The Other David Rae

I have a doppleganger. His name is David Rae, he lives in Oregon, is involved with his fraternity and seems to have quite a few friends that love hanging out with him. How do I know so much about him? Because I frequently receive his email that gets mistakenly sent to my account. It's because there is a difference of one letter in our email address. It's a bit amusing because I'll receive an email from someone that I don't know and as I read it I realize this has nothing to do with me, I scroll to the end and find out that the person originates from the west coast which gives me relief that I don't have to put together some major event that I had completely forgotten about and I promptly forward it to the correct (and by the sounds of it more successful) version of David Rae.

Anyways, I recently received congratulations for my wedding. I mean his wedding. It was in the last few weeks and as I sent it off to him, I added my own greeting to it.

It's kind of fun to have these quick snapshots of another guy with my name. I don't try to snoop or anything, it's just that I have read numerous first paragraphs of his emails.

I was thinking about that a bit today as the girl I dated just under a year ago is getting married today. In fact, as I write this, she's probably at her reception or something. It's strange to think that I could have been married today and that those congratulatory emails would have been address to me and not the Other David Rae.

I know that it most likely would not have worked out with her (because she never could pick up on my apparently hard to follow sarcasm) but none the less I can tell you that I would not be sitting in my sweet Batcave-like office in Nelson writing scripts and books and doing something completely different with my life in a land that I don't quite understand.

It's like I am living in a parallel universe and every once in a while, I get an email that sent to the wrong one universe. Many people who know me know that I think about that other world. Maybe it's one of the reasons I am so fascinated with time travel as a literary device. The idea of what would it be like if things would be different. It might be a neat exercise in imagination, but ultimately it has nothing to do with now and who I am here. Apart of the aspects of having the inability to change the past is so that way we try to make the best possible choices. If I could go back and change things and make it the way I would want, I would also not be me. I would not develop as a person and gain wisdom and experience. All my time would be spent going back and perfecting everything that I am not really enjoying it.

I played Civilization a lot and in that game, I would save my game right before attempting to take over a new city and then attack. If it didn't turn out because I lost too many guys or my guys were simply not strong enough to take on the defenders, then I would just hit the reload button and try again or wait another turn when I would send in even more guys. However, in those war campaigns of mine, I would spent so much time trying to get the result I wanted that the game took so much longer and ultimately not that enjoyable.

What is more interesting is when people face conflicts and every once in a while fail and then become better because of it. I find that I have to keep reminding myself of that. I can't focus on what could have been or wondering if I screwed up, because it takes me out of the enjoyment and the development of where I am now.

Hopefully, after today, I don't have to keep looking over to the David Rae who could have been married right now, but rather realizing that the things that happened have made me who I am. If I would have reloaded the game and instead be the Other David Rae then I wouldn't be truly the right man. I would be the doppelganger.

"I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The Christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up"

- "Wishlist" from Pearl Jam's "Yield" album

B112

I wanted to write a short post on the last day of being in the old apartment. This is probably the first time that I have had to actually do a true move since I was living back in Minnedosa with the family. I say that because the other times I went from one place to another, I could do it in one truck load because I barely had any furniture to speak of. This time, I have couches, beds, desks, tables and a TV to move. What's more, I have five years of stuff sitting here. I was making all sorts of choices as to what was worth keeping and what was garbage to be thrown out. It was admittedly a little strange to hand off my couch at the Jackson Hole and throw out stuff I would never normally throw out.

I know this may sound contradictory to the previous post where I said I didn't care about what was furnishing my place, but it's not because I want all the stuff. It was more that the stuff I had meant something to me or had memories attached to it. Some good, some bad. I could do without a lot of stuff, but stuff also are reminders of times gone by with folks. My memory is not so good some times and I don't remember all the times I've experienced but to see something that wakes up a past event and makes it real for a moment. I think that's why we hold onto a lot of things.

I, however, have to cut out a lot of things because I need to have the freedom to move often and without a lot of hassle. I can't store anything with my family and so I have to choose what stays and what goes. Today, I threw out old letters and thank you notes (after I read them one more time). The most major item I threw out was Dad's old bowling shoes. I did it because I realized that I never go bowling anymore and they are in terrible condition and I had nowhere to put them. When I made the decision to toss them, however, I was stricken with a sharp sadness. As I carted them off to the garbage bin, I was looking at them and remembering how my dad bought them used and had used black marker to draw two little arrows on the toes. I asked him why would he do that and he jokingly replied "So that it points me down the centre of the lane." However, his drawing was a little shaky and the arrow on the right toe kind of pointed off to the left and I pointed that out to him and he said that he'll just have to turn his foot. I am sitting here at the keyboard and can not even word the mixed emotion of it. So I guess I won't.

