can't sleep. I am distracted. And because I am distracted, I have a hard time focusing. That's why I can't write. That's why I feel stressed. The struggle with the desires of the heart continue.

Lord have mercy.

"Drove downtown in the rain
9:30 on a Tuesday night
Just to check out the late night record shop.
Call it impulsive,
Call it compulsive,
Call it insane.
When I'm surrounded, I just can't stop.
It's a matter of instinct,
It's a matter of conditioning,
A matter of fact."
- "Brian Wilson" from the Barenaked Ladies' album "Gordon"

Born to Run

2011-01-01T15:08:00.000-06:00

Last night was Aaron Hildebrandt's New Year's/Birthday Extravaganza. It was the major event that inspired this trip home in many regards. Although this year, I don't think extravaganza really is the right descriptor. It was more like a 'get-together'. We still played a few games, still had snacks, but it was quieter. Many of the regulars from years past were not there because circumstances were changed. People were with new friends or their spouses or meeting the family and friends of their significant others. Aaron's plan was also oriented to have a smaller crowd because of the place where many were. It was still fun and it was still great to see everyone who was there but when I left, it hit me that this may be one of the last times we do this. I can't expect for the Hildebrandts to come all the way back to Manitoba from Vancouver every year. It was interesting to notice the change in their attitude and feeling of Vancouver. The phrase "We're looking forward to going back home" in relation to Vancouver as opposed to last year's, "It's good to be home."

Brad followed-up with the comment to the effect, "Yeah, it's nice to come back to the country for a few days but that's about it. There's not that same connection."

The lives of these friends of mine (along with myself) have been changing, but this is the first time it seems to have sunken in for people and it reflects in their approach.

Since returning to Winnipeg, there were certain ideas that many were talking about. Buying houses and having kids and getting married. Most of my peers are looking at one of those three currently with a few exceptions who are like me in the sense that they living life more according to what I have previously called the Adventure life path. People who looking to explore and do something different. (If you want to read about these life paths, you will find it here, and also another here). I think for me, as I have recently attached myself heavily to this path, I am reminded that it is probably the most foreign to people. Most people want families and careers and homes. And although I am in the middle of the tension between that and being free to go off and doing what I am really good at, I have realized that many people see the Adventurer as more of a reckless gambler. It may be admirable to go and do what you want, but at the same time it is viewed as just messing around.

One conversation that I found to be a blessing was a chance meeting with Sarah Pascoe. I would not say we were ever friends, but when I see a fellow Providence alum, I go and say 'hello'. It was in a random Starbucks and we had one of those pleasant conversations of what we were doing and after the fifteen minutes, it was the most I had ever talked to her previously and was the first time I even knew anything about her aside from who she hung out with. Anyways, I found out that she is getting ready to go with her husband down to Haiti to run an orphanage and I found a sort of kinship as we talked about the pressure of the culture to settle down and the perceived daftness to go and put yourself on the line.

I think the difference in coming back was how my friends' lives are diverging and that my familiar life that I had is now past. Winnipeg, although a home of sorts by the nature of history, is quickly moving towards a memory. It's funny how quick that came about.

This trip has also highlighted my pull towards to keep moving. I am already starting to feel a fidgetiness in Nelson. I am busy. Things are good. People are great. But I don't want to get too attached. I want to impact lives, but I just want to keep moving. I don't know when I will get to the whole settle down part. I always thought I was going to be one who did, but I'm not so sure anymore.

"Together we could break this trap

We'll run 'til we drop, baby, we'll never go back

Will you walk with me out on the wire

'Cause baby, I'm just a scared and lonely rider

But I gotta find out how it feels

I want to know if love is wild, girl, I want to know if love is real."

- Title track from Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run"

Sorry, I Didn't Mean to Oppress Everyone

2010-12-21T17:55:00.000-06:00

Some of the world's problems are out of my hands and yet I have to deal with them and I don't know how. On CBC radio (I must be turning into a communist), there was a mention about the idea of how marketing gears their advertising to 18-24 year old males and how actresses 40 years plus are often left out of many scripts and movies. In addition, others were mentioning how there is a severe lack of women as directors and thus a sign of men trying to keep it a boys-only club.

It always bothers me to hear that because it then starts to feel like because of people like me, society is being held back from becoming a fair and equal society. That if I become a successful comedian or writer, then I am a part of problem of keeping women suppressed. That if I become a manager of a store, then I was chosen because I am a white man and not because of what I can do and thus I should step aside and let a woman of equal ability take the job.

What am I supposed to do aside from feel bad about who I was born as?

Even when it comes to writing sketches, I am writing sketches for myself so that I can do what I want to do. I am not writing sketches for other people to perform. They are for me.

As I consider writing a story of any sort, generally the main character is going to be a reflection of myself. Maybe it's a lack of experience or ability that I don't write female characters as the protagonists but it's because I feel like I would do an injustice to the female persona if I did. I wouldn't know how to write for a 40 year old woman lead character. It's frustrating for us both, Helen Mirren. Should I then step aside so someone can write a script for her?

When I'm writing my sketches and there is the main funny character, generally it is going to be the guy that I write as the moron and if I have a girl, she will be the level-headed character. Sure, she may point out the stupidity of the other character and have some funny lines, but generally it's the character who is a vehicle for the fall guy to say his stupid ideas at and is not the "star" of the sketch. She will be the boring character and people could point to that as me making sure the guy is getting the better part.

However, if I were to reverse it and make the guy the level-headed one and the girl the fall ...girl, then I could be accused of perpetuating the stereotype that men are better suited to be above women.

It feels like I can not win in any situation.

Some times Will Ferrel and company are accused of being that boys-club mentality where all the main funny roles go to the guys and they gear it for guys and keep women from breaking into comedy. It's been my experience that girls don't find his movies as funny as guys and maybe women are just not drawn to that type of humor as much for whatever reason. It would then make sense that there are not as many actresses that would break into that style. Plus the writers are writing with Will in mind as the main character and if there's a love interest, that is where the female lead comes in. It might be cliched, but a romantic angle is usually a major component to stories of all stripes.

I could keep going on this, but I suppose the point I am getting at is that it grieves me that women feel like they are being excluded from various things, but I don't know what I am supposed to do about that aside from feeling guilty for being who I was born as and saying "Yeah, we men suck and we should all be killed off so that humanity can advance."

"There is unrest in the forest,

There is trouble with the trees,

For the maples want more sunlight

And the oaks ignore their pleas.

The trouble with the maples

(And they're quite convinced they're right)

They say the oaks are just too lofty

And they grab up all the light.

But the oaks can't help their feelings

If they like the way they're made.

And they wonder why the maples

Can't be happy in their shade.

There is trouble in the forest,

And the creatures all have fled,

As the maples scream, 'Oppression!'

And the oaks just shake their heads

So the maples formed a union

And demanded equal rights.

'The oaks are just too greedy;

We will make them give us light.'

Now, there's no more oak oppression,

For they passed a noble law,

And the trees are all kept equal

By hatchet, axe and saw."

- "The Trees" from the Rush album "Hemispheres"

Been There, Don't Do That

2010-12-20T03:54:00.000-06:00

This week was a strange week. It has been one of looking back into the dark territory. For the first time in a very long time, I did a dramatic presentation as opposed to a comedic one. It was about a man who you discover through the course of the one-person scene is divorced, has a kid and is trying to make Christmas for himself and having a difficult time with it. He struggles with loneliness during the time of the year that emphasizes family. Of course, the sketch was about a divorced parent, but anybody who has read my blog for a long time would realize that it's not about a divorced parent.

For me, it was really displaying myself up there without ever saying it. It was a hard reminder of elements of my past, but the positive thing was that it was difficult to summon. I don't feel the same as I did. Hopefully, that's a sign of peace in my soul and not a sign of a callousness.

Nonetheless, I have found it draining to go through that sketch and I felt tired after both performances. Way more than I ever did yelling at the top of my lungs as Stan Ostrowski. It was like my inner self was tired.

Mind you, this comes at the end of a long week, emotionally speaking. I have been approached for advice, support, and discussion for some people and it was hard stuff that life just deals and it seems unfair or painful to deal with. Due to my age of being a little bit older and due to my experience, I feel I have given an important perspective for those in the midst of a replay of my own story. I frequently draw from own life to paint illustrations and examples and that means I have to talk about things that dredge up my past. Some times I have to say something harsh, sometimes I have to just admit that it sucks, sometimes I have to say something that comforts, and all the while, my heart aches with them. I don't regret and will not regret helping at all, but it does wear after a while.

