Facing Down a New Year

So here I am on New Year's Day. Shortly after midnight, I can hear people downstairs chatting about I don't give a crap. I can hear a couple very much in love softly talking in the next room. I needed to get away to a place away from the others for a few minutes and reflect.

Rebecca didn't show as just as I assumed she wouldn't. I mean, I admit that I hoped she would've but I have no idea what I would say if she did. But that is done. I don't have to give hope in that field of my life any more attention.

I don't know exactly what to expect in the new year. I feel cautiously optimistic. I know I am, in essence, starting from scratch. I have to cover some ground this year and really start pushing myself.

At this point, I feel school is on the horizon for me (although it feels like I'm changing my mind weekly). I figure that if I can get an education degree and start teaching then I can finally settle into an actual career. A career that I could be very good at.

My money situation is not in a very good place either. I really need a roommate. I need to double my efforts and help take the edge off of the strain. Despite this, I do not feel panicked about it, but I know that it is going to make my whole school situation even more difficult.

I need to embrace hope a little more and deny cynicism and pessimism. I keep being reminded of how I am turning 27 soon, which is the age a lot of major rock stars die. I don't know why that little piece trivia keeps surfacing like that (although do not worry, I am swimming in a lot of random trivial information). I need to reach out to my fellow man. I remember how I've told other people that you can't get wrapped up in yourself in the face of pain or you're going to wind up imploding.

For the first time in my life, I am looking at a new year in front of me that seems to have a lot of stacked challenges as I also bring with me a few too many wounds and disappointments from the previous year.

I can not be mad at God for my situation. I have been slowly for my situation. I have been slowly settling into this place and it would be silly of me to blame anyone but myself. Some times I merely hit some bad and unfortunate breaks but I have made my home in the shadow of my heart and my broken will has made me less of a good person than I once thought I was and would be.

My prayer for this year is that God gives me the insight and ability to rectify who I am and get back to my imagined persona of honour. I also pray for either the grace of God or my own innate insight to bring something good. I don't what that good thing should be. I used to think I knew, but I think I need help on this one.

All this said, I still stand by what I said. I am cautiously optimistic. I will need wisdom and determination this year, but I am looking for God to reinforce my weakening being. I believe He will and I hope that I am paying attention when it comes.

"Dear Prudence,

See the sunny sky.

The wind is low, the birds will sing, that you are a part of everything.

Dear Prudence,

Won't you open up your eyes?"

- "Dear Prudence" from The Beatles' White Album

Rae Family Christmas

I had a good time at the Andersons' for their Christmas dinner. It's amazing how many people that they invite to the meal as they extend the table by adding two addition tables that reaches into their living room. They have family and friends of all sorts, good food and good conversation.

What I appreciate about their family is that they are great example of how a family looks. They evidently love each other, share that with others and there isn't a falseness about it. They are inclusive to the guests at the table and there is a distinct sense of community. I have been blessed to get to come back here for the last several years. It's almost like I'm some sort of distant cousin.

Over the last couple of years though, I have been getting an itch. I am slightly uncomfortable as I approach their door. Not because of anything that they do. It is purely me. But I start thinking about how I am still requiring them to be my venue for a Christmas. If they didn't have them it would not be much of a Christmas at all. I have been trying to ween myself off of their dinners. The first couple of times I went, I was fine with that because I couldn't get home and I figured that it'd be a good thing. Now, I still need that dinner to have a Christmas and that doesn't sit right. For myself, a couple of times is fine, but now I feel like it's a sign of me not getting my life in order.

I really wanted to go home for Christmas. I wanted to go with Darwin back to Minnedosa and spend it with mom and have a semblance of a real Rae family Christmas which we have not had since 2003. Last year, the three of us were together but we still couldn't summon our own Christmas so we went to the Andersons'. This year was supposed to be different, but it turned out the same because I don't have a lot of money.

What it all comes down to is that I really want a family but I don't know how to create family. I see how the Andersons are at Christmas and I want that for my family. I realize that a lot of people are not the Andersons and I also realize that the Andersons assumably are not perfect (although evidence of that is not apparent), but that's what I want to work toward. I have no idea what that looks like. I saw it again last night as I was hanging out with my friends, Brad and Trish. They had their Christmas tree up and lights and little Christmas decorations that they put up together and gifts under the tree. When I saw how many gifts they had under there I was kind of taken aback. It means that either they bought a lot of gifts for each other (which I can totally see since they are definitely still in that lovey-dovey honeymoon phase) or that a lot of their family had sent them gifts. I'm not a big materialist and I don't want a bunch of stuff at Christmas or anything, but they definitely had a connection to their family and possibly to their extended family that I do not. The Andersons have so many in their family they have to do an arrangement of one person gets one other a person a gift instead of requiring everyone to buy a gift for everyone in their battalion. They have too many people for Christmas. I have to buy two and I'm done. And I have a ridiculous extended family.

Both my mom and my dad come from the generation of ridiculous family sizes. My dad had something like nine brothers and sisters and mom had eleven or vice versa. But we don't see any of them. I don't really know any of them. I think the state of my family is evident in the fact that I don't even know the number of them. I have tried to go and see some of them, I try to talk to them at funerals (which is the only way I have seen my family). I know I am not blameless in this because I have family in the city that I don't see but I haven't carved out time for them.

Admittedly, an extended family the size of mine is perhaps a little much for a person to try to keep current with, but I don't even have this family thing figured out enough to have a proper Christmas with them. That doesn't seem right to me.

That's why when I go to the Andersons for the nth time or see Brad and Trish's tree I regret the state I am in. I thought this Christmas was going to be different. That I was going to make it different, but I didn't have the discipline to do it. When I was with Rebecca, I was actually looking forward to Christmas, because I thought I could make it different. Move towards a family. However, I have to come back and leach another Christmas for my brother and I from a family that knows family.

Don't get me wrong. I love the Andersons and their welcome for my family to the table. I don't want this post to come off as an attack on them. If anything, I want them to know that they are the model of family I want to emulate for my own. It just sort of hurts to go there. Just a little.

This all said, I am thankful to God for growing up in a family, broken and lacking as we are, that is not an abusive one. One where we know each other's faults and want what's good for each other, it's just that we can't seem to pull it together. I am thankful for a brother that is my reminder of a life of simplicity. A life that is content with who he is. I am thankful for a mother who has done her best to bring me closer to a savior that she strives to follow. I am grateful to have found a church family that in times of need are willing to bring me into their family. I am grateful to have some fantastic people who are there to encourage me and challenge me when I need it most. I am thankful for the example of Jesus that gives me a structure to develop myself as a better person.

I am thankful for Christmas, not only as an important religious holiday to remind us that Jesus has come to show us the way and also to remind us that he will come again, but I am also thankful for it as a cultural day to reaffirm the importance of family. Families can be the shelter that helps us through the rough spots and give us the encouragement to become better people and better followers of Christ.

"Is there a cure among us?

From this processed sanity?