In the movie "Saving Private Ryan", Private Ryan is talking to Captain Miller about how he can't remember any memories of his now deceased brothers. He can't picture them or hear their voices. Captain Miller responds that you can't just remember without context. When he thinks of home, he thinks of the hammock in the back yard or his wife pruning the rosebushes. For me, the context of some of those memories are in some of the things I have.

Don't get me wrong. This is good for me and I am excited. This apartment holds some of the darkest times in my life, but it's still apart of me and these useless items that I cannot take with me also hold memories.

This move turned out to be a little tougher than I thought.

"I know we don't live here anymore
We bought an old house on the Danforth
She loves me and her body keeps me warm
I'm happy here
But this is where we used to live

Broke into the old apartment
Tore the phone out of the wall
Only memories, fading memories
Blending into dull tableaux

I want them back"
- "Old Apartment" from the Barenaked Ladies' album "Born on a Pirate Ship"

Get a Move On Already

It has been a recurring thing with me recently in that things in my life are in perpetual flux and I have to make many decisions whereas before I was in a self-enforced state of pause. The most recent example has surrounded my process of getting rid of my apartment. Originally, I planned to get someone to take over in October, but it was suggested to me that I should post an ad early because it would go better for me if I give people as much of a heads up as possible. Turns out that as soon as I had posted the ad on Kijiji people immediately responded to the ad and they were wanting to move in September 1st. It caught me off guard to the point that I didn't even have the appropriate paperwork ready. It was probably a good problem to have, but it has definitely bumped up my time table. Now, I am moving within the week. For one month, I am going to move in with the Life Together folks and then from there head to Nelson. I didn't even get to settle into the old apartment and I'm heading back out into the next phase of my life which I am labeling the "Hobo Years".

I couple of things have been going around in my head since this development, one being the fact I am moving from the place I have lived for the last five years and now I have no place for my things. It will all be borrowed for the next long while. I am going to be leaving some items at the Life Together house and taking only the essentials. Clothes, bedding, toiletries, my video camera and computer. I will officially be homeless in that I won't be paying for my own place for a while. My little living area will be borrowed. For me, I am excited to be free of such responsibilities. I am now turning into a guest in another home for a while, but it is a different scenario than when I am paying for my place directly. It is going to be an adventure like the video games I always played. I am going to a place to complete a quest along with some side tasks. Yes, nerdy I know, but at the same time very accurate. Plus I am doing the thing that I always wanted to devote more time to, but was unsure of how I could do it.

The other I was thinking about could be epitomized from my encounter with Lance on Saturday. Greg and I went over to his place and chilled out in his new hot tub and were catching up with each other. Lance and Char are in the middle of renovating their backyard and we started talking about the future projects including the completion of his deck, a patio and in general transforming it into something that sounds awesome. I should probably clarify that. Greg and Lance discussed that. I sort of stayed quiet. I didn't know much about that kind of stuff, because I've never thought about it. It never interested me. Greg however, was able to keep pace with Lance and had clearly considered that kind of stuff before. Mind you, Greg does work in construction.

He is, however, not the only one of my friends who has some idea of what their future home would have. People in my small group can talk about their homes/future homes and what they would have or are going to do with their home or what they want to change and how they'd do it. I do my best to feign interest, but I couldn't care less about that stuff.

For the last five years I was going to put up posters in my bedroom to spruce it up, but I never got around to it. In fact, I don't think that the room was a hundred percent cleaned. The thing was, I didn't care. The only reason I wanted to do that was because I figured that what normal people do. They want their room to be unique and reflect who they are. So they decorate or arrange things in the way that portrays their personality not so much for the sake of showing off, but for their own sake of expression. That's what I assume anyway. I don't care what that room looks like. I store clothes and spend my time being unconscious in there. Why would I care what it looks like? I didn't decorate my room to be a reflection of who I am, because I didn't care what it looked like and thought it was unnecessary work and thus it ironically became a reflection of who I am.

My living space is where all my decorations are. However, all the things that I have populated my apartment with came from convenience. All my furniture was either stuff that my old roommates had and then left with me when they moved or were standees from work. When a promotion of a new movie had come to an end, I would take the standee of a character or the poster home because I thought, "Sweet, here is a free shelf and it makes it look like I tried to decorate." Aside from two posters, I didn't buy anything to add to my home. Not dishes, not towels, not furniture (except for a TV and the game systems). I have never improved my home. The decorations are purely there because other people put up stuff in their home and I wouldn't have to hear the comments like, "The walls look so barren".

