You Can Live Life as a Christian and Still Be Something Called Human

I came back from a youth conference today that was in Kelowna and I found myself there being dismayed. The last couple of times I've been to these kind of events I have been bothered by two main thoughts.

One is the extravagance of these events. There is a lot of flash and glamour put into these events to make them fresh and cool and exciting for the teenagers at the event. It feels like we're trying to market Jesus to the crowd and will pay any price for it. I suppose to deliver a powerful and meaningful message such as the call to following Christ is one that we go to great lengths to deliver. I can understand the reasoning behind it. It's like a missionary speaking the native language and following local customs to relate the message as opposed to forcing the culture to conform to our ideas on society. However, the culture that we're speaking to is one drenched in media and I wonder if we are merely offering a rock concert experience that simply fades days after the show is done. For some, I assume it is.

For being more of a casual observer in the last couple as opposed to a participant or a contributor, it is obvious that it is for some. That the message in the midst of the flash is simply ignored. We do our best to reach out and the noise drowns it out. Mind you, even with focused attention people are going to ignore it anyway. I suppose that saddens me. I know that the message is for all, but some, no matter what you do, are going to ignore the call to something that is different and life-giving.

The other thought is one that bothered me much more and that is the emotional fuel that the events thrive on. I think one of the hardest things that has negatively influenced my faith has been the idea that these events are spiritual high watermarks. That the speakers and the music and heart-felt stories about amazing magical signs of God are all gearing the audience to amp their emotions high. To get them to a place where you key into the stories they tell that talk about a faith that magically changes everything in your life. That this emotion that you are feeling is the Holy Spirit moving in the place and speaking to you.

It seems to paint that the reason you have faith and are obedient the other 363 days of the year is so you can come to another one of these events to meet God again in an intense and real way. That if you are not experiencing this "spiritual" feeling the rest of your year, that you could be doing more and are failing at being faithful. After all, these speakers talk about amazing stories of faith stopping evildoers in their tracks, healing people of their diseases, or hearing the very voice of God. If you don't have these spiritual gifts come to you, then you are not letting the Holy Spirit in and do His work in your life.

That's where I had a hard time, because despite the fact I wanted to be faithful, I wasn't emblazoned with the Spirit like I was at camps and retreats that clearly I was distant from God. I would still try to understand and be obedient, but I still believed that I was being a follower who was less than where I should be. Especially as a Christian who grew up in the faith. You could never live up to where you should be. No matter how good you may think you're doing, you would always look around and some how the bar was raised another two feet. You were a failure and you always would be, but fortunately Jesus would always forgive but would be always be kind of sad because you disappointed Him again.

You would hear stories at the campfire about people being spiritually empty but now that they've had a week at camp, they are more on fire than they've ever been. It was strange, because there was not a lot of variance in the story. Is that the real purpose of these events? To get the high watermark that you couldn't live up to in the rest of your year? You would look forward to these events because your lacked that emotional connection to God.

Then it happened. I went to camp and the feeling was lessened each year I went. My "connection" to God lessened. I wanted to have that connection. I mean, I had spent my year being as faithful and obedient as I could. I needed my refresher because I was trying to depend on God. I would try to reconnect and become a stronger Christian.

I went to Bible college to be a better Christian, devoting time and money and focus to find the God of my youth. But I never did. Was I white-washed tomb that Jesus scorned in the scriptures? I felt like it.

I grew more cynical and I started to really become frustrated with my faith. I tried to sort it out and yet still be faithful but I never did reach that clarity that I had when I was younger when God seemed to be right there.

It wasn't until much later that it clicked. I don't know when it clicked. Maybe when it was when I was asked to be a speaker at a camp. Which was funny to me because I believed myself to be a spiritless Christian. Someone who God wasn't talking to because I hadn't heard anything in a long time. Even in decisions that I tried to discern God's will on (and was validated by other trustworthy Christians), they seemed to lead me to a place where it felt like I had failed in being faithful.

I think that when I was planning out my talks, I didn't want to try to trick people into faith. I wanted them to see that faith was reasonable. I wanted them to have a sincere faith and not one where I got people to start following Jesus based on me pulling out sob stories. I wanted to speak truth. I wanted to treat the kids I was speaking to with respect and challenged them to think deeper about faith. I wanted to talk to them about topics that I never heard when I was younger. Talk about things that were relevant and pragmatic.

I noticed a distinct difference. I would sometimes tell stories that were very relevant to the topic and were very personal and emotional and as I told them, I knew that from a dramatic perspective that I could totally amp up the emotion to make them feel bad. To make them puddy. I could see it. And I was horrified. All these years, I had been duped. I had been duped.

It started falling into place. The speakers know how to make you sympathize with them. Trust them. Get you to come alongside them where when the emotions were right, they could evoke the redemption story of Christ and because people want the happy ending (or at least avoid a horrific one) they would turn to Christ. The call of a full life and a wonderfully deep and challenging life was being mired by emotional manipulation. The talk of discipleship was premised on a guilt trip that you could never live up to.

Choreographed emotion-charged moments were labelled as "the presence of God" and it led me to believe that the mundane Christian life that we spent the bulk of time living was lacking that presence.

I say this and do realize that I don't believe that this is the intention of these speakers and worship leaders (at least for the most part). I don't believe that they are apart of a malicious group trying to trick as many people into becoming Christians so that they can earn more money. I don't believe because I know a lot of these individuals. I am one of these individuals who sincerely believe in the story of Christ and the call of a God-centric life.

However, over time, we have accidentally created an impossible standard that was never intended. There are unwritten rules that say you need to only have the Christian versions of media, that if you need to be thinking of Jesus in absolutely every moment, that you are innately unlovable and it's only because God is so absolutely good that we, the evil, vile, putrid, urine-soaked, scum of the earth are forgiven. We pride ourselves in avoiding being legalistic like Pharisees and rather uphold a listening to the spirit and being free from the law. However, what we have instead is a mandate to a level of spirituality that is as life-draining and as alienating as the Pharisee, but premised differently. Instead of having the belief that following laws to such stringent and ridiculous levels is spirituality, we are now in a place where having the belief that you need to have a certain feeling and being draped in everything labelled Christian is spirituality.

The fact is the life of the Christian is the day in day out decisions that we make. We make ourselves a people that loves God with our heart, soul, mind and strength the best we can. We make ourselves a people that serves others the best we can. We don't get caught up in what feeling we have. Having a certain feeling or sensation is not God's presence just like having certain feeling or sensation is not the presence of a person. Christians believe that God is always present. You might have moments where you notice God's presence but that doesn't make you a better Christian in that moment just like noticing the presence of your wife doesn't make you a better husband. Rather, what makes you a better Christian and a better husband is being faithful and doing what you can to be the best Christian or husband you can be.

This idea flies in the face of teaching that so heavily emphasizes the idea of being saved by grace. I still believe that we are at the mercy of God and God's grace is what gives us the ability to become the best people we can be and to be considered righteous. However, I believe that our actions accurately reflect our beliefs. I'm not saying that works save you or that you can judge another person, but rather I think that if you call yourself a follower of Jesus then I believe it is more important to be obedient than it is to have a feeling.

We have made the Christian walk a soft-headed, fancy worded, therapy session that expects nothing out of it's followers while allowing the people who are crying out for help from God and His people to fall by the wayside. And for the ones that do happen to stumble in will only find a feel good pat on the back religion that will never fix anything.

Mind you, after I've said all of these things, it would seem like that these events are horrible things, but I do know something else vital that comes out in these events and it is the reason that I believe these events are good. The people who attend have a fantastic chance to meet together, grow together and have a chance to live into each other's lives. You have a chance to have fun together, converse with other, sing praises to God together, pray together, and live into each other's lives and learn about God together. As a leader, you can go back home with the kids and use this bonding to be able to teach and disciple them and be able to challenge them because you have spent time together and show that you can live life as a Christian and still be something called human (and not an alien who's emotions are restricted to happiness and guilt).

P.S. I do believe that you can have a strong emotional connection to God, but I want to emphasize that feeling a certain way is not an indicator of faith but rather being faithful is an indicator of faith.

