That's Me Up There

I have less than forty-eight hours until my last comedy show in Winnipeg (for a while anyway) and in less than a week I will be in the town of Nelson, British Columbia. In a lot of regards, I feel like I have not seen too many people in the last few days and probably won't be making too many plans either. Yet, I don't feel too bad about that. I've always felt kind of detached from most people in my life and many times it seems like I have forgotten people who are my friends. As I sit here, I don't know who I would call to hang out with in my last few days here. Why would I hang out with someone that I don't spend much time with when I had all the time in the world? It seems to me, that I should be hanging out with people that I am really going to miss. The thing is since I have returned, I have hung out with most of the people I would frequently see.

Outside of the show on Friday, I don't have some big get together planned. I don't really have the desire to put one together or even go to one if one was planned. I take that last one back, but I do kind of feel like that's all I've been doing is saying goodbye. I said goodbye at the start of summer, I said goodbye throughout the summer as we would leave churches and camps and now it seems like I came back to Winnipeg to say goodbye again. There was no sense of reunion.

That's why I am comfortable with doing a show as my last major event here in my city. It seems very appropriate to end my time doing the thing that people remember me as. The guy on stage. The funny guy. If anything, for a lot of the people in my life, that is where I have been the most honest about myself. Especially the Early Night Show. I've come to realize that I have been putting my perception of things on display up on the stage. Things that I would never tell most people in an average conversation except for perhaps the closest of friends. It's veiled in comedy, but I have been talking about the very core issues of what I am dealing with and putting a laugh track on it.

I wouldn't say that the intention of the show was to delve into my psyche, but as I reflect, it's like the stuff I present is a snapshot of my headspace. These shows are different than when I do specific sketches for church that have a predetermined idea to focus on and that I put my slant on it. The Early Night Show is all up to me. I decide the theme and so I go with the most pertinent, overarching theme in my life at that time. Narcissistic? Yes, but it makes it way easier to write about the subject that is rolling around in your head.

It's funny, because I always bemoaned the fact that most people only knew my stageself and not me the person. However, I have only been disappointed with people and in myself and the safest way for me to deal with my stuff was on stage. If I told people about the visceral stuff in my life, it would remind me how frustrated I was with people, the world, myself and it wouldn't solve anything. It would just make me feel bad. In the end, you have to deal with the issues in your life and find that avenue that works. The stage is mine.

For me, instead of telling a bunch of people what is wrong, I'd rather show it which is the most important concept to learn as a writer. If people don't get it, fine. Laugh. Enjoy it for what it is. You can't solve my problems anyway. Only I can do that. Watch it and maybe you can figure your own stuff out as I try to figure out mine and we can all laugh at the absurdity of it all.

"In all this talk of time
Talk is fine
But I don't want to stay around
Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes
And sleep sweet dreams
Me and you with wings on our feet
I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground"
- R.E.M.'s "The Great Beyond" from the "Man on the Moon" soundtrack

Traveling Preacherman

I have decided to quickly write up a little update to my blog as I have stolen Nathan's computer. I thought it might be important to crystalize for myself, some of the thoughts that I have been having as I have gone through my experiences this summer. Particularly since I am in a different place than when I left.

The last Early Night Show I did, I had a theme of how life kicks the crap out of you and how all there is left to do is pick yourself up again and push forward. For me, the summer has been really good for me personally. It has been busy and that's what I like especially if it's doing stuff I like. I have been writing scripts and working on talks. I have been performing and speaking to churches and youth alike. I have been doing work that I really enjoy.

In fact, I have been enjoying it so much, I wish I could do it all the time. It would so awesome just to continue to travel from place to place and doing whatever was needed wherever I was. I like the variety and meeting new people and that I can be creative in presenting games and ideas.

I have been learning a lot about myself and why I do the things I do and why I have done the things I have done. For the first couple of months in the summer, I have been talking to a counsellor and sorting through some of the things I have been dealing with internally and understanding my dark passenger.