The reason this has stuck out to me is because I am closing up shop here and there is nothing to close up. I don't care for any of it. The reason I'm making arrangements to leave it here in the city is so that when I return I don't have to go through the drudgery of having to find new furniture and have to spend money on it. It's not the money part that bothers me, but rather the whole fact I have to spend any time and any money on something I don't care about at all. It's just that unless you want to be a furnitureless weirdo, you have that stuff so that you can make a house more hospitable and inviting.

Some would say, "Dave, that stuff doesn't matter. A home is about the people inside." Yes, true. But finding a girl who doesn't care about that stuff too, would be mighty difficult. A lot of perception of what is needed to create a space for a family comes from how you approach your home. If I don't even care a little bit about the space I live, then I don't really care about the space when other people are there.

There is a security that comes with a home. An idea that this is a space where a family is safe to be and I have a hard time with that. I really don't care about that space and my fear is that if I don't care about setting up a home that I wouldn't really be caring for my future family.

It all boils down to this. I have been standing at a crossroads for nine years. Do I choose the life of a performance artist and devote my time and lifestyle to becoming a better one or do I choose to become responsible for my future family and pursue a stable home and income. I've to the point that I've realized that I have been standing at that fork in the road for so long and realized that I haven't chosen and now I will have difficulty pursuing either due to my lack of decision.

I think the main reason I haven't chosen is because I do not want to choose the wrong one. If I choose to pursue comedy, I may not succeed well enough to be able to build a home for a family. If I choose the stable life, then I may yearn for a life of doing what I want to do and blame it on the family that held me back. So I have instead chosen a safe life. I had a job and stuck with it to at least pay off debts and have benefits and I would do the safe approach of doing skits for free at youth retreats just so that I had an avenue to do some but not really pushing myself. It's like the parable Jesus about the talents. I didn't want to risk anything, so I wound up taking my talents and burying them in the sand and at the end of the day, not having anymore than when I started.

Now, I am finally choosing, perhaps way too late to go and do my passion. I am turning away from building my home and a lifestyle that I could bring a family into. It scares me a little. Especially since I have found a girl that I care for and who cares for me because I am not sure what I will have at the end of this choice to offer her.

In the end, I have to do this. I can't stay still anymore. I have to choose and not let "what ifs" hold me back at a fork in the road. I have finally figured out that I would rather walk a path that may lead to failure than go nowhere at all.

"In the far off distance
As my taillights fade
No one thinks to witness but they will someday
Feel like a question is forming
And the answer's far
I will be what I could be
Once I get out of this town"
- Pearl Jam's "Gone" from their self-titled album

Pay Off

It's strange how it can feel like you have all the time in the world and at the exact same moment feel like you are running out of time. I have nowhere to really be today. I am waiting to hear back from a couple of places to see what I'm going to be doing for the summer. I have a month to construct another show. I am leaving for a trip on Sunday. I have delayed choosing my courses. There is a lot happening and yet, not really anything.

It's kind of funny to see how everything is essentially busy work. I am just filling my time. I have wanted to go back to school not because I love to go to school, but to get a new degree so I can do something different. I originally wanted to find a job that wasn't Rogers for the rest of my days. I want a job that I can tolerate. But that job will be doing the same thing. Filling my time.

I am so bored with life. I mean, I get to spend my days sitting under a tree and working in my book or reading, but it loses it's tranquility after two days. I am just filling my time. I don't care to play video games that much anymore. It's all the same. You go around this that or whatever and it's the same. It's just filling time.

I have all this time to spend with people and I'm starting to get bored of people now, too. The conversations start to look the same. The only thing I am interested in is the things other people care about so that I could give some insight and perspective. Tackle it like any other problem. Here's the thing, when you have something you care about, then you have something to do. When someone is bothered by something and doesn't know how to tackle it, I can give some advice and I am engaged on behalf of them.

With what is happening, there are plenty of good things. I can start over and get a chance to reconstruct the game, but it is also putting me into the scenario that I have come to truly hate. I have to invest in something. Time, money, care, whatever it may be into something to make the thing worthwhile. A good story involves giving you a payoff for investing your time into the story. It builds and builds, bringing you into the story and then when the conclusion comes, it pays off.

I think the reason I hate investing in anything real, is because the pay off rarely has been worth the investment for me. Whatever it may be. I mean not all the time for sure, but rarely. I've felt that I have made a lot of wrong choices. Not necessarily bad choices, but ones that just turn out to be the wrong ones. Usually, it will be one of those things where it could turn out awesome or turn out not awesome and for whatever reason, it lands in the not awesome category.

