Broken, Not Defective

I don't it's too much of a secret that the Christian church views humanity as broken, which I agree. In Romans, it says "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (3:23) and goes on the speak about the redemption that comes from Jesus Christ and it was by grace that we are forgiven. Awesome. Completely onboard. Everyone can admit that we don't always live up to the standard of perfection of always loving other people and God. It is an inevitability that we will be selfish because there is a lot of time in our lifetimes where we can screw up.

I will also concede that even once you are a Christian and you are gung ho for being a better disciple, it is not necessarily easier to live a life of righteousness and generousity. We still have desires in our heart that lead us to make serve ourselves and will continue to have until the very day we die and we are likely to screw many times before that time comes.

However, I also hear a lot of talk that also makes it seem like humanity is incapable of being good. It is like it is in fashion for a Christian to have a heaping dose of self hatred and poor self image. That we are so flawed that anything good we do accomplish is clearly only because of the grace of God. I have even heard from a few people that wouldn't be able to love anybody without God. Really? You would not be able to love anybody?

Now, when I respond so incredulously like I just did, Christians will concede that "well, ok, I could love a little bit, but I couldn't keep it up and love everybody or for a long time". I sometimes wonder if perhaps we think that the standard is actually way higher than it really is. I don't love everybody in the world. It would be ludicrous for me to say that I do. I haven't met over six billion of them. I don't think God even expects us to because that is way beyond our capability. That's where I think some people think that we are broken and are sinful because we don't "love everybody".

I think that we are to love those who are our neighbour. Those that we have contact with and where we can impact people. Just because I don't send a care package to every one of the six billion people out there or pray for each one individually it doesn't mean that is why we "have fallen short of the glory of God".

I also believe that people are fully capable of loving others and I think that many do even without "Jesus being in their heart". Why? Because we may be broken, but we are not defective. I am aware that I may be arguing semantics, but what I am getting at is that there is a common thread in a lot of Christian thought that says that we are essentially fleshy garbage and that we can not do any good unless it is God working through us.

What happens because of this thought I think is that we start punishing and belittling ourselves for being garbage because of our transgressions and we actually don't move on. We cry to Jesus to forgive us, but we aren't willing to embrace that idea that we can be different and be people who love and live lives that are good. God has forgiven us, but we refuse to forgive ourselves. Paul even writes that when we follow Christ, our old selves died on the cross with Him, but in the same way, we are resurrected with Him. He gives second life and it is one that we share with Him. We are able to shake free of the burden of the law and always being worried about always having to give sacrifices, but rather focusing on becoming more what God wants us to be which is to love God, love others and transform lives. We recognize that we may still screw up, but let's not dwell on that. Let's just keep pushing forward and trying to become better. Trying to become this sort of heroic persona of ourselves.

We are not garbage. We are people that are selfish and hurt others and we get off track. We are also people who can love and be good and God wants us to move past those mistakes and become perfect even to the point of forgiving us at all costs as long as we are willing to change and follow the way of life Jesus exemplified and preached. Making Jesus our Lord.

The good news about this is that God doesn't actually think you are defective and terrible. The good news is that He wants us to succeed and be righteous or in other words perfect, willing to look past our mistakes through forgiveness given to us by Christ. That He wants to save us from ourselves that would lead us to the destruction of our eternal selves.

The hard part of this versus this traditional idea from the church that we are scumbags and that God should just wipe us out but for some inexplicable reason is willing to forgive us, is that because we are fully capable of being these heroic personas, we are obligated to strive to become that. It is not some magic prayer that lets us in, but actually us changing our attitudes and behaviors to be more outward focussed.

It seems like when we have this idea that we are scumbags, then it is somehow okay to continue on hurting others or ourselves or God because we are so dependent on grace anyways, that it's just all kind of a wash. That as long as we are perpetually groveling to God then we'll make it into heaven okay. If God believes that we are scumbags and are completely incapable of being able to live good lives, then all He is doing is redeeming garbage.

However, He knows us. He knows that we are able to live lives that are generous, benevolent, sacrificial and honorable lives and that we just need to turn away from ourselves and follow Him, then He is redeeming heroes who don't realize that they could be heroes.