I think one of the reasons I really like doing this style of ministry, is because I got to stay with billets. Some people really dread it and I can understand the downside of always having to be social, considerate, and polite as a guest in a home, but for me I really liked it. I think it has to do with the idea that I got to stay in a home with people that even for the few days we would stay there would care about me and what I was doing and where I was going. It was like having a surrogate family. This summer, I realized why I liked the surrogate family. It's because it was better than my own family.

Ever since my dad died twelve years ago, it was really the death of my own sense of family. Dad was my best friend and was more of the glue in the family than I realized. I've come to reflect on my experience with my growing up and noticed that although I may have spent more time with some of my friends from the school, I have had the most intimate and meaningful conversations with my dad. He was the one that would balance out my mom who I think had a hard time raising Darwin and myself. When he died, so did that balance.

The source of meaningful and even tolerable conversation in my home disappeared. I have had and continue to have trouble connecting with my family on a deep level and going to these places where families and individuals are more like family to me than my own has been good for me. At the same time, kind of tragic. I like to travel and go to these places to find a sense of home and learn how to have a family which is so backwards for so many others. I think that is why the ideal of a wanderer appeals to me so much.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the summer because the work has kept my mind busy and doing something that I feel is of value. I am putting my skills to work in a positive manner and getting encouraging feedback. I want to continue doing what I have been and am looking at opportunities to come into a situation and offer my unique set of skills and continue moving on.

I am considering the idea of short internships at various churches and looking to help with their dramatic presentations and youth programs. That way I can focus on writing and performing and introducing thought-provoking drama and comedy sketches to churches and looking to possibly establish a drama team for when I leave. In the event that my style is not appreciated, I would be moving on soon anyways and I would be helping in their youth programs with perhaps planning events and games and connecting with youth which any church could use.

I like the image of a traveling preacher who comes in and alongside a church and introduces new ideas and impacting the way things are done and challenging the body before moving on. It would use my abilities and shake things up a little bit. I believe that drama and comedy has a place in the realm of the church but it is not fully realized nor is it's potential understood.

Eventually, I will have to settle down and sort things out, but maybe this is what I need. I have felt more at home in the homes of strangers and maybe that it is where my home truly is for now. I can see what family looks like and acts like and most importantly feels like. Then I can start my own.

I don't fear for my future and I can see hope in what I am planning. It is almost reminiscent of the early apostles and the "Littlest Hobo", both of which are awesome. I think that's where I am going to leave it for now, but this has been a great summer and many other things are tumbling around in my head and I will talk about them later, but just know that I am happy and hopeful.

"There’s a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road is where I’ll always be

Every stop I make, I’ll make a new friend

Can’t stay for long, just turn around and I’m gone again.

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, I’ll just keep moving on.

Down this road, that never seems to end,
Where new adventure, lies just around the bend.

So if you want to join me for a while
Just grab your hat, come travel light – that’s hobo style.

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home."

- "Maybe Tomorrow" by Terry Bush

Early Night Show: How Does Faking Your Own Death Work?

This is my official invite to all my friends and supporters that I am putting on a second episode of the Early Night Show. I know many of you could not make it to the first one because it was on Valentine's Day, but because of it's success and the fact I need to fundraise some money for the Camp Ministry Team that I will be joining this summer.

The theme of the show will revolve around pushing on when things get tough and being able to laugh at it. There will be both live and taped comedy sketches and live music from some of my favourite people. If you can come out and support me in this, I would love to see you there in the crowd. As well, I am also going to be my new DVD called "Hipster Nerd Wannabe" at the show with the proceeds from that also going towards the Camp Ministry Team.

It's going to be a great time and I hope to see you there.

Admission: $9
Where: Faith Covenant Church, 1229 Windermere Ave
When: Sunday, May 2nd, 7:30pm

"Hipster Nerd Wannabe"
Cost: $12
Includes: - The Church Office Season 1 & 2, Dark Poems of a Tortured Soul, The Early Night Show and other sketches

Day Eight: "Did Someone Try the 'Vengeful Ninja' or 'The Pajama Man'?"