I remember back when I was younger and the pop companies would have the instant win under the cap of the bottles every once in a while. And it would be something like a 1 in 6 chance of winning a free drink. Here's the thing, I would buy their brand of drink just in the hopes that every once in a while I would get a break and get a free one. Obviously I didn't think I was going to win all the time, but just once in a while. I easily bought twenty of those things and I had maybe one win. Meanwhile, my buddy Erik seemed to win something like 1 in 3. I swear, it was ridiculous.

I see this silly example of how things I have invested in has gone. I tend to take big risks and those losses have been hard. Whether it was Mr. Chapel or dating a girl or signing a lease on the hopes that I can find a roommate. Thus this has led me back to being bored. I don't want to invest my time and money and heart into people or projects. The chances of it paying off, doesn't seem to be in my favor. Yet, if I no longer want to be stuck in a purgatory of filling my time, I have to find that thing that I will care about.

"How to keep people at arms length and never get too close

How to mistrust the ones who you supposedly love the most

How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone

How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps

A course of a lifetime you'll never forget"

- "Eight Easy Steps" from Alanis Morissette's album "So-Called Chaos"

What Just Happened?

Today was a strange day. I was happy. I was sad. I was angered. I was twisting. I was hopeful. I was jaded. I was laughing. At the end of it all, I am just sitting here. I don't know what to think of it all. Some days just pass with nothing that happens. The day ends as it began. This day was not like that. Things have shifted. It was like today was really significant but I don't know how. Like there are a bunch of red herrings and only later will I realize what was really significant after the mystery has been solved. It's strange and yet a good place to be. It's good to be wondering what will happen next instead of knowing what to expect and dreading it.

"And I walk out the door

Get blown wide open

By the things I'd put away

And I wasn't even warned

Just blown wide open

By the mess is where I lay"

- "Blown Wide Open" by Big Wreck from their album "In Loving Memory of..."

A Temporary Return to Status Quo

Tonight, the small group from my church got together for the first time since Christmas and I noticed something different. I was actually participating quite a bit again. Which is good. Things are kind of going back to a sort of status quo.

I mean, it's a status quo that I really want to change, but at least I feel somewhat content right now. Uncomfortable, but content. Kind of like when you're holding someone's hand and it's all sweaty because you've been holding too long but it's not so bad because hey, you're holding somebody's (assumably a girl's) hand. I do realize that the metaphor in this case is not perfect but this is not some metaphor off, so screw it. What I am getting at is I want things to change for sure and progress forward and I have plenty of challenges ahead, but my emotional state is back to normal. It has settled for now.

I have received positive reinforcement about my plan to teach. With that I am facing some of the biggest financial and time management challenges that I have ever had to deal with. I don't know how it will all shake down, but I really need it to work out and that's why I am hoping that this is where I should be going. I am presently looking into my options to see what is possible.

For the last three weeks, I have been going to the free comedy nights at the King's Head Pub to see what it's all about and I am going to try to get in there and see what I can do. They have an alternative comedy night once a month and I would really like to see if I can pull it off in that context. It's essentially the style that I do when I perform at church, but this audience doesn't like me innately (except for, perhaps, my hot body).

So all in all, things are normal for me. I will still be haunted by what could have been but that has gone into the vault alongside so many other things that you really can't do anything with but learn from and accept. It's good to have my focus on moving forward because if I don't start pulling it together now, I will simply be adding more regrets to the list and that is something that none of us need.

"Where do we go, nobody knows

Don't ever say you're on your way down

When God gave you style and gave you grace

And put a smile upon your face"

- "God Put a Smile Upon Your Face" from Coldplay's A Rush of Blood to the Head

Facing Down a New Year

So here I am on New Year's Day. Shortly after midnight, I can hear people downstairs chatting about I don't give a crap. I can hear a couple very much in love softly talking in the next room. I needed to get away to a place away from the others for a few minutes and reflect.

Rebecca didn't show as just as I assumed she wouldn't. I mean, I admit that I hoped she would've but I have no idea what I would say if she did. But that is done. I don't have to give hope in that field of my life any more attention.

I don't know exactly what to expect in the new year. I feel cautiously optimistic. I know I am, in essence, starting from scratch. I have to cover some ground this year and really start pushing myself.

At this point, I feel school is on the horizon for me (although it feels like I'm changing my mind weekly). I figure that if I can get an education degree and start teaching then I can finally settle into an actual career. A career that I could be very good at.