Unlike previous posts, I don't know what my conclusion is on this. What lesson I am gleaning or prayer that I have in it. I suppose it is good that I am there to listen and give words of encouragement, comfort, challenge and direction. I suppose that it is good that I have learned from my past. I suppose that it is good that I have moved from that place. I guess I would just rather the past stay in the past.

"How to keep people at arms length and never get too close

How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most

How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone

How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps

A course of a lifetime you'll never forget"

- "Eight Easy Steps" from Alanis Morissette's "So-Called Chaos"

Although It Doesn't Have Much to Do With This Post, Joel Olsteen is Still a Liar

2010-12-08T00:39:00.000-06:00

I am not sure of what to make of this past week. It feels like a lot has happened. A lot of significant conversations that feel like they are part of a narrative of some sort. It's been kind of difficult navigating them and trying to be objective. I would like to think that I have learned from my past and am becoming a stronger person.

I have learned and I have changed. I have tried to make wise choices and make the hard choices because if I preach that is what people should do, then that should also include me. So that's what I did and it hurts to accept choices that are done in the name of being honest and upfront. I don't regret it, because I needed to do it.

It's hard to tell a person something that they don't want to admit, it's hard to tell a person to do something they don't want to do and it's hard to be the person that has to be upfront when you don't want to be.

I should point out that things are good. It's just that sometimes things are hard.

Joel Olsteen would tell you that you don't have to face suffering through broken bodies, broken relationships, broken finances and pain and that is what makes him a liar. Jesus faced times when he had to say the difficult thing and do the difficult thing because sometimes things are just difficult. Fortunately, peace is found in knowing that when we do what is right and honourable, we are living as we should. We can have joy knowing that the troubles we face here are not forever, but rather it refines our character, an eternal concept.

Hopefully, that can sink in and I can be content.

"In the days of my youth, I was told what it means to be a man,

Now, I've reached that age, I've tried to do all those things the best I can.

No matter how I try, I find my way into the same old jam."

- "Good Times, Bad Times" from the Led Zepplin self-titled album

R.I.P. Rest in Peace

2010-11-30T15:59:00.002-06:00

With the passing of Leslie Neilson two days ago, it reminds of something that I always want to point out but seems inappropriate to mention. Whenever someone dies, it is still rather popular to use "R.I.P." in regards to them. I find that using an acronym when sending a condolence or honouring the one who has passed is kind of terrible. It says to me, "I can't be bothered to write out the full phrase. I have more important things to do."

It takes all the respect out of giving your respect. It trivializes the statement to the same level as "lol" and "ftw" and "fml". I guess some people still throw in the periods between the letters which takes a complicated two button press to execute (and you have to do it a full three times!).

It is even more pronounced when people use the "R.I.P." for comedic purposes. You know something like, "I just threw up in front of a pretty girl, R.I.P. My Dignity." I'm not against "R.I.P." used in that way, but it also highlights that we also used this terrible shorthand for something we try to honour.

Of course, some people might point out that "R.I.P." has been apart of society for a long time and they'd be correct. However, the use comes out from idea to save space on a tombstone or save money or both. Especially since "R.I.P." was originally from the Latin "Reqiescat in Pace" (which is still "Rest in Peace") and that takes way more space. However, we have no reason to shorten the phrase on our Facebook walls or Twitter posts (although I guess there is better argument for that last one).

If the Undertaker had ended his promos with "May you R...I...P..." it would not have the same gravitas.

Why does this matter to you? Two reasons. One, if you are sincere with wanting to honour the dead, it seems to me that typing out the full phrase much more respectful than putting it on the same level as a text message. Second, if I die and I find out that you have written "R.I.P. David Rae" I will forsake my place in heaven and come back to haunt you until the day you die and then when you enter the spiritual realm, I will kick you in the nuts.

P.S. I should point out that I realize that people are going to see this and this will be just like how I don't like puns. When people find that out, they go out of their way to tell me about the brilliant little pun on some roadside sign somewhere. So, when I die, it will be "R.I.P. David Rae" everywhere but they will regret that when I start tipping over their drinks into their Xbox 360s from beyond the grave.

The Christmas Plan

2010-11-25T23:13:00.002-06:00

For a lot of people, Christmas has not really tracked on their radar yet. For me, it almost feels like old news. While the church was just beginning to put up decorations today, I've finished the first video for Advent and have most of the scripts worked out for the Christmas season. I still need to hand out some scripts and have them practiced but nonetheless, I feel pretty prepared for the season. I've bought a present for my mom and I just need to find one for my brother and then I'm done. I've been thinking about Christmas and what it is, what it means, what people think about it, how people treat it, and what do I think about it.

It's got me back to my familiar battle of Christmas. What am I going to do? I don't really want to be here for Christmas (no offense to my host family) but it is like when I go to other people's places for Christmas dinner. I would rather disappear for the day and reflect on what it means that Christ came into the world than go through the dinner with another's family. I get it that Christmas doesn't have to involve family to take in Christmas on a spiritual level, but the cultural connotation that emphasizes family at this time is there and it continually reminds me of my dissatisfaction with the state of mine while I am with another family. The thing is, I would be fine just pulling away for the one day and let everyone else do their family thing, whether it's good or bad, or whether others are in the same boat as me and lack a family element in their Christmas. The thing is that I am not living in an apartment but rather in somebody else's home. Which is fine. Their daughter comes over all the time and that family element is there and that's ok. I just don't want to be here for their Christmas.

I saw a post on my Facebook wall talking about how strange it was to play Rock Band and not have me there. I immediately wished I was there. Up until now, I was debating whether it would be worth it to go back to Winnipeg for Christmas due to the money and crazy time of year for travel. I realized that I really do want to go back. For several reasons. All of them people. Now, I'm not saying that I am wanting to pack up and leave Nelson, but I need to make those connections again. I mean, aside from the month span in September, I have been away from the city since May.

Also, I realized that I do have two traditions at Christmas time. One is the Anderson Family Christmas Dinner. It is one that I have mixed feelings about with the whole other family thing going on. I mean, I always have a fantastic time and don't ever regret going, great food, wonderful people, etcetera, etcetera, but I guess I would rather have something with my own family.

The other one being the Aaron Hildebrandt New Year's/Birthday Extravaganza. I have gone for the last few years and there is something about that tradition that I like. I would never say that the folk that go there are my family and that I super close with all of them, because I'm not. Maybe its the tradition of the things. The reliability of it. The fact that there are some people there that I would consider almost on the level of brother and sister.

So I booked my flight. I told Aaron that I am inviting myself to his party. He was fine with that.

And to solve the problem of Christmas, I booked the flight on Christmas day. I will have to leave before anything starts here and arrive after anything that happens there. I will get to spend my time with people that I want to and their family stuff will be done.

Also I will get to rightfully claim my position as the singer at Rock Band. I've been going to karaoke for the last several weeks, so I'm on top of my game. I'm ready.

Plus, I will get to add a whole bunch of check ins for my 'foursquare' account! That "JetSetter" badge will be mine!

"I'm going home to Manitoba

Skies get wide

The river is free

I'm going home to Manitoba

Going to put my weary heart at ease"

- "Home to Manitoba" from Del Barber's "Love Songs for the Last 20"

Ba-leted!

2010-11-20T04:01:00.000-06:00

For those who don't know I was referencing Strong Bad from Homestarrunner.com. It sort of fits because I have just finished deleting my email account from the same era of my life that I used to consistently visit that site.

You see, my rationalized reasoning for keeping the account was twofold. One was in case I needed to put down an email address so that way I could get some free bonus from a store, I would use the old email address instead of my current Gmail account. The second was that the account had some emails on there that I kept for memory's sake.

Unfortunately, the email has been compromised and I had to shut it down. Technically, I am pretty sure it has been for a while, but I didn't really want to delete it. I didn't want to lose all those emails. It is sort of like that hoarder mentality. I don't know why I would need to use those emails again, but I figured I should hold onto them. So I kept the account.

However, my friend Aaron noted that he had received a spam email from the old account and suggested I delete it. So I went searching for the elusive deletion button and eventually found it. As my arrow hung dramatically over the "delete forever and ever" button, I stopped and pulled up some of the emails that I had saved for the past ten years.

I had a folder for a series of emails I had exchanged with my friend, Erik, that I did in regards to a CBC class called "Communicating Faith". The emails emulated the book called "Letters from a Skeptic"where I essentially got Erik to tell me his reasons for not believing in God and then I would try to offer my perspective using my new found Bible school knowledge. I didn't convert him. I didn't really expect to, even though I remember it always being a hope of mine.