Having just finished the Vancouver leg, I just realized that it has been a busy one. I wanted to post a note on here earlier, but for various reasons I was not able to. So thus, I am going to do a bit of a rundown and share with you possibly my greatest con that I have pulled off.

First of all, we shot the entirety of a video for the Early Night Show which I am super excited about. It was nice to use a location that is different than Winnipeg for videos. Vancouver (as well as Victoria) has a distinct look and feel. The only thing that I'm concerned about is the audio because we can only use the mic on the camera and I was competing with the traffic. If some shots didn't work, I will have to cheat Winnipeg for Vancouver. I think the Exchange will do. We'll see.

A fun thing I got to do was do a couple of photo shoots with Caitlin, photographer-extraordinaire-in-training. I need to create a poster and other advertising for my Early Night Show on May 2nd as well, I want to create a DVD of some of my videos that I have done since Mr. Chapel. The theme of the Early Night Show this time around is one of a kind of "down but not out" thing. For it, the image I wanted to have was one where I was beat up but it still kind of funny. So we gave me a black eye and made up some fake blood and dirtied up my coat and went to the parking garage in Aaron and Cait's apartment building. We took over two-hundred shots and pared it down to two and I am extremely happy with we have. Aaron did a little photo shop magic and I have a poster that I can't wait to unveil.

I have decided to call the DVD "Hipster Nerd Wannabe" and it's going to have a shot of me with my coffee spilled over my shirt and the back with another shot trying to squeeze the coffee out. It looks good right now and I can't wait to see the final product. I hope to have it done by the time the show comes around.

I have spent my days exploring the city and working. Aaron and Caitlin were both busy for most of the time I was here and I would hang out with them as much as I could. It was good to see these two and I know I will miss them very much when I leave tomorrow. It's funny to think that I have not really gone to any touristy things and I'm glad. I don't particularly care to do that. Making videos and doing photo shoots are much more entertaining.

Alright I think it's time for the story. A couple nights ago, after a full day with Aaron and Cait, I went off to spend a couple of hours by myself. I felt it was important to make sure I have that time to reflect and have that alone time so that way I don't get too distant while I hang out with them. I headed down to the shore of White Rock about 8:30 and walked around. I walked down the boardwalk and took in the night sky and went to a local Irish pub called Jimmy Flynn's and sat down at a table to work in my raggedy old notebook. I was working on the live segments of the Early Night Show and trying to get some of that out of the way. I was listening to my music and tuning out the world.

However, something caught my attention. I noticed a guy at the next table trying to talk to a woman at another table in my corner of the bar. He looked middle-aged, although it looked like he could be older and was just aging better than most. My dad was like that, too. He had a bit of a British accent and had a local beer in his hand and was trying to smooze the lady the best he could. She on the other hand was just trying to get some work done. I had noticed when I came in that she was working away on a small notepad with her glass of wine. She was middle-aged, although she was definitely pulling off the sexy librarian thing and I could see why the guy was trying his luck. I was interested because I have never been witness to that kind of pick up especially when the woman is pleasantly turning him down and I wanted to see what would happen.

I remove of my earbuds and listen in to the guy's pitch to encourage her to join him. She was claiming that she just came here to write and not to talk. He counters that she could write at his table instead and join him and his friend (who was trying to stay out of the whole affair). She continues to keep him at bay. He starts asking about what she's writing about and she mentions that it's about emotional logic (whatever that means) and he asks what does that mean and she decides that she doesn't really want to get into it.

He tries another angle to keep the conversation and glances over at me and sees that I have been eavesdropping and asks her, "And who's this? Your boyfriend?"

She glances over and looks at me and says, "Yep, he is."

He looks back at me, "Really?"

"Absolutely," I figured she wanted some help and that this might be fun.

He thens go onto ask about why we weren't seated together at the same table. She says that this is what we do. I add that we like to have space to work. He continues to ask about the nature of what she's writing about and she says that her and I are working on a book together. I explain that we are here to do research and observe people.

He was still curious and tried to dig deeper and asked my fake girlfriend apparent about what this thing is about. She says, "Do you want to field this one, sweetheart?"