My money situation is not in a very good place either. I really need a roommate. I need to double my efforts and help take the edge off of the strain. Despite this, I do not feel panicked about it, but I know that it is going to make my whole school situation even more difficult.

I need to embrace hope a little more and deny cynicism and pessimism. I keep being reminded of how I am turning 27 soon, which is the age a lot of major rock stars die. I don't know why that little piece trivia keeps surfacing like that (although do not worry, I am swimming in a lot of random trivial information). I need to reach out to my fellow man. I remember how I've told other people that you can't get wrapped up in yourself in the face of pain or you're going to wind up imploding.

For the first time in my life, I am looking at a new year in front of me that seems to have a lot of stacked challenges as I also bring with me a few too many wounds and disappointments from the previous year.

I can not be mad at God for my situation. I have been slowly for my situation. I have been slowly settling into this place and it would be silly of me to blame anyone but myself. Some times I merely hit some bad and unfortunate breaks but I have made my home in the shadow of my heart and my broken will has made me less of a good person than I once thought I was and would be.

My prayer for this year is that God gives me the insight and ability to rectify who I am and get back to my imagined persona of honour. I also pray for either the grace of God or my own innate insight to bring something good. I don't what that good thing should be. I used to think I knew, but I think I need help on this one.

All this said, I still stand by what I said. I am cautiously optimistic. I will need wisdom and determination this year, but I am looking for God to reinforce my weakening being. I believe He will and I hope that I am paying attention when it comes.

"Dear Prudence,

See the sunny sky.

The wind is low, the birds will sing, that you are a part of everything.

Dear Prudence,

Won't you open up your eyes?"

- "Dear Prudence" from The Beatles' White Album

Charting a Course that Leads to Home

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. For the last month or so, I have been trying to figure out a plan for next year. Amidst a few major changes in what I was planning, I now need to have a strong back up. The funny thing is that every time I talked to someone about what I'm up to, I've given a different answer. I'm processing a bunch of different scenarios. I was thinking about my tour which is starting to feel like less and less of a possibility for me. At least in the way I want.

I was thinking about going to Australia or some such place for a while to go and do something different. I don't know what I expected to find there. And I'm unsure of the financial viability of that.

Now I'm thinking about going back to school in the fall. I was really hoping to avoid heading back to school, mainly for the reason that if I did go back I would most likely have to start from the beginning of a degree. I don't if I can just take on that much more school. And for the longest time, I didn't really know what I would even want to pursue there.

I do realize that it seems like I sound like I'm flaky and can't make a decision for myself. I think that that statement is accurate. I don't know. I haven't ever really known. I had my dreams which weren't really something I wanted to gamble on but I had no back up. I couldn't see where I lived in reality. On top of it, I haven't really had anything to fight for and to spur me on. My motivations had to be internal ones and all my inner self has wanted to do was play video games and hang out.

I'm now in a place where I find that living the way I have been is empty. Games don't keep me occupied. Friends are busy and are unavailable. I got to get with the program. I needed to find my internal motivation.

Damon Lindeloff, one of the executive producers and head writers of Lost, talked about bringing on new writers into the production of the show and he said that each person brings about ten thousand hours of experience to the table. Some people have focused on a few areas and others have a breadth of knowledge. But no matter who it is, they have a pool of experience that they have. I thought it was interesting to look at it in that way, because even if you haven't had a lot of schooling or time spent in training, you still have an enormous amount of time that you've spent experiencing and learning.

It was kind of encouraging and gave me a starting point to consider my future and where I can use my experience. And I've come to realize that the majority of my experience involves kids. Spending time with them, counseling them, entertaining them, preaching to them, and teaching them. I never thought that I was ever the greatest with them, but they seem to like me and I love making them laugh. I always used the youth events as a platform to practice my performance and writing. In the end, maybe all of that was merely a vehicle to get me into a place of understanding kids.

I really don't want to be a youth pastor or anything like that, but maybe I could be a teacher. I remember helping my friends in math classes and helping them understand the new concepts that we were learning. Apparently, to become a teacher you need a degree and a certain amount of teachables and it turns out that drama can qualify as a major or a minor. If all my stuff can transfer from Providence, then I could possibly be within reach of getting my qualifications for the education program within a year. Then I can do another two years of education and be on my way to doing something as a career that I've been doing for years.

I never thought that I was really cut out to be in the realm of show business. Mostly due to a lack of confidence and a lack of drive. I always felt that I was tolerable and average, but I loved doing it and so I'd do it for fun. But I don't think I can do what it really takes to embrace that life.