I weaken with each voice that sings

In this world of purchase

I'm gonna buy back memories

To awaken some old qualities"

- "Run" from Collective Soul's Dosage

Charting a Course that Leads to Home

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. For the last month or so, I have been trying to figure out a plan for next year. Amidst a few major changes in what I was planning, I now need to have a strong back up. The funny thing is that every time I talked to someone about what I'm up to, I've given a different answer. I'm processing a bunch of different scenarios. I was thinking about my tour which is starting to feel like less and less of a possibility for me. At least in the way I want.

I was thinking about going to Australia or some such place for a while to go and do something different. I don't know what I expected to find there. And I'm unsure of the financial viability of that.

Now I'm thinking about going back to school in the fall. I was really hoping to avoid heading back to school, mainly for the reason that if I did go back I would most likely have to start from the beginning of a degree. I don't if I can just take on that much more school. And for the longest time, I didn't really know what I would even want to pursue there.

I do realize that it seems like I sound like I'm flaky and can't make a decision for myself. I think that that statement is accurate. I don't know. I haven't ever really known. I had my dreams which weren't really something I wanted to gamble on but I had no back up. I couldn't see where I lived in reality. On top of it, I haven't really had anything to fight for and to spur me on. My motivations had to be internal ones and all my inner self has wanted to do was play video games and hang out.

I'm now in a place where I find that living the way I have been is empty. Games don't keep me occupied. Friends are busy and are unavailable. I got to get with the program. I needed to find my internal motivation.

Damon Lindeloff, one of the executive producers and head writers of Lost, talked about bringing on new writers into the production of the show and he said that each person brings about ten thousand hours of experience to the table. Some people have focused on a few areas and others have a breadth of knowledge. But no matter who it is, they have a pool of experience that they have. I thought it was interesting to look at it in that way, because even if you haven't had a lot of schooling or time spent in training, you still have an enormous amount of time that you've spent experiencing and learning.

It was kind of encouraging and gave me a starting point to consider my future and where I can use my experience. And I've come to realize that the majority of my experience involves kids. Spending time with them, counseling them, entertaining them, preaching to them, and teaching them. I never thought that I was ever the greatest with them, but they seem to like me and I love making them laugh. I always used the youth events as a platform to practice my performance and writing. In the end, maybe all of that was merely a vehicle to get me into a place of understanding kids.

I really don't want to be a youth pastor or anything like that, but maybe I could be a teacher. I remember helping my friends in math classes and helping them understand the new concepts that we were learning. Apparently, to become a teacher you need a degree and a certain amount of teachables and it turns out that drama can qualify as a major or a minor. If all my stuff can transfer from Providence, then I could possibly be within reach of getting my qualifications for the education program within a year. Then I can do another two years of education and be on my way to doing something as a career that I've been doing for years.

I never thought that I was really cut out to be in the realm of show business. Mostly due to a lack of confidence and a lack of drive. I always felt that I was tolerable and average, but I loved doing it and so I'd do it for fun. But I don't think I can do what it really takes to embrace that life.

A teacher might be something that I'm suited for. I'm good with kids and I love to help others understand concepts. Isn't that what a teacher should be?

When I compare this idea to the one of doing a tour, I feel more at peace or somber or something. I can see myself walking in and putting down my backpack and writing something on the whiteboard and feeling at home. When I think of a tour, I think about both the great times but also the frustration that comes from people. People who disappoint. I can feel the weight of something that is bigger than I can handle by myself, but I don't know of someone who can help. With teaching, it seems manageable. It also has this essence of me bowing out. Realizing that although the world of show business and theatre might be fun, it is not me.

One of the themes of Tolkien was one of knowing your place in the world. We sometimes wish for something that is really not meant for us and so are dissatisfied with the place where we fit. Being in a place of where you do not fit will only hurt in the end. I would like to think that I as approach a new year, I have finally charted a course that leads to home.

"Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

- "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac from their self-titled album

My Experiment of Wanting Something

I know winter is finally here because people are complaining about the weather. I have officially have had enough talk about weather. I get it, winters in Winnipeg are cold. What do you expect? Why do people feel the need to state the obvious. No one was saying anything when we had a bizarro above average November, but now that we have a typical December, people get that stupid look in their eye just as they are about to unleash their keen wit and observation of the meteorological state of the outdoors and say something like "Man, I can't believe how cold it is out there."

You can't believe it? It was impossible to conceive of winter like every other year?

Anyways, this has lead me to the decision that I am going to avoid talking about how cold/warm I currently feel and making unnecessary comment about the weather. I mean, what's the point?

That said, I understand why people complain and why they even like doing it. Complaining is an easy source of conversation. We believe something should be one way and we'd like it another way. We know how we would change things if we could. Usually the answer is the short cut. Just make it nicer outside. More sun. The answer never is: "I wish I was intelligent enough to realize the climate I live in and thus responded in a responsible way and obtain effective protection against exposure to this environment."

I would like to point out that I see the irony in me complaining about complaining. I guess that's what I'm digging at. I want to complain as opposed to actually fixing the problem and changing my perspective. That's where the trick to the whole thing lies.

One of the big things that hinder me from changing my perspective to one that is more upbeat and positive is one that is buried deep into my idea of who I believe I am. I generally don't believe that good things come my way. Now I'm not saying that God doesn't give good things to people or that He should. And I'm also not saying that I think that God hasn't given me good things. I try my best to remember that I have a lot. Food, shelter, people, church, freedom, etc., etc. However, I guess I have lived in that place for long enough to think that those things are the standard. I know it's not the standard everywhere or for everyone, but it feels like it is the standard in the group of people that I spend the bulk of my time with.

So yes, I have good things, but I don't have what I want. Now, I don't have a whole lot of wants. There are maybe a list of things that if I had, that'd be peachy, but it's not like I am overly concerned with getting them. I would like to think that I am generally moving in the right direction about a life of simplicity. But I wonder if that has come out of the idea that I don't believe that I would even get what I want if I wanted something. When I was little, I wanted a certain toy or super powers and I wanted it so bad that I believed that if I wanted it bad enough, magic would summon it to me. I was always disappointed of course because that is not how it works when you come from a lower income family. I eventually came to realize that you often cannot get what you want. So I began to want less and less. And now, I simply don't think it's in the cards for me to get what I want. I realize that there is an assumption that comes from a leap of logic, but that is how I have felt.

I would see my friends or acquaintances get blessed with amazing gifts whether it be money or trips or second chances. Things that amaze me at the graciousness of God and others. I assume that those kind of gifts are for them and not for a guy like me. And what I mean by a guy like me, I mean that one line in "Don't Stop Believin'" that says "some will win/some will lose/some were born to sing the blues". It's not that I am a worthless person or not good enough or that God refuses to give me good things (because He has) but rather that it is simply the way it is. That I am supposed to be the guy that loses so that someone can win.