I had emails from a girl from high school with whom I tried to, how do I say, rescue? She was a troubled girl and was desperately looking for acceptance. I remember trying to be there for her, but ultimately she pulled away. I don't know where she is or how she is doing. I still remember the last time I talked to her in person, it was a year after high school and I met her randomly in the Brandon mall. My heart broke as I wished I could help her out. I tried to convince her to stay in contact, but I never did... Every damn time I think of her, I get sick with a deep sorrow. I wish so badly to find her or at the very bloody least, know that she is ok. That she found her peace. Damn.

I had a folder dedicated to the many emails from other CBCers with whom we tried to keep in contact with for a little while. Eventually, all of them I let slip away over time. I remember one of the last lessons taught there was that everyone has two kinds of friends. There are the friends that you have for life and ones you have for a portion. Both are needed and can impact us, but the reality is, not everybody can be friends with everyone they meet for all time. It gives us a certain appreciation for people while we have them and to try and make the most of our relationships. It wasn't until Facebook came along that I connected back to many of them, but most in that very surface Facebook way. However, I am fine with that. I get glimpses into their lives and that's fine for me.

I had an email from one of the girl counsellors from my time on the CBC Team (which I would join it's later incarnation called the "Camp Ministry Team") with whom I made a connection. It was this innocent kind of thing. I remember holding hands with her on one of the last nights that I was there. We connected pretty well, but we never seriously pursued anything because of the age-old problem of distance (especially since I had been severely hurt by a previous long distance relationship). However, once I went to Providence and started dating another girl, I thought I had to tell my summer crush that I should maybe keep my distance. I remember I was trying to be honorable in my relationship to my girlfriend (which wound up breaking up after a month). It was funny (now in a kind of melancholy way) that I went ahead and did that and my girlfriend was like "you didn't need to do that". I unnecessarily burned that bridge. Once in a while, I think about that time. That girl was one of the few that actually showed interest in me that I had interest in back. How stupid was I.

And of course, there was the folder of emails from the girl with whom I had that long distance relationship that has forever scared me away from the idea. The girl from South Dakota. Man, was I earnest in those days. I wanted to talk to her all the time. Buying calling cards. Going to her prom. Eventually, she stopped taking my calls and rarely returning emails and to me it seemed for no reason that I could think. It just came to an end one day. I think what killed me for the longest time was that there was no explanation and so I put it on myself. It had to have been me. That I creeped her out or I had said something wrong or that she just realized that I was unsuitable. It significantly impacted how I treated future relationships and how I viewed myself. In fact, I don't know if I've even fully shaken it. I should say that she has since found me on Facebook and I was finally given the closure I needed.

As you can see, not really too much happy stuff in there. But I didn't want to forget it. I didn't want to lose it for what ever reason even though it was essentially pain that it stored. Perhaps suitably, it was infected with a virus that and made the account something that needed to be dealt with and ousted. I suppose the real reason that I never could just rid myself of it was because it was a record of my relationships that had formed me. And I guess the other reason was I always wanted to keep that email open in case Noemi would send me a message and I could finally rescue her.

It's closed now and I hope that I can remember the lessons from the past and move forward.

And I pray for God look over Noemi, because I don't know if anyone else is.

"Take leave the conscious mind
Found myself to be so inclined
Why sleep in discontent?
Oh, the price of companionship
My shadow runs with me underneath the big wide sun
My shadow comes with me as we leave it all far behind"
- "Far Behind" by Eddie Vedder from the Into the Wild soundtrack

Settled

2010-11-08T22:30:00.000-06:00

Last night, the church had a thanksgiving type dinner which I am completely aware is not really near either the Canadian nor the American holiday, but I think that was the point. Anyway, it was a lot of fun and the exciting part was that they gave me a space of time to do some comedy. Whatever I wanted. It was great because I didn't even ask for it. It was requested of me and that is always much more appreciated.

It was going to be only the third time that I have performed something live for the church and the first two times were for the youth. This was for both the Saturday night and the Sunday morning congregations. I felt that this was really going to be the test for me. I have done a few videos now, but I would only consider one of them truly indicative of my typical comedy and that is the David Interviews David video. The others have been my Lost parody called Misplaced which is a different kind of animal. That is because since I was doing a parody, I try to make it such that it can be understood by those unfamiliar with the source, but at the same time sticking with the broad concept presented in the source. That means that the humor is slightly different and since I was trying to really incorporate the mysterious element of Lost into the videos, I wanted to make sure that the conversations between the characters to be straight forward so that the bulk of the audience can at least derive some semblance of a point.

I say all that to basically point out that Misplaced is not typical and if it doesn't go over, that's ok. However, this is me on stage doing stand up a la the Early Night Show. There is no genre that filters my presentation, it is what I think is funny and since their is no filter, it also means that I am exposing myself. If it goes well, then I feel safe. If it flops due to content, then I know that it is done.

That's where the good news comes in. It went very well in my eyes. Every joke got at least a little reaction and I felt the positive energy of the crowd. It gives me a vote of confidence to the point where when people ask me, "Are you settled into Nelson, yet?" I say, "Yes."

"And I think I like how the day sounds
Like how the day sounds through this new song
Thank you for opening the window
The sky is clear as my mind is now
I was a long, long way off
Join me in welcoming the sun in
It's much brighter than the night I hid in
I was a long, long way off"
- "How the Day Sounds" from the Greg Laswell album "Three Flights From Alto Nido"

Broken, Not Defective

2010-10-31T03:28:00.000-05:00

I don't it's too much of a secret that the Christian church views humanity as broken, which I agree. In Romans, it says "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (3:23) and goes on the speak about the redemption that comes from Jesus Christ and it was by grace that we are forgiven. Awesome. Completely onboard. Everyone can admit that we don't always live up to the standard of perfection of always loving other people and God. It is an inevitability that we will be selfish because there is a lot of time in our lifetimes where we can screw up.

I will also concede that even once you are a Christian and you are gung ho for being a better disciple, it is not necessarily easier to live a life of righteousness and generousity. We still have desires in our heart that lead us to make serve ourselves and will continue to have until the very day we die and we are likely to screw many times before that time comes.

However, I also hear a lot of talk that also makes it seem like humanity is incapable of being good. It is like it is in fashion for a Christian to have a heaping dose of self hatred and poor self image. That we are so flawed that anything good we do accomplish is clearly only because of the grace of God. I have even heard from a few people that wouldn't be able to love anybody without God. Really? You would not be able to love anybody?

Now, when I respond so incredulously like I just did, Christians will concede that "well, ok, I could love a little bit, but I couldn't keep it up and love everybody or for a long time". I sometimes wonder if perhaps we think that the standard is actually way higher than it really is. I don't love everybody in the world. It would be ludicrous for me to say that I do. I haven't met over six billion of them. I don't think God even expects us to because that is way beyond our capability. That's where I think some people think that we are broken and are sinful because we don't "love everybody".

I think that we are to love those who are our neighbour. Those that we have contact with and where we can impact people. Just because I don't send a care package to every one of the six billion people out there or pray for each one individually it doesn't mean that is why we "have fallen short of the glory of God".

I also believe that people are fully capable of loving others and I think that many do even without "Jesus being in their heart". Why? Because we may be broken, but we are not defective. I am aware that I may be arguing semantics, but what I am getting at is that there is a common thread in a lot of Christian thought that says that we are essentially fleshy garbage and that we can not do any good unless it is God working through us.

What happens because of this thought I think is that we start punishing and belittling ourselves for being garbage because of our transgressions and we actually don't move on. We cry to Jesus to forgive us, but we aren't willing to embrace that idea that we can be different and be people who love and live lives that are good. God has forgiven us, but we refuse to forgive ourselves. Paul even writes that when we follow Christ, our old selves died on the cross with Him, but in the same way, we are resurrected with Him. He gives second life and it is one that we share with Him. We are able to shake free of the burden of the law and always being worried about always having to give sacrifices, but rather focusing on becoming more what God wants us to be which is to love God, love others and transform lives. We recognize that we may still screw up, but let's not dwell on that. Let's just keep pushing forward and trying to become better. Trying to become this sort of heroic persona of ourselves.

We are not garbage. We are people that are selfish and hurt others and we get off track. We are also people who can love and be good and God wants us to move past those mistakes and become perfect even to the point of forgiving us at all costs as long as we are willing to change and follow the way of life Jesus exemplified and preached. Making Jesus our Lord.

