Your Will Be Done

A few weeks ago, I posted something about prayer and how I feel like I shouldn't ask for things because it is assuming I know what I need. Perhaps I just need to go through tough times so I can become a stronger person. Anyways, Gavin in the comment section asked about my thoughts on the Lord's prayer and I thought it would be an interesting idea. I would like to think that my ideas on prayer line up with this because if it doesn't, I should be excommunicated. I will say this before I start. Many smarter people have written more in tune ideas about what you're about to read. I'm a fake intellectual.

"Our Father in heaven, hallowed by your name..."

This statement puts everything where it should be. It is a wonderful statement of you are God and I am not in the same league as you. It is important to revere God and sometimes I think that especially with some modern Christians, it is popular to bring God down to our level. That He's our buddy, which I have always felt uncomfortable with. I wrote about this idea a while ago, but it still holds true. God is not one of our human peers. He is the creator of the world. I don't want to hang out with Him at the pub and shoot pool.

"...your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven..."

This is where I see that we have to submit our ideas to what God would have us do. Now, I take this fairly broadly. I once again do not believe that we have to funnel every decision through God and wait for a magic sign for us to proceed on something. That said, we know what God's will is. It is to love God and love others. I'll take a side note and say what I believe it means to love God. The biggest one is respect. When we are talking about loving someone who is in authority, we usually don't mean a romantic love or even a friendship kind of love. Usually, it is a love that shows respect. Like you would to your parents. You show love to your parents by obeying them and valuing their input. You want to love God? It's not by merely saying that you love God, it is also about trying to lead a discipline life.

This prayer reminds us that we want to submit to God and that we want to follow his will. It is also admitting that God's idea of what should happen is not dependent on what I think needs to happen. For the individual, showing respect to God and showing kindness, generosity and compassion for our fellow humankind is our way of backing up our words.

"...give us today our daily bread..."

This implies to me that God is not some magic machine, but rather keeps it simple. I think it also opens us up to being able to make plans. We can make decisions on our own and we can set up our goals as long as we follow God's will of loving Him and loving others. It also puts it on us to actually execute our plans. The prayer does not say that "give us today our daily bread and $40,000 and a passport" but rather just keeps it to what we need. Bread is something we need. God also knows what we need. God knows that if we need $40,000 and a passport and we are working towards it and it is something that needs to happen, it will happen. However, I think we sometimes whole-heartedly believe that we need something specific and maybe it just simply isn't meant to be. Am I saying that it's wrong to ask for something specific? No. I am saying that we need to approach it with humility. That we approach God saying that "This direction seems to be where I need to go and/or where You are calling me next and yet I am not sure how to overcome this obstacle. Help me to find the best way to bring this about whether it is by my hand or with Your help or by Your grace." To me, it seems bizarre that I would declare to God what He should give me.

However, this prayer also admits that we can't always do it on our own, but if God is there to give us the basics, then that is still giving us the ability to do His will.

"...forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors..."

This is, in my mind, an admission of who we are. We are broken and we screw up. It is also a vital reminder about how we need to see our common humanity and how we need to show grace. If this phrase was one that the world could learn to live by, it would be a wonderful thing. It is so difficult to have mercy on those around us when they do something wrong, but somehow we always have a justification for what we do wrong. It is a call to take responsibility, a quality that is elusive to many people. If we do not own up to our own wrongs, then we can never attain the true ability to forgive others and fix broken relationships.

"...and lead us not into temptation..."

This, to me, is one of the most interesting phrases in the prayer. I do not believe that God would lead us to temptation in the first place, so it's a bit curious. In the end, it comes back to the line before it and the line after it and that context is needed. It is another admission of who we are. We are so susceptible to putting ourselves first, that we need God. We need to have it infused into our character to be people of compassion and love, which are not focused on the self but rather outwards. It is a reminder for us that we should not turn in on ourselves but rather keep God's will in mind.

"...but deliver us from the evil one."

Some transcripts say "evil" and not the "evil one". Call me a heretic if you will, but I have been reluctant to admit that there is a devil. In fact, I would even say I don't. Because even if he did exist, it really should not affect how we live our lives. I think that some times when people believe that a devil is trying to get them to do evil things, that it sort of gives people a scape goat for their bad behavior. They tend not to fully own up to their decisions. The fact is, whether it is the devil, another person or our own selfish desire, we still make the decision. It is not anyone else's fault that we make our decisions the way we do. That's why I don't mind not believing in the devil. Just like I don't mind not caring about how Jesus is going to come back because it shouldn't affect how I should live now or even in the future. In some regards we are our own devil. The fight of good and evil is mostly inside the individual. I tend to think that you really can't change people, you can only really change yourself. What is a good decision and what is an evil decision comes down to whether we are others-focused or self-focused. Our temptations are all around us to put ourselves first and maybe some devil is trying to push us in a direction he wants us to go, but he never makes our decisions for us.