Everything in this little paradigm was fine until I realize that I wanted to want something. It's a little miserable to have nothing that you want because there is no point. It's related to the typical need to have a purpose but it wasn't quite that. I can't quite put my finger on it. And then I found something I wanted. I was gifted something that I thought I could never have. I was content. No, energized and focused. I told people "I was fantastic" and meant it when they asked how I was. So what happened in my experiment of wanting something and actually getting it? I screwed it up, naturally.

Now I am left in this unsettled place where I have to go back to being content with what I have while still struggling with want. I have to fight my predisposition of thinking that I am one of those people who will not get what I want and so I need to remind myself that I have been blessed. That I have received more than I need. I have to embrace a positive outlook and finding my goals in what God wants from His people.

Complaining about things is not going to change things in our lives, it only is a temporary measure of comfort. And if I really want something, fight for it and remember that sometimes even the underdogs can win one every once in a while.

"Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win

Under everything, just another human being

I don't want to hurt, there's so much in this world to make me believe"

- "Just Breathe" from Pearl Jam's Backspacer

What is in the Hatch Already?

I picked up the new season of Lost and it's got me excited once more for my favorite TV show. Yes, even more favourite than 24. As I have watched the show go along and seeing how things are coming together, I am excited to see where the story goes and it has me thinking again about what could be.

J.J. Abrams, the creator of Lost and a director with a keen knowledge of film and story, talked about mystery in stories. He said that mystery is what drives characters through a story. It's what brings the audience through a story. He believes that mystery is key in telling an engaging story.

I was reflecting on how that is not only true in why I am drawn into Lost, but perhaps that is what pulls a lot of people through the story of their own lives. I mean, we have the mystery of how will our career turnout? Who will I marry? Are my kids going to be successful? Who is God? Where do I fit?

People have gotten with how Lost is taking it's time in revealing the nature of the island and what is going on and I think people are missing the point. Although the writer's could tell you what everything is, it would suck the life out of the show. If I had told you what was in the hatch that they found at the end of season 1 and what it does, it would severely take away the wonder and awe of discovering it with the characters and then seeing how the characters deal with it. This wonderment is key because this show is not about the answers. It's about the characters. It's about what the characters do in this situation where they don't know the answers but they continue to live and figure the best way through the chaos.

It's the same for us. We could have definite answers about our future and the exact nature of God, but I think there is something to mystery that needs to permeate into our lives. We can't know every detail for the reasons why things work the way they do and ultimately, I think it would be a disservice to us as individuals created in God's image. If we are wrapped in a mystery, the thing we are left with is who are we in the midst of it all. Who am I going to be despite the situation where there are unknowns. Are we going to throw up our hands and hang out at the beach and wait for death to come get us or are we going to live in such a way that explores the mystery. A way of life that tries to do the best they can with the strange scenarios we are plunked into.

Lost is a show about broken people given a chance to change how they approach their lives and enable them to see their essential true selves in the face of a wall of mystery. Their past lives may dictate why they do things they do, but that doesn't mean they can't change. They can change their fate. And through the grace of God, so can we.

I got troubles, ah, but not today

'Cause they're gonna wash away

They're gonna wash away

And I have sins love, but not today

'Cause they're gonna wash away

They're gonna wash away

- Joe Purdy's "Wash Away" from the album Julie Blue

Full Circle

It's been a little while since I have come back to my blog and I think that it's funny that they last post is in a place where I once again find myself. As I reflect on these last ten months, it's weird to think that I have come full circle. I was searching for a major change. But I couldn't find it. My scenario really didn't change. I found myself treading into a darker and darker place. I went to Toronto with my brother in order to get away and reflect about what I should do. I had a great encounter with my friend, Michelle, who gave me some encouragement and advice. I then went to speak at Covenant Bay Bible Camp and caught a glimpse of a change. I wanted to not have to feel like I have to settle.

I came back to Winnipeg and got the idea for perhaps doing a new sketch comedy tour. It gave me a goal.

Then came along Rebecca. I won't get too much into it, but one thing that I was enjoying was how things seem to have finally looked like they were progressing. Like I was getting things together. I had a glimpse of a life of hope and a place of what I should be doing and I was moving there.

It all changed, though. I screwed it up. There's not much there to defend me. I found out who really am behind it all, and it turns out that I'm not as good as I thought. I mean, I never had the idea that I was perfect, but I always imagined that I was a higher caliber of guy who just hadn't found his niche. It turns out that I'm not. I'm just another guy who doesn't know who he is. Which is really, honestly disappointing.

I am back at the place ten months ago. I want change. I want to change. I have nothing here. I want nothing here. Well, almost nothing here. I lost my love for people. I lost my love. I lost love. I don't have a desire to do anything. I am passing time, it feels.

Rob reminded me of a Smashing Pumpkins song and the line "I'm in love with my sadness" and if I become like that, he is going to punch me. He's got a good point. I gotta keep on the positive side. And it's been difficult to do so. Really, what I would like is to want. I want desire. I've been so concerned with making other people happy and seeing things from other's perspectives for so long that the idea of what I want has been bleached away and faded. Who is David Rae? I don't know. A lot of people don't really try to look into who I really am and my reflective side. They think I am the guy on stage. People who know me better tell me I'm a hard guy to pin down. That the line between me and my sarcasm is blurred. Now, I fear I may have actually fooled myself this whole time. That even I do not know who I am. Maybe I have to go find him.

"When everything starts to fall

So fast that it terrifies you

When will you hit the wall?

Are you gonna learn to fly?

No one would believe it

Except for all the people

Watching as you fly away

Baby when I get home

I want to pick up the pieces

Hammer in the final nail

And lean me up against Jesus"

- "Time Bomb" from Dave Matthews Band's Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King

Times Like These

I've been feeling that something needs to change. It's been the same old same old. It seems like the last three years have just been playing on repeat. Recently, I've been trying to find ways to get out of the lull but nothing has been really working. I've been rather disappointed with myself and the circumstance I find myself in. In the next little while, I think I need to do something big and get my story going and find the place where I'm supposed to be. It's a little tiresome being in this place and having relatively little change.

Of course, the other side to this is maybe this is just part of life. That uncomfortability of where you are is just the nature of change that humans look for. Maybe I'm in a blessed because I am not tied down to anything. There is nothing holding me back. I can make a huge change and it won't really affect too much.

The question is. What kind of change do I need?

"I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight
I, I'm a little divided
Do I stay or run away and leave it all behind?
It's times like these that you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again"
-"Times Like These" from Foo Fighters' One By One

Bittersweet Me

Busyness is starting to set in again. My mind goes through this cycle of having brilliant flashes of ideas and events that I should do because it would be awesome. I agree to do speaking and acting engagements at the drop of a hat. That last one's not true. The people have to offer me free food and then I'm in. But I realize that I have once again potentially overloaded myself. Aside from having a full-time job, I am in the process of producing a new "24"-day extravaganza (which I am hyperexcited about), creating a special Saturday night service for my church, writing a new episode of Mr. Chapel, and I have agreed to speak at a camp next summer and if a new May long weekend event happens in the Covenant, there is a good chance I will be asked to help and because of the Covenant usually offers free food, I would most likely agree to it.