"Well, my goodness gracious, let me tell you the news
My head's been wet with the midnight dew
I've been down on bended knee
Talkin' to the man from Galilee
He spoke to me in the voice so sweet
I thought I heard the shuffle of the angel's feet
He called my name and my heart stood still
When he said, "John, go do my will"
Go tell that long, tongue liar,
Go and tell that midnight rider,
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter,
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down"
- "God's Gonna Cut You Down" from the Johnny Cash album "American V: A Hundred Highways"

Catch-22 of Inefficiency

I don't miss my Xbox much. I've been fine without it, although there is something I do miss and that is Rock Band. If I had it here, I could easily drain hours into it. I want to see what songs are available to download. I want to hook up the mike and guitar and pretend to be the rock star I fantasize about being. I don't even play it to perfect my skill at the game, but I just play because I love to play. It is almost like that thing that musicians have where they love playing music. I love singing the familiar songs and those plastic instruments give you an excuse to belt it out.

Of course, if I did have it here, it would distract me. It totally would. I would be sitting at the table with my pen and trying to write my scripts or at the computer editing videos and my mind would drift to rocking out to Nirvana's "Breed" or the whole Nevermind album. Would it take over? No, I wouldn't let it, but it would distract me.

When I have a creative project and the pressure of the deadline comes, I get skittish. My mind begins working more and more. I stress more and more. And that stress plays out by avoiding the work to pull it together. I have a terrible tendency to leave it until the last moment. However, it is not because I am not putting in the time to work on it. I may put off getting to it in my day, but when I do sit down to do it, my mind has the tendency to not focus on the material, but rather on the fact that the material is almost due. It's a Catch-22 of inefficiency.

It's like the debate in my head is the one side who buckles under the stress and protests against any project that would bring such stress. The other side is the one who is trying to keep the whole thing going and saying "You are going to look like a fool if you don't put in the time to do this right." The second voice will keep losing the debate until his voice gets stronger and stronger as the deadline gets closer and closer. Unfortunately, it usually comes too late. I may pull the show together, but I know it could have been better.

This struggle happens for each one of these shows or any one of my major "projects" where I am the main creative engine in it. Whether it is the Early Night Show or 24 Day or even down to sketches for church, it has the same issue.

The question then becomes, "What can I do to inspire me to produce the best work possible?"

I know that in the past, it was the influence of a significant person in my life that would centre me. They wouldn't even have to do much aside from spend some time with me and talk. Not even talk about the show. Not even about anything in particular. I think I just need to be reminded that I have someone who is on my side. That someone is there to notice when I do create it.

If I don't have that significant person, then it turns to other things. Like Rock Band. Or needless and repetitive internet surfing. Or blog posting.

I have been trying to keep God as the centering figure in my life. That He is the presence who I work for. That He is what inspires and pushes me forward. I've been trying to read more of the Scriptures and more time in prayer and reflection. To a certain extent I feel like I do alright at it. 

However, I will say honestly that to me that the tangible presence of God (for me at least) is there through people. God can inspire in those moments of solitude, reflection, prayer and study, but when you need someone there, someone to say that something that encourages or inspires, I think God uses people.

Arden has been speaking about community at the church recently and I am always reminded about the idea that Holy Spirit works through people. The big call for us by God is to reach out to others, challenge them, support them and care for them. I think this is because when we are doing these things, that we are putting God's love into action. We are involved in that very idea of being the presence of God for others. Not to say that we are God or that God can't make His presence known without people, but I think it is a part of that. That's why to be a Christian is more than just saying that we believe certain things and then make sure we don't do bad things anymore, but rather that we are implored to go and make disciples and care for those who need it.

In the end, I am saying that I will be okay through this process of creating the show. For one, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Two, I need more self-discipline. Three, I need to remember that God is always with me.

That all said, it would be that much nicer to have that person at my side who can gently remind me of those very things instead of the echo chambers of my own, stressed mind.

"So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day

And I start to complain that there's no rain

And all I can do is read a book to stay awake

And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape"

- "No Rain" from Blind Melon's self-titled album

Blazer Hacksworth

I have been reading Patton Oswalt's book "Zombie Spaceship Wasteland" and I am really enjoying it. You can see that he has a fantastic grip on how to construct a book that is engaging, humorous, insightful and at moments very heartfelt. This is especially fantastic to see from a comedian such as Mr. Oswalt.

As far as I can tell, there are two main camps of comedians that exist. Both are insulated and distant from the audience, but in different ways. The more mainstream of the two is the one where the comedian tells jokes and has observations and they are distant from the audience in that the content itself is impersonal. The subject matter is more universal and not really introspective or reaching into what really matters to the performer. They could be clean or dirty comedians and they were the comedians that seem to dominate the comedy world. These guys would range from Jerry Seinfeld to Brian Regan to Demetri Martin.

However, the other kind is one that has found more of a presence in the internet age after being apart of the alternative comedy movement that slowly came up in the 90's. These are the guys that told more stories and expressed their opinions about society, culture and politics. These would include Bill Hicks, David Cross and Louis CK. They distance themselves from the audience not in their content but in their style. Their comedy is about ridiculing and deconstructing fallacies in their subject matter. They can come off as angry or bitter or opinated probably because they are. That maybe fine for the stage, but I would be intimidated to go talk to those three. 

Arguably, they are much more related to the comedians that were huge in the 70's such as Bill Cosby, George Carlin and Richard Pryor who had a distinct point of view and personal history that they conveyed to the audience as opposed to a casual observation. In many regards, I believe the reason these individuals are considered legends is because of that honesty.

As a side note, Bill Cosby is probably one of the most prolific and popular with the masses because not only can you see him and his honesty, he is a fantastic and welcoming kind of storyteller. He paints you a picture of what it was kind of like to grow up in Philadelphia and there is a sense that you are now one of the guys that grew up with Bill, Old Weird Harold and Fat Albert.

However, as a general rule of thumb, the personal and opinionated style of comedy is not for everyone. It is hard to be around someone who is so negative. I know for myself, I can get like that. I get snarky and dismissive and I really have to watch myself to not fall into a well of cynicism. Look back at some of the posts of the past and it's like Thom Yorke's kid brother is trying his darndest to be melancholy and removed and trying to be a self-involved wiseass through sketches (Mr. Chapel).

I've gone on this quick rundown of how I see the comedy world to say why I appreciate the book. Patton is one of these guys that has an opinion and can get frustrated and it comes out in his subject matter and style. However, unlike Hicks, Cross and CK, you get the distinct feeling that he has hope. That he is trying to fight his cynicism. He even mentions it in his last album, "My Weakness is Strong" where says "I didn't realize until that point in my life how desperately I depend on negativity and cynicism just to communicate to the outside world." He comments how he needs to change his outlook because it's not good for his daughter to grow up around that. Even before this point, you can see that he would be fun to talk to (as long as you weren't an asshole yourself).

In "Zombie Spaceship Wasteland", I started seeing how I am like him. I'm not suggesting I am as funny as he or as talented (because his book is not really about his career or craft anyway) but rather you start to see a little bit past the veil that his style of comedy imposes. He doesn't have to end a chapter on a joke. There are a couple of times where he ends it on a note that seems to state something significant about him or about his view on things.

He shares memories of his youth and Dungeons and Dragons and his Uncle Pete. I could see the parallels. I have a hard time finding people that get it the same vein as me and to read this book is like finding a journal out in the wasteland. It may not save me, but I know that someone else also went through the same kind of thing.

One moment that stood out to me is the chapter where he summarizes his experience with certain kinds of comics that he toured with. One of them he names "Blazer Hacksworth" who as the name implies a bit of a hack. By the end of the chapter the character is no longer doing comedy himself. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to know when to back down and find something good outside of what I wish. I hope I can have the wisdom of Blazer. From the end of the chapter: "I looked out over the room. In the back, standing trim and happy in his sport-coat-over-T-shirt ensemble, Blazer smiled, lit by the blue light of the bar. The Tonight Show was forever gone, forever receded on his horizon. But he'd expanded his endpoint to take in every second of every day, and he'd honed his life down to pure reward."

"I don't want to hear from those who know

They can buy, but can't put on my clothes

I don't want to limp for them to walk

Never would have known of me before

I don't want to be held in your debt"

- "Corduroy" from the Peal Jam album "Vitalogy"

Some Star Wars in it? Screw That! We Need More Star Wars in it! And Lightsabers!

