I Probably Should Pack Up Instead of Write This

Friday night's show went fairly well. We upped it a notch with lighting and giving me a mike. It was close to looking professional. Maybe it still wasn't quite there, but for me it was some big steps forward. When I looked out into the audience, all I saw were the bright lights and the silhouettes of people's heads. I realized I really haven't done a traditional style of theatre in a long time. It has usually been the simple "get-up-on-stage-and-do-something" kind of approach.

Anyway, it was good time and there was a positive reaction, however, I am a poor judge of the reaction, because even if they didn't like it, they would never say it to your face so any reaction would be under suspect. That said, when I was talking with people, they did mention parts that they really liked which is a more positive sign.


Here was the stand out favourite of the crowd that night. Sam Peterson was one of the highlights for me in this one.

Regardless, I was, like after I finished the last two shows, kind of sad when it was done. You put a lot of work into a show and then in an hour and a half, it's done. I was took a walk after the show to go get some food. I don't usually eat a whole lot on the day of a big performance and afterwards I did not want to make anything. So I went and got fast food. You know. Nutrition. As I was walking down the street, still wearing my suit and heavy coat, reflecting on the show and had that kind of lost feeling in the sense that I was so preoccupied for the last several weeks and now I have nothing to do. That's changing really soon, but there's nothing for me to prepare for and so I am in this strange eye of the storm.

Creative work takes up a lot of time unlike a retail or 9 to 5 type jobs. Sure, they're not usually physically draining or strenuous but they are consuming in a different way. Most of your time is centered around your craft. Some jobs get to leave their work at their workplace, but for me, the show is always lingering at the back of your mind. I know it must of been at least a little annoying for the guys at the Life Together house (along with other random friends) to have to hear about the ideas I had for sketches and videos, but that was what going on in my head. I had to. I am not able to just go and sit and hammer out ideas for a block of time and once the time was done, stop thinking about it.


Now, that the show is done, I was left on Saturday with nothing to do. I suppose I should've started packing up or some such nonsense like that, but I was looking for someone to hang out with because it seems I haven't done a whole lot of that in the light of the fact that I was prepping the show. The funny thing is that I was unsure of who to call. I think I wanted to hang out with someone that I can be comfortable around, just relax with, talk about things that matter, someone whom I would miss. However, most of those people either were busy or whom I assumed was busy. In the end, I spent the night just on my own and walked down to Osbourne. It was sort of nice, but kind of disappointing. So I did the only thing I knew how to do and started working on a new show. It wasn't exactly what I had envisioned for that night.


The thing is, I really can't be too upset about that. That's literally the kind of life I have chosen to live for the next while. One where I am working on shows and scripts. It's kinda like I have decided that the friend I am going to spend more time with is my stage persona than some of these other good friends of mine. In Nelson, I am not sure if I am going to find a lot of friends who are on the same general wavelength as me and my best friend might be my work which I don't know if I'll like a whole lot. We'll see.


As I write this, I have for the first time realized that I don't know a whole lot of people in Nelson. There are some contacts there, but not a lot of long time friends. Not like when I went to Providence or when I moved to the city. The last time I did this, I went to Covenant Bible College and I think the most important thing that happened there was that I got to redefine my life. These experiences may be challenging and perhaps not comfortable, but it may give me the thing I need to push myself forward. Interesting...


"Yeah, runnin' down a dream
That would never come to me
Workin' on a mystery, going wherever it leads
Runnin' down a dream"
- Tom Petty's "Runnin' Down a Dream" from his album "Full Moon Fever"

Soliloquy

I finally found a space in the day to write a little bit for the blog that wasn't one in the morning or during one of my mid-day writing sessions. I have been keeping myself fairly busy with the show, fitting into the rhythm of the Life Together house, dealing with finding people to take over the apartment, and making arrangements to head out to Nelson. Of course I figured this wasn't busy enough and decided to add in writing a puppet sketch and preparing the wrap-up to my yearlong Dungeons and Dragons campaign. Yes, that's right. I play Dungeons and Dragons. Wanna fight about it?

Anyway, in the whole process of this, I want to still keep some sort of record of the events going on in my life especially as this seems to be the start of the next phase of my adventure. I suppose the challenges in this place of my life is the same challenges I have always faced. I am still putting forth the best effort I can despite the lingering thoughts of self-doubt and pessimism, it's just now I am making bigger life-changing kind of decisions. I have always come out the other side rather in tact and this is going to be the same.