A teacher might be something that I'm suited for. I'm good with kids and I love to help others understand concepts. Isn't that what a teacher should be?

When I compare this idea to the one of doing a tour, I feel more at peace or somber or something. I can see myself walking in and putting down my backpack and writing something on the whiteboard and feeling at home. When I think of a tour, I think about both the great times but also the frustration that comes from people. People who disappoint. I can feel the weight of something that is bigger than I can handle by myself, but I don't know of someone who can help. With teaching, it seems manageable. It also has this essence of me bowing out. Realizing that although the world of show business and theatre might be fun, it is not me.

One of the themes of Tolkien was one of knowing your place in the world. We sometimes wish for something that is really not meant for us and so are dissatisfied with the place where we fit. Being in a place of where you do not fit will only hurt in the end. I would like to think that I as approach a new year, I have finally charted a course that leads to home.

"Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

- "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac from their self-titled album

My Experiment of Wanting Something

I know winter is finally here because people are complaining about the weather. I have officially have had enough talk about weather. I get it, winters in Winnipeg are cold. What do you expect? Why do people feel the need to state the obvious. No one was saying anything when we had a bizarro above average November, but now that we have a typical December, people get that stupid look in their eye just as they are about to unleash their keen wit and observation of the meteorological state of the outdoors and say something like "Man, I can't believe how cold it is out there."

You can't believe it? It was impossible to conceive of winter like every other year?

Anyways, this has lead me to the decision that I am going to avoid talking about how cold/warm I currently feel and making unnecessary comment about the weather. I mean, what's the point?

That said, I understand why people complain and why they even like doing it. Complaining is an easy source of conversation. We believe something should be one way and we'd like it another way. We know how we would change things if we could. Usually the answer is the short cut. Just make it nicer outside. More sun. The answer never is: "I wish I was intelligent enough to realize the climate I live in and thus responded in a responsible way and obtain effective protection against exposure to this environment."

I would like to point out that I see the irony in me complaining about complaining. I guess that's what I'm digging at. I want to complain as opposed to actually fixing the problem and changing my perspective. That's where the trick to the whole thing lies.

One of the big things that hinder me from changing my perspective to one that is more upbeat and positive is one that is buried deep into my idea of who I believe I am. I generally don't believe that good things come my way. Now I'm not saying that God doesn't give good things to people or that He should. And I'm also not saying that I think that God hasn't given me good things. I try my best to remember that I have a lot. Food, shelter, people, church, freedom, etc., etc. However, I guess I have lived in that place for long enough to think that those things are the standard. I know it's not the standard everywhere or for everyone, but it feels like it is the standard in the group of people that I spend the bulk of my time with.

So yes, I have good things, but I don't have what I want. Now, I don't have a whole lot of wants. There are maybe a list of things that if I had, that'd be peachy, but it's not like I am overly concerned with getting them. I would like to think that I am generally moving in the right direction about a life of simplicity. But I wonder if that has come out of the idea that I don't believe that I would even get what I want if I wanted something. When I was little, I wanted a certain toy or super powers and I wanted it so bad that I believed that if I wanted it bad enough, magic would summon it to me. I was always disappointed of course because that is not how it works when you come from a lower income family. I eventually came to realize that you often cannot get what you want. So I began to want less and less. And now, I simply don't think it's in the cards for me to get what I want. I realize that there is an assumption that comes from a leap of logic, but that is how I have felt.

I would see my friends or acquaintances get blessed with amazing gifts whether it be money or trips or second chances. Things that amaze me at the graciousness of God and others. I assume that those kind of gifts are for them and not for a guy like me. And what I mean by a guy like me, I mean that one line in "Don't Stop Believin'" that says "some will win/some will lose/some were born to sing the blues". It's not that I am a worthless person or not good enough or that God refuses to give me good things (because He has) but rather that it is simply the way it is. That I am supposed to be the guy that loses so that someone can win.

Everything in this little paradigm was fine until I realize that I wanted to want something. It's a little miserable to have nothing that you want because there is no point. It's related to the typical need to have a purpose but it wasn't quite that. I can't quite put my finger on it. And then I found something I wanted. I was gifted something that I thought I could never have. I was content. No, energized and focused. I told people "I was fantastic" and meant it when they asked how I was. So what happened in my experiment of wanting something and actually getting it? I screwed it up, naturally.

Now I am left in this unsettled place where I have to go back to being content with what I have while still struggling with want. I have to fight my predisposition of thinking that I am one of those people who will not get what I want and so I need to remind myself that I have been blessed. That I have received more than I need. I have to embrace a positive outlook and finding my goals in what God wants from His people.