I had a response back from one of my friends in regards to my last post where I referenced Star Wars. Although Star Wars was mentioned and was included in the title of the post, the post was not about Star Wars. I mentioned that I did not think that the new movies were good and hurt the series in general. However, my friend suggested that I looked at what those movies did right. Another friend commented that he would like to hear why I didn't like the new movies. So, for the sake of that along with the fact that the bulk of my posts for the last while are very whiny, angsty and generally emo, I figured one that I lay out a little bit of the other side of me which is the whiny, nerdy, and generally emo media commentator. Originally, the bulk of this post came from my response to the first friend on a Facebook message. He was stating some of the good things he saw in the films and my response to them. I will also expand upon my thoughts to include a wider scope of my thought on the films.


I am trying to be even handed in this response, admitting what was cool about it (which is minute in the face of the craptasticness of it all) and giving my reasons for why those cool aspects do not help and in fact, may just be one of the distractions that are hurting the films. I know I've harped on my other friends for what I felt was an unfair evaluation of Avatar, so I would hate to be hypocritical and simply ignore the aspects I did like. And here we go...


The diamonds you have mentioned are more in the design realm which unfortunately you can't prop up a series with. Were there cool things about the prequels, sure, but it was like George sat there and said "You know what would be awesome? A fight over lava! Yeah! How about a Sith with a double lightsaber! No, a guy that wields four lightsabers!" And in the process forgot what the point of having fleshed out characters was. Sure, maybe the writing in the old movies weren't super fantastic, but they had so much more quotable lines that came out of character's personality instead of mere conveying plot points.

It just seems like George was throwing together this whole thing haphazard in all the wrong ways. For instance, in the old movies, he had a thought out story that was consistent and logical and the problems that came up were because of the difficulty of the shooting with the technology. In a lot of regards, Lucas and Spielberg are better when they have to be creative with their film production and it forces them to truly think about the story they are telling. Unfortunately, Lucas now just has the ability of putting the first idea down into CGI without considering the potential flaws in the story. So when R2 gets stuck on one side of the factory and George has no idea how to get him over to the other side, he just goes "Oh, jet boosters! Bam!" even though there is no previous use of them (and there was time that would have totally helped to have jet boosters). In the old movies, technical problems forced Lucas to really buckle down and create a fantastic movie, but he didn't have to worry about those problems and so it was like he put out the first draft of his story and glammed it up with special effects.

It just seemed like for every good idea, it is surrounded by bad ideas.

For instance, I admit, the pod racing was awesome and was definitely one of the highlights of Episode 1, but the reason for the race was mired in a bizarro bet that made little sense for a part of a spaceship that could only be found at this tiny dealer that happened to be the first one they go to. In addition the apparently moral, wise Jedi is going around with a strange sense of morality that involves lying and cheating at which point, why doesn't he just steal the part if he's willing to go through this ridiculous plan. Yes, pod racing: awesome, but story-telling: butchered for the sake of some flashy CGI.

Slave I in action: awesome and fantastic, introduction of Boba Fett: painful.

Seeing wookiees: sweet. Seeing Death Star: alright? But I don't watch Star Wars to see references to old movies, I want to see those characters and things in action telling a story. It would be cooler to see the Death Star blow up something or threaten to instead of Darth Vader just sort of looking at it.

All this aside, to me, the biggest flaw of all is the characters. By far. Try to describe to me the characters of the prequels without mentioning what their job is and more than half of them would hold the quality "stoic". Think about it. Qui-Gon, Padme, Mace Windu, Chancellor Valorum, etc. The personality (and not the neat powers they have) of a character should be the primary distinction and that's what leads to interesting interactions with other characters.


The interactions aren't interesting. They are there simply to move the plot along. For instance, the interactions of Padme and Anakin in the second movie are pushed along awkwardly and seemed to be there simply because they have to eventually have Luke and Leia, so we need to go through the motions of boy meets girl ten years ago, boy for some reason still has an obsession with girl that he only interacted with for a total of two days (maybe?), boy says dark, creepy things to girl, girl is totally not listening to anything he says, girl falls for the least romantic lines talking about deserts and water and a floating pear, boy slays a whole tribe single-handedly with no reaction from girl, boy and girl marry, girl gets pregnant, *phew* we got this far, now it's ok that girl realizes boy is clearly evil, dies during childbirth.


By the way, has anyone noticed that you probably could have done away with the Phantom Menace and you are not missing any part of the story? You could've easily started the prequels with Anakin already the apprentice of Obi-Wan and have given the first movie to showing his good qualities and develop the love between him and Padme and then use the last two movies to show the fall of his character. But no, we have to have him as a little kid, doing little to advance his character and then realize that oh, crap we have to cram a terrible, romantic storyline and his complete transformation from being a good guy to embrace the dark side all in the same movie and then make that there is more space for a few more lightsabers.

I want to like the new movies. I like the idea of Star Wars being a story about Anakin fall and redemption, but it's not. It is two separate series. One was about the mythical hero's journey and the other is about how many lightsabers can we put on the screen. Three of them? Shut up, this is Star Wars, make the bad guy alone have four and maybe his tail can hold a fifth. What? He has no tail? You're fired! 


However, you look at the old movies and they had characters that you learned about and were distinct and interesting. The great moments of the movies come from those events where the characters connected despite their differences. Leia pecking Luke on the cheek and wishing him luck. Luke confronting Han about sticking around to help the Alliance in their impossible fight on the Death Star. Han showing his courage and true compassion for his friend by heading out onto the snowy plain to find Luke despite the fact he was trying to save his own hide from those who hunted him. Luke impatience with Yoda on Dagobah and Yoda sensing that the boy isn't fit for the role of Jedi. Vader clearly holding back in his attempt to bring Luke to his side and revealing he is Luke's father and you can see it in the way the fight plays out. Leia finally realizing that she loves Han just before he is frozen. Vader's struggle with seeing his son being tortured by his master and realizing the error of his ways.


These character moments are not executed nearly as well in the new movies, because all the polish went to the design, the effects and as much crazy crap that can be cluttered onto the screen instead of the point of the films which is it's humanity.

I'm sorry, but I cannot concede the good points of the film without being reminded that those good points came at the expense of what made the old movies fantastic. Sure the old movies had problems and they show their age now, but they are still better movies than all the lightsabers in the world. It pains me to see these new ones are so majorly flawed and have hurt what used to be my favorite series of films. *Single tear*.

There's Entirely Too Much Star Wars in this Post

Tonight, I am restless. I couldn't fall asleep. I didn't even have that tired feeling. It feels like I could stay up for another three hours before feeling sleepy. This whole day has been kind of a wash. I told myself that I would write a script for a video for the weekend and I couldn't bring myself to focus enough. I am scrapping one idea I had for another one that will be easier to execute. At the moment, I feel like I am having trouble keeping up with the work I need to finish. Ever since I came back, the writing has seemed to be much more difficult. That's not good news when I am needing to produce more than I have for the sake of the show I am putting together. I am feeling stressed about the matter.

The strange thing is, I don't know if I have been as spiritually disciplined as I have been in the last couple of weeks. I have been reading the Bible fairly frequently. And it's not that strained 1 chapter a day type of thing. I finished the last quarter of Ezekiel, the letters of John, James (a couple of times to get it prepped for my small group), and just today twelves chapters of Job. Prayer has become more apart of my life as I am trying to keep my motives and understanding in check. I have been trying to teach myself to pray when I have an issue that bothers me.

This is of particular importance right now because I know what I am like. I tend to be obsessive when I have something that fascinates me or interested. For instance, when I was younger, my friend Erik would watch the Star Wars movies and I never joined him because I figured I wouldn't enjoy them. However, at one point I gave in and watched them. I forget why. Perhaps it was after I was introduced to the card game based on it and I wanted to understand the game better. Hmm. Interesting. Anyways, I wound up liking the movies and my brain immediately began downloading any information about the Star Wars universe that I could. I even relented on my no-reading policy and read a three book series that followed Boba Fett (probably the most overrated character in Star Wars). I could name the pilots and their call signs for the entire X-wing squadron that attacked the Death Star. Etcetera, etcetera. Arguably, I knew more about the movies than Erik (although he may argue otherwise however I now realize that there is no winner in that argument).