Living with the Life Together crew for the last couple of weeks has been great. I love being in this house and spending meals and devotional times with the guys and I can definitely see the value of this ministry. A quick overview for those unfamiliar: Life Together is a house where folks come together to live in community, encourage each other, reach out to the neighbourhood around them, engage in devotions and Biblical studies and generally build each other up. It's like a spiritual version of a sorority or fraternity. Anyway, I can see down the road wanting to engage in the great opportunity to live with people of like mind instead of an empty apartment by yourself. I suppose I have been reminded a lot recently through various avenues that people are not meant to be separated, but rather we are meant to live amongst each other. Be involved in each other's lives. I am seriously considering joining either the house in Winnipeg or Calgary next year. Actually, I encourage people in general to consider the option. It is something different and very much different than living in dorm. Trust me. It's way better.

The show has been coming along fairly well, which continues to surprise me. When one of these events are on the horizon, it seems at first that there is no way that I will be able to be create enough content, but leave it to the last two weeks for it to pull together. There are some parts I am really looking forward to and I am immensely pleased with the new camcorder that I purchased. It creates a level of quality that makes the old videos look like garbage. I'm optimistic for this show and I hope I can live up to what I imagine it to be.

I only have a couple of things that I am actively concerned about. One of which is finances with being able to balance everything and test the boundaries of what I will be able to handle. That's going to be up in the air until I actually make it to Nelson and find a job that will hopefully get me some traction and push back on the debt. Debt has been a little bit of an annoying part of my life in the last couple of years as it seems like I have been paying for that two bedroom by myself entirely too much and if there was just someone there, it would have helped me avoid the current state of affairs. Alas, I just have to deal and make wise choices.

The other thing I'm concerned about I just have to keep under my hat for now. It's nothing life-threatening, don't worry. It is a part of a bizarre time of my life and I have to balance it all.

Life right now is exciting and full of possibilities and I am looking forward to my tabula rasa and what I could do with it.

"Leaves are falling all around, It's time I was on my way.
Thanks to you, I'm much obliged for such a pleasant stay.
But now it's time for me to go. The autumn moon lights my way.
For now I smell the rain, and with it pain, and it's headed my way.
Sometimes I grow so tired, but I know I've got one thing I got to do...
Ramble On, And now's the time, the time is now, to sing my song."
- Led Zeppelin's "Ramble On" from the album "Led Zeppelin II"

Too Much To Say

I just got home last night and I can't bring myself to sleep quite yet. My mind is filled with a lot of thoughts right now. Thoughts of the future, memories of this summer, preparations for the wedding reception I am the master of ceremony for, the girl I can't stop thinking about, what am I going to do for the next couple of months while I live in Winnipeg, wrestling in my mind about my relationship with my mom. It is all tumbling around in my mind, and I still haven't unpacked from the summer yet.

Although, it may sound like I am complaining, but in actuality, I am quite exhilarated. Sunday will be a good day to recover from one adventurous summer and to take it easy. This week coming up will be one to reflect and prep for the next couple of months. I have a couple of months before I head west and I have some decisions to make and I hope I don't get so wrapped up in the future, that I forget to live in the present and make wise choices now.

On Monday, I plan on starting to develop my last comedy show for Winnipeg with the help of a very smart and organized friend and put something together that will be an appropriate good bye to the community that I have spent the last eight years with. I have a rough idea of how the show will be designed and I hope that I can pull it together in the midst of other important tasks that need to be done before one moves to another province.

There is so much I want to write, but it is late. I suppose I wanted to set the stage for myself to write down some various thoughts in the next while and I hope that in the midst of this time of change that I can crystalize those thoughts for the sake of later when I think back to this major turning point in my life. I will get to it later after this last crazy day.

"Such is the way of the world
You can never know
Just where to put all your faith
And how will it grow

Gonna rise up
Burning back holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold
And suddenly swallowed by signs
Low and behold

Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole"
- Eddie Vedder's "Rise" from the "Into the Wild" soundtrack

Traveling Preacherman

I have decided to quickly write up a little update to my blog as I have stolen Nathan's computer. I thought it might be important to crystalize for myself, some of the thoughts that I have been having as I have gone through my experiences this summer. Particularly since I am in a different place than when I left.