I am absolutely tired of Christians hating themselves and others simply because we are human. We make kids believe that they are entrenched with evil and need to ask for mercy. This attitude is what I believe keeps people from Jesus and the church. This attitude makes people weak and afraid to stand up and become the people Jesus actually calls us to be. To be human is to struggle, but to be human also means to have potential.

It hurts so much because I know that a life that follows Christ is about becoming better people, not about how we're evil. Jesus came to break those chains that we seem to want to continue to carry. But people will refuse. They will continue to hate themselves in spite of the fact Jesus loves them.

"He floated back down 'cause he wanted to share

His key to the locks on the chains he saw everywhere

But first he was stripped and then he was stabbed

By faceless men, well, fuckers

He still stands

And he still gives his love, he just gives it away

The love he receives is the love that is saved

And sometimes is seen a strange spot in the sky

A human being that was given to fly"

- "Given to Fly" from the Pearl Jam album "Yield"

You Are Not a Beautiful Snowflake

I was at Bible study last night with some folks and we were talking about calling and purpose and what's the difference. It was essentially us trying figure out the semantics and use of the words inside the Christian context. However, the discussion touched on many ideas that revolve what is a person's role in this world and it happened to touch on the idea of special.

I think the idea of special is one that really bothers me because I think it is one that has really penetrated our society and collective philosophy. I grew up in school being told that everyone is special and that I was apart of a generation that could change the world. I think the last part of that is funny, because that is innate to every generation. Anyway, I have never liked that word of special because it is used too liberally and has negatively impacted my generation and the ones that follow, especially when people were using it, they usually were intending the word uniqueness.

I believe that everyone is their own person and have their own thoughts and have their own path even if it does parallel several others. They are given a different environment with different family situations and different towns and schools. People from all over the world might make similar choices to you, but there are so many aspects to a person's being, character, history, thought process and perspective that they are their own.

Special on the other hand implies that you have something that is above and beyond everybody else. Whether it is some special talent or skill that rises above all the rest or that you have been given an earth shaking responsibility that could change the world. That is what special is. It is interesting because people use the terms unique and special interchangeably which has deceived many people think that they are some bright shining star high above all the rest. Look at American Idol and the continual parade of delusion that trots out their underdeveloped or simply non-existent skill or talent. These people are shocked to have learned 20 years too late that they are not gifted singers and that clearly the tuned ears of professionals are the ones that are mistaken. They have come to believe that their secret talent is what's going to rescue them from their dull lives and bring them the celebrity life that they deserve because they are special.

Look at movies. They do not help at all. Aside from the movie "Fame", most of those coming of age movies have some young protagonist who wants to pursue their dream of being the world's greatest musician/filmmaker/Rolling Stone article writer and they endure the trials of their career choice despite the objections of their parents or what all those mentors have to say and eventually they make it. You never hear of the other 99% of endings to those stories where they realize that they don't have the real discipline, fortune, skill or talent to actually make that dream become a reality and they are left in a wasteland of disillusionment of who they have determined themselves to be.

Even if a person doesn't actually pursue their dream, they still believe that if they really wanted to, they could make it which is the great deception of people's egos. Seriously, if you asked the guy working at the burger joint that if he really put all his effort into his dream of becoming the next Jimi Hendrix or Jim Morrison or Fred Durst, they would say that yes, they could they just don't want the lifestyle or to buckle down and do it or whatever other reason. They realize it would take work and time, but they frequently believe that they could if given time, money, and resources because they know they have some special gift or message for the world. The reality way more often than not that no you couldn't.

It has crept into our North American thought so much, that it even creeps into our theology. We believe that God has some special plan just for us and we have to be primarily concerned with determining what that is. People hold back until they hear that magic voice that commands them to go forth and do whatever God says. The reality is that God does have a call on our lives, but it is way more basic than people wish. Love God and love others. That is it. Now, there may be some that get some grand task given to them from on high, but chances are that that person is not you or me. We have been given a sphere of influence and that is what we are responsible for. We are meant to reach out to those that we can love and influence. We are not going to save the world. You are not Moses. You are not Solomon. You are not John. You definitely are not Jesus. Most likely, you're not one of the people mentioned in the genealogies. You are not a beautiful snowflake. Ok, that one was maybe a little harsh. But it's that kind of message that is drowned out by so much of the media and culture that surrounds us. We are being coddled and not pushed.