"We're working on an article for a sociological journal and we're hear just to observe people."

"That's what you're taking notes about?"

She interjects, "Yep".

"So, are you writing notes about me?"

I respond, "Yes, but we're just getting notes on everyone here."

"I don't know what I think about that."

I proceed to write that down.

"You're writing that down?"

"Yep."

"So you're saying that I could pick up a magazine and find an article by you two about me?"

"Not just you and not for a few months. We're doing a lot of research first."

We continue to maintain the illusion for the next hour, all the while playing a cat and mouse game about our names and trying to dodge the whole thing. She eventually relents and tells him that her name is Madison and I decided to go honest (because the easiest lie to maintain is the one closest to the truth) and told him I was David and that I'm Winnipeg and that I've only been in White Rock for a little while. He finally lets us know that he is John and it continues and I start realizing that this guy is buying the fact that I am writing an article for a science journal with the help of my much older girlfriend (she said she was 46 which totally makes her a cougar).

Eventually, John (who has admitted to us that he has had a few to drink) needed to go to the washroom. While he was gone, Madison quickly stands up and comes over to me. "Ok, so what's your deal?"

"You mean, what am I doing here?"

"Yes."

"I'm just doing some writing."

"What kind of writing?"

"Comedy sketches."

"That is fantastic. I am having too much fun with this."

"Me too. This is great material."

"Yes, it is."

He comes back and we resume our positions and continue our finely crafted lie that I upkeep with diligently writing notes about what he was saying and describing him and even a quick sketch of him. Every once in a while, after he would say something apparently important, she would look over at me and ask, "You got that, right?". It was amusing because there were a few times that I thought it was obvious that we were lying. For instance, they were talking about some program that apparently is common and was named something like "Del Carnegie" or some such thing and he asks me if I knew about it or read about it and I was not going to get caught in something that I had no idea about and as I said "No," Madison was trying to be intuitive and caught herself before she contradicted me and said "Of course...he doesn't."

The other close call was when one of the servers came up to Madison and asked, "Do you want another one, Nancy?" John was confused and she said that she always liked Madison and sometimes went by that. For some reason he bought it.

At one point I couldn't really hear him too well, so I decided to get a little closer and used the opportunity to slide my stool next to Madison/Nancy and casually put my arm up on the ledge behind her to make it look like my arm was around her. I wanted to maintain the illusion and when the bills came, I quickly snatched hers up and paid for it (that made my two drinks suddenly way more expensive). It was now midnight and the bar was closing and I had been there for three hours. John was suggested that the three of us should get together again for dinner sometime. She said maybe and gave her number to her to arrange a time. I wanted to maintain the illusion for as long as we could and we walked out with my arm around her and then linked arms as we walked down the street. Once clear of the restaurant we separate and have a mighty good laugh. It was at this point that I noticed that she was having a little bit of trouble walking. She said she was parked just a little bit up and I suggested that maybe she shouldn't drive. I was willing to walk with her home. Instead she asked if I was good to drive (I was) and then gave me the keys to her Escalade.

"You do realize you just gave your keys to some guy who just met tonight and is your fake boyfriend?"

I drive her home and get out when she asks, "Do you want to come up for a glass of wine?"

"No, I probably shouldn't."

She wishes me well and to keep up the writing and I go back to the apartment.

Man, sometimes lying is the best thing you can do.

"And would you cry if I told you that I lied?

And would you say goodbye or would you let it ride?

Good bye, hard life, don't cry, would you let it ride?"

-"Let It Ride" from Bachman-Turner Overdrive's second self-titled album

Day One: Wanting My Cake and Eating It Too

I have been in Victoria for a whole day and I have been reminded what a beautiful city it is. Compared to Winnipeg, it feels clean and interesting. The scenery is gorgeous and the downtown has places to go see. I mean, there was a two block radius where there were three or four comic book stores, three ironic t-shirt stores and a Starbucks. It was a paradise for a hipster nerd like myself.