The last Early Night Show I did, I had a theme of how life kicks the crap out of you and how all there is left to do is pick yourself up again and push forward. For me, the summer has been really good for me personally. It has been busy and that's what I like especially if it's doing stuff I like. I have been writing scripts and working on talks. I have been performing and speaking to churches and youth alike. I have been doing work that I really enjoy.

In fact, I have been enjoying it so much, I wish I could do it all the time. It would so awesome just to continue to travel from place to place and doing whatever was needed wherever I was. I like the variety and meeting new people and that I can be creative in presenting games and ideas.

I have been learning a lot about myself and why I do the things I do and why I have done the things I have done. For the first couple of months in the summer, I have been talking to a counsellor and sorting through some of the things I have been dealing with internally and understanding my dark passenger.

I think one of the reasons I really like doing this style of ministry, is because I got to stay with billets. Some people really dread it and I can understand the downside of always having to be social, considerate, and polite as a guest in a home, but for me I really liked it. I think it has to do with the idea that I got to stay in a home with people that even for the few days we would stay there would care about me and what I was doing and where I was going. It was like having a surrogate family. This summer, I realized why I liked the surrogate family. It's because it was better than my own family.

Ever since my dad died twelve years ago, it was really the death of my own sense of family. Dad was my best friend and was more of the glue in the family than I realized. I've come to reflect on my experience with my growing up and noticed that although I may have spent more time with some of my friends from the school, I have had the most intimate and meaningful conversations with my dad. He was the one that would balance out my mom who I think had a hard time raising Darwin and myself. When he died, so did that balance.

The source of meaningful and even tolerable conversation in my home disappeared. I have had and continue to have trouble connecting with my family on a deep level and going to these places where families and individuals are more like family to me than my own has been good for me. At the same time, kind of tragic. I like to travel and go to these places to find a sense of home and learn how to have a family which is so backwards for so many others. I think that is why the ideal of a wanderer appeals to me so much.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the summer because the work has kept my mind busy and doing something that I feel is of value. I am putting my skills to work in a positive manner and getting encouraging feedback. I want to continue doing what I have been and am looking at opportunities to come into a situation and offer my unique set of skills and continue moving on.

I am considering the idea of short internships at various churches and looking to help with their dramatic presentations and youth programs. That way I can focus on writing and performing and introducing thought-provoking drama and comedy sketches to churches and looking to possibly establish a drama team for when I leave. In the event that my style is not appreciated, I would be moving on soon anyways and I would be helping in their youth programs with perhaps planning events and games and connecting with youth which any church could use.

I like the image of a traveling preacher who comes in and alongside a church and introduces new ideas and impacting the way things are done and challenging the body before moving on. It would use my abilities and shake things up a little bit. I believe that drama and comedy has a place in the realm of the church but it is not fully realized nor is it's potential understood.

Eventually, I will have to settle down and sort things out, but maybe this is what I need. I have felt more at home in the homes of strangers and maybe that it is where my home truly is for now. I can see what family looks like and acts like and most importantly feels like. Then I can start my own.

I don't fear for my future and I can see hope in what I am planning. It is almost reminiscent of the early apostles and the "Littlest Hobo", both of which are awesome. I think that's where I am going to leave it for now, but this has been a great summer and many other things are tumbling around in my head and I will talk about them later, but just know that I am happy and hopeful.

"There’s a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road is where I’ll always be

Every stop I make, I’ll make a new friend

Can’t stay for long, just turn around and I’m gone again.

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, I’ll just keep moving on.

Down this road, that never seems to end,
Where new adventure, lies just around the bend.

So if you want to join me for a while
Just grab your hat, come travel light – that’s hobo style.

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home."

- "Maybe Tomorrow" by Terry Bush

Day Eleven: Away I Go

I have been in Calgary a couple of days now and I have found it a little more relaxing. So much had to be done in Vancouver that it had a bit of a cloud over it. Not much, but I was always commuting somewhere or working on this or that. Here, since the bulk of things are done, I am relaxing more and reflecting more on my trip and the experiences and people I've met so far.

Everyday it feels like I have some significant conversation with someone or a strange encounter. Each one reminding me of where I am in relation to things. How I have changed so much and my perspective is becoming more and more uniquely my own. Each person has challenged or reinforced or encouraged me. This has been good for me and I am definitely glad I have decided to spend the money to do something I hadn't been able to in Winnipeg while I worked and that is to connect to other people. Theoretically, I could have done all of this in Winnipeg, but there are people I don't get to see or talk to often and besides I am getting fodder for conversations back home.