Here's the thing. We are unique, just (most likely) not special. At least special on a cosmic scale. However, we are special to some people. I think of my friends as special people because I have a relationship with them. I can see that divine spark in them. I have different bonds with different people. When you are in love, you have a special connection to that person you're in love with. And you're special to them. The rest of the world could disappear, but if you're with the one you love, then it's ok.

Don't bother with thinking that you are special, because you are setting yourself up for a grand disappointment. If God has some special plan for you, He'll make sure you know. In the mean time, reach out to those around you. Find the divine spark in them. Make them special to you.

"You know what you are

You're gonna be a star

Wing is written on your feet

Your achilles heel is a tendency to dream

But you've know that from the beginning

You didn't have to go so far

You didn't have to go."

- "All the Way to Reno" from R.E.M.'s album "Reveal"

Facing Down a New Year

So here I am on New Year's Day. Shortly after midnight, I can hear people downstairs chatting about I don't give a crap. I can hear a couple very much in love softly talking in the next room. I needed to get away to a place away from the others for a few minutes and reflect.

Rebecca didn't show as just as I assumed she wouldn't. I mean, I admit that I hoped she would've but I have no idea what I would say if she did. But that is done. I don't have to give hope in that field of my life any more attention.

I don't know exactly what to expect in the new year. I feel cautiously optimistic. I know I am, in essence, starting from scratch. I have to cover some ground this year and really start pushing myself.

At this point, I feel school is on the horizon for me (although it feels like I'm changing my mind weekly). I figure that if I can get an education degree and start teaching then I can finally settle into an actual career. A career that I could be very good at.

My money situation is not in a very good place either. I really need a roommate. I need to double my efforts and help take the edge off of the strain. Despite this, I do not feel panicked about it, but I know that it is going to make my whole school situation even more difficult.

I need to embrace hope a little more and deny cynicism and pessimism. I keep being reminded of how I am turning 27 soon, which is the age a lot of major rock stars die. I don't know why that little piece trivia keeps surfacing like that (although do not worry, I am swimming in a lot of random trivial information). I need to reach out to my fellow man. I remember how I've told other people that you can't get wrapped up in yourself in the face of pain or you're going to wind up imploding.

For the first time in my life, I am looking at a new year in front of me that seems to have a lot of stacked challenges as I also bring with me a few too many wounds and disappointments from the previous year.

I can not be mad at God for my situation. I have been slowly for my situation. I have been slowly settling into this place and it would be silly of me to blame anyone but myself. Some times I merely hit some bad and unfortunate breaks but I have made my home in the shadow of my heart and my broken will has made me less of a good person than I once thought I was and would be.

My prayer for this year is that God gives me the insight and ability to rectify who I am and get back to my imagined persona of honour. I also pray for either the grace of God or my own innate insight to bring something good. I don't what that good thing should be. I used to think I knew, but I think I need help on this one.

All this said, I still stand by what I said. I am cautiously optimistic. I will need wisdom and determination this year, but I am looking for God to reinforce my weakening being. I believe He will and I hope that I am paying attention when it comes.

"Dear Prudence,

See the sunny sky.

The wind is low, the birds will sing, that you are a part of everything.

Dear Prudence,

Won't you open up your eyes?"

- "Dear Prudence" from The Beatles' White Album

Ecclesiastes is the "Nevermind" of the Bible

I love Nirvana. The band, not the state of spiritual enlightenment. Wait, is that enlightenment? I mean, it's about nothing. Nirvana is the Seinfeld of spiritual states. I do like Seinfeld, so maybe it's not so bad. Although I have a feeling nirvana has less observation quips and crazy, one-word summary characters.