I guess, in reflection of the Lord's prayer as a whole, it really has given the outline to my theology. It's interesting because I think that is almost the point of the prayer. This is an outline of what is important in this shared relationship with the heavenly Father. God has given us incredible freedom but we also have the responsibility to a live a life that is in the moment and full of love and grace which is the most difficult life. However, through the grace of God we can live up to it and make it so His will will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

"Too many men

There's too many people

Making too many problems

And not much love to go around

Can't you see

This is a land of confusion.

Now this is the world we live in

And these are the hands we're given

Use them and let's start trying

To make it a place worth fighting for."

- "Land of Confusion" by Genesis from their album "Invisible Touch"

Consequences

I have come to discover that I learn best in the presence of others when I am having to explain myself. I had a conversation earlier this week that has given me something to chew on that I haven't thought about since a theology class that I took over six years ago. It's stuck out for me through out my week in other places.

It was the idea of consequences and how it is vital for our humanity to have consequences. Now pardon me for the next example because it is a little long-winded. People complain that we have late fees at Roger's (although they are nominal and drastically less than they used to be several years ago). Some claim that we are nickel and dime-ing them or if they do have fees they want them reduced. They think that we have them in place simply because we have the opportunity to steal away an extra buck or two. It's a very short-sighted thought. I mean, yes, we are losing money that we could be getting if the movie you had out was returned (and how dare we want to make some money), but it has to do the necessity of enforcing a consequence. If there was no penalty at all for not returning a movie, why you return it? You wouldn't. In addition if we want to have enough copies so that everyone who comes into the store to rent a given title can, then we want copies to come back. The late fee gets people to bring it back otherwise people would be perpetually complaining how we don't have enough copies. We surely wouldn't pay for enough copies for everyone who wanted to rent it because that means each copy would be rented just once. Then we've lost money on each copy. And after a while we are out of business and suddenly no one can rent any movie. So we have to get enough copies that finds the balance of allowing as many people to rent it as possible while depending on each copy renting enough so that it pays for itself and the business can continue. So a late fee (or at least the presence of a consequence) means more copies come back more often so that more people can see the same movie. I know for a lot of people this is all common sense and unnecessary for me to explain, but I'm making a point. We need that consequence of a penalty to make things function but a lot of people forget that. The funny thing about that is that the same people who complain about late fees are the same who complain that there are not enough copies to rent because other people didn't bring back on time.

I was thinking about this idea of consequences after watching the movie "Gamer" (which I would not recommend to people who dislike violence and an over abundance of nudity). In this world, they have a couple of games where players at home could take control of another person and have full control of their actions making them do whatever the player desired. One of which is a literal fight to the death where the people being controlled are death row inmates and the players are people who want to play a game. The other is a "Sims"-esque game called "Society" where the player interacts with other players via the people they control. What made this concept to me interesting is that it highlighted the need for consequence. The players, since there was absolutely no ramifications for them personally, would make their avatar do whatever they wanted and makes it a place full of soulless hedonistic activities. The avatar, who is a real person, had to take the brunt of the consequence to their player's decision.

Obviously it's not like that in our games presently because we are controlling animated non-entities as opposed to real people, but it allows people to have reckless abandon in a pseudo-world and not suffer consequences. Games that have this sandbox approach always have to put into the game as many things as possible for the player to do such as deciding to help protect a town or turnaround and blow it up. However, the only consequence to the action is minor, because the game's story cannot proceed if the character is in jail forever because he just murdered a bunch of innocent people. It lacks the need for wise choices in the game, because you will respawn or can reload on a whim.

Now, I am not saying that video games are bad, but it's one of those things that pull people away from living in a world of consequence (although I suppose the consequence would be not impressing the girls). There are many things that pull us away from putting ourselves on the line. There is also the anonymity of the internet, where vile, hurtful comments can be tossed around in the shroud of terrible made up names like "cougarhunter_34" or "f@bugrrl02" and then disappear into the night, putting the consequence of your action purely on the target of the comment. You have dating sites where you can browse profiles and pictures anonymously and say what you want about yourself without actually putting yourself on the line.