Really, it can cause me a lot of stress which is completely my fault because I am the one that agreed to it. It's not like any of it's an obligation per se. I just want to do it. I don't want to disappoint anyone and besides it's a great creative outlet.

But I was thinking about these creative flashes I get. When I have a lull, it's usually after I have just come off a marathon events that were booked back to back to back and I am simply recovering. And then I go through this stage of trying to get back and living life. Keeping up friendships and trying to become pseudo-mature by attempting to pursue my Renaissance Man ideal. And then I just find myself falling into the same trap of looking around and realizing that I don't like being around people. As I get older, I am getting more uncomfortable around people. I either don't know how to hold a normal conversation or I rather not talk to anyone about the same inane topics or I rather just shut myself off from the world. I feel like a stranger in a strange land with no money to leave. But then my creativity then kicks in and seems to be inspired with a whole bunch of events and activities to plan for. Suddenly, I don't have to worry about all that stuff. It gets shoved to the fringe of my life where I only have moments of reflection. It's kind of funny though, because all these things that I plan revolve around other people. Either entertaining them or encouraging them or teaching them. I love performing for them as long as I don't have to worry about figuring out how to draw close to them. It's just easier at arm's length.

Don't get me wrong, I love having friends and spending time with them. It's just even with friends, I have a wall that I don't let down very often. I have isolated myself from them and it kills me some times. I guess the question becomes what is more painful? The grinding isolation of my self-created cage or enduring open vulnerability and the confrontation with my disconnect with others? I'm too damned emo.

"I'd sooner chew my leg off,
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me
I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore"
- "Bittersweet Me" from R.E.M.'s New Adventures in Hi-Fi

You Can't Always Get What You Want

David wanted to build the temple when he was king of the Israel. He was a great military leader of his people and for the most part did many good things because he followed the path God laid out for him. However, the Lord did not permit David to build the temple because he had too much blood on his hands. It was not his role. It was not his place. He was a great man, but that didn't matter. It wasn't for him.

Now, I'm not sure of how David felt about that. Coming to grips with the concept that not everything was up for grabs. He faced the consequences to that when he sent a man to his death in order to take that man's wife as his own.

The fact is that in our lives, there are things that are off limits. Not because it's bad necessarily, but rather its not meant for us. We cannot take everything we want. We cannot pretend that we can. Some things are meant for others.

I was talking to my friend, Aaron, about the nature of mankind and some of the gruesome, terrible things that we as humans are capable of doing simply because there is a lingering dark, selfish side that is there. It's undeniable. Some of the greatest works of the arts and literature comes from a place of recognizing that darkness inside of the human soul. As Aaron said to me, these pieces of art are so shockingly truthful because it taps into something inside of us that we try to pretend is not there. It unnerves us and disturbs us. Although I think it is important to recognize that evil inside, it is also important to strive and fight with all our strength, through the grace of God, against that darkness. Against the evil selfishness that creeps into our psyche. It comes down once again to remembering our place in the world. It is about God and others first. That is the ideal that we push and strive for. We need to have this idea of the good of the community foremost in our goals, because if we are too individualistic, too self-focused, then we will start to think our role and place is more important. We will believe we deserve things when it is not necessarily our place to make that call. We will begin to ascribe that self-service trumps upholding a communal reciprocity. If we dwell on ourselves, we will not only potentially destroy ourselves in some form, whether it be physically, mentally, or spiritually, it can bring harm to others. We need to know our role.

That all being said, it is tough when you come to the realization that we cannot take whatever we want. It kind of hurts knowing that something would be nice and comforting, but also knowing that it is not for you. That something is for someone else. Solomon was supposed to build the temple because he was a man of peace. As much as David may have wanted to and perhaps even deserved on a human level, it was not for him.

It is just tough to accept that we cannot change everything. Sometimes life is the way it is and that is that. And although we cannot change everything in the world, we can always try to change ourselves more into the person that we are meant to be. It's just too bad that that is easier said than done.

"I love myself better than you
I know it's wrong so what should I do?"
- "On a Plain" from Nirvana's Nevermind

If Facebook Does Not Go Back to the Way It Was I Am Going to Burn This Mother Down

People on Facebook are funny. For some reason there have been a lot of people who are for some reason upset with the new Facebook layout. Everyday I see in my feed a couple of people signing up for groups like "I Hate the New Facebook!" or "The New Layout of Facebook is Making Me Mad! Poo!" or "If Facebook Does Not Go Back to the Way It Was I Am Going to Burn This Mother Down!" That last one is probably the most confusing because why would you burn the building you're in down because of something intangible on the Internet. But then I realized it doesn't need to make sense because these people are upset because of layout. Layout. Not the fact that Facebook has a bunch of your personal information and literally uses it to send targeted advertisements to you. I can see some people getting upset over all the Christian dating site ads and Foo Fighter concert tickets and meeting Christian girls at Foo Fighters concert sites. I can find my own dates thank you very much Internet! Bordering on invasion of privacy is something that I think is something that is ok to get upset over. I mean, just don't sign up. But people who are upset over the layout of your personal information is the problem.

"This website is impossible to navigate now that it's been moderately rearranged how the heck am I supposed to encapsulate my life in a cyberspace bubble on a website if I have to click on a tab every once in a while! Aaargggh!" And then they throw the keyboard across the room and spontaneously transform into their werewolf forms. But don't worry, these werewolves won't literally attack anybody, they spread their virus on Facebook. If you are worried about a social networking site not being conducive to the ultimate experience of your poking, pirate/ninja-battling, chump-biting, anti-new Facebook group joining then you should probably just drop the whole thing and just go and hang out with the people that you use Facebook to avoid actually spend time with. At least pick up a phone and call someone about how you hate the new Facebook and then never use Facebook again. I have this funny suspicion that very few people that have joined these groups actually have vocally expressed their reasons for their hatred of the layout, because if they did do that instead of arbitrarily joining groups and crying about it, then they would actually hear what kind of ludicrous idiocy it is to care about that.

If Faith Covenant Church Could Choose a Modern Day Prophet, It Would Be Rob Bell

At church a couple of weeks ago, the topic was service. What was interesting to me was from a Rob Bell video. It may just be me, but it seems like if Faith Covenant Church could choose a modern day prophet, it would be Rob Bell. Which I would be fine with. Anyway, Rob was talking about how Jesus was going from town to town, preaching and healing and in one town, they wanted Jesus to stay. But Jesus keep heading to Jerusalem. Of course, Jesus could have stayed and done many good things, but that was not what Jesus was there for. Jesus had his sight set on Jerusalem. He had chosen his path and had to say no to the things that would take Him away from that path. In the same way, we can't take up everything that comes our way. We can't because there is too much for us.