Complaining about things is not going to change things in our lives, it only is a temporary measure of comfort. And if I really want something, fight for it and remember that sometimes even the underdogs can win one every once in a while.

"Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win

Under everything, just another human being

I don't want to hurt, there's so much in this world to make me believe"

- "Just Breathe" from Pearl Jam's Backspacer

Full Circle

It's been a little while since I have come back to my blog and I think that it's funny that they last post is in a place where I once again find myself. As I reflect on these last ten months, it's weird to think that I have come full circle. I was searching for a major change. But I couldn't find it. My scenario really didn't change. I found myself treading into a darker and darker place. I went to Toronto with my brother in order to get away and reflect about what I should do. I had a great encounter with my friend, Michelle, who gave me some encouragement and advice. I then went to speak at Covenant Bay Bible Camp and caught a glimpse of a change. I wanted to not have to feel like I have to settle.

I came back to Winnipeg and got the idea for perhaps doing a new sketch comedy tour. It gave me a goal.

Then came along Rebecca. I won't get too much into it, but one thing that I was enjoying was how things seem to have finally looked like they were progressing. Like I was getting things together. I had a glimpse of a life of hope and a place of what I should be doing and I was moving there.

It all changed, though. I screwed it up. There's not much there to defend me. I found out who really am behind it all, and it turns out that I'm not as good as I thought. I mean, I never had the idea that I was perfect, but I always imagined that I was a higher caliber of guy who just hadn't found his niche. It turns out that I'm not. I'm just another guy who doesn't know who he is. Which is really, honestly disappointing.

I am back at the place ten months ago. I want change. I want to change. I have nothing here. I want nothing here. Well, almost nothing here. I lost my love for people. I lost my love. I lost love. I don't have a desire to do anything. I am passing time, it feels.

Rob reminded me of a Smashing Pumpkins song and the line "I'm in love with my sadness" and if I become like that, he is going to punch me. He's got a good point. I gotta keep on the positive side. And it's been difficult to do so. Really, what I would like is to want. I want desire. I've been so concerned with making other people happy and seeing things from other's perspectives for so long that the idea of what I want has been bleached away and faded. Who is David Rae? I don't know. A lot of people don't really try to look into who I really am and my reflective side. They think I am the guy on stage. People who know me better tell me I'm a hard guy to pin down. That the line between me and my sarcasm is blurred. Now, I fear I may have actually fooled myself this whole time. That even I do not know who I am. Maybe I have to go find him.

"When everything starts to fall

So fast that it terrifies you

When will you hit the wall?

Are you gonna learn to fly?

No one would believe it

Except for all the people

Watching as you fly away

Baby when I get home

I want to pick up the pieces

Hammer in the final nail

And lean me up against Jesus"

- "Time Bomb" from Dave Matthews Band's Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King

Bittersweet Me

Busyness is starting to set in again. My mind goes through this cycle of having brilliant flashes of ideas and events that I should do because it would be awesome. I agree to do speaking and acting engagements at the drop of a hat. That last one's not true. The people have to offer me free food and then I'm in. But I realize that I have once again potentially overloaded myself. Aside from having a full-time job, I am in the process of producing a new "24"-day extravaganza (which I am hyperexcited about), creating a special Saturday night service for my church, writing a new episode of Mr. Chapel, and I have agreed to speak at a camp next summer and if a new May long weekend event happens in the Covenant, there is a good chance I will be asked to help and because of the Covenant usually offers free food, I would most likely agree to it.

Really, it can cause me a lot of stress which is completely my fault because I am the one that agreed to it. It's not like any of it's an obligation per se. I just want to do it. I don't want to disappoint anyone and besides it's a great creative outlet.

But I was thinking about these creative flashes I get. When I have a lull, it's usually after I have just come off a marathon events that were booked back to back to back and I am simply recovering. And then I go through this stage of trying to get back and living life. Keeping up friendships and trying to become pseudo-mature by attempting to pursue my Renaissance Man ideal. And then I just find myself falling into the same trap of looking around and realizing that I don't like being around people. As I get older, I am getting more uncomfortable around people. I either don't know how to hold a normal conversation or I rather not talk to anyone about the same inane topics or I rather just shut myself off from the world. I feel like a stranger in a strange land with no money to leave. But then my creativity then kicks in and seems to be inspired with a whole bunch of events and activities to plan for. Suddenly, I don't have to worry about all that stuff. It gets shoved to the fringe of my life where I only have moments of reflection. It's kind of funny though, because all these things that I plan revolve around other people. Either entertaining them or encouraging them or teaching them. I love performing for them as long as I don't have to worry about figuring out how to draw close to them. It's just easier at arm's length.