I don't know how I feel about that last paragraph. I mean, clearly it's a great example of what I want to communicate, but my Star Wars phase is definitely something I am self-conscious about. Especially since the prequel movies marred what was once a fantastic series. I could explain why, but that is off-topic and would be merely a source of regret for me to write and for you to read.

Anyway, right now, I have that thing that I want to go and immerse my time and knowledge in, but I am trying to give myself some self-control. I am specifically trying to hold myself back so that way I don't wind up with priorities out of whack. I am here to serve the church and the people. I am trying to keep God as the priority, especially since I feel like the church has been missing the point for a long time and I want to call them back.

Prayer has been good at keeping my priorities straight and why I have tried to be more conscious of doing it.

I have come to really appreciate the values and the conversations I have had with Arden and Chris. I am finding that I am not alone in my desire to see extremism to be taken out of the church but rather put the focus back on the core of what is important.

In most ways, things are good. But I see now, after writing this exactly why I can't sleep. I am distracted. And because I am distracted, I have a hard time focusing. That's why I can't write. That's why I feel stressed. The struggle with the desires of the heart continue.

Lord have mercy.

"Drove downtown in the rain
9:30 on a Tuesday night
Just to check out the late night record shop.
Call it impulsive,
Call it compulsive,
Call it insane.
When I'm surrounded, I just can't stop.
It's a matter of instinct,
It's a matter of conditioning,
A matter of fact."
- "Brian Wilson" from the Barenaked Ladies' album "Gordon"

Born to Run

Last night was Aaron Hildebrandt's New Year's/Birthday Extravaganza. It was the major event that inspired this trip home in many regards. Although this year, I don't think extravaganza really is the right descriptor. It was more like a 'get-together'. We still played a few games, still had snacks, but it was quieter. Many of the regulars from years past were not there because circumstances were changed. People were with new friends or their spouses or meeting the family and friends of their significant others. Aaron's plan was also oriented to have a smaller crowd because of the place where many were. It was still fun and it was still great to see everyone who was there but when I left, it hit me that this may be one of the last times we do this. I can't expect for the Hildebrandts to come all the way back to Manitoba from Vancouver every year. It was interesting to notice the change in their attitude and feeling of Vancouver. The phrase "We're looking forward to going back home" in relation to Vancouver as opposed to last year's, "It's good to be home."

Brad followed-up with the comment to the effect, "Yeah, it's nice to come back to the country for a few days but that's about it. There's not that same connection."

The lives of these friends of mine (along with myself) have been changing, but this is the first time it seems to have sunken in for people and it reflects in their approach.

Since returning to Winnipeg, there were certain ideas that many were talking about. Buying houses and having kids and getting married. Most of my peers are looking at one of those three currently with a few exceptions who are like me in the sense that they living life more according to what I have previously called the Adventure life path. People who looking to explore and do something different. (If you want to read about these life paths, you will find it here, and also another here). I think for me, as I have recently attached myself heavily to this path, I am reminded that it is probably the most foreign to people. Most people want families and careers and homes. And although I am in the middle of the tension between that and being free to go off and doing what I am really good at, I have realized that many people see the Adventurer as more of a reckless gambler. It may be admirable to go and do what you want, but at the same time it is viewed as just messing around.

One conversation that I found to be a blessing was a chance meeting with Sarah Pascoe. I would not say we were ever friends, but when I see a fellow Providence alum, I go and say 'hello'. It was in a random Starbucks and we had one of those pleasant conversations of what we were doing and after the fifteen minutes, it was the most I had ever talked to her previously and was the first time I even knew anything about her aside from who she hung out with. Anyways, I found out that she is getting ready to go with her husband down to Haiti to run an orphanage and I found a sort of kinship as we talked about the pressure of the culture to settle down and the perceived daftness to go and put yourself on the line.

I think the difference in coming back was how my friends' lives are diverging and that my familiar life that I had is now past. Winnipeg, although a home of sorts by the nature of history, is quickly moving towards a memory. It's funny how quick that came about.

This trip has also highlighted my pull towards to keep moving. I am already starting to feel a fidgetiness in Nelson. I am busy. Things are good. People are great. But I don't want to get too attached. I want to impact lives, but I just want to keep moving. I don't know when I will get to the whole settle down part. I always thought I was going to be one who did, but I'm not so sure anymore.

"Together we could break this trap

We'll run 'til we drop, baby, we'll never go back

Will you walk with me out on the wire

'Cause baby, I'm just a scared and lonely rider

But I gotta find out how it feels

I want to know if love is wild, girl, I want to know if love is real."

- Title track from Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run"

Sorry, I Didn't Mean to Oppress Everyone

Some of the world's problems are out of my hands and yet I have to deal with them and I don't know how. On CBC radio (I must be turning into a communist), there was a mention about the idea of how marketing gears their advertising to 18-24 year old males and how actresses 40 years plus are often left out of many scripts and movies. In addition, others were mentioning how there is a severe lack of women as directors and thus a sign of men trying to keep it a boys-only club.

It always bothers me to hear that because it then starts to feel like because of people like me, society is being held back from becoming a fair and equal society. That if I become a successful comedian or writer, then I am a part of problem of keeping women suppressed. That if I become a manager of a store, then I was chosen because I am a white man and not because of what I can do and thus I should step aside and let a woman of equal ability take the job.

What am I supposed to do aside from feel bad about who I was born as?

Even when it comes to writing sketches, I am writing sketches for myself so that I can do what I want to do. I am not writing sketches for other people to perform. They are for me.

As I consider writing a story of any sort, generally the main character is going to be a reflection of myself. Maybe it's a lack of experience or ability that I don't write female characters as the protagonists but it's because I feel like I would do an injustice to the female persona if I did. I wouldn't know how to write for a 40 year old woman lead character. It's frustrating for us both, Helen Mirren. Should I then step aside so someone can write a script for her?

When I'm writing my sketches and there is the main funny character, generally it is going to be the guy that I write as the moron and if I have a girl, she will be the level-headed character. Sure, she may point out the stupidity of the other character and have some funny lines, but generally it's the character who is a vehicle for the fall guy to say his stupid ideas at and is not the "star" of the sketch. She will be the boring character and people could point to that as me making sure the guy is getting the better part.

However, if I were to reverse it and make the guy the level-headed one and the girl the fall ...girl, then I could be accused of perpetuating the stereotype that men are better suited to be above women.

It feels like I can not win in any situation.

Some times Will Ferrel and company are accused of being that boys-club mentality where all the main funny roles go to the guys and they gear it for guys and keep women from breaking into comedy. It's been my experience that girls don't find his movies as funny as guys and maybe women are just not drawn to that type of humor as much for whatever reason. It would then make sense that there are not as many actresses that would break into that style. Plus the writers are writing with Will in mind as the main character and if there's a love interest, that is where the female lead comes in. It might be cliched, but a romantic angle is usually a major component to stories of all stripes.

I could keep going on this, but I suppose the point I am getting at is that it grieves me that women feel like they are being excluded from various things, but I don't know what I am supposed to do about that aside from feeling guilty for being who I was born as and saying "Yeah, we men suck and we should all be killed off so that humanity can advance."

"There is unrest in the forest,

There is trouble with the trees,

For the maples want more sunlight

And the oaks ignore their pleas.

The trouble with the maples

(And they're quite convinced they're right)

They say the oaks are just too lofty

And they grab up all the light.

But the oaks can't help their feelings

If they like the way they're made.

And they wonder why the maples

Can't be happy in their shade.

There is trouble in the forest,

And the creatures all have fled,

As the maples scream, 'Oppression!'

And the oaks just shake their heads

So the maples formed a union

And demanded equal rights.

'The oaks are just too greedy;

We will make them give us light.'

Now, there's no more oak oppression,

For they passed a noble law,

And the trees are all kept equal

By hatchet, axe and saw."

- "The Trees" from the Rush album "Hemispheres"

Been There, Don't Do That

This week was a strange week. It has been one of looking back into the dark territory. For the first time in a very long time, I did a dramatic presentation as opposed to a comedic one. It was about a man who you discover through the course of the one-person scene is divorced, has a kid and is trying to make Christmas for himself and having a difficult time with it. He struggles with loneliness during the time of the year that emphasizes family. Of course, the sketch was about a divorced parent, but anybody who has read my blog for a long time would realize that it's not about a divorced parent.