In essence I feel like I am going through my own personal version of "Away We Go". By the way, if you have not, go and buy it or rent it and watch it and fall in love with life again. You need to read that previous sentence with Will Ferrel's James Lipton impersonation from "Inside the Actor's Studio". Each place I go has it's own distinct feel and distinct impact and reflection. It has been great to help me prepare for the Camp Ministry Team that I will be doing this summer.

I am in a vastly different place now than I was when I first was on Covenant Bible College's TEAM back in 2002. The eight years have taught me, broken me and have grown me. I just noticed that I like to use a lot of lists of descriptions. Strange. Anyway, although my theology and outlook has changed, at the same time I am still the same essence of the person that I was before.

When I get back, I will be heading back into the crunch time of putting the show together and I hope it works out. I like to think about the grand picture and my place in it and all of that theoretical stuff, but I need to make sure I get the things done that need to get done. Get back to bringing the theoretical into the practical.

"Well I have been searching all my days,
All my days
Many a road, you know
I've been walking on
All of my days
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep changing into nights"
- "All My Days" from Alexi Murdoch's album "Time Without Consequence"

Restructuring

In case you haven't heard, I have been let go of my job at Roger's. It is a little strange to be at home for the whole weekend instead of work. I never had to worry about making plans with anybody because going to work was my plans. I was surprised that it was me that they let go, but I understand their decision at the same time. Funny enough, I was telling one of my employees that "There is restructuring going on, but don't worry, our store is doing fine and our jobs will be safe." And it was me who had faith in our job security and it was me who got the boot.

I remember talking about the six life paths in a blog a few months ago and this event just seems to highlight my lack of movement on those points and now I don't even have my job which was the one I was doing the best in aside from being couched in the Bystander path. Now, that's what's left.

Fortunately, if I was to leave Roger's, this is exactly how I would want to leave. I get severance and I get time. I have the chance to move away and get setup somewhere else and I have time to find a new job there. I don't know what I want to do about school yet, but it just happened so I am still trying to figure that out.

I know I have usually been ridiculously busy for a good portion of my adult life and I always wished I had just a little more time in my week. That's why I find it so strange to have an abundance of time. In fact, it's feels like too much time. It's like I have been thirsty and suddenly I thrown into the ocean and I'm drowning. "Yeah, I wish I had more time. Ah, that's enough. No, I'm good. Oh, no, too much! Too much! Too much!"

I am planning on using this time to go out west and see some friends that I have not seen in a long time. Maybe this break will be something nice before I move onto the next stretch of my life.

That's all I really have to say for now. I am trying to rest and reflect on my position and go from here.

"Honey, aren't you ready?

Don't you get it?

Even if you got nothing to lose,

Then baby, you got it all"

- "Nothing to Lose" from the Operator album "Soulcrusher"

A Temporary Return to Status Quo

Tonight, the small group from my church got together for the first time since Christmas and I noticed something different. I was actually participating quite a bit again. Which is good. Things are kind of going back to a sort of status quo.

I mean, it's a status quo that I really want to change, but at least I feel somewhat content right now. Uncomfortable, but content. Kind of like when you're holding someone's hand and it's all sweaty because you've been holding too long but it's not so bad because hey, you're holding somebody's (assumably a girl's) hand. I do realize that the metaphor in this case is not perfect but this is not some metaphor off, so screw it. What I am getting at is I want things to change for sure and progress forward and I have plenty of challenges ahead, but my emotional state is back to normal. It has settled for now.

I have received positive reinforcement about my plan to teach. With that I am facing some of the biggest financial and time management challenges that I have ever had to deal with. I don't know how it will all shake down, but I really need it to work out and that's why I am hoping that this is where I should be going. I am presently looking into my options to see what is possible.

For the last three weeks, I have been going to the free comedy nights at the King's Head Pub to see what it's all about and I am going to try to get in there and see what I can do. They have an alternative comedy night once a month and I would really like to see if I can pull it off in that context. It's essentially the style that I do when I perform at church, but this audience doesn't like me innately (except for, perhaps, my hot body).

So all in all, things are normal for me. I will still be haunted by what could have been but that has gone into the vault alongside so many other things that you really can't do anything with but learn from and accept. It's good to have my focus on moving forward because if I don't start pulling it together now, I will simply be adding more regrets to the list and that is something that none of us need.