The good news about this is that God doesn't actually think you are defective and terrible. The good news is that He wants us to succeed and be righteous or in other words perfect, willing to look past our mistakes through forgiveness given to us by Christ. That He wants to save us from ourselves that would lead us to the destruction of our eternal selves.

The hard part of this versus this traditional idea from the church that we are scumbags and that God should just wipe us out but for some inexplicable reason is willing to forgive us, is that because we are fully capable of being these heroic personas, we are obligated to strive to become that. It is not some magic prayer that lets us in, but actually us changing our attitudes and behaviors to be more outward focussed.

It seems like when we have this idea that we are scumbags, then it is somehow okay to continue on hurting others or ourselves or God because we are so dependent on grace anyways, that it's just all kind of a wash. That as long as we are perpetually groveling to God then we'll make it into heaven okay. If God believes that we are scumbags and are completely incapable of being able to live good lives, then all He is doing is redeeming garbage.

However, He knows us. He knows that we are able to live lives that are generous, benevolent, sacrificial and honorable lives and that we just need to turn away from ourselves and follow Him, then He is redeeming heroes who don't realize that they could be heroes.

I am absolutely tired of Christians hating themselves and others simply because we are human. We make kids believe that they are entrenched with evil and need to ask for mercy. This attitude is what I believe keeps people from Jesus and the church. This attitude makes people weak and afraid to stand up and become the people Jesus actually calls us to be. To be human is to struggle, but to be human also means to have potential.

It hurts so much because I know that a life that follows Christ is about becoming better people, not about how we're evil. Jesus came to break those chains that we seem to want to continue to carry. But people will refuse. They will continue to hate themselves in spite of the fact Jesus loves them.

"He floated back down 'cause he wanted to share

His key to the locks on the chains he saw everywhere

But first he was stripped and then he was stabbed

By faceless men, well, fuckers

He still stands

And he still gives his love, he just gives it away

The love he receives is the love that is saved

And sometimes is seen a strange spot in the sky

A human being that was given to fly"

- "Given to Fly" from the Pearl Jam album "Yield"

Theoretical Life

2010-10-28T21:34:00.000-05:00

It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted and that's because I've been busy. Sort of. That's the excuse I'm going with. I have been given a variety of projects to work on and it will definitely take up my time which is good. I've felt like I have just been passing time reading "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" and watching Chronologically Lost since I got here and now that the pastors are back, I have direction and am doing stuff.

My first video that I made to introduce myself to the congregation went over fairly well and I've been validated enough to know that at least some people appreciate it and get it. Which is a relief. This weekend I get to show the first of my videos that I shot with some of the youth from the church and I am super excited to see how it goes. It was one of the longest days of shooting I have ever done and it was good to see that my performers were with me the whole way. Mind you, they got to throw tomato juice at each other, so that probably helped them keep their attention. Curious? You'll have to wait. It consists of four videos that go along with the idea of God's will. Anyway, I'll talk more about the videos when I post them.

However, it also means I am a bit ahead of the curve. I have another youth worship night in less than a week that I have to get a monologue ready for and then I am essentially waiting for Advent. Advent, for those who are unaware, is the period of time in the church calender where you are waiting for the arrival of Christ (aka Christmas). So, I am basically waiting to wait. Actually, I have a lot to get ready for Christmas time with several sketches for the Sundays leading up to Christmas as well as for a couple of special events. If I have it right, it's about nine or ten sketches and/or videos I have to get ready. Which is a lot to present in a month.

The thing I have been debating is whether or not I should have a show for the end of November. I was originally thinking that I would, but if I did start working on something, then that may put me behind the ball on the Christmas stuff. I'll have to get on that as soon as possible if I want it to happen.

That's my ministry life right there and it's the thing that consumes my time. Working in a ministry as a major part of your life, such as the Camp Ministry Team or the Mr. Chapel tour is always a little strange because you spend so much of your day reflecting on things that you believe and your walk with God and theology and humanity and all that kind of heady stuff which is something that I already do quite a bit of on my own free time anyway, that it can kind of turns into this feeling of like you are detached from the rest of the world. I don't think it's unique to ministry, because it probably is common in the various creative fields or fields that involve philosophy or other high-minded careers. This is of course because unlike a trade or retail or other jobs, you leave your work at work. Meanwhile, I feels like I always am or always should be thinking about these ideas.

I don't know how common it is for other people to think a lot about their place in their world or reflect on their lives, but I do a lot. I mean, that's one of the reasons for this blog. I have noticed that this blog revolves around my thoughts and less to do with concrete events in my life. Usually, it's an anecdote that then lead me to think about something deeper. For instance, if I buy a pickle sandwich, I will go off into my little world and think about stuff like "what if I am like this pickle sandwich? Just waiting to be ordered and eaten?" instead of asking myself, "Why the heck are you ordering a pickle sandwich?" In other words, I am already way too wrapped up in my thoughts and mortality and garbage like that, that to now also have my job to continue thinking about that kind of stuff makes me think, "Maybe I need to get a life". By that, I mean, go and be with people and make sure I am grounded in reality and not so consumed with the theory of life that I miss the living of life.

Oh well. Maybe I just feel that way because I am still getting to know people and trying to make friends here. Maybe it's the change of the relationships I have that have become more distant and have a lot more free time than I'm used to. Either way, I should say that this is a relatively minor thing. I feel so blessed to do something that I really like to do and that's to entertain people and make them laugh.

Blessed be the name of the Lord. (Oh no. I'm being assimilated.)

"The Blacksmith and The Artist
Reflect it in their art
They forge their creativity
Closer to the heart"
- "Closer to the Heart" from the Rush album "A Farewell to Kings"

Playing Pretend

2010-10-16T02:53:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday, it was "International Suit Up Day". It came from Facebook, so I knew it was a legitimate holiday. Of course, any excuse for me wearing a suit is good enough and so I did my business that day in my suit. I felt very official and purposeful as I walked around in it. I felt it created a nice illusion of importance and direction.

It kind of did not work though when I headed to the local bank to set up an account. As I proceeded into the office and sat down with the lady (I don't know the official name of an account setter-upper) I realized how uncomfortable I was. I was fidgeting and moving around trying to find the proper sitting position so that way I looked comfortable and was clearly a man who was in control. Instead I felt more like a little kid who borrowed a suit that belonged to his dad and it was way too big for him. It was like I was playing pretend. Which I guess I was.

When I went to youth group that night (still in the suit) people often assumed that I must have had an important interview earlier that day. Nope. No, I didn't. I was just wearing a suit. I was faking. I helped out another fellow with the junior high boys group. In a lot of ways, it was like I playing pretend in there too. The guys were just excited to be there hanging out with their friends and not at all interested about discussing deeper matters. I can completely understand. A typical junior high boy who is put in the same room as their friends, they are there to mess around. There's no focus except for the focus on trying to find something to laugh at. Questions asked were given enough attention so to start a sentence before something hilarious was found to laugh at. It was hard. I didn't want to be there for an hour and a half and hammer through all the theological questions they may have had and explore the great struggle that is faith. However I didn't want to be there for an hour and a half and not be able to get any reflection. Yet, I couldn't resolve that then. I needed more time to be able to accommodate teaching to their headspace. I wasn't leading, but I was trying to help. I was a little frustrated because at least at that point, I had and have no idea how to be able to bring these guys to a place of reflection without making it seem like I am trying to punish them for being excited and wanting to mess around with their friends.

I kind of felt like I was just wearing a suit.

Last night, I wanted to try and take in some of the art scene of Nelson and went to a show at the Royal where Jen Lane was playing. I was amazed at the quality of sound from a bar stage. Usually, I expect for the mix to be off and sound "live", but somehow it sounded like album quality and you could appreciate the disciplined nuances to her voice. I can not really describe what I mean by that, but just know it sounded good. Anyway, as I was sitting there by myself taking in the show, I figured I needed to start reaching out to some of the people here in the town. I walked over to another table with a lone guy and introduced myself. We had a quick chat before the final set and after the show continued in our discussion. We talked about why I believed in Christianity, what does it mean to follow Jesus, Buddhist teachings, and pursuing a better life. An hour and a half past and I found myself outside the bar at 2:30am and realized I wanted to sleep. I also realized how far away I am in my spiritual perspective from the relativistic and universalist drug culture of this place. By the way, I know that not everyone is like that here and also that people like that exist back in Manitoba, but I was thinking how it was almost like I here talking to a people of a foreign culture to mine and that I am trying to connect to something I can't fully understand. Like I was just wearing a suit.