Despite how nice the city is, I did not come on this trip to see things, but rather people. I am here with Bryan and Krista Dwyer, friends that I haven't seen in a couple of years and I always thought I would never see again. Not because I didn't want to, but rather because I was never going to have the opportunity. I'm glad I did, because I love talking with Bryan about all sorts of topics and I love how I can make Krista laugh without even trying. She's the easiest audience I know and makes me feel funnier than I really am. It's really the main reason I'm friends with her.

I carried around my camera and my tripod for the three hours that we wandered downtown and it got to the point my ribs really hurt and I had to massage my chest and I probably looked like I was having a perpetually on the brink of having a heart attack. I was carrying it around in case I came up with an idea for shots for videos for the new episode of the Early Night Show that I will be doing at the start of May. However, I didn't really have it figured out what I really wanted so I wound up carrying it for nothing.

It's hard to be creative and get work done when you spend it with people. Especially people that you want to spend time with. I tried to get most of it done before my plane touched down in Victoria but it's also difficult to sketch out four full videos in a short amount of time. I plan on spending time tomorrow figuring that all out. I mean, I have come to realize that time by yourself is also important on a trip like this, because realistically you need to find a balance.

I hope to get stuff done on this trip so the prepartions for the show when I get back will be relatively easy. At the same time, I want to be present with the people I'm with. I also want to reflect and relax. It's funny how I can't even do being laid off without becoming busy.

I was reminded again in a conversation how funny I am and how I may not find satisfaction. I am not sure if it's that I am not allowing myself to see what I have, but I was reflecting how I wish I can just have a life with a wife and kids and that's what I want. Not that all of my problems would be solved, because if anything I more problems would come. Rather, I was thinking that is the thing missing from my life. If I just had that, I would be content. However, I caught myself and said that even if I did get those things, that I would probably want the life I had when I was 27 with the ability to do what I want and could spend all my time working on videos and going away to camps and playing Dungeons and Dragons and spend my money how I want. I seem to want two very different lives and I will not be content in the place I am. Unless I learn how to continue to be in the present and not continually be concerned with possibilities but rather take advantage of what is here. Whether that is on the general state of life or whether it is in the very present of being in Victoria with friends that I love. It is my challenge for this trip and for when I return home. It's a lesson that I need to be constantly reminded of.

"A big eyed fish,
Yeah, swimming in the sea,
Oh, how he dreamed.
He wants to be a bird, swooping, diving through the breeze.
One day, he caught a big blue wave up onto the beach,
And now he's dead, you see, a fish's dream, should stay in the sea.
But, oh God,
Under the weight of life
Things seem brighter on the other side."
- "Big Eyed Fish" from Dave Matthews Band's album "Busted Stuff"

A Temporary Return to Status Quo

Tonight, the small group from my church got together for the first time since Christmas and I noticed something different. I was actually participating quite a bit again. Which is good. Things are kind of going back to a sort of status quo.

I mean, it's a status quo that I really want to change, but at least I feel somewhat content right now. Uncomfortable, but content. Kind of like when you're holding someone's hand and it's all sweaty because you've been holding too long but it's not so bad because hey, you're holding somebody's (assumably a girl's) hand. I do realize that the metaphor in this case is not perfect but this is not some metaphor off, so screw it. What I am getting at is I want things to change for sure and progress forward and I have plenty of challenges ahead, but my emotional state is back to normal. It has settled for now.

I have received positive reinforcement about my plan to teach. With that I am facing some of the biggest financial and time management challenges that I have ever had to deal with. I don't know how it will all shake down, but I really need it to work out and that's why I am hoping that this is where I should be going. I am presently looking into my options to see what is possible.

For the last three weeks, I have been going to the free comedy nights at the King's Head Pub to see what it's all about and I am going to try to get in there and see what I can do. They have an alternative comedy night once a month and I would really like to see if I can pull it off in that context. It's essentially the style that I do when I perform at church, but this audience doesn't like me innately (except for, perhaps, my hot body).

So all in all, things are normal for me. I will still be haunted by what could have been but that has gone into the vault alongside so many other things that you really can't do anything with but learn from and accept. It's good to have my focus on moving forward because if I don't start pulling it together now, I will simply be adding more regrets to the list and that is something that none of us need.