"Where do we go, nobody knows

Don't ever say you're on your way down

When God gave you style and gave you grace

And put a smile upon your face"

- "God Put a Smile Upon Your Face" from Coldplay's A Rush of Blood to the Head

Facing Down a New Year

So here I am on New Year's Day. Shortly after midnight, I can hear people downstairs chatting about I don't give a crap. I can hear a couple very much in love softly talking in the next room. I needed to get away to a place away from the others for a few minutes and reflect.

Rebecca didn't show as just as I assumed she wouldn't. I mean, I admit that I hoped she would've but I have no idea what I would say if she did. But that is done. I don't have to give hope in that field of my life any more attention.

I don't know exactly what to expect in the new year. I feel cautiously optimistic. I know I am, in essence, starting from scratch. I have to cover some ground this year and really start pushing myself.

At this point, I feel school is on the horizon for me (although it feels like I'm changing my mind weekly). I figure that if I can get an education degree and start teaching then I can finally settle into an actual career. A career that I could be very good at.

My money situation is not in a very good place either. I really need a roommate. I need to double my efforts and help take the edge off of the strain. Despite this, I do not feel panicked about it, but I know that it is going to make my whole school situation even more difficult.

I need to embrace hope a little more and deny cynicism and pessimism. I keep being reminded of how I am turning 27 soon, which is the age a lot of major rock stars die. I don't know why that little piece trivia keeps surfacing like that (although do not worry, I am swimming in a lot of random trivial information). I need to reach out to my fellow man. I remember how I've told other people that you can't get wrapped up in yourself in the face of pain or you're going to wind up imploding.

For the first time in my life, I am looking at a new year in front of me that seems to have a lot of stacked challenges as I also bring with me a few too many wounds and disappointments from the previous year.

I can not be mad at God for my situation. I have been slowly for my situation. I have been slowly settling into this place and it would be silly of me to blame anyone but myself. Some times I merely hit some bad and unfortunate breaks but I have made my home in the shadow of my heart and my broken will has made me less of a good person than I once thought I was and would be.

My prayer for this year is that God gives me the insight and ability to rectify who I am and get back to my imagined persona of honour. I also pray for either the grace of God or my own innate insight to bring something good. I don't what that good thing should be. I used to think I knew, but I think I need help on this one.

All this said, I still stand by what I said. I am cautiously optimistic. I will need wisdom and determination this year, but I am looking for God to reinforce my weakening being. I believe He will and I hope that I am paying attention when it comes.

"Dear Prudence,

See the sunny sky.

The wind is low, the birds will sing, that you are a part of everything.

Dear Prudence,

Won't you open up your eyes?"

- "Dear Prudence" from The Beatles' White Album

Rae Family Christmas

I had a good time at the Andersons' for their Christmas dinner. It's amazing how many people that they invite to the meal as they extend the table by adding two addition tables that reaches into their living room. They have family and friends of all sorts, good food and good conversation.

What I appreciate about their family is that they are great example of how a family looks. They evidently love each other, share that with others and there isn't a falseness about it. They are inclusive to the guests at the table and there is a distinct sense of community. I have been blessed to get to come back here for the last several years. It's almost like I'm some sort of distant cousin.

Over the last couple of years though, I have been getting an itch. I am slightly uncomfortable as I approach their door. Not because of anything that they do. It is purely me. But I start thinking about how I am still requiring them to be my venue for a Christmas. If they didn't have them it would not be much of a Christmas at all. I have been trying to ween myself off of their dinners. The first couple of times I went, I was fine with that because I couldn't get home and I figured that it'd be a good thing. Now, I still need that dinner to have a Christmas and that doesn't sit right. For myself, a couple of times is fine, but now I feel like it's a sign of me not getting my life in order.

I really wanted to go home for Christmas. I wanted to go with Darwin back to Minnedosa and spend it with mom and have a semblance of a real Rae family Christmas which we have not had since 2003. Last year, the three of us were together but we still couldn't summon our own Christmas so we went to the Andersons'. This year was supposed to be different, but it turned out the same because I don't have a lot of money.