I am not as social as people assume I am especially in this place even though there are many people my age here. It feels like there is a lot of expectation from the people here and from myself that I am going to be the all-star here and as I'm facing it down, I am starting to get that feeling in my gut that I haven't felt since the early days of doing plays in high school. I have this nervous excitement that knows that this could be awesome and I could do big things and have the confidence that I have the ability to do it, but also have the lingering anxiety of how it could all fall apart if I forget a line.

I think if I can learn something from my many years of performing and perhaps I can take comfort in, is that I am really good at faking knowing what I am doing up there. All I need to do is find a way to look comfortable wearing my suit.

"All in the suit that you wear

When you're looking for something

It's in the suit that you wear

When you're hiding from someone

All in the suit that you wear

When you wear it

Hey you, you keep a-walking the razor

On the edge, you cut your feet when you stand in there

In the meantime, there's always someone to set you free

Hey you, will you ever get out of there?"

- "All in the Suit that You Wear" from the Stone Temple Pilot album "Thank You"

The Other David Rae

2010-10-09T18:40:00.000-05:00

I have a doppleganger. His name is David Rae, he lives in Oregon, is involved with his fraternity and seems to have quite a few friends that love hanging out with him. How do I know so much about him? Because I frequently receive his email that gets mistakenly sent to my account. It's because there is a difference of one letter in our email address. It's a bit amusing because I'll receive an email from someone that I don't know and as I read it I realize this has nothing to do with me, I scroll to the end and find out that the person originates from the west coast which gives me relief that I don't have to put together some major event that I had completely forgotten about and I promptly forward it to the correct (and by the sounds of it more successful) version of David Rae.

Anyways, I recently received congratulations for my wedding. I mean his wedding. It was in the last few weeks and as I sent it off to him, I added my own greeting to it.

It's kind of fun to have these quick snapshots of another guy with my name. I don't try to snoop or anything, it's just that I have read numerous first paragraphs of his emails.

I was thinking about that a bit today as the girl I dated just under a year ago is getting married today. In fact, as I write this, she's probably at her reception or something. It's strange to think that I could have been married today and that those congratulatory emails would have been address to me and not the Other David Rae.

I know that it most likely would not have worked out with her (because she never could pick up on my apparently hard to follow sarcasm) but none the less I can tell you that I would not be sitting in my sweet Batcave-like office in Nelson writing scripts and books and doing something completely different with my life in a land that I don't quite understand.

It's like I am living in a parallel universe and every once in a while, I get an email that sent to the wrong one universe. Many people who know me know that I think about that other world. Maybe it's one of the reasons I am so fascinated with time travel as a literary device. The idea of what would it be like if things would be different. It might be a neat exercise in imagination, but ultimately it has nothing to do with now and who I am here. Apart of the aspects of having the inability to change the past is so that way we try to make the best possible choices. If I could go back and change things and make it the way I would want, I would also not be me. I would not develop as a person and gain wisdom and experience. All my time would be spent going back and perfecting everything that I am not really enjoying it.

I played Civilization a lot and in that game, I would save my game right before attempting to take over a new city and then attack. If it didn't turn out because I lost too many guys or my guys were simply not strong enough to take on the defenders, then I would just hit the reload button and try again or wait another turn when I would send in even more guys. However, in those war campaigns of mine, I would spent so much time trying to get the result I wanted that the game took so much longer and ultimately not that enjoyable.

What is more interesting is when people face conflicts and every once in a while fail and then become better because of it. I find that I have to keep reminding myself of that. I can't focus on what could have been or wondering if I screwed up, because it takes me out of the enjoyment and the development of where I am now.

Hopefully, after today, I don't have to keep looking over to the David Rae who could have been married right now, but rather realizing that the things that happened have made me who I am. If I would have reloaded the game and instead be the Other David Rae then I wouldn't be truly the right man. I would be the doppelganger.

"I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The Christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up"

- "Wishlist" from Pearl Jam's "Yield" album

David Rae, Adventurer

2010-10-05T02:26:00.000-05:00

I have come to realize that although I have talked quite a bit about moving to Nelson, I haven't really explained what I'm doing here. So here is the basic rundown. I am here for at least three months and probably longer (assuming that I am not tossed out for heresy or drinking too much communion juice). My responsibilities include creating sketches and videos for the church as well as helping with the youth group (which has around forty to fifty kids) at various events. In exchange, I am getting free room and board. I'm being called an intern and that is probably the most accurate description of what I am doing here. However, it was inspired by having a conversation with Pastor Arden earlier in the summer. He mentioned how he wished that there was some way to reach out to his community which is a heavily arts focused place. He and I were on the same wavelength when it came to art in the church which was "if you can't do it well, don't do it at all". After walking away from that conversation, I was thinking about the approach that the church used to have in regards to art in that they used to pay for resident artists. Churches would have composers on site to write hymns and artists painted murals and masterworks like Michelangelo's work in the Sistine Chapel. My idea was inspired by the concept.

However, what really excited me about the whole thing is that it feels like I am a bona fide adventurer from all those role playing games. Like in Final Fantasy, where you'd go to a town and discover that there is something wrong going on and your team has to stop it and save the town and then move on to the next place. In a way, I feel like I am coming into town to help wherever I can for a little while before I move onto the next adventure elsewhere. I am actually looking for a variety of tasks to do. If I am needed to help out somewhere else, I'd be game. For instance, the house I'm staying at is in the process of going through renovations so I offered to help out. It's like I have a quest log and I am here to earn experience and do some good where it's needed.

After this Nelson adventure, I am seriously considering going back on the Camp Ministry Team which is even more like an adventuring troupe with it's continual travel and a many opportunities to come in and help doing a variety of tasks.

Life Together is another place I am considering after that. It would be different and has a unique vibe to it. Kind of like a version of a monastery. It's a house where people stay for a year or more to focus on discipleship and service.

I just like the idea of going from one opportunity to help to another. Maybe down the line, I'll do some missions work somewhere. Maybe I'll do another resident artist stint in some other church. I don't know what lies ahead. I don't believe I can do it forever, but for now with how things are for me this is the life that seems like the best path for me.

There have been a couple of comments from people that I am "sacrificing a lot" to come out here and do this which I guess is true. Sure, maybe I am not really advancing a career per se, nor am I really preparing myself financially for the future but I think if anything, it seems selfish. Only in the sense that I get to do what I really like doing and get to doing while serving others and doing something positive. So like a positive selfishness. Plus I get to be an adventurer.

"Though I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
And here I go again on my own,
Going down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time."
- Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" from their self-titled album

I Probably Should Pack Up Instead of Write This

2010-09-27T08:59:00.000-05:00

Friday night's show went fairly well. We upped it a notch with lighting and giving me a mike. It was close to looking professional. Maybe it still wasn't quite there, but for me it was some big steps forward. When I looked out into the audience, all I saw were the bright lights and the silhouettes of people's heads. I realized I really haven't done a traditional style of theatre in a long time. It has usually been the simple "get-up-on-stage-and-do-something" kind of approach.

Anyway, it was good time and there was a positive reaction, however, I am a poor judge of the reaction, because even if they didn't like it, they would never say it to your face so any reaction would be under suspect. That said, when I was talking with people, they did mention parts that they really liked which is a more positive sign.

Here was the stand out favourite of the crowd that night. Sam Peterson was one of the highlights for me in this one.

Regardless, I was, like after I finished the last two shows, kind of sad when it was done. You put a lot of work into a show and then in an hour and a half, it's done. I was took a walk after the show to go get some food. I don't usually eat a whole lot on the day of a big performance and afterwards I did not want to make anything. So I went and got fast food. You know. Nutrition. As I was walking down the street, still wearing my suit and heavy coat, reflecting on the show and had that kind of lost feeling in the sense that I was so preoccupied for the last several weeks and now I have nothing to do. That's changing really soon, but there's nothing for me to prepare for and so I am in this strange eye of the storm.

Creative work takes up a lot of time unlike a retail or 9 to 5 type jobs. Sure, they're not usually physically draining or strenuous but they are consuming in a different way. Most of your time is centered around your craft. Some jobs get to leave their work at their workplace, but for me, the show is always lingering at the back of your mind. I know it must of been at least a little annoying for the guys at the Life Together house (along with other random friends) to have to hear about the ideas I had for sketches and videos, but that was what going on in my head. I had to. I am not able to just go and sit and hammer out ideas for a block of time and once the time was done, stop thinking about it.