"Where do we go, nobody knows

Don't ever say you're on your way down

When God gave you style and gave you grace

And put a smile upon your face"

- "God Put a Smile Upon Your Face" from Coldplay's A Rush of Blood to the Head

Bittersweet Me

Busyness is starting to set in again. My mind goes through this cycle of having brilliant flashes of ideas and events that I should do because it would be awesome. I agree to do speaking and acting engagements at the drop of a hat. That last one's not true. The people have to offer me free food and then I'm in. But I realize that I have once again potentially overloaded myself. Aside from having a full-time job, I am in the process of producing a new "24"-day extravaganza (which I am hyperexcited about), creating a special Saturday night service for my church, writing a new episode of Mr. Chapel, and I have agreed to speak at a camp next summer and if a new May long weekend event happens in the Covenant, there is a good chance I will be asked to help and because of the Covenant usually offers free food, I would most likely agree to it.

Really, it can cause me a lot of stress which is completely my fault because I am the one that agreed to it. It's not like any of it's an obligation per se. I just want to do it. I don't want to disappoint anyone and besides it's a great creative outlet.

But I was thinking about these creative flashes I get. When I have a lull, it's usually after I have just come off a marathon events that were booked back to back to back and I am simply recovering. And then I go through this stage of trying to get back and living life. Keeping up friendships and trying to become pseudo-mature by attempting to pursue my Renaissance Man ideal. And then I just find myself falling into the same trap of looking around and realizing that I don't like being around people. As I get older, I am getting more uncomfortable around people. I either don't know how to hold a normal conversation or I rather not talk to anyone about the same inane topics or I rather just shut myself off from the world. I feel like a stranger in a strange land with no money to leave. But then my creativity then kicks in and seems to be inspired with a whole bunch of events and activities to plan for. Suddenly, I don't have to worry about all that stuff. It gets shoved to the fringe of my life where I only have moments of reflection. It's kind of funny though, because all these things that I plan revolve around other people. Either entertaining them or encouraging them or teaching them. I love performing for them as long as I don't have to worry about figuring out how to draw close to them. It's just easier at arm's length.

Don't get me wrong, I love having friends and spending time with them. It's just even with friends, I have a wall that I don't let down very often. I have isolated myself from them and it kills me some times. I guess the question becomes what is more painful? The grinding isolation of my self-created cage or enduring open vulnerability and the confrontation with my disconnect with others? I'm too damned emo.

"I'd sooner chew my leg off,
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me
I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore"
- "Bittersweet Me" from R.E.M.'s New Adventures in Hi-Fi

I'm Hoping that at Some Point I Can Rate a Movie as "Shit Sandwich"

So I was on Breakfast Television today and it was a good experience. I've never been on TV or anything, and it was all so new. I had no idea what to expect, and I was feeling a little nervous about the whole thing, that I was going to trip on a cord and unplug everything, or accidentally fight the host until only one person walks away alive. But it was good. Jon made me feel right at home and as the segment went along I did alright for my first time. I even made the guy laugh a couple of times out loud. He asked me if "Definitely, Maybe" was a chick flick and I said, "Yes, it definitely is. It was a little awkward watching it with the roommate" and he lost it for a moment. That felt good. Afterward he was saying to other people that he found the new permanent movie review guy. Mind you, he could be just saying things as passing comments, especially since I was so close to fighting him. He had it coming. But with me now pacified, I think he may had been legitimate, so I might be back. I'm hoping that at some point I can rate a movie as "shit sandwich". I don't think it will happen though. It would be funny, but won't happen. Now, I have to focus on writing scripts for videos. Oh, man. So much to do...

The Delusion of Michael Scott

I was in a book store yesterday while I was on my trip out west. I was reading an article from a book about philosophy and the Office. The article was really interesting, talking about Michael Scott's delusion of being the popular, smart, funny, handsome guy despite evidence to the contrary. He ignores this evidence for the most part and lives in bliss. However, if ever confronted directly by the fact that he is not those things, he falls into a depression. He needs the delusion. While other philosophers and theologians say that it is important to discover and know oneself, it may actually hurt an individual such as Michael Scott.