Don't get me wrong, I love having friends and spending time with them. It's just even with friends, I have a wall that I don't let down very often. I have isolated myself from them and it kills me some times. I guess the question becomes what is more painful? The grinding isolation of my self-created cage or enduring open vulnerability and the confrontation with my disconnect with others? I'm too damned emo.

"I'd sooner chew my leg off,
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me
I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore"
- "Bittersweet Me" from R.E.M.'s New Adventures in Hi-Fi

The Delusion of Michael Scott

I was in a book store yesterday while I was on my trip out west. I was reading an article from a book about philosophy and the Office. The article was really interesting, talking about Michael Scott's delusion of being the popular, smart, funny, handsome guy despite evidence to the contrary. He ignores this evidence for the most part and lives in bliss. However, if ever confronted directly by the fact that he is not those things, he falls into a depression. He needs the delusion. While other philosophers and theologians say that it is important to discover and know oneself, it may actually hurt an individual such as Michael Scott.

I've been finding that I would like that delusion. Just keep pretending that I'm witty, fun, a heart-breaker, despite evidence to the contrary. Live in a blissful ignorance and not get wrapped up in my inadequacies. It would be be great. I wouldn't get caught up with things I can't seem to change anyway.

So far, I have been very good at maintaining the delusions for other people. People believe that I'm funny, smart, popular. The fact is that I'm just good at lying and bluffing. My humor is borrowed, my intelligence based on guesswork, and popularity assumed. But every once in a while a person finally realizes after they spend a decent amount of time with me that I am no more than an illusion I have created. And that is when I feel the worst. I know they see through the veil and that I am no more than a bumbling, crass fool. And you can't trick them again. They already know. Unfortunately, as of late, more and more people have seen through the illusion and I feel like crap.

My ongoing delusion of perceived connections to girls in my life is continually pulled back by the reality of the fact that they are just nice people who are nice to everyone. Nothing is better than starting to fall for a girl who you think you are connecting to and have the potential to date, only to find out that they have standards.

My continuing struggle to be original with sketches, comedy and talks is non-stop. I'm always on the brink of having nothing. And I still can barely perform them with the skill that they require. And of course, my grand failure at the stand-up competition. It's a little much sometimes.

Yet, people still ask me to do stuff. All because of the illusion I always promote. I keep pretending my stuff is good quality and advertise it as such and continue to fool people into accepting a lower quality of presentation. But even this illusion has started to fall apart and people will move on.

Hopefully I can maintain it long enough to actually produce something that is genuinely good. Something that I will be satisfied with. Something that I will be truly happy with and not something I pretend to be happy with.

What Reality Does is Steal the Laughter From Children

This is my 24th birthday today. How am I celebrating it? With food. A lot of food. My roommate, Aaron, just took me out for breakfast. Darwin's taking my out for lunch and I am holding a potluck at my house tonight. So much food.

I'm also learning how to cook. I mean it actually putting together meals that require a stove and do not come with the label Campbell's or Chef Boyardee. Last night I made my first recipe-directed meal, which was a Dill Pork Stir Fry. And I have to say that it was awesome. I fooled people into believing I have more skill than I do. That's what my acting career depends on.

People are always telling you to not put on masks and that is a bunch of phooey. Masks prevent people from knowing that you are disappointingly human. Instead you create an illusion. And who doesn't like magic tricks? Mennonites and Baptists. But they don't count and it hinders my point. Magic tricks are fun and entertaining. Sure, they are based on a thick coat of deception and lies, but that is what people want. They want to be fooled by a false persona. They don't want to know the real person, because a real person brings along such nuisances such as real life problems. And real life problems require real concern and who wants that? I mean why should I help you when I'm having enough trouble maintaining my illusionary mask? That mask takes a lot of time and effort to maintain. Maintaining a mask requires as much time and effort as it does to face reality. The difference is that a mask hides the hassle that is emotion and facing reality requires facing reality. Oh and there's no fun magic-like illusions in reality either. You see what reality does is steal the laughter from children and that's why we avoid it.

So I will continue to fool people into believing that I can cook and act and drive without a license until the point when someone gets poisoned or run over and then I will have to create another illusion and flee to Mexico. You solve discovered lies by creating new, more elaborate ones. It's worked for 24 years, maybe it will work for another 24. Although hopefully for longer than that. I want to be older than 48 so that I can complain about how you can't trust the youths these days.