Wow, I really got off-track right off the start with that. Back to Nirvana, the band, not the spiritual state. Even as I write this, I am listening to "Scentless Apprentice" as it talks about isolation and alienation from those around me. For some reason, I can't help but enjoy their music despite the fact that it is pessimistic and the dwells on the scum that lies on the underbelly of humanity. The elusive and despair-filled lyrics and rather simplistic music might be distasteful to those who appreciate a certain level of technical skill with their music, but I find that their music is so imbued with emotion and a stark look at the pathetic nature of humanity that it is somehow irresistible. Although I cannot say that I am negative or even can really comprehend his world view, I find his perspective and music intriguing. It gets me in the gut. I connect to it in this strange way. That if I did not fight the demons of a selfish humanity and the seemingly overwhelming power of dark humanity that I struggle against, that I would view the world in the same way. Especially in these last couple of weeks of some of the worst tragedies of recent Manitoba history.

I almost look at Kurt Cobain as some sort of bizarro twin. I should qualify that not with some sort of assumption that I really know who he was and what he thought, but rather my perception of him that I gathered from his music and from what I heard of him. I guess I should say that I look at the legend or image that I have of Kurt Cobain is my bizarro twin. I am trying to respect his memory here. Some how I see a part of myself, the deep down visceral part of me that identifies myself with him.

For some reason, I am drawn to that pessimistic side of myself and while simultaneously trying to react against it. I have a hope in a God that imbues hope and purpose into my life. I specifically try to react against that side of myself that looks at the world as a disconnected, isolated place with little to offer the human soul. Rather I try to give the world what I think God has called us to and that is to share the grace and hope. Without God, the world is a world where Nirvana makes perfect sense.

I think that's also why I love Ecclesiastes so much. It may very well be my favorite book in the Bible. It is almost the "Nevermind" of the Bible. By the way, Psalm 88 would have to be the "In Utero" of the Bible. Ecclesiastes shows the pointlessness of a trying to pleasure oneself, the pointlessness of gathering wealth, the pointlessness of knowledge. And life is pointless without God, because otherwise everything we do is just us occupying ourselves until a day where we waste away into dust.

I find Ecclesiastes strangely reassuring. That as a Christian, I can recognize the despair of a life without God not as some sort of alien mindset, but rather the thing that I am trying to overcome in myself.

In the end, I connect to Nirvana and their music because it is a connect to a bizarro version of myself, the self I would be without God and it makes me thankful for the hope I have.

"12 Monkeys"

So I was at this party the other night where I was surrounded by the ladies, a good position to be in no doubt. And of course, I was sporting my sexy Jack Bauer haircut with a decent sweater and I was being my semi-friendly self. I think I was handling myself pretty, trying to maintain my carefully crafted illusion that I am guy that enjoys life and is witty and smart. And then this other girl comes in whom I met once or twice before and then everything gets thrown down the crapper. She recalls how I used to come into the bookstore she used to work in and I would come in and go to the same section, check something and then leave. Although my simple answer was that I was on my break at EB Games and that I had to make sure I got lunch at the food court, but I still wanted to check to see if they had a certain book in, she summarized the expedition as "creepy".

"Creepy", the one of three descriptors (the others being "stupid" and "gag reflex inducing" that I work so hard to avoid being ascribed to myself is used. And she would then use it a couple of other times in the night in relation to me. However, in my typical fashion of trying to defuse the situation would say something funny-like and it would actually "not help the situation".

I'm starting to find that more and more, I am edging towards (or perhaps finally realize that I am) becoming closer to those descriptors. Maybe I just creep people out after a while. Or even initially. And that I am just kidding myself that I have insightful things about life, but rather I am just spouting out sixth grade logic and have become what I have come to hate.

Tomorrow is the start of the new year. It's supposed to be a chance to turn things around. Promise yourself that you're going to change. And every year, I always think that maybe things could change and that when I find myself at what seems to be a lonely spot, that this new year will be different. But it's never different. Every New Year's it is the same. I have the same perspective. I have the same problems. I have the same loneliness. And it always comes down to me being insufficient.