For me, it was really displaying myself up there without ever saying it. It was a hard reminder of elements of my past, but the positive thing was that it was difficult to summon. I don't feel the same as I did. Hopefully, that's a sign of peace in my soul and not a sign of a callousness.

Nonetheless, I have found it draining to go through that sketch and I felt tired after both performances. Way more than I ever did yelling at the top of my lungs as Stan Ostrowski. It was like my inner self was tired.

Mind you, this comes at the end of a long week, emotionally speaking. I have been approached for advice, support, and discussion for some people and it was hard stuff that life just deals and it seems unfair or painful to deal with. Due to my age of being a little bit older and due to my experience, I feel I have given an important perspective for those in the midst of a replay of my own story. I frequently draw from own life to paint illustrations and examples and that means I have to talk about things that dredge up my past. Some times I have to say something harsh, sometimes I have to just admit that it sucks, sometimes I have to say something that comforts, and all the while, my heart aches with them. I don't regret and will not regret helping at all, but it does wear after a while.

Unlike previous posts, I don't know what my conclusion is on this. What lesson I am gleaning or prayer that I have in it. I suppose it is good that I am there to listen and give words of encouragement, comfort, challenge and direction. I suppose that it is good that I have learned from my past. I suppose that it is good that I have moved from that place. I guess I would just rather the past stay in the past.

"How to keep people at arms length and never get too close

How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most

How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone

How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps

A course of a lifetime you'll never forget"

- "Eight Easy Steps" from Alanis Morissette's "So-Called Chaos"

Although It Doesn't Have Much to Do With This Post, Joel Olsteen is Still a Liar

I am not sure of what to make of this past week. It feels like a lot has happened. A lot of significant conversations that feel like they are part of a narrative of some sort. It's been kind of difficult navigating them and trying to be objective. I would like to think that I have learned from my past and am becoming a stronger person.

I have learned and I have changed. I have tried to make wise choices and make the hard choices because if I preach that is what people should do, then that should also include me. So that's what I did and it hurts to accept choices that are done in the name of being honest and upfront. I don't regret it, because I needed to do it.

It's hard to tell a person something that they don't want to admit, it's hard to tell a person to do something they don't want to do and it's hard to be the person that has to be upfront when you don't want to be.

I should point out that things are good. It's just that sometimes things are hard.

Joel Olsteen would tell you that you don't have to face suffering through broken bodies, broken relationships, broken finances and pain and that is what makes him a liar. Jesus faced times when he had to say the difficult thing and do the difficult thing because sometimes things are just difficult. Fortunately, peace is found in knowing that when we do what is right and honourable, we are living as we should. We can have joy knowing that the troubles we face here are not forever, but rather it refines our character, an eternal concept.

Hopefully, that can sink in and I can be content.

"In the days of my youth, I was told what it means to be a man,

Now, I've reached that age, I've tried to do all those things the best I can.

No matter how I try, I find my way into the same old jam."

- "Good Times, Bad Times" from the Led Zepplin self-titled album 

R.I.P. Rest in Peace

With the passing of Leslie Neilson two days ago, it reminds of something that I always want to point out but seems inappropriate to mention. Whenever someone dies, it is still rather popular to use "R.I.P." in regards to them. I find that using an acronym when sending a condolence or honouring the one who has passed is kind of terrible. It says to me, "I can't be bothered to write out the full phrase. I have more important things to do."

It takes all the respect out of giving your respect. It trivializes the statement to the same level as "lol" and "ftw" and "fml". I guess some people still throw in the periods between the letters which takes a complicated two button press to execute (and you have to do it a full three times!).

It is even more pronounced when people use the "R.I.P." for comedic purposes. You know something like, "I just threw up in front of a pretty girl, R.I.P. My Dignity." I'm not against "R.I.P." used in that way, but it also highlights that we also used this terrible shorthand for something we try to honour.


Of course, some people might point out that "R.I.P." has been apart of society for a long time and they'd be correct. However, the use comes out from idea to save space on a tombstone or save money or both. Especially since "R.I.P." was originally from the Latin "Reqiescat in Pace" (which is still "Rest in Peace") and that takes way more space. However, we have no reason to shorten the phrase on our Facebook walls or Twitter posts (although I guess there is better argument for that last one).


If the Undertaker had ended his promos with "May you R...I...P..." it would not have the same gravitas.


Why does this matter to you? Two reasons. One, if you are sincere with wanting to honour the dead, it seems to me that typing out the full phrase much more respectful than putting it on the same level as a text message. Second, if I die and I find out that you have written "R.I.P. David Rae" I will forsake my place in heaven and come back to haunt you until the day you die and then when you enter the spiritual realm, I will kick you in the nuts.


P.S. I should point out that I realize that people are going to see this and this will be just like how I don't like puns. When people find that out, they go out of their way to tell me about the brilliant little pun on some roadside sign somewhere. So, when I die, it will be "R.I.P. David Rae" everywhere but they will regret that when I start tipping over their drinks into their Xbox 360s from beyond the grave.

The Christmas Plan

For a lot of people, Christmas has not really tracked on their radar yet. For me, it almost feels like old news. While the church was just beginning to put up decorations today, I've finished the first video for Advent and have most of the scripts worked out for the Christmas season. I still need to hand out some scripts and have them practiced but nonetheless, I feel pretty prepared for the season. I've bought a present for my mom and I just need to find one for my brother and then I'm done. I've been thinking about Christmas and what it is, what it means, what people think about it, how people treat it, and what do I think about it.

It's got me back to my familiar battle of Christmas. What am I going to do? I don't really want to be here for Christmas (no offense to my host family) but it is like when I go to other people's places for Christmas dinner. I would rather disappear for the day and reflect on what it means that Christ came into the world than go through the dinner with another's family. I get it that Christmas doesn't have to involve family to take in Christmas on a spiritual level, but the cultural connotation that emphasizes family at this time is there and it continually reminds me of my dissatisfaction with the state of mine while I am with another family. The thing is, I would be fine just pulling away for the one day and let everyone else do their family thing, whether it's good or bad, or whether others are in the same boat as me and lack a family element in their Christmas. The thing is that I am not living in an apartment but rather in somebody else's home. Which is fine. Their daughter comes over all the time and that family element is there and that's ok. I just don't want to be here for their Christmas.

I saw a post on my Facebook wall talking about how strange it was to play Rock Band and not have me there. I immediately wished I was there. Up until now, I was debating whether it would be worth it to go back to Winnipeg for Christmas due to the money and crazy time of year for travel. I realized that I really do want to go back. For several reasons. All of them people. Now, I'm not saying that I am wanting to pack up and leave Nelson, but I need to make those connections again. I mean, aside from the month span in September, I have been away from the city since May.

Also, I realized that I do have two traditions at Christmas time. One is the Anderson Family Christmas Dinner. It is one that I have mixed feelings about with the whole other family thing going on. I mean, I always have a fantastic time and don't ever regret going, great food, wonderful people, etcetera, etcetera, but I guess I would rather have something with my own family. 

The other one being the Aaron Hildebrandt New Year's/Birthday Extravaganza. I have gone for the last few years and there is something about that tradition that I like. I would never say that the folk that go there are my family and that I super close with all of them, because I'm not. Maybe its the tradition of the things. The reliability of it. The fact that there are some people there that I would consider almost on the level of brother and sister.

So I booked my flight. I told Aaron that I am inviting myself to his party. He was fine with that.

And to solve the problem of Christmas, I booked the flight on Christmas day. I will have to leave before anything starts here and arrive after anything that happens there. I will get to spend my time with people that I want to and their family stuff will be done.

Also I will get to rightfully claim my position as the singer at Rock Band. I've been going to karaoke for the last several weeks, so I'm on top of my game. I'm ready.

Plus, I will get to add a whole bunch of check ins for my 'foursquare' account! That "JetSetter" badge will be mine!

"I'm going home to Manitoba

Skies get wide

The river is free

I'm going home to Manitoba

Going to put my weary heart at ease"

- "Home to Manitoba" from Del Barber's "Love Songs for the Last 20"

Ba-leted!