What it all comes down to is that I really want a family but I don't know how to create family. I see how the Andersons are at Christmas and I want that for my family. I realize that a lot of people are not the Andersons and I also realize that the Andersons assumably are not perfect (although evidence of that is not apparent), but that's what I want to work toward. I have no idea what that looks like. I saw it again last night as I was hanging out with my friends, Brad and Trish. They had their Christmas tree up and lights and little Christmas decorations that they put up together and gifts under the tree. When I saw how many gifts they had under there I was kind of taken aback. It means that either they bought a lot of gifts for each other (which I can totally see since they are definitely still in that lovey-dovey honeymoon phase) or that a lot of their family had sent them gifts. I'm not a big materialist and I don't want a bunch of stuff at Christmas or anything, but they definitely had a connection to their family and possibly to their extended family that I do not. The Andersons have so many in their family they have to do an arrangement of one person gets one other a person a gift instead of requiring everyone to buy a gift for everyone in their battalion. They have too many people for Christmas. I have to buy two and I'm done. And I have a ridiculous extended family.

Both my mom and my dad come from the generation of ridiculous family sizes. My dad had something like nine brothers and sisters and mom had eleven or vice versa. But we don't see any of them. I don't really know any of them. I think the state of my family is evident in the fact that I don't even know the number of them. I have tried to go and see some of them, I try to talk to them at funerals (which is the only way I have seen my family). I know I am not blameless in this because I have family in the city that I don't see but I haven't carved out time for them.

Admittedly, an extended family the size of mine is perhaps a little much for a person to try to keep current with, but I don't even have this family thing figured out enough to have a proper Christmas with them. That doesn't seem right to me.

That's why when I go to the Andersons for the nth time or see Brad and Trish's tree I regret the state I am in. I thought this Christmas was going to be different. That I was going to make it different, but I didn't have the discipline to do it. When I was with Rebecca, I was actually looking forward to Christmas, because I thought I could make it different. Move towards a family. However, I have to come back and leach another Christmas for my brother and I from a family that knows family.

Don't get me wrong. I love the Andersons and their welcome for my family to the table. I don't want this post to come off as an attack on them. If anything, I want them to know that they are the model of family I want to emulate for my own. It just sort of hurts to go there. Just a little.

This all said, I am thankful to God for growing up in a family, broken and lacking as we are, that is not an abusive one. One where we know each other's faults and want what's good for each other, it's just that we can't seem to pull it together. I am thankful for a brother that is my reminder of a life of simplicity. A life that is content with who he is. I am thankful for a mother who has done her best to bring me closer to a savior that she strives to follow. I am grateful to have found a church family that in times of need are willing to bring me into their family. I am grateful to have some fantastic people who are there to encourage me and challenge me when I need it most. I am thankful for the example of Jesus that gives me a structure to develop myself as a better person.

I am thankful for Christmas, not only as an important religious holiday to remind us that Jesus has come to show us the way and also to remind us that he will come again, but I am also thankful for it as a cultural day to reaffirm the importance of family. Families can be the shelter that helps us through the rough spots and give us the encouragement to become better people and better followers of Christ.

"Is there a cure among us?

From this processed sanity?

I weaken with each voice that sings

In this world of purchase

I'm gonna buy back memories

To awaken some old qualities"

- "Run" from Collective Soul's Dosage

Charting a Course that Leads to Home

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. For the last month or so, I have been trying to figure out a plan for next year. Amidst a few major changes in what I was planning, I now need to have a strong back up. The funny thing is that every time I talked to someone about what I'm up to, I've given a different answer. I'm processing a bunch of different scenarios. I was thinking about my tour which is starting to feel like less and less of a possibility for me. At least in the way I want.

I was thinking about going to Australia or some such place for a while to go and do something different. I don't know what I expected to find there. And I'm unsure of the financial viability of that.

Now I'm thinking about going back to school in the fall. I was really hoping to avoid heading back to school, mainly for the reason that if I did go back I would most likely have to start from the beginning of a degree. I don't if I can just take on that much more school. And for the longest time, I didn't really know what I would even want to pursue there.

I do realize that it seems like I sound like I'm flaky and can't make a decision for myself. I think that that statement is accurate. I don't know. I haven't ever really known. I had my dreams which weren't really something I wanted to gamble on but I had no back up. I couldn't see where I lived in reality. On top of it, I haven't really had anything to fight for and to spur me on. My motivations had to be internal ones and all my inner self has wanted to do was play video games and hang out.

I'm now in a place where I find that living the way I have been is empty. Games don't keep me occupied. Friends are busy and are unavailable. I got to get with the program. I needed to find my internal motivation.