Now, that the show is done, I was left on Saturday with nothing to do. I suppose I should've started packing up or some such nonsense like that, but I was looking for someone to hang out with because it seems I haven't done a whole lot of that in the light of the fact that I was prepping the show. The funny thing is that I was unsure of who to call. I think I wanted to hang out with someone that I can be comfortable around, just relax with, talk about things that matter, someone whom I would miss. However, most of those people either were busy or whom I assumed was busy. In the end, I spent the night just on my own and walked down to Osbourne. It was sort of nice, but kind of disappointing. So I did the only thing I knew how to do and started working on a new show. It wasn't exactly what I had envisioned for that night.

The thing is, I really can't be too upset about that. That's literally the kind of life I have chosen to live for the next while. One where I am working on shows and scripts. It's kinda like I have decided that the friend I am going to spend more time with is my stage persona than some of these other good friends of mine. In Nelson, I am not sure if I am going to find a lot of friends who are on the same general wavelength as me and my best friend might be my work which I don't know if I'll like a whole lot. We'll see.

As I write this, I have for the first time realized that I don't know a whole lot of people in Nelson. There are some contacts there, but not a lot of long time friends. Not like when I went to Providence or when I moved to the city. The last time I did this, I went to Covenant Bible College and I think the most important thing that happened there was that I got to redefine my life. These experiences may be challenging and perhaps not comfortable, but it may give me the thing I need to push myself forward. Interesting...

"Yeah, runnin' down a dream
That would never come to me
Workin' on a mystery, going wherever it leads
Runnin' down a dream"
- Tom Petty's "Runnin' Down a Dream" from his album "Full Moon Fever"

That's Me Up There

2010-09-23T00:59:00.003-05:00

I have less than forty-eight hours until my last comedy show in Winnipeg (for a while anyway) and in less than a week I will be in the town of Nelson, British Columbia. In a lot of regards, I feel like I have not seen too many people in the last few days and probably won't be making too many plans either. Yet, I don't feel too bad about that. I've always felt kind of detached from most people in my life and many times it seems like I have forgotten people who are my friends. As I sit here, I don't know who I would call to hang out with in my last few days here. Why would I hang out with someone that I don't spend much time with when I had all the time in the world? It seems to me, that I should be hanging out with people that I am really going to miss. The thing is since I have returned, I have hung out with most of the people I would frequently see.

Outside of the show on Friday, I don't have some big get together planned. I don't really have the desire to put one together or even go to one if one was planned. I take that last one back, but I do kind of feel like that's all I've been doing is saying goodbye. I said goodbye at the start of summer, I said goodbye throughout the summer as we would leave churches and camps and now it seems like I came back to Winnipeg to say goodbye again. There was no sense of reunion.

That's why I am comfortable with doing a show as my last major event here in my city. It seems very appropriate to end my time doing the thing that people remember me as. The guy on stage. The funny guy. If anything, for a lot of the people in my life, that is where I have been the most honest about myself. Especially the Early Night Show. I've come to realize that I have been putting my perception of things on display up on the stage. Things that I would never tell most people in an average conversation except for perhaps the closest of friends. It's veiled in comedy, but I have been talking about the very core issues of what I am dealing with and putting a laugh track on it.

I wouldn't say that the intention of the show was to delve into my psyche, but as I reflect, it's like the stuff I present is a snapshot of my headspace. These shows are different than when I do specific sketches for church that have a predetermined idea to focus on and that I put my slant on it. The Early Night Show is all up to me. I decide the theme and so I go with the most pertinent, overarching theme in my life at that time. Narcissistic? Yes, but it makes it way easier to write about the subject that is rolling around in your head.

It's funny, because I always bemoaned the fact that most people only knew my stageself and not me the person. However, I have only been disappointed with people and in myself and the safest way for me to deal with my stuff was on stage. If I told people about the visceral stuff in my life, it would remind me how frustrated I was with people, the world, myself and it wouldn't solve anything. It would just make me feel bad. In the end, you have to deal with the issues in your life and find that avenue that works. The stage is mine.

For me, instead of telling a bunch of people what is wrong, I'd rather show it which is the most important concept to learn as a writer. If people don't get it, fine. Laugh. Enjoy it for what it is. You can't solve my problems anyway. Only I can do that. Watch it and maybe you can figure your own stuff out as I try to figure out mine and we can all laugh at the absurdity of it all.

"In all this talk of time
Talk is fine
But I don't want to stay around
Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes
And sleep sweet dreams
Me and you with wings on our feet
I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground"
- R.E.M.'s "The Great Beyond" from the "Man on the Moon" soundtrack

Soliloquy

2010-09-17T23:25:00.004-05:00

I finally found a space in the day to write a little bit for the blog that wasn't one in the morning or during one of my mid-day writing sessions. I have been keeping myself fairly busy with the show, fitting into the rhythm of the Life Together house, dealing with finding people to take over the apartment, and making arrangements to head out to Nelson. Of course I figured this wasn't busy enough and decided to add in writing a puppet sketch and preparing the wrap-up to my yearlong Dungeons and Dragons campaign. Yes, that's right. I play Dungeons and Dragons. Wanna fight about it?

Anyway, in the whole process of this, I want to still keep some sort of record of the events going on in my life especially as this seems to be the start of the next phase of my adventure. I suppose the challenges in this place of my life is the same challenges I have always faced. I am still putting forth the best effort I can despite the lingering thoughts of self-doubt and pessimism, it's just now I am making bigger life-changing kind of decisions. I have always come out the other side rather in tact and this is going to be the same.

Living with the Life Together crew for the last couple of weeks has been great. I love being in this house and spending meals and devotional times with the guys and I can definitely see the value of this ministry. A quick overview for those unfamiliar: Life Together is a house where folks come together to live in community, encourage each other, reach out to the neighbourhood around them, engage in devotions and Biblical studies and generally build each other up. It's like a spiritual version of a sorority or fraternity. Anyway, I can see down the road wanting to engage in the great opportunity to live with people of like mind instead of an empty apartment by yourself. I suppose I have been reminded a lot recently through various avenues that people are not meant to be separated, but rather we are meant to live amongst each other. Be involved in each other's lives. I am seriously considering joining either the house in Winnipeg or Calgary next year. Actually, I encourage people in general to consider the option. It is something different and very much different than living in dorm. Trust me. It's way better.

The show has been coming along fairly well, which continues to surprise me. When one of these events are on the horizon, it seems at first that there is no way that I will be able to be create enough content, but leave it to the last two weeks for it to pull together. There are some parts I am really looking forward to and I am immensely pleased with the new camcorder that I purchased. It creates a level of quality that makes the old videos look like garbage. I'm optimistic for this show and I hope I can live up to what I imagine it to be.

I only have a couple of things that I am actively concerned about. One of which is finances with being able to balance everything and test the boundaries of what I will be able to handle. That's going to be up in the air until I actually make it to Nelson and find a job that will hopefully get me some traction and push back on the debt. Debt has been a little bit of an annoying part of my life in the last couple of years as it seems like I have been paying for that two bedroom by myself entirely too much and if there was just someone there, it would have helped me avoid the current state of affairs. Alas, I just have to deal and make wise choices.

The other thing I'm concerned about I just have to keep under my hat for now. It's nothing life-threatening, don't worry. It is a part of a bizarre time of my life and I have to balance it all.

Life right now is exciting and full of possibilities and I am looking forward to my tabula rasa and what I could do with it.

"Leaves are falling all around, It's time I was on my way.
Thanks to you, I'm much obliged for such a pleasant stay.
But now it's time for me to go. The autumn moon lights my way.
For now I smell the rain, and with it pain, and it's headed my way.
Sometimes I grow so tired, but I know I've got one thing I got to do...
Ramble On, And now's the time, the time is now, to sing my song."
- Led Zeppelin's "Ramble On" from the album "Led Zeppelin II"

B112

2010-09-06T22:43:00.004-05:00

I wanted to write a short post on the last day of being in the old apartment. This is probably the first time that I have had to actually do a true move since I was living back in Minnedosa with the family. I say that because the other times I went from one place to another, I could do it in one truck load because I barely had any furniture to speak of. This time, I have couches, beds, desks, tables and a TV to move. What's more, I have five years of stuff sitting here. I was making all sorts of choices as to what was worth keeping and what was garbage to be thrown out. It was admittedly a little strange to hand off my couch at the Jackson Hole and throw out stuff I would never normally throw out.

I know this may sound contradictory to the previous post where I said I didn't care about what was furnishing my place, but it's not because I want all the stuff. It was more that the stuff I had meant something to me or had memories attached to it. Some good, some bad. I could do without a lot of stuff, but stuff also are reminders of times gone by with folks. My memory is not so good some times and I don't remember all the times I've experienced but to see something that wakes up a past event and makes it real for a moment. I think that's why we hold onto a lot of things.