It is in this state that I find myself wanting God to change me. Change the situation. Change anything. But I know that God wants to make things better. The change, however, has to start with me. Several New Years have shown me though that either I am unable to (or maybe God is unable, but that doesn't fly with me) make that happen. It's kind of a harsh cycle. Maybe this year it will be different.

You know, this whole thing is starting to feel a lot like "12 Monkeys"...

A Box of Wine and a Half Used Up Box of Bandaids

I sometimes wonder if I'm at the end of my creativity. Like this is the end of my new jokes, sketches and the like. Because I will sit in front of the computer and there is nothing that wants to come out. I'm left with loathing and doubt in my abilities. Sure, I can make people laugh in real life, but getting that stuff on paper is tough. It seems like it's supposed to be natural for comedians to come up with this stuff. I know it takes these guys a while, too. But I mean since Mr. Chapel, I seem to have hit the bottom of the creativity barrel (cocaine supply) and I don't know how I can fix it. Whenever I watch something I have to try very hard for it to not enter my creative realm, because I will want to copy it. It's terrible.

If only there was a way to be more creative. Like a brain enlarger machine. No that's lame. Come on! You lousy Daveface.

You'll see my creativity reflected in this blog. If I don't write anything for a while. Then it means I'm out of ideas and then when I have something that is mildly funny, I will waste it and the lousy internet. It's like a vaccuum to consume the left side of my brain. That's the creative side, right? My right side of the brain has not been developped enough to know if that's right. Or left.

Perhaps the answer to my quandry lies right in front of me. Something that has eluded me for sometime, yet is the clear solution to this problem. A box of wine and a half used up box of bandaids. Maybe I could make a children's show about Winey and Bandaidity the Bandaid Box. Ah, what the crap?!

Then You Have to Explain to the Police Why You Gave Him the Poker in First Place

This is yet another entry in a row and so I'm actually using tomorrow's date, because you can only live each day once or some crap like that.

For those of you who don't know or care, there has been a bit of a compilation of dramas in my life. Some involve me and others do, too. Here's a brief rundown.

1. I put my foot in my mouth with this one person I know and I was a damned idiot in what I said. It was my fault and I had to bite the bullet and legitimately say sorry. It was some of the dumbest things I think I've ever said to an individual and so now I have to go through that awkward feeling of "did I make it up to them enough?" Apparently, you need to say something like 8 nice things to make up for one bad one. That's like 32 things I need to say nice. You see you can't use retroactive positive comments either. Oh well, that's 32 nice things for her and like 6 shots of Jack Daniels for me.

2. As of late, people making fun of me has started to take it's toll and find it difficult to face constant ridicule (although still unfair of me to put it on others). And there was a recent time where every single piece of conversation that came my way was a form of ridicule and that was like an awesome cherry of punch in the face that I've had to deal with in addition to the normal day-to-ridicule. It's the kind of thing that's worth at least 8 shots of Jack.

3. Another individual in my life did not make a certain engagement this past week and although it did not affect me that much personally, others in same said group have and now there's going to be that damned awkward thing in the air, where people pretend nothings wrong, but everyone knows there is something wrong. It will be "great". I can't tell if that last statement came across as sarcastic. Because it was supposed to be. Very sarcastic. Although ultimately I think it's only one shot. I mean Jack Daniels is so expensive.

4. I went on a date recently, which technically went well, it didn't end as I hoped. Meaning that that's the end of that. That was a lot of "that"s for one sentence. My english teacher would kill me for that. Oh, and my over-use of exaggeration. Anyway, through said experience, I've had an epiphany and now have a renewed vigor for life and self-confidence (but I still don't like the whole ripping Dave's being apart from 1). But I think I may have foolishly told the individual that majorly influenced this epiphany and that may have been a mistake. And I'm left with have to figure out what the hell is going on. That's easily worth the price for the 10 shots.

5. I'm planning on having a launch party for the Mr. Chapel DVD release and many of these people may be there all together under one roof, ready for a sitcom-like meltdown. And even if they don't come, all the conversations that involve inviting them will just suck. 1 shot for every invitation. That's like 30 shots.