Damon Lindeloff, one of the executive producers and head writers of Lost, talked about bringing on new writers into the production of the show and he said that each person brings about ten thousand hours of experience to the table. Some people have focused on a few areas and others have a breadth of knowledge. But no matter who it is, they have a pool of experience that they have. I thought it was interesting to look at it in that way, because even if you haven't had a lot of schooling or time spent in training, you still have an enormous amount of time that you've spent experiencing and learning.

It was kind of encouraging and gave me a starting point to consider my future and where I can use my experience. And I've come to realize that the majority of my experience involves kids. Spending time with them, counseling them, entertaining them, preaching to them, and teaching them. I never thought that I was ever the greatest with them, but they seem to like me and I love making them laugh. I always used the youth events as a platform to practice my performance and writing. In the end, maybe all of that was merely a vehicle to get me into a place of understanding kids.

I really don't want to be a youth pastor or anything like that, but maybe I could be a teacher. I remember helping my friends in math classes and helping them understand the new concepts that we were learning. Apparently, to become a teacher you need a degree and a certain amount of teachables and it turns out that drama can qualify as a major or a minor. If all my stuff can transfer from Providence, then I could possibly be within reach of getting my qualifications for the education program within a year. Then I can do another two years of education and be on my way to doing something as a career that I've been doing for years.

I never thought that I was really cut out to be in the realm of show business. Mostly due to a lack of confidence and a lack of drive. I always felt that I was tolerable and average, but I loved doing it and so I'd do it for fun. But I don't think I can do what it really takes to embrace that life.

A teacher might be something that I'm suited for. I'm good with kids and I love to help others understand concepts. Isn't that what a teacher should be?

When I compare this idea to the one of doing a tour, I feel more at peace or somber or something. I can see myself walking in and putting down my backpack and writing something on the whiteboard and feeling at home. When I think of a tour, I think about both the great times but also the frustration that comes from people. People who disappoint. I can feel the weight of something that is bigger than I can handle by myself, but I don't know of someone who can help. With teaching, it seems manageable. It also has this essence of me bowing out. Realizing that although the world of show business and theatre might be fun, it is not me.

One of the themes of Tolkien was one of knowing your place in the world. We sometimes wish for something that is really not meant for us and so are dissatisfied with the place where we fit. Being in a place of where you do not fit will only hurt in the end. I would like to think that I as approach a new year, I have finally charted a course that leads to home.

"Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

- "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac from their self-titled album

Full Circle

It's been a little while since I have come back to my blog and I think that it's funny that they last post is in a place where I once again find myself. As I reflect on these last ten months, it's weird to think that I have come full circle. I was searching for a major change. But I couldn't find it. My scenario really didn't change. I found myself treading into a darker and darker place. I went to Toronto with my brother in order to get away and reflect about what I should do. I had a great encounter with my friend, Michelle, who gave me some encouragement and advice. I then went to speak at Covenant Bay Bible Camp and caught a glimpse of a change. I wanted to not have to feel like I have to settle.

I came back to Winnipeg and got the idea for perhaps doing a new sketch comedy tour. It gave me a goal.

Then came along Rebecca. I won't get too much into it, but one thing that I was enjoying was how things seem to have finally looked like they were progressing. Like I was getting things together. I had a glimpse of a life of hope and a place of what I should be doing and I was moving there.

It all changed, though. I screwed it up. There's not much there to defend me. I found out who really am behind it all, and it turns out that I'm not as good as I thought. I mean, I never had the idea that I was perfect, but I always imagined that I was a higher caliber of guy who just hadn't found his niche. It turns out that I'm not. I'm just another guy who doesn't know who he is. Which is really, honestly disappointing.

I am back at the place ten months ago. I want change. I want to change. I have nothing here. I want nothing here. Well, almost nothing here. I lost my love for people. I lost my love. I lost love. I don't have a desire to do anything. I am passing time, it feels.

Rob reminded me of a Smashing Pumpkins song and the line "I'm in love with my sadness" and if I become like that, he is going to punch me. He's got a good point. I gotta keep on the positive side. And it's been difficult to do so. Really, what I would like is to want. I want desire. I've been so concerned with making other people happy and seeing things from other's perspectives for so long that the idea of what I want has been bleached away and faded. Who is David Rae? I don't know. A lot of people don't really try to look into who I really am and my reflective side. They think I am the guy on stage. People who know me better tell me I'm a hard guy to pin down. That the line between me and my sarcasm is blurred. Now, I fear I may have actually fooled myself this whole time. That even I do not know who I am. Maybe I have to go find him.