Rob goes on to talk about about this idea of Kierkegaard, about willing the one thing. Focusing our energy into the thing we're supposed to be doing. If we are going to say yes to everything, we're not going to be able to do the thing where our strength lies. Of course all of these different things can be good things, but we don't have the capability to do all things. We have to choose wisely.

So the question came up, what should I be focusing on? What should be the thing that I focus on? What has God given me the ability to do? And I simply don't know. I mean I do have a plan of how I can take care of myself financially and everything, but that is not anything special. I mean, my skill set is weird. I can sort of write. I am better than some average schmuck with public speaking. I am funny to a degree. I would like to think that I am very adaptive in my thinking. I would like to think that I am objective in my approach. I should point out that whatever my focus is, the one thing I will, I don't see it as my job. Maybe that's my problem. But whatever my job is or will be, it's just the thing I do for money. It seems like there should be some magnum opus that I am supposed to be working on that I'm not while I wasting my time doing other things that are just in the way.

It's odd, although I believe that I am handling work well and that in some ways things are right, it feels like the whole ship is following the wrong current, and I am unsettled. It's like I'm meant to be a wanderer but I'm too busying setting up shop and trying to be responsible. I'm torn between some unknown dream that I can't grasp and a life of duty and hard work because there's no safety net. If I try to 'go find myself' and not find me, I am going to pooch myself doubly. Yet if I let myself get older, I may discover myself too late to be what I am supposed to be.

Unsettled is basically the summary of this post. But we'll all float on ok, we'll all float on alright.

Quit Stating the Same Phrase Over and Over Again As If It Were a Legitimate Form of Debate

The topic in church today was solitude. One of the disciplines that I probably do the best at. When I actually take time to reflect is probably one of best things I can do to refocus. Since we were out at Bird's Hill Park, we were given the chance to actually spend some time alone. I decided to take a walk down the road which is the method I normally take for solitude. The thing I revolved around was the idea of my relationship to God. I have such a weird struggle with that concept. Relationship to God. What does that even mean? It seems like it's supposed to be so important to have a strong relationship to God, which is important I suppose, but as I listen to people talk about relationship to God as if it's the same as friendship with God. That you need to have a friendship with God. That He's your buddy, your pal. You stay up watching movies and rassle around and play pranks on each other.

I don't want that kind of relationship at all with God. Some sort of invisible friend. I mean, if we're supposed to be friends and yet I have to feel bad about missing prayer time and that I'm letting my friend down or being a terrible friend to Jesus or something, but I can't complain that He's never here to go play catch with. Or that I can bum a ride off or go get Slurpees with. Because that's what I do with friends. Some people would probably argue, "Well, isn't God there when you go do those things? Isn't he there?"

"I guess. In some form. But it's kind of got some weird peeping tom feel to it."

"But isn't it more like He's there though."

"Well, no. I'm saying it's not the same as a friend. Most of my friends are not invisible, omnipotent, omniscient beings."

"But the Bible tells us that He can be."

"Ok, yes, I get the idea that He has mercy on us and that He doesn't have to. But He's not actually here. Like a friend would be in the traditional sense."

"But wouldn't you want God as a friend?"

"Not really. I mean, it would the same kind of thing as spending time with the Queen of England and then saying that you're friends with her."

"It's not the same."

"Of course, it's not the exact same, I wasn't trying-"

"Because God is more powerful and He loves you."

"Yeah, I read John 3:16, too. But it's not helping your point. God is a mighty being that created the world, created me, created a way of life that would the best way to live life. He's given us everything."

"So doesn't that make Him your friend?"

"No, that makes Him God. Look a friend's not going to give you life, purpose and meaning. But when I want to go and play some Rock Band, I am not expecting Jesus to show up and do vocals. Why? Because He's God. He's got important things to do. I understand."

"But He's always there."

"Yes, but as God, not as my buddy."

"You're making Him sound like He's just some authority figure who's here to make sure we're not doing something bad."

"No, you're assuming that's what the role of authority figures are. God fits better into the role of authority than into the role of drinking buddy."

"Of course, He's an authority, but can't He also be a friend?"

"No! Not in the same way!"

"But can't He?"

"No!"

"But can't He?"

"Quit stating the same phrase over and over again as if it were a legitimate form of debate. I know in some Christian churches that would fly but not here in the realm of reality.

"...But can't He?"

"...Look, God offers us a life and gives us guidelines and a philosophy. If we are living that out and doing what we're supposed to be doing, then we shouldn't need God to be our friend. We need God and His scriptures as a way to gives us encouragement, a source of strength, a way of life."

"Like a friend would."

"...sort of? Except for that last part. That's why God as my friend does not work."

"Ok, so then what does having a relationship with God mean, smarty pants?"

"First of all, can we get rid of the term 'smarty pants'? It is ridiculous. You're a grown man, pretend person I am supposedly talking to. Secondly, I see the whole relationship of God more of a business relationship than a friendship."

"That's making God distant."

"Ok, yes, it's not a perfect metaphor. But just hear me out."

"I don't do that."

"Alright, listen imaginary Christian, I've listened to your garbage for the last 20 years, let me talk for once."

"Fine."

"To me, the walk of a Christian and the relationship to God is in some ways similar to a corporation like Roger's."

"Are you suggesting that the place where you work is God?"

"You're an idiot. I have barely started. Can you just shut up? Anyway, Roger's is one of those lifestyle corporations. You can, in some parts of the country, get Roger's cable, internet, wireless, home phone and video rentals. It is up to the consumer to embrace as much of the Roger's brand and the goal of the company is to promote the Roger's lifestyle. In some ways, a Christian walk is like one of these lifestyle corporations. While a Roger's lifestyle does not encompass all of life and focuses on communications, connectivity and entertainment, a Christian lifestyle does have a complete picture of a lifestyle and focuses on discipline, goodness, and faithfulness. God does not force us to take up a God lifestyle, but it works together so much better if you do. With Roger's, you can get a consolidated bill, you get discounts. With God, the whole of the teachings work better together and it up to us how much we buy into the Christian lifestyle. Some only like certain parts of the lifestyle, but it works together so much better as a whole. The more you run under one philosophy, one ideal, the better your walk with Christ. But you have to buy into it. The more you have to be devoted to Christ."

"So are you suggesting I have to join Roger's to be a Christian?"

"...You're a fucking idiot."

I'm sorry about that last f-bomb. I get frustrated, even in fictional arguments with made-up people. I have just been thinking about what my relationship with God should look like. It seems like a more and more popular idea that Jesus should be one of my friends or something and that if I don't that I'm not a good Christian. But that doesn't seem to fit. It seems to be that if that our goal is to be God's friend, then it makes things like the fact that Jesus died for my sins look like as if it was like a rich kid buying expensive gifts for others just so that they'll be His friend. And then when we do something bad or don't spend time in the Word or neglect our prayer life that some how we're hurting this wiener of rich kid who was just trying to buy our friendship off of us. God doesn't need to be our friend, but the fact is that He loves us. He wants us to follow a certain code of conduct, not because it will make Him happy, but rather it is the way we should be living. The choices we make to embrace God or reject God is not some friendship, but rather a mentorship that we either buy into or leave. God doesn't force us into it or is trying to make us feel guilty about not embracing Him but giving us the tools so that we know what a good life looks like and what will bring us closer to Him.