For those who don't know I was referencing Strong Bad from Homestarrunner.com. It sort of fits because I have just finished deleting my email account from the same era of my life that I used to consistently visit that site.

You see, my rationalized reasoning for keeping the account was twofold. One was in case I needed to put down an email address so that way I could get some free bonus from a store, I would use the old email address instead of my current Gmail account. The second was that the account had some emails on there that I kept for memory's sake.

Unfortunately, the email has been compromised and I had to shut it down. Technically, I am pretty sure it has been for a while, but I didn't really want to delete it. I didn't want to lose all those emails. It is sort of like that hoarder mentality. I don't know why I would need to use those emails again, but I figured I should hold onto them. So I kept the account.

However, my friend Aaron noted that he had received a spam email from the old account and suggested I delete it. So I went searching for the elusive deletion button and eventually found it. As my arrow hung dramatically over the "delete forever and ever" button, I stopped and pulled up some of the emails that I had saved for the past ten years.

I had a folder for a series of emails I had exchanged with my friend, Erik, that I did in regards to a CBC class called "Communicating Faith". The emails emulated the book called "Letters from a Skeptic"where I essentially got Erik to tell me his reasons for not believing in God and then I would try to offer my perspective using my new found Bible school knowledge. I didn't convert him. I didn't really expect to, even though I remember it always being a hope of mine.

I had emails from a girl from high school with whom I tried to, how do I say, rescue? She was a troubled girl and was desperately looking for acceptance. I remember trying to be there for her, but ultimately she pulled away. I don't know where she is or how she is doing. I still remember the last time I talked to her in person, it was a year after high school and I met her randomly in the Brandon mall. My heart broke as I wished I could help her out. I tried to convince her to stay in contact, but I never did... Every damn time I think of her, I get sick with a deep sorrow. I wish so badly to find her or at the very bloody least, know that she is ok. That she found her peace. Damn.

I had a folder dedicated to the many emails from other CBCers with whom we tried to keep in contact with for a little while. Eventually, all of them I let slip away over time. I remember one of the last lessons taught there was that everyone has two kinds of friends. There are the friends that you have for life and ones you have for a portion. Both are needed and can impact us, but the reality is, not everybody can be friends with everyone they meet for all time. It gives us a certain appreciation for people while we have them and to try and make the most of our relationships. It wasn't until Facebook came along that I connected back to many of them, but most in that very surface Facebook way. However, I am fine with that. I get glimpses into their lives and that's fine for me.

I had an email from one of the girl counsellors from my time on the CBC Team (which I would join it's later incarnation called the "Camp Ministry Team") with whom I made a connection. It was this innocent kind of thing. I remember holding hands with her on one of the last nights that I was there. We connected pretty well, but we never seriously pursued anything because of the age-old problem of distance (especially since I had been severely hurt by a previous long distance relationship). However, once I went to Providence and started dating another girl, I thought I had to tell my summer crush that I should maybe keep my distance. I remember I was trying to be honorable in my relationship to my girlfriend (which wound up breaking up after a month). It was funny (now in a kind of melancholy way) that I went ahead and did that and my girlfriend was like "you didn't need to do that". I unnecessarily burned that bridge. Once in a while, I think about that time. That girl was one of the few that actually showed interest in me that I had interest in back. How stupid was I.

And of course, there was the folder of emails from the girl with whom I had that long distance relationship that has forever scared me away from the idea. The girl from South Dakota. Man, was I earnest in those days. I wanted to talk to her all the time. Buying calling cards. Going to her prom. Eventually, she stopped taking my calls and rarely returning emails and to me it seemed for no reason that I could think. It just came to an end one day. I think what killed me for the longest time was that there was no explanation and so I put it on myself. It had to have been me. That I creeped her out or I had said something wrong or that she just realized that I was unsuitable. It significantly impacted how I treated future relationships and how I viewed myself. In fact, I don't know if I've even fully shaken it. I should say that she has since found me on Facebook and I was finally given the closure I needed.

As you can see, not really too much happy stuff in there. But I didn't want to forget it. I didn't want to lose it for what ever reason even though it was essentially pain that it stored. Perhaps suitably, it was infected with a virus that and made the account something that needed to be dealt with and ousted. I suppose the real reason that I never could just rid myself of it was because it was a record of my relationships that had formed me. And I guess the other reason was I always wanted to keep that email open in case Noemi would send me a message and I could finally rescue her.

It's closed now and I hope that I can remember the lessons from the past and move forward.

And I pray for God look over Noemi, because I don't know if anyone else is.

"Take leave the conscious mind
Found myself to be so inclined
Why sleep in discontent?
Oh, the price of companionship
My shadow runs with me underneath the big wide sun
My shadow comes with me as we leave it all far behind"
- "Far Behind" by Eddie Vedder from the Into the Wild soundtrack

Settled

Last night, the church had a thanksgiving type dinner which I am completely aware is not really near either the Canadian nor the American holiday, but I think that was the point. Anyway, it was a lot of fun and the exciting part was that they gave me a space of time to do some comedy. Whatever I wanted. It was great because I didn't even ask for it. It was requested of me and that is always much more appreciated.

It was going to be only the third time that I have performed something live for the church and the first two times were for the youth. This was for both the Saturday night and the Sunday morning congregations. I felt that this was really going to be the test for me. I have done a few videos now, but I would only consider one of them truly indicative of my typical comedy and that is the David Interviews David video. The others have been my Lost parody called Misplaced which is a different kind of animal. That is because since I was doing a parody, I try to make it such that it can be understood by those unfamiliar with the source, but at the same time sticking with the broad concept presented in the source. That means that the humor is slightly different and since I was trying to really incorporate the mysterious element of Lost into the videos, I wanted to make sure that the conversations between the characters to be straight forward so that the bulk of the audience can at least derive some semblance of a point.

I say all that to basically point out that Misplaced is not typical and if it doesn't go over, that's ok. However, this is me on stage doing stand up a la the Early Night Show. There is no genre that filters my presentation, it is what I think is funny and since their is no filter, it also means that I am exposing myself. If it goes well, then I feel safe. If it flops due to content, then I know that it is done.

That's where the good news comes in. It went very well in my eyes. Every joke got at least a little reaction and I felt the positive energy of the crowd. It gives me a vote of confidence to the point where when people ask me, "Are you settled into Nelson, yet?" I say, "Yes."

"And I think I like how the day sounds
Like how the day sounds through this new song
Thank you for opening the window
The sky is clear as my mind is now
I was a long, long way off
Join me in welcoming the sun in
It's much brighter than the night I hid in
I was a long, long way off"
- "How the Day Sounds" from the Greg Laswell album "Three Flights From Alto Nido"

Broken, Not Defective

I don't it's too much of a secret that the Christian church views humanity as broken, which I agree. In Romans, it says "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (3:23) and goes on the speak about the redemption that comes from Jesus Christ and it was by grace that we are forgiven. Awesome. Completely onboard. Everyone can admit that we don't always live up to the standard of perfection of always loving other people and God. It is an inevitability that we will be selfish because there is a lot of time in our lifetimes where we can screw up.

I will also concede that even once you are a Christian and you are gung ho for being a better disciple, it is not necessarily easier to live a life of righteousness and generousity. We still have desires in our heart that lead us to make serve ourselves and will continue to have until the very day we die and we are likely to screw many times before that time comes.

However, I also hear a lot of talk that also makes it seem like humanity is incapable of being good. It is like it is in fashion for a Christian to have a heaping dose of self hatred and poor self image. That we are so flawed that anything good we do accomplish is clearly only because of the grace of God. I have even heard from a few people that wouldn't be able to love anybody without God. Really? You would not be able to love anybody?

Now, when I respond so incredulously like I just did, Christians will concede that "well, ok, I could love a little bit, but I couldn't keep it up and love everybody or for a long time". I sometimes wonder if perhaps we think that the standard is actually way higher than it really is. I don't love everybody in the world. It would be ludicrous for me to say that I do. I haven't met over six billion of them. I don't think God even expects us to because that is way beyond our capability. That's where I think some people think that we are broken and are sinful because we don't "love everybody".