"When everything starts to fall

So fast that it terrifies you

When will you hit the wall?

Are you gonna learn to fly?

No one would believe it

Except for all the people

Watching as you fly away

Baby when I get home

I want to pick up the pieces

Hammer in the final nail

And lean me up against Jesus"

- "Time Bomb" from Dave Matthews Band's Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King

Times Like These

I've been feeling that something needs to change. It's been the same old same old. It seems like the last three years have just been playing on repeat. Recently, I've been trying to find ways to get out of the lull but nothing has been really working. I've been rather disappointed with myself and the circumstance I find myself in. In the next little while, I think I need to do something big and get my story going and find the place where I'm supposed to be. It's a little tiresome being in this place and having relatively little change.

Of course, the other side to this is maybe this is just part of life. That uncomfortability of where you are is just the nature of change that humans look for. Maybe I'm in a blessed because I am not tied down to anything. There is nothing holding me back. I can make a huge change and it won't really affect too much.

The question is. What kind of change do I need?

"I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight
I, I'm a little divided
Do I stay or run away and leave it all behind?
It's times like these that you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again"
-"Times Like These" from Foo Fighters' One By One

Sex or Pie Would Be Just Fine

My new roommate has moved in! It ends the three month dry spell of no roommate. And it's not some stranger. He's a guy I went to Prov with. He's even met some of my non-Prov friends at a party at my place a month and a half ago (My infamous "Pre-Decemberween Celefest & Apple Cider and Juice Menagerie 2006"). People must have liked him, because the next day, there were even girls asking about him (and yes, he is single).

However, there are concerns. I mean, the guy is great and everything. But he's clean. I've been described as "not". It's fine, but I always feel bad, because I know that if the apartment is messy, he will notice it. And he will notice that I am not cleaning it. I always figure, "it's not that messy" and then I'm paranoid that other guy is thinking that I'm just sitting on my butt. And then I feel really bad when the guy is cleaning, because I'm not cleaning as well and yet I don't want to clean, I want to rock and roll all night.

I mean, the guy moved his stuff in and then the first thing he did was wash some of my dishes that I got dirty. I intervened, but I don't like this. This guy is gonna cause me to become disciplined and I don't like that. My slothful lifestyle was going great and now it's being ruined. I mean, how am I supposed to be one of those guys that the ladies want to fix up and make better if this guy is forcing me to be cleaner by association? Isn't that what women want? A guy that doesn't do anything and then the girl is going to love him and make him a better man and then he will do so because he loves her. At least that is what the guy has her believe, but really it's just a facade that he puts up so that he can get sex. Or pie. Sex or pie would be just fine. Depending on the mood I'm in.

I mean, why would anyone want somebody that lives with you and actually helps out at the start? That will just lead you to disappointment. If you go for the lazy, dirty guy, then you can tell yourself, "it can't go downhill from here". But you're wrong. It can only go downhill. Unless you give me sex or pie. Then I'll think about it.

The Delicacy of Skunk Intestinal Tract

I was recently told by Michelle to "broaden my horizons" and "try new foods". I was taken aback. Trying new foods? How could you say that to me? I've invented foods! Let's remember "chocolate beer". The brilliant concoction of root beer and chocolate milk. That was me!

However, I'm not as self-righteous as others, so I decided that I would try something different. Stef and I headed to Boston Pizza and I went with some foreign chicken pasta dish of sorts. I figured, "it's chicken, it can't suck." Turns out, I was wrong. The stuff was like noodles with grilled beaver hide and a weird spice to "zest things up".

Apparently "zesting things up" is just a fancy phrase for pouring dirty mop water all over something else.

However as bad as it was, I was taken aback when all of a sudden I was taken to a new level of disgust after a particular bite. I assume it was the delicacy of skunk intestinal tract that found it's way onto my fork, into my mouth and into the bottom of the toilet of my stomach. The thing is that I have this thing where if I pay for food, I will eat as much as I can handle.

The other bazaar thing about the meal was the fact it came in this odd bowl that seems to be designed so that noone else at the table can see it's contents. Clearly, the restaurant knows that the things is wretched and thus must take steps to hide it from others.

On top of all this, I had to pay something like $14 for it! C'mon! You've got to be joking. I mean something is seriously wrong with this.

Then I looked up what "broadening your horizons" means and it turns out means wasting time, money and dignity for your digestive system.

Michelle, I personally hold you responsible for this.