A life filled with no real tangible consequence may allow us to avoid punishment or pain, but it also lacks true joy and love. If I had a sandwich and I was also got a deal and got a second for free and then gave it to someone, it would be considered a nice gesture, but there is no real consequence. Contrast that with you giving up the only sandwich you had. One has sacrifice involved. True compassion is reflected in the gift from sacrifice, not in the gift from convenience.

People tend to shy away from facing consequences to their actions, but it is what allows us to function in community, it gives meaning to our free will, it allows us to enjoy life fully and love more deeply. Unfortunately, it also means that comes paired with being responsible for our actions and being vulnerable to pain.

As hard as it is love people after you've been hurt deeply, it is much better to love recklessly and generously than it is not try to love at all.

"The man in the silk suit hurries by

As he catches the poor old lady's eyes

Just for fun he says 'Get a job'

That's just the way it is

Some things will never change

That's just the way it is

But don't you believe them"

- "The Way It Is" by Bruce Hornsby

Charting a Course that Leads to Home

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. For the last month or so, I have been trying to figure out a plan for next year. Amidst a few major changes in what I was planning, I now need to have a strong back up. The funny thing is that every time I talked to someone about what I'm up to, I've given a different answer. I'm processing a bunch of different scenarios. I was thinking about my tour which is starting to feel like less and less of a possibility for me. At least in the way I want.

I was thinking about going to Australia or some such place for a while to go and do something different. I don't know what I expected to find there. And I'm unsure of the financial viability of that.

Now I'm thinking about going back to school in the fall. I was really hoping to avoid heading back to school, mainly for the reason that if I did go back I would most likely have to start from the beginning of a degree. I don't if I can just take on that much more school. And for the longest time, I didn't really know what I would even want to pursue there.

I do realize that it seems like I sound like I'm flaky and can't make a decision for myself. I think that that statement is accurate. I don't know. I haven't ever really known. I had my dreams which weren't really something I wanted to gamble on but I had no back up. I couldn't see where I lived in reality. On top of it, I haven't really had anything to fight for and to spur me on. My motivations had to be internal ones and all my inner self has wanted to do was play video games and hang out.

I'm now in a place where I find that living the way I have been is empty. Games don't keep me occupied. Friends are busy and are unavailable. I got to get with the program. I needed to find my internal motivation.

Damon Lindeloff, one of the executive producers and head writers of Lost, talked about bringing on new writers into the production of the show and he said that each person brings about ten thousand hours of experience to the table. Some people have focused on a few areas and others have a breadth of knowledge. But no matter who it is, they have a pool of experience that they have. I thought it was interesting to look at it in that way, because even if you haven't had a lot of schooling or time spent in training, you still have an enormous amount of time that you've spent experiencing and learning.

It was kind of encouraging and gave me a starting point to consider my future and where I can use my experience. And I've come to realize that the majority of my experience involves kids. Spending time with them, counseling them, entertaining them, preaching to them, and teaching them. I never thought that I was ever the greatest with them, but they seem to like me and I love making them laugh. I always used the youth events as a platform to practice my performance and writing. In the end, maybe all of that was merely a vehicle to get me into a place of understanding kids.

I really don't want to be a youth pastor or anything like that, but maybe I could be a teacher. I remember helping my friends in math classes and helping them understand the new concepts that we were learning. Apparently, to become a teacher you need a degree and a certain amount of teachables and it turns out that drama can qualify as a major or a minor. If all my stuff can transfer from Providence, then I could possibly be within reach of getting my qualifications for the education program within a year. Then I can do another two years of education and be on my way to doing something as a career that I've been doing for years.

I never thought that I was really cut out to be in the realm of show business. Mostly due to a lack of confidence and a lack of drive. I always felt that I was tolerable and average, but I loved doing it and so I'd do it for fun. But I don't think I can do what it really takes to embrace that life.

A teacher might be something that I'm suited for. I'm good with kids and I love to help others understand concepts. Isn't that what a teacher should be?

When I compare this idea to the one of doing a tour, I feel more at peace or somber or something. I can see myself walking in and putting down my backpack and writing something on the whiteboard and feeling at home. When I think of a tour, I think about both the great times but also the frustration that comes from people. People who disappoint. I can feel the weight of something that is bigger than I can handle by myself, but I don't know of someone who can help. With teaching, it seems manageable. It also has this essence of me bowing out. Realizing that although the world of show business and theatre might be fun, it is not me.

One of the themes of Tolkien was one of knowing your place in the world. We sometimes wish for something that is really not meant for us and so are dissatisfied with the place where we fit. Being in a place of where you do not fit will only hurt in the end. I would like to think that I as approach a new year, I have finally charted a course that leads to home.

"Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

- "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac from their self-titled album