That pretty much explains my most recent revelation, but this is already pretty ridonculously long so I'm going to go. Peace? I guess. I don't know how to end this one off.

I Read the News Today, Oh Boy...

This past week I had a kind of a bizarre experience. I was reading the paper and I got agitated to the point I wanted to yell out in the middle of the Burger King. I was reading back to back outrageous stories of tragedy. Both of which took place in Manitoba. What the hell?

First off was the news that the good old Westboro church of crazy was going to descend on the funeral of Tim McLean. Who the hell do these people think they are? Spewing such vile, hateful speech about a person they do not even know and taking his memorial as an opportunity to spread their message of crazy and then slapping God's name all over it as a way to justify their homophobia and disrespect for a person that God created. Anyway, I don't want to dwell any more on them, because this is the exact thing that gives them power...damn it.

Secondly, I was then reading the editorial letters of people writing in about the atrocity that happened on that bus and I was appalled even further. Now, I should establish that I clearly believe Vince Li should be locked away from society so as to not harm other people. What he did was terrible and horrific. It is quite evident that he is a disturbed mind who has given way to a violent irrationality. But what caught me off-guard was not that. What got me was the reaction of people to this crime. People want to brutally eviscerate this guy. And the disturbing and ultimately disheartening part of this whole thing is that people who are supposedly rational and good citizens would love to see this guy have his fingers ripped off or some how brutally punished so that he suffers in the most incredible way possible...as long as it was legal. If one of these civilized barbarians was given the opportunity to do whatever they wanted to Vince Li with no legal repercussions then they would unleash the worst possible torture on the guy that they could imagine and feel no remorse. What the hell is that? Can't they see the sickening irony of how these people are not that different than the mentally instable mind they want to utterly want to cut, mangle, burn and the only fucking thing holding them back is the law? They are the thing that they apparently hate with a light smattering of law glazed over the bloodlust. And they are sane. I may not be a psychologist, but I'm pretty sure that Vince Li is crazy, deranged and all that, but the people who want to do the same to him are sane? That is what I find far more disturbing about humanity. That civility is the mask of the worst, hate-filled minds.

Lastly, the situation with the Winnipeg Police in the shooting death of Craig McDougall. The frustrating part of this whole thing is that if an aboriginal armed with a knife doesn't obey an officers orders to drop the weapon and after an attempt to use a tazer on the suspect, the guy still doesn't back down and then the police shoot him that the police is accused of being racist? Even if he was holding a cell phone like some people claim, it doesn't mean that the guy should not have listened to police officers who were telling him to put it down. And then some people claim that the police shouldn't have used such unnecessary force. A gun versus a knife is unfair. So you want the police to go use knives to take down knife-wielding suspects? Or is that too much for law-enforcement? Maybe they should use wiffle bats? "No, that's too much! Have you ever been hit by one? It gives you a nasty headache for like 10 minutes! Police should use candy to take down suspects." That all being said, there should be an inquiry when someone is shot...like they already do.

I wanted to yell in anguish and frustration and anger so badly. I didn't because I didn't to be kicked out of the Burger King. I mean, I wasn't finished with my Whopper yet. Why does the world have to be like this? I guess I will have to crank up the awesome level and try to spread joy and hope more to a humanity in desperate need of healing.

Ecclesiastes is the "Nevermind" of the Bible

I love Nirvana. The band, not the state of spiritual enlightenment. Wait, is that enlightenment? I mean, it's about nothing. Nirvana is the Seinfeld of spiritual states. I do like Seinfeld, so maybe it's not so bad. Although I have a feeling nirvana has less observation quips and crazy, one-word summary characters.

Wow, I really got off-track right off the start with that. Back to Nirvana, the band, not the spiritual state. Even as I write this, I am listening to "Scentless Apprentice" as it talks about isolation and alienation from those around me. For some reason, I can't help but enjoy their music despite the fact that it is pessimistic and the dwells on the scum that lies on the underbelly of humanity. The elusive and despair-filled lyrics and rather simplistic music might be distasteful to those who appreciate a certain level of technical skill with their music, but I find that their music is so imbued with emotion and a stark look at the pathetic nature of humanity that it is somehow irresistible. Although I cannot say that I am negative or even can really comprehend his world view, I find his perspective and music intriguing. It gets me in the gut. I connect to it in this strange way. That if I did not fight the demons of a selfish humanity and the seemingly overwhelming power of dark humanity that I struggle against, that I would view the world in the same way. Especially in these last couple of weeks of some of the worst tragedies of recent Manitoba history.

I almost look at Kurt Cobain as some sort of bizarro twin. I should qualify that not with some sort of assumption that I really know who he was and what he thought, but rather my perception of him that I gathered from his music and from what I heard of him. I guess I should say that I look at the legend or image that I have of Kurt Cobain is my bizarro twin. I am trying to respect his memory here. Some how I see a part of myself, the deep down visceral part of me that identifies myself with him.

For some reason, I am drawn to that pessimistic side of myself and while simultaneously trying to react against it. I have a hope in a God that imbues hope and purpose into my life. I specifically try to react against that side of myself that looks at the world as a disconnected, isolated place with little to offer the human soul. Rather I try to give the world what I think God has called us to and that is to share the grace and hope. Without God, the world is a world where Nirvana makes perfect sense.

I think that's also why I love Ecclesiastes so much. It may very well be my favorite book in the Bible. It is almost the "Nevermind" of the Bible. By the way, Psalm 88 would have to be the "In Utero" of the Bible. Ecclesiastes shows the pointlessness of a trying to pleasure oneself, the pointlessness of gathering wealth, the pointlessness of knowledge. And life is pointless without God, because otherwise everything we do is just us occupying ourselves until a day where we waste away into dust.

I find Ecclesiastes strangely reassuring. That as a Christian, I can recognize the despair of a life without God not as some sort of alien mindset, but rather the thing that I am trying to overcome in myself.

In the end, I connect to Nirvana and their music because it is a connect to a bizarro version of myself, the self I would be without God and it makes me thankful for the hope I have.

Start a Trendy Heroin Habit

I just finished the wild card match at stand up and I have plunked myself down at home and I can relax. This has been a long, tiring month. It's been more of a tiring season. It just never stopped. Well, never stopped is the wrong phrase. I guess it ended now. But it's good to know that I don't have to cram and have a script ready or a speaking engagement or more stand up. I can just rest. Which is a relative term. I have to work until Thursday before my first true day off. I don't know what to do with myself. Business has become the norm. I've had no time to reflect or rest or hunt for a girlfriend or keep the apartment clean or continue my search for Abe Vigoda. It just seems like I'm trying to do everything. Chasing my dreams, being responsible, finding the path God wants me, maintaining relationships. I'm trying not to miss out on life, but somehow life has sucked out all the life out of me. No, not really that extreme. I just really to say the part about life sucking the life out of me. But really, I have a hard time taking in life. I'm overdosing. Too much is going on. I'm not really enjoying any of it.