I didn't sign up for all this, but this is what you get for getting involved socially and having little diplomacy skill to deal with it. It's like giving and enthusiatic kid a hot poker and releasing him into a mall full of people. And then you have to explain to the police why you gave him the poker in first place and you have to tiptoe around the fact that you were there to steal from the jewellery store and why the hell did I use my little cousin for that. That kid can't do anything right. I mean I needed you to be a distraction. How hard is that?

Oh and now I have to buy a lot of Jack Daniels. That's like one of those big bottles and I can't throw money around like that. That's worth two shots.

February 14, 1983: Grab Life By the Face, Kick It in the Crotch, Suplex It Through a Table

Note from David: This is actually the first thing I ever wrote and it was moments after I was born. Forgive the grammar and spelling. I was a baby for goodness' sake.

Dear Life,I'm David Rae and you have no idea what the hell is coming is at you. I'm going to grab life by the face, kick it in the crotch, suplex it through a table and unman it through my display of superiority and leave it weeping and wailing. I will legimately destroy you, life.

Don't doubt me for a moment because I will get you when you least expect it. I may be in diapers (whether it be tomorrow or when I'm an old man) but my power will allow me to go through life like an iron baseball bat breaking stuff until it eventually gets rusted and stops working.

I will be a strong man. Able to crush anything that you throw at me. Crush it with rippling biceps and hard feet, so I can...step on you. Like grapes. Like grapes at the juice factory, ready to be crushed into juice.

I will be fast. Like a cougar. Or a leopard. Whatever the fast is, I will be it in the sense of my speed of character. My character will change so fast and so often, you won't even know how to deal with me.

I will be tough. As nails. Made out of adamantium. And uranium. Tears will never meet this face. And I will laugh at those who do. I will never let anybody tickle me, because I would giggle and then I would have to fight them. But because I will be a colossus and I will win fights by default.

I will be smart like a dolphin or a chihuahua. Or however you'd spell that. My mind will be so powerful that I will solve any problem. And if I couldn't I'd simply use my mind powers to blow it up.

I will be wise like a serpent. A crafty, jerktard of a creature, ready to pounce with my wisdom and injecting it into the veins of others and they will faint from the poison of my deity-like wisdom which apparently comes as poison.

I will be charismatic like an eagle. I will be a ladies' man. I will have line-ups of ladies ready to make out and a line of dudes ready to give me hi-fives. I will know what to say at the right times and if I say it right, they'll give me five bucks.

What do you got, life? Nothing in comparison to all that. That is an awesome mix of animals in one super animal. And I am that super animal. Oh and I will have all the humility in the world, you son of a donkey-butt.

But now I'm going to have a nap. And maybe some applesauce. And then watch out because I will never need sleep again.

Your dominatrix,
David "King of Pain" Rae

Things quickly changed after this.

I Deserve to Have Food Summoning Powers

What a wonderful technologically advanced era I live in. It's great. I get to listen to free internet music that I get to choose. I get to play video games. Watch movies. Talk to people far away on my cell phone. I can do a lot of stuff. All at my finger tips. It's great. God has truly blessed me. I mean what more could I want. Or need. I guess if it were possible to create food out of thin air, that would be awesome. But I mean aside from that, there is no where to go. I'd have all the stuff I have now and a food summoning machine. That's it. Life would be set. And maybe like a hover car. That's only if they get around to it. I don't think it would happen, but it does, that'd be just peachy to have. And it's not like I deserve one anyway. I mean who do I think I am? Why should I demand more, right? Just because I'm North American and am a good-hearted individual who gives of his time and energy to promote good as best I can, why should I expect more? Wait. Why shouldn't I? This is incredible. This is like a break through. I've never thought of this before. Of course I deserve more. Look at me. I'm hot. I'm large and in charge. I have a drama degree for goodness' sake. I shouldn't be on the same plane as the rest of you common peasant folk. I deserve to have food summoning powers and a hover car, no hovering abilities and telepathy. Man, I've just been too humble for way too long. What about me for once? That's it I'm out of here to burst in and demand my rights even if I don't know what my rights are. Who's with me?!