I, however, have to cut out a lot of things because I need to have the freedom to move often and without a lot of hassle. I can't store anything with my family and so I have to choose what stays and what goes. Today, I threw out old letters and thank you notes (after I read them one more time). The most major item I threw out was Dad's old bowling shoes. I did it because I realized that I never go bowling anymore and they are in terrible condition and I had nowhere to put them. When I made the decision to toss them, however, I was stricken with a sharp sadness. As I carted them off to the garbage bin, I was looking at them and remembering how my dad bought them used and had used black marker to draw two little arrows on the toes. I asked him why would he do that and he jokingly replied "So that it points me down the centre of the lane." However, his drawing was a little shaky and the arrow on the right toe kind of pointed off to the left and I pointed that out to him and he said that he'll just have to turn his foot. I am sitting here at the keyboard and can not even word the mixed emotion of it. So I guess I won't.

In the movie "Saving Private Ryan", Private Ryan is talking to Captain Miller about how he can't remember any memories of his now deceased brothers. He can't picture them or hear their voices. Captain Miller responds that you can't just remember without context. When he thinks of home, he thinks of the hammock in the back yard or his wife pruning the rosebushes. For me, the context of some of those memories are in some of the things I have.

Don't get me wrong. This is good for me and I am excited. This apartment holds some of the darkest times in my life, but it's still apart of me and these useless items that I cannot take with me also hold memories.

This move turned out to be a little tougher than I thought.

"I know we don't live here anymore
We bought an old house on the Danforth
She loves me and her body keeps me warm
I'm happy here
But this is where we used to live

Broke into the old apartment
Tore the phone out of the wall
Only memories, fading memories
Blending into dull tableaux

I want them back"
- "Old Apartment" from the Barenaked Ladies' album "Born on a Pirate Ship"

Get a Move On Already

2010-08-30T01:11:00.004-05:00

It has been a recurring thing with me recently in that things in my life are in perpetual flux and I have to make many decisions whereas before I was in a self-enforced state of pause. The most recent example has surrounded my process of getting rid of my apartment. Originally, I planned to get someone to take over in October, but it was suggested to me that I should post an ad early because it would go better for me if I give people as much of a heads up as possible. Turns out that as soon as I had posted the ad on Kijiji people immediately responded to the ad and they were wanting to move in September 1st. It caught me off guard to the point that I didn't even have the appropriate paperwork ready. It was probably a good problem to have, but it has definitely bumped up my time table. Now, I am moving within the week. For one month, I am going to move in with the Life Together folks and then from there head to Nelson. I didn't even get to settle into the old apartment and I'm heading back out into the next phase of my life which I am labeling the "Hobo Years".

I couple of things have been going around in my head since this development, one being the fact I am moving from the place I have lived for the last five years and now I have no place for my things. It will all be borrowed for the next long while. I am going to be leaving some items at the Life Together house and taking only the essentials. Clothes, bedding, toiletries, my video camera and computer. I will officially be homeless in that I won't be paying for my own place for a while. My little living area will be borrowed. For me, I am excited to be free of such responsibilities. I am now turning into a guest in another home for a while, but it is a different scenario than when I am paying for my place directly. It is going to be an adventure like the video games I always played. I am going to a place to complete a quest along with some side tasks. Yes, nerdy I know, but at the same time very accurate. Plus I am doing the thing that I always wanted to devote more time to, but was unsure of how I could do it.

The other I was thinking about could be epitomized from my encounter with Lance on Saturday. Greg and I went over to his place and chilled out in his new hot tub and were catching up with each other. Lance and Char are in the middle of renovating their backyard and we started talking about the future projects including the completion of his deck, a patio and in general transforming it into something that sounds awesome. I should probably clarify that. Greg and Lance discussed that. I sort of stayed quiet. I didn't know much about that kind of stuff, because I've never thought about it. It never interested me. Greg however, was able to keep pace with Lance and had clearly considered that kind of stuff before. Mind you, Greg does work in construction.

He is, however, not the only one of my friends who has some idea of what their future home would have. People in my small group can talk about their homes/future homes and what they would have or are going to do with their home or what they want to change and how they'd do it. I do my best to feign interest, but I couldn't care less about that stuff.

For the last five years I was going to put up posters in my bedroom to spruce it up, but I never got around to it. In fact, I don't think that the room was a hundred percent cleaned. The thing was, I didn't care. The only reason I wanted to do that was because I figured that what normal people do. They want their room to be unique and reflect who they are. So they decorate or arrange things in the way that portrays their personality not so much for the sake of showing off, but for their own sake of expression. That's what I assume anyway. I don't care what that room looks like. I store clothes and spend my time being unconscious in there. Why would I care what it looks like? I didn't decorate my room to be a reflection of who I am, because I didn't care what it looked like and thought it was unnecessary work and thus it ironically became a reflection of who I am.

My living space is where all my decorations are. However, all the things that I have populated my apartment with came from convenience. All my furniture was either stuff that my old roommates had and then left with me when they moved or were standees from work. When a promotion of a new movie had come to an end, I would take the standee of a character or the poster home because I thought, "Sweet, here is a free shelf and it makes it look like I tried to decorate." Aside from two posters, I didn't buy anything to add to my home. Not dishes, not towels, not furniture (except for a TV and the game systems). I have never improved my home. The decorations are purely there because other people put up stuff in their home and I wouldn't have to hear the comments like, "The walls look so barren".

The reason this has stuck out to me is because I am closing up shop here and there is nothing to close up. I don't care for any of it. The reason I'm making arrangements to leave it here in the city is so that when I return I don't have to go through the drudgery of having to find new furniture and have to spend money on it. It's not the money part that bothers me, but rather the whole fact I have to spend any time and any money on something I don't care about at all. It's just that unless you want to be a furnitureless weirdo, you have that stuff so that you can make a house more hospitable and inviting.

Some would say, "Dave, that stuff doesn't matter. A home is about the people inside." Yes, true. But finding a girl who doesn't care about that stuff too, would be mighty difficult. A lot of perception of what is needed to create a space for a family comes from how you approach your home. If I don't even care a little bit about the space I live, then I don't really care about the space when other people are there.

There is a security that comes with a home. An idea that this is a space where a family is safe to be and I have a hard time with that. I really don't care about that space and my fear is that if I don't care about setting up a home that I wouldn't really be caring for my future family.

It all boils down to this. I have been standing at a crossroads for nine years. Do I choose the life of a performance artist and devote my time and lifestyle to becoming a better one or do I choose to become responsible for my future family and pursue a stable home and income. I've to the point that I've realized that I have been standing at that fork in the road for so long and realized that I haven't chosen and now I will have difficulty pursuing either due to my lack of decision.

I think the main reason I haven't chosen is because I do not want to choose the wrong one. If I choose to pursue comedy, I may not succeed well enough to be able to build a home for a family. If I choose the stable life, then I may yearn for a life of doing what I want to do and blame it on the family that held me back. So I have instead chosen a safe life. I had a job and stuck with it to at least pay off debts and have benefits and I would do the safe approach of doing skits for free at youth retreats just so that I had an avenue to do some but not really pushing myself. It's like the parable Jesus about the talents. I didn't want to risk anything, so I wound up taking my talents and burying them in the sand and at the end of the day, not having anymore than when I started.

Now, I am finally choosing, perhaps way too late to go and do my passion. I am turning away from building my home and a lifestyle that I could bring a family into. It scares me a little. Especially since I have found a girl that I care for and who cares for me because I am not sure what I will have at the end of this choice to offer her.

In the end, I have to do this. I can't stay still anymore. I have to choose and not let "what ifs" hold me back at a fork in the road. I have finally figured out that I would rather walk a path that may lead to failure than go nowhere at all.

"In the far off distance
As my taillights fade
No one thinks to witness but they will someday
Feel like a question is forming
And the answer's far
I will be what I could be
Once I get out of this town"
- Pearl Jam's "Gone" from their self-titled album

Lost in Thought: "The End"

2010-08-26T00:30:00.004-05:00

Today I picked up "LOST: The Complete Collection" which included all six seasons in one package along with many other nifty extras. Normally, I wouldn't just pick up the entire collection when I already have 5 out of the 6 seasons already, but this was different. LOST really is an entire collection and now that I have seen the show, I can appreciate the entirety of the show. It was truly worth the investment of time and money into one of the most thought-provoking hours of television.