Hopefully, I can take this time as a respite. Just go to work. Catch up with people. Sleep 10 hours a day. Start a trendy heroin habit. Join a fight club.

I'm Hoping that at Some Point I Can Rate a Movie as "Shit Sandwich"

So I was on Breakfast Television today and it was a good experience. I've never been on TV or anything, and it was all so new. I had no idea what to expect, and I was feeling a little nervous about the whole thing, that I was going to trip on a cord and unplug everything, or accidentally fight the host until only one person walks away alive. But it was good. Jon made me feel right at home and as the segment went along I did alright for my first time. I even made the guy laugh a couple of times out loud. He asked me if "Definitely, Maybe" was a chick flick and I said, "Yes, it definitely is. It was a little awkward watching it with the roommate" and he lost it for a moment. That felt good. Afterward he was saying to other people that he found the new permanent movie review guy. Mind you, he could be just saying things as passing comments, especially since I was so close to fighting him. He had it coming. But with me now pacified, I think he may had been legitimate, so I might be back. I'm hoping that at some point I can rate a movie as "shit sandwich". I don't think it will happen though. It would be funny, but won't happen. Now, I have to focus on writing scripts for videos. Oh, man. So much to do...

The Delusion of Michael Scott

I was in a book store yesterday while I was on my trip out west. I was reading an article from a book about philosophy and the Office. The article was really interesting, talking about Michael Scott's delusion of being the popular, smart, funny, handsome guy despite evidence to the contrary. He ignores this evidence for the most part and lives in bliss. However, if ever confronted directly by the fact that he is not those things, he falls into a depression. He needs the delusion. While other philosophers and theologians say that it is important to discover and know oneself, it may actually hurt an individual such as Michael Scott.

I've been finding that I would like that delusion. Just keep pretending that I'm witty, fun, a heart-breaker, despite evidence to the contrary. Live in a blissful ignorance and not get wrapped up in my inadequacies. It would be be great. I wouldn't get caught up with things I can't seem to change anyway.

So far, I have been very good at maintaining the delusions for other people. People believe that I'm funny, smart, popular. The fact is that I'm just good at lying and bluffing. My humor is borrowed, my intelligence based on guesswork, and popularity assumed. But every once in a while a person finally realizes after they spend a decent amount of time with me that I am no more than an illusion I have created. And that is when I feel the worst. I know they see through the veil and that I am no more than a bumbling, crass fool. And you can't trick them again. They already know. Unfortunately, as of late, more and more people have seen through the illusion and I feel like crap.

My ongoing delusion of perceived connections to girls in my life is continually pulled back by the reality of the fact that they are just nice people who are nice to everyone. Nothing is better than starting to fall for a girl who you think you are connecting to and have the potential to date, only to find out that they have standards.

My continuing struggle to be original with sketches, comedy and talks is non-stop. I'm always on the brink of having nothing. And I still can barely perform them with the skill that they require. And of course, my grand failure at the stand-up competition. It's a little much sometimes.

Yet, people still ask me to do stuff. All because of the illusion I always promote. I keep pretending my stuff is good quality and advertise it as such and continue to fool people into accepting a lower quality of presentation. But even this illusion has started to fall apart and people will move on.

Hopefully I can maintain it long enough to actually produce something that is genuinely good. Something that I will be satisfied with. Something that I will be truly happy with and not something I pretend to be happy with.

Mother Father Chinese Dentist!

One of the saddest things that I hear from people is when they say that they don't go to my church any more because no one reached out to them. That sucks. I know it to be true. But it's one of those things where I don't know what to do about it. For one, it's the nature of large groups. After the service, I want to say hi to people that have never been there before, but I also want to talk a little bit to my friends, because I want to maintain some of the relationships that I built here. And I also know that no one is intentionally trying to ignore people that walk into our church for the first time.

Of course, it doesn't help that I can't recall people for the life of me. I could talk to the same person multiple times and I may not readily remember them. Or I get caught in that terrible thing where I say:

"Hey, I haven't seen you here before. Is this your first Sunday here?"

And then to theirs and my dismay, they respond, "No, I have been coming for three months. I met you four times now."

"...yeah...about that...good to talk to you again, brother in Christ."

Names as they have been, are lost on me. It's bad that I am the one that new people talk to. I mean, I try to meet new people because I know that people in general have a hard time going to talk to new people, so you need to get someone who doesn't mind putting themselves on the line to meet them. I wish new people could realize that people have a hard time meeting new people and that it's not that our church is trying to be clichy. Fuck.

It breaks my heart. I want new people to come and feel welcome. I would love it if a new person just jumped in and joined a conversation. I wish that it was more than a handful of people who greet new people (and I don't always do it). What can I do? Should I just ignore my friends completely and just focus on meeting new people. And then once I make a friend, I can then just ignore them and get back to focusing on meeting new people. That way I have a bunch of shallow relationships with everyone and then the new people will think that I am only superficially interesting in being their friend and then they leave anyway. Damn it.

I am swearing more than usual because this thing is the most frustrating thing for me. I know the people at our church are great people. And I love the things that the church stand for, but having that idea conveyed is not happening as well as it should. Mother father Chinese dentist!

So, dear people who may visit my church in the future, please come talk to me, I am genuinely interested in getting you to meet new people. And I'll try to remember your name. No guarantees. I don't even give that guarantee to my mother.

A Plot Twist in a Dream?

I had a sweet dream last night. It was like a movie. It starts off with a view looking down on a white sports car that was being chased by cop cars. The car is swooping in and out of traffic. At one point, it cuts off a red van which in turn holds up the cop cars temporarily. The sports car continues its escape and then I come to realize that I am the one driving the car. As I drive, I see that up ahead there is a spike strip and I slam on the brakes. Then I start spinning the car's wheels and turn the car to the left. More spikes. Turn to the right and more spikes. I look to where I came from and see that they have put more spikes down. I then hammer on the gas and try to dodge the spikes on the left and two of the tires are slashed. As I drive away, I realize that my car will be useless soon so I pull the car to the right and crash into the bushes. The scene cuts to me being brought to a prison and to a cop of some sort who happens to be my friend, Chris, who is supposed to ask me questions about the crime that led to the car chase. He is in disbelief that I could do something so bad. The scene then cuts to me being led to another cell where there are many other prisoners sharing. For whatever reason, it is a mixed gender prison. I try to go to sleep, but it is almost morning and I have to get up to get breakfast. Now, for some bizarre reason, they serve breakfast by bringing it to the cells on rolling serving tables and opening all the cell doors. In hindsight, that would be a terrible way to do it. Any way, people start crowding into the hallway to get food. I go as well and I see Monica.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I was driving the red van, remember."