I've been finding that I would like that delusion. Just keep pretending that I'm witty, fun, a heart-breaker, despite evidence to the contrary. Live in a blissful ignorance and not get wrapped up in my inadequacies. It would be be great. I wouldn't get caught up with things I can't seem to change anyway.

So far, I have been very good at maintaining the delusions for other people. People believe that I'm funny, smart, popular. The fact is that I'm just good at lying and bluffing. My humor is borrowed, my intelligence based on guesswork, and popularity assumed. But every once in a while a person finally realizes after they spend a decent amount of time with me that I am no more than an illusion I have created. And that is when I feel the worst. I know they see through the veil and that I am no more than a bumbling, crass fool. And you can't trick them again. They already know. Unfortunately, as of late, more and more people have seen through the illusion and I feel like crap.

My ongoing delusion of perceived connections to girls in my life is continually pulled back by the reality of the fact that they are just nice people who are nice to everyone. Nothing is better than starting to fall for a girl who you think you are connecting to and have the potential to date, only to find out that they have standards.

My continuing struggle to be original with sketches, comedy and talks is non-stop. I'm always on the brink of having nothing. And I still can barely perform them with the skill that they require. And of course, my grand failure at the stand-up competition. It's a little much sometimes.

Yet, people still ask me to do stuff. All because of the illusion I always promote. I keep pretending my stuff is good quality and advertise it as such and continue to fool people into accepting a lower quality of presentation. But even this illusion has started to fall apart and people will move on.

Hopefully I can maintain it long enough to actually produce something that is genuinely good. Something that I will be satisfied with. Something that I will be truly happy with and not something I pretend to be happy with.

A Swift Kick to the Shin Followed By a Merciless Running Away Before They Could Catch Me

I am looking forward to Saturday Night Live tonight. The show has been so good recently. Ever since Andy Samberg and Kristin Wiig has appeared on the show, it's been getting better and better. Especially since Samberg's addition along with his two friends from the "Lonely Island". Those guys are so creative and very much down the line of oddball humour that I still love to incorporate into my sketches. Many don't even realize how good SNL is anymore because they fall into that horrible trap that so many seem to.

Ask anyone why they've stopped watching SNL and the reason is almost always, "It's not as good as it used to be." Usually, it's connected to one or a handful of performers. People five years ago would always say "It used to be good when Farley, Sandler, Myers and Carvey were on there, now it's garbage." In the last couple of years, people said "It used to be good when Ferrell was on there, but now it's garbage." Why do people just give up on the show when there's cast changes? It will always get good again. It takes incredible talent to be able to create, practice and perform a full hour and a half worth of material all within in the course of one week. And the show goes through ups and downs, but the show will never become unwatchable. In fact, with the implementation of more and more video sketches, it's starting to really open up the potential of the show. It will also be good if they can veer away from sketch after sketch of talk shows that were so rampant two years ago and that's what they have been doing.

I mean, last week with the "First Human to Ever Dance" was so simple and yet so funny. I wish I would be able to come up with stuff like that. I try hard to be original with my stuff and I'm glad to be able to come up with the little that I have (not all of which is that original). Working on Saturday Night Live would be a dream. But I don't know if I could cut it, because I don't have that one thing. What is it? Oh yes, talent. I mean, I get some good stuff out there occasionally, but SNL writers are required to submit at least one original sketch every week. Considering I always feel like I have come up with the last original thing I could come up with, that would be so stressful.

That is why I am willing to defend Saturday Night Live against all naysayers with barbarian verocity and undying devotion. I would sacrifice my own child for that show. Or at the very least, my neighbour's cat being that I don't have a child that I know of. I would shoot a man dead who would dare speak ill against Andy Samberg or at least a swift kick to the shin followed by a merciless running away before they could catch me.

That's a warning to all you out there that do not respect the efforts of one of TV's greatest institutions. Be prepared for a stern shaking of my head that would put a confused look on even the most stoic face.