This is as good as any time to do a review of the show as any. I was away from my home computer and was not able to type out a review before, but I have just finished watching the special features of the final season (along with the last twenty minutes of the last episode) and now LOST is once again racing through my mind.

As silly as it is to admit, I have to say that the LOST finale was one of the things that actually impacted me this summer (along with many more important events) and as I watched the cast and crew review the creation of the last season, I was brought to tears and contemplated matters of my own life once more. I think the main reason that this show has hit me as hard as it has is the fact that this show focuses on the nature of humanity. Mind you, many movies, TV shows and books do that, but it may be one of the few that deals with the state of spirituality in the modern era.

When I was talking with Pastor Arden from Nelson (where I will be heading in just over a month), he pointed out that LOST highlights the need of spirituality that modern North American culture yearns for but has been disenfranchised with due to bad experiences with religion or unfamiliar with due to a lack of experience with religion. LOST is a summary of North American spirituality. Even though Lost is not a Christian show, it clearly tackles the same issue that Christianity (along with other world religions) addresses.

I know that many people were disappointed with the apparent lack of answers to many questions, I still feel that at the end of the show, all the major questions I had were addressed. Sure, there are many that were left hanging, but to go out of the way to answer it would have been answering it for the sake of answering it and thus taking away from the major narrative of the story. Although, a few of those questions were addressed in a special 10 minute segment made for the DVD. However, it would have been strangely out of place had they put those into the finale itself or really into the final season at all. For the sake of those who care to check it out, they talk about questions like "What was the deal with the palette drops in season 2?" or "What was so special about Walt?" It was interesting, but not necessary. Especially after watching the other special features and being again reminded of what that show was.

Lost had two major themes that came through out the show and that was the idea of community and redemption.

In season one the castaways were faced with a dire situation and they were deciding how to deal with things and it was pretty chaotic. It was at this point that Jack stepped forward and talked about how people needed to band together if they were to survive.

"Last week most of us were strangers. But we're all here now. And God knows how long we're going to be here. But if we can't live together—we're gonna die alone"

With that line, one of the foundations of the show was laid. Live together or die alone. There was multiple times in making the movie trailers throughout the summer that I referenced that idea and I even named one of my speeches at the Kootenay camp "Live Together or Die Alone". The flash sideways was used to underscore that main tenet of the show. Whatever happens in the after life, we are going to be facing it together. One of the thoughts I have had about death is that when we go to face our judgment, it is not going to be me facing God, but rather us as a humanity and it will be our ability to live as a people who took care of each like God commanded us that will be judged. God knows that we are not doing that now and it will have to be on the mercy of Jesus Christ that we are forgiven for failing as a humanity.

I think that we should not be simply concerned with our own personal redemption, but rather the redemption of humanity. It puts a different spin on why we do good works. It means that we do good works, not for the sake of salvation, but rather as an avenue to aid our fellow humanity who we are ultimately going to be linked with in the afterlife.

The other major theme is redemption which I have already touched on, but it specifically about how no matter our situation and background, we are capable of being redeemed. No one is beyond redemption and it is up to us to embrace that change in character. In the show, we have a group of people who are flawed, but in the situation they find themselves in on the island, they are brought to a place where they can find redemption and become the hero archtype that should be outside of their grasp.

In the same way, humanity are faced with situations and people who stand in their way and it is possible for a person to rise above and become the enlightened hero. We may not have to face a foe as powerful as Darth Vader, but like the characters in Lost, we may face people like a boss that bullies us or an impossible standard put before us by our father and our redemption and evolution into a person of a heroic archtype is found in the trials of our character along with the support of the community.

In the end, what I walk away with at the end of Lost is that people can be redeemed and that it is found through the power of the good community. Of course, I would submit that it also requires the pursuit of goodness that is found at the core of teachings of Jesus, but for a network television series to actually address anything of spiritual significance and in a profound way is amazing.

One of the reasons the ending of the show has impacted me as much as it did this summer was the imagery it used in the flash sideways. The idea that people would find each other in the afterlife before they move onto their final destination was fascinating. I was thinking about what would my flash sideways look like and I have a feeling that it would look like camp. A camp where the people significant would gather and it would be around the camp fire where we'd realize the significance of each other in each others lives. I can imagine some people would be around that fire and it is such an interesting exercise.

So my question to you is: Who would be in your flash sideways and what would it look like for you?

For me, Lost was a fantastic show that dealt with issues rarely touched by television and actually got me thinking inwardly as to where am I in the whole scheme of things and that is something I can't say for a lot of things. Kudos to the cast and crew to making one of the best shows on television.

(It kills me to quote a Creed song, but alas, the song fits perfect)

"Why hold down one to raise another?
Discrimination now on both sides
Seeds of hate blossom further
The world is heading for mutiny
When all we want is unity
We may rise and fall, but in the end
We meet our fate together"
- Creed's "One" from their album "My Own Prison"

Too Much To Say

2010-08-21T01:44:00.005-05:00

I just got home last night and I can't bring myself to sleep quite yet. My mind is filled with a lot of thoughts right now. Thoughts of the future, memories of this summer, preparations for the wedding reception I am the master of ceremony for, the girl I can't stop thinking about, what am I going to do for the next couple of months while I live in Winnipeg, wrestling in my mind about my relationship with my mom. It is all tumbling around in my mind, and I still haven't unpacked from the summer yet.

Although, it may sound like I am complaining, but in actuality, I am quite exhilarated. Sunday will be a good day to recover from one adventurous summer and to take it easy. This week coming up will be one to reflect and prep for the next couple of months. I have a couple of months before I head west and I have some decisions to make and I hope I don't get so wrapped up in the future, that I forget to live in the present and make wise choices now.

On Monday, I plan on starting to develop my last comedy show for Winnipeg with the help of a very smart and organized friend and put something together that will be an appropriate good bye to the community that I have spent the last eight years with. I have a rough idea of how the show will be designed and I hope that I can pull it together in the midst of other important tasks that need to be done before one moves to another province.

There is so much I want to write, but it is late. I suppose I wanted to set the stage for myself to write down some various thoughts in the next while and I hope that in the midst of this time of change that I can crystalize those thoughts for the sake of later when I think back to this major turning point in my life. I will get to it later after this last crazy day.

"Such is the way of the world
You can never know
Just where to put all your faith
And how will it grow

Gonna rise up
Burning back holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold
And suddenly swallowed by signs
Low and behold

Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole"
- Eddie Vedder's "Rise" from the "Into the Wild" soundtrack

That Feels Good

2010-08-13T11:42:00.004-05:00

I have one more camp to go here on the Camp Ministry Team. I am a bit tired and have been sick for the last few weeks with a few different colds. My back is scraped up and my clothes in the laundry getting rid of the caked-on mud from last night's game of "Fugitive". My voice is shot and my ability to yell a mighty yell is affected by the constant threat of cracking.

I feel alive.

This is a good kind of tired, beat up and sick. I feel like I am actually doing something and I am still having fun. I am truly going to miss this summer despite it's trials of various sorts. However, there is an exciting, new adventure on the horizon.

As it stands right now, I am moving to Nelson, British Columbia in a couple of months to do the internship I mentioned in my previous post. The details of exactly what my expectations are not fully ironed out, but my conversation with Pastor Arden gives me a lot of confidence that we are on the same page. I am looking forward to getting to perform regularly and working on various video projects and youth group events.

One thing I know I am going to miss are the people in Winnipeg. I have been there for essentially eight years and it will be a little sad to leave them. At this point I don't think that it will be forever, but you never know. This may be the start of a life on the road.

It's very strange to be where I am right now. I feel good and happy for the most part and I kind of don't know what to do with it. It has been a lot longer than people realize since I have been this content. There's still question marks in my future and I still have a hard time with the idea of whether or not that I am "living up to my potential" but I feel like I have found where I can help and excel doing something worthwhile.

I am thankful for how God has been leading me out of the valley of the shadow of death and I hope that I can do what I am supposed to do.

"The world awaits just up the stairs
Leave the pain for someone else
Nothing back there for you to find
Or was it you you left behind?
You're always saying you're too weak to be strong
You're harder on yourself than just about anyone
Why swim the channel just to get this far?
Halfway there, why would you turn around?
Darkness comes in waves...tell me,
Why invite it to stay?

You're one with negativity
Yes, comfort is an energy
But why let the sad song play?

I have faced it, a life wasted
I'm never going back again
Oh I escaped it, a life wasted
I'm never going back again
Haven't tasted, a life wasted
I'm never going back again
Oh i erased it, a life wasted
I'm never going back again"

- Pearl Jam's "Life Wasted" from their self-titled album