I think that we are to love those who are our neighbour. Those that we have contact with and where we can impact people. Just because I don't send a care package to every one of the six billion people out there or pray for each one individually it doesn't mean that is why we "have fallen short of the glory of God".

I also believe that people are fully capable of loving others and I think that many do even without "Jesus being in their heart". Why? Because we may be broken, but we are not defective. I am aware that I may be arguing semantics, but what I am getting at is that there is a common thread in a lot of Christian thought that says that we are essentially fleshy garbage and that we can not do any good unless it is God working through us.

What happens because of this thought I think is that we start punishing and belittling ourselves for being garbage because of our transgressions and we actually don't move on. We cry to Jesus to forgive us, but we aren't willing to embrace that idea that we can be different and be people who love and live lives that are good. God has forgiven us, but we refuse to forgive ourselves. Paul even writes that when we follow Christ, our old selves died on the cross with Him, but in the same way, we are resurrected with Him. He gives second life and it is one that we share with Him. We are able to shake free of the burden of the law and always being worried about always having to give sacrifices, but rather focusing on becoming more what God wants us to be which is to love God, love others and transform lives. We recognize that we may still screw up, but let's not dwell on that. Let's just keep pushing forward and trying to become better. Trying to become this sort of heroic persona of ourselves.

We are not garbage. We are people that are selfish and hurt others and we get off track. We are also people who can love and be good and God wants us to move past those mistakes and become perfect even to the point of forgiving us at all costs as long as we are willing to change and follow the way of life Jesus exemplified and preached. Making Jesus our Lord.

The good news about this is that God doesn't actually think you are defective and terrible. The good news is that He wants us to succeed and be righteous or in other words perfect, willing to look past our mistakes through forgiveness given to us by Christ. That He wants to save us from ourselves that would lead us to the destruction of our eternal selves.

The hard part of this versus this traditional idea from the church that we are scumbags and that God should just wipe us out but for some inexplicable reason is willing to forgive us, is that because we are fully capable of being these heroic personas, we are obligated to strive to become that. It is not some magic prayer that lets us in, but actually us changing our attitudes and behaviors to be more outward focussed.

It seems like when we have this idea that we are scumbags, then it is somehow okay to continue on hurting others or ourselves or God because we are so dependent on grace anyways, that it's just all kind of a wash. That as long as we are perpetually groveling to God then we'll make it into heaven okay. If God believes that we are scumbags and are completely incapable of being able to live good lives, then all He is doing is redeeming garbage.

However, He knows us. He knows that we are able to live lives that are generous, benevolent, sacrificial and honorable lives and that we just need to turn away from ourselves and follow Him, then He is redeeming heroes who don't realize that they could be heroes.

I am absolutely tired of Christians hating themselves and others simply because we are human. We make kids believe that they are entrenched with evil and need to ask for mercy. This attitude is what I believe keeps people from Jesus and the church. This attitude makes people weak and afraid to stand up and become the people Jesus actually calls us to be. To be human is to struggle, but to be human also means to have potential.

It hurts so much because I know that a life that follows Christ is about becoming better people, not about how we're evil. Jesus came to break those chains that we seem to want to continue to carry. But people will refuse. They will continue to hate themselves in spite of the fact Jesus loves them.

"He floated back down 'cause he wanted to share

His key to the locks on the chains he saw everywhere

But first he was stripped and then he was stabbed

By faceless men, well, fuckers

He still stands

And he still gives his love, he just gives it away

The love he receives is the love that is saved

And sometimes is seen a strange spot in the sky

A human being that was given to fly"

- "Given to Fly" from the Pearl Jam album "Yield"

Theoretical Life

It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted and that's because I've been busy. Sort of. That's the excuse I'm going with. I have been given a variety of projects to work on and it will definitely take up my time which is good. I've felt like I have just been passing time reading "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" and watching Chronologically Lost since I got here and now that the pastors are back, I have direction and am doing stuff.

My first video that I made to introduce myself to the congregation went over fairly well and I've been validated enough to know that at least some people appreciate it and get it. Which is a relief. This weekend I get to show the first of my videos that I shot with some of the youth from the church and I am super excited to see how it goes. It was one of the longest days of shooting I have ever done and it was good to see that my performers were with me the whole way. Mind you, they got to throw tomato juice at each other, so that probably helped them keep their attention. Curious? You'll have to wait. It consists of four videos that go along with the idea of God's will. Anyway, I'll talk more about the videos when I post them.

However, it also means I am a bit ahead of the curve. I have another youth worship night in less than a week that I have to get a monologue ready for and then I am essentially waiting for Advent. Advent, for those who are unaware, is the period of time in the church calender where you are waiting for the arrival of Christ (aka Christmas). So, I am basically waiting to wait. Actually, I have a lot to get ready for Christmas time with several sketches for the Sundays leading up to Christmas as well as for a couple of special events. If I have it right, it's about nine or ten sketches and/or videos I have to get ready. Which is a lot to present in a month.

The thing I have been debating is whether or not I should have a show for the end of November. I was originally thinking that I would, but if I did start working on something, then that may put me behind the ball on the Christmas stuff. I'll have to get on that as soon as possible if I want it to happen.

That's my ministry life right there and it's the thing that consumes my time. Working in a ministry as a major part of your life, such as the Camp Ministry Team or the Mr. Chapel tour is always a little strange because you spend so much of your day reflecting on things that you believe and your walk with God and theology and humanity and all that kind of heady stuff which is something that I already do quite a bit of on my own free time anyway, that it can kind of turns into this feeling of like you are detached from the rest of the world. I don't think it's unique to ministry, because it probably is common in the various creative fields or fields that involve philosophy or other high-minded careers. This is of course because unlike a trade or retail or other jobs, you leave your work at work. Meanwhile, I feels like I always am or always should be thinking about these ideas.

I don't know how common it is for other people to think a lot about their place in their world or reflect on their lives, but I do a lot. I mean, that's one of the reasons for this blog. I have noticed that this blog revolves around my thoughts and less to do with concrete events in my life. Usually, it's an anecdote that then lead me to think about something deeper. For instance, if I buy a pickle sandwich, I will go off into my little world and think about stuff like "what if I am like this pickle sandwich? Just waiting to be ordered and eaten?" instead of asking myself, "Why the heck are you ordering a pickle sandwich?" In other words, I am already way too wrapped up in my thoughts and mortality and garbage like that, that to now also have my job to continue thinking about that kind of stuff makes me think, "Maybe I need to get a life". By that, I mean, go and be with people and make sure I am grounded in reality and not so consumed with the theory of life that I miss the living of life.

Oh well. Maybe I just feel that way because I am still getting to know people and trying to make friends here. Maybe it's the change of the relationships I have that have become more distant and have a lot more free time than I'm used to. Either way, I should say that this is a relatively minor thing. I feel so blessed to do something that I really like to do and that's to entertain people and make them laugh.

Blessed be the name of the Lord. (Oh no. I'm being assimilated.)

"The Blacksmith and The Artist
Reflect it in their art
They forge their creativity
Closer to the heart"
- "Closer to the Heart" from the Rush album "A Farewell to Kings"

Playing Pretend

On Wednesday, it was "International Suit Up Day". It came from Facebook, so I knew it was a legitimate holiday. Of course, any excuse for me wearing a suit is good enough and so I did my business that day in my suit. I felt very official and purposeful as I walked around in it. I felt it created a nice illusion of importance and direction.

It kind of did not work though when I headed to the local bank to set up an account. As I proceeded into the office and sat down with the lady (I don't know the official name of an account setter-upper) I realized how uncomfortable I was. I was fidgeting and moving around trying to find the proper sitting position so that way I looked comfortable and was clearly a man who was in control. Instead I felt more like a little kid who borrowed a suit that belonged to his dad and it was way too big for him. It was like I was playing pretend. Which I guess I was.

When I went to youth group that night (still in the suit) people often assumed that I must have had an important interview earlier that day. Nope. No, I didn't. I was just wearing a suit. I was faking. I helped out another fellow with the junior high boys group. In a lot of ways, it was like I playing pretend in there too. The guys were just excited to be there hanging out with their friends and not at all interested about discussing deeper matters. I can completely understand. A typical junior high boy who is put in the same room as their friends, they are there to mess around. There's no focus except for the focus on trying to find something to laugh at. Questions asked were given enough attention so to start a sentence before something hilarious was found to laugh at. It was hard. I didn't want to be there for an hour and a half and hammer through all the theological questions they may have had and explore the great struggle that is faith. However I didn't want to be there for an hour and a half and not be able to get any reflection. Yet, I couldn't resolve that then. I needed more time to be able to accommodate teaching to their headspace. I wasn't leading, but I was trying to help. I was a little frustrated because at least at that point, I had and have no idea how to be able to bring these guys to a place of reflection without making it seem like I am trying to punish them for being excited and wanting to mess around with their friends.

I kind of felt like I was just wearing a suit.

Last night, I wanted to try and take in some of the art scene of Nelson and went to a show at the Royal where Jen Lane was playing. I was amazed at the quality of sound from a bar stage. Usually, I expect for the mix to be off and sound "live", but somehow it sounded like album quality and you could appreciate the disciplined nuances to her voice. I can not really describe what I mean by that, but just know it sounded good. Anyway, as I was sitting there by myself taking in the show, I figured I needed to start reaching out to some of the people here in the town. I walked over to another table with a lone guy and introduced myself. We had a quick chat before the final set and after the show continued in our discussion. We talked about why I believed in Christianity, what does it mean to follow Jesus, Buddhist teachings, and pursuing a better life. An hour and a half past and I found myself outside the bar at 2:30am and realized I wanted to sleep. I also realized how far away I am in my spiritual perspective from the relativistic and universalist drug culture of this place. By the way, I know that not everyone is like that here and also that people like that exist back in Manitoba, but I was thinking how it was almost like I here talking to a people of a foreign culture to mine and that I am trying to connect to something I can't fully understand. Like I was just wearing a suit.

I am not as social as people assume I am especially in this place even though there are many people my age here. It feels like there is a lot of expectation from the people here and from myself that I am going to be the all-star here and as I'm facing it down, I am starting to get that feeling in my gut that I haven't felt since the early days of doing plays in high school. I have this nervous excitement that knows that this could be awesome and I could do big things and have the confidence that I have the ability to do it, but also have the lingering anxiety of how it could all fall apart if I forget a line.

I think if I can learn something from my many years of performing and perhaps I can take comfort in, is that I am really good at faking knowing what I am doing up there. All I need to do is find a way to look comfortable wearing my suit.

"All in the suit that you wear

When you're looking for something

It's in the suit that you wear

When you're hiding from someone

All in the suit that you wear

When you wear it

Hey you, you keep a-walking the razor

On the edge, you cut your feet when you stand in there

In the meantime, there's always someone to set you free

Hey you, will you ever get out of there?"

- "All in the Suit that You Wear" from the Stone Temple Pilot album "Thank You"

The Other David Rae

I have a doppleganger. His name is David Rae, he lives in Oregon, is involved with his fraternity and seems to have quite a few friends that love hanging out with him. How do I know so much about him? Because I frequently receive his email that gets mistakenly sent to my account. It's because there is a difference of one letter in our email address. It's a bit amusing because I'll receive an email from someone that I don't know and as I read it I realize this has nothing to do with me, I scroll to the end and find out that the person originates from the west coast which gives me relief that I don't have to put together some major event that I had completely forgotten about and I promptly forward it to the correct (and by the sounds of it more successful) version of David Rae.

Anyways, I recently received congratulations for my wedding. I mean his wedding. It was in the last few weeks and as I sent it off to him, I added my own greeting to it.

It's kind of fun to have these quick snapshots of another guy with my name. I don't try to snoop or anything, it's just that I have read numerous first paragraphs of his emails.

I was thinking about that a bit today as the girl I dated just under a year ago is getting married today. In fact, as I write this, she's probably at her reception or something. It's strange to think that I could have been married today and that those congratulatory emails would have been address to me and not the Other David Rae.

I know that it most likely would not have worked out with her (because she never could pick up on my apparently hard to follow sarcasm) but none the less I can tell you that I would not be sitting in my sweet Batcave-like office in Nelson writing scripts and books and doing something completely different with my life in a land that I don't quite understand.

It's like I am living in a parallel universe and every once in a while, I get an email that sent to the wrong one universe. Many people who know me know that I think about that other world. Maybe it's one of the reasons I am so fascinated with time travel as a literary device. The idea of what would it be like if things would be different. It might be a neat exercise in imagination, but ultimately it has nothing to do with now and who I am here. Apart of the aspects of having the inability to change the past is so that way we try to make the best possible choices. If I could go back and change things and make it the way I would want, I would also not be me. I would not develop as a person and gain wisdom and experience. All my time would be spent going back and perfecting everything that I am not really enjoying it.

I played Civilization a lot and in that game, I would save my game right before attempting to take over a new city and then attack. If it didn't turn out because I lost too many guys or my guys were simply not strong enough to take on the defenders, then I would just hit the reload button and try again or wait another turn when I would send in even more guys. However, in those war campaigns of mine, I would spent so much time trying to get the result I wanted that the game took so much longer and ultimately not that enjoyable.

What is more interesting is when people face conflicts and every once in a while fail and then become better because of it. I find that I have to keep reminding myself of that. I can't focus on what could have been or wondering if I screwed up, because it takes me out of the enjoyment and the development of where I am now.

Hopefully, after today, I don't have to keep looking over to the David Rae who could have been married right now, but rather realizing that the things that happened have made me who I am. If I would have reloaded the game and instead be the Other David Rae then I wouldn't be truly the right man. I would be the doppelganger.

"I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The Christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up"

- "Wishlist" from Pearl Jam's "Yield" album

David Rae, Adventurer

I have come to realize that although I have talked quite a bit about moving to Nelson, I haven't really explained what I'm doing here. So here is the basic rundown. I am here for at least three months and probably longer (assuming that I am not tossed out for heresy or drinking too much communion juice). My responsibilities include creating sketches and videos for the church as well as helping with the youth group (which has around forty to fifty kids) at various events. In exchange, I am getting free room and board. I'm being called an intern and that is probably the most accurate description of what I am doing here. However, it was inspired by having a conversation with Pastor Arden earlier in the summer. He mentioned how he wished that there was some way to reach out to his community which is a heavily arts focused place. He and I were on the same wavelength when it came to art in the church which was "if you can't do it well, don't do it at all". After walking away from that conversation, I was thinking about the approach that the church used to have in regards to art in that they used to pay for resident artists. Churches would have composers on site to write hymns and artists painted murals and masterworks like Michelangelo's work in the Sistine Chapel. My idea was inspired by the concept.

However, what really excited me about the whole thing is that it feels like I am a bona fide adventurer from all those role playing games. Like in Final Fantasy, where you'd go to a town and discover that there is something wrong going on and your team has to stop it and save the town and then move on to the next place. In a way, I feel like I am coming into town to help wherever I can for a little while before I move onto the next adventure elsewhere. I am actually looking for a variety of tasks to do. If I am needed to help out somewhere else, I'd be game. For instance, the house I'm staying at is in the process of going through renovations so I offered to help out. It's like I have a quest log and I am here to earn experience and do some good where it's needed.

After this Nelson adventure, I am seriously considering going back on the Camp Ministry Team which is even more like an adventuring troupe with it's continual travel and a many opportunities to come in and help doing a variety of tasks.

Life Together is another place I am considering after that. It would be different and has a unique vibe to it. Kind of like a version of a monastery. It's a house where people stay for a year or more to focus on discipleship and service.

I just like the idea of going from one opportunity to help to another. Maybe down the line, I'll do some missions work somewhere. Maybe I'll do another resident artist stint in some other church. I don't know what lies ahead. I don't believe I can do it forever, but for now with how things are for me this is the life that seems like the best path for me.

There have been a couple of comments from people that I am "sacrificing a lot" to come out here and do this which I guess is true. Sure, maybe I am not really advancing a career per se, nor am I really preparing myself financially for the future but I think if anything, it seems selfish. Only in the sense that I get to do what I really like doing and get to doing while serving others and doing something positive. So like a positive selfishness. Plus I get to be an adventurer.

"Though I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
And here I go again on my own,
Going down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time."
- Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" from their self-titled album