"Oh yeah."

It is at that point that me in dream remembers that she was apart of my crime and that she apparently didn't escape either. I leave her and continue through the crowd where I run into Tyler, another accomplice.

"Tyler."

"Hey man."

We start walking up some stairs.

"Tyler, do you remember actually robbing the bank?"

"Of course, I mean you were the safe cracker and I was the gunman."

I should mention that this is the first time it was made known to me as the dreamer. I mean, a plot twist in a dream? That is awesome!

"I know that, but do you actually remember robbing it?"

"Not really, but I definitely remember the smells."

"Something weird is going on."

We have made our way up onto a football field where the inmates can workout and such. Tyler picks up a football and hucks it high into the air. We then notice the ball is going to land near some rough looking guys. We hold our breath hoping it doesn't hit them. The ball lands five feet from them and they look up at us. Tyler starts running away. I stand and watch as one of the goons take off after Tyler and tackles him down field. I turn back to the other head guy and see him marching with his eyes on Tyler. I start to run for the guy and jump up on him and start punching him in the head. The thug carries me towards the edge of the field which looks down on the rest of the prison. He is storming with anger and as he charges he attempts to throw me through the fence, but I hold onto him and pull him with me. We crash through the fence. He falls more or less straight down, but I fly outwards and just over the outer wall lined with barbed wire. Time seems to slow as I see him land on a flagpole and I glide over. I turn in the air and gently slow my fall and land on a small strip of land between the wall and the ocean. I then wake up.

That was like a blockbuster of a dream. I mean, what happened at the robbery? Were we intending to rob it or were we forced into it? Who knows? Literally nobody.

The Ancient Cyborg Sasquatch Who is Slated to Reappear When the Tree of Despair Has it's First Fruits Blossom

Know what would be awesome? A quest. Like a quest that involves a long trek and a sword and stuff. Wouldn't it be sweet for some old man with a scroll come up to you and say that you're apart of some ancient prophecy and that only you can defeat the ancient cyborg sasquatch who is slated to reappear when the tree of despair has it's first fruits blossom. I would go into Roger's and say, "Hey, I've got to protect everything that everyone holds dear...their lives". The first I would have to do is like, buy a cape and some sweet boots. Of course I would need to go retrieve the sword from like some under water grave where Socrates died fighting leviathan. And then with the sword I have to fight the leviathan, but now it's like a huge skeleton and I have to use my imagineering and magic powder and a gun to fight it. Of course, it wouldn't be a normal gun. It would be a gun that could fire my sword at bad guys.

Then at one point this guy in totally black ambushes me on a subway train and so I have to fight him to the death and it's this long battle and he slashes he in the face and so it gives me this wicked scar but it unleashes this hidden power and I just blast him with a lightning bolt out the side door and then he gets smucked by another subway train.

Wait, suddenly this whole scenario is not as feasible as it was at the start. Although the lightning bolt thing would be pretty awesome. Anyway, some sort of quest. Enough of this humdrum life. Where's my cape? Where's my obligatory sidekick? Or my rippling pecs? Maybe I should just go to the bar and pick a fight. I mean, if you can't find something good to do with your life, the only other choice is to hit on another guy's chick and then have a bar stool broken over your back.

And That's Why I Have to Kick Dogs and Kick Them Far

Am I a jerk? It's a question I wonder about sometimes. Especially if I have just returned from my weekly meeting of Dog Kickers and specifically when I won the award that week for furthest kicked dog. I mean, I joke a lot about being a jerk, but when I do stuff like that, I just think, maybe I am.

It's not that I wish ill any specific ill on anyone. General ill, yes, specific ill, no. And look at this blog. Half the time I'm getting angry at people and the other half is fantastical creatures. Which of course means that I am so angry that mere people are not enough to satisfy my rage, but then I also have to get angry at things that don't exist.

Maybe the problem isn't with me though. Sure, I have a lot of anger, but is it my fault that humanity can't step it up and be sufficient for my rage? Stupid world. Trying to make me look like a jerk. I'm not a jerk, I'm adorable. That's right, adorable. If you think anything else, you're just apart of the problem with this world. You're either for me or apart of the problem of the world.

Sure, there will be those logicnistas that will say that by me shifting the blame from me onto others and saying that others are the problem is really me being irresponsible and not owning up to my own shortcomings and mistakes. Hey, I'm the victim here, maybe you should lay off, but of course you won't because you're a world-hugger. You hate our freedom! You are trying to take away my inalienable right to be a guiltless victim! That's in the constitution. And some of you book-readers are going to tell me that it's not true. And you know why that is. Because they are apart of the problem and want to destroy everything good about the world. And you see that's why I have to kick dogs and kick them far, because this world is so messed up because of "them" that I clearly have no other choice but to do this. After all, I'm the victim. And if you disagree, then you're with the ones that are forcing me to kick dogs. You should be disgusted with yourself.

Not That I Would Punch You, But It is an Option I Want to Have at My Disposal

Facebook, WAYN, MySpace, I hate you all. I am tired of being inundated with e-mails whenever a friend or even some guy I met once is suckered into signing up and then an automatic e-mail is sent out. At first I thought it was because they wanted me to sign up to. And so I start filling out forms and making up passwords and I get on there and it is just a waste of time. Because once inside you can "customize" and search through millions of other profiles and bull crap like that. So now I gotta spend more time! And of course trying to find a person I actually know on these things is the equivalent of going into a crowded mall and shouting out the name of your friend, only to find out later that they've changed their name to "crazylittlefunbuns_00219" and now no longer acknowledge their existence. C'mon, you're killing me. Then I go and hang out with people and they are like, "oh, what's your MySpace" or "do you have a SlapHappyPictureTextHollapolooza!"

I technically do have a MySpace, I technically have a WAYN account, and I am about to be tricked into having a PoojeranSlickPeopleCircleMe account, but now I just say that I have a blog. That's it. And then I tell them it's on Blogspot. Then I have to for some reason defend the fact that I like the one blog and do not want to transfer to MySpace despite it's numerous options and gimmicks. I have one gimmick! Getting angry about things and writing about them to people that aren't actually reading the blog! I don't need people to see this. It's cool to be told that it's funny to check out and stuff, but I don't need to be a multi-media presentation. I don't believe that I will become a celebrity because of a stupid blog. I don't expect to meet friends on here. I don't want to. I want to meet real people. People that you would meet on MySpace to me is essentially meeting a fake person, because there is no true interaction. The only fake people I'm interested in meeting are robots! I don't know if cyborgs are included in the fake people category because of the whole half human, half robot thing. But I probably wouldn't want to be friends with a cyborg anyways. I mean, what are you? Robot or human? Make up your mind, we're at war!

Sorry about that. Talk about cyborg and their flip flopping always distracts me. Anyway, how I am supposed to get to know someone through text and pictures? I want to actually interact with others and at least have the option of punching you in the face if the situation warranted it. Not that I would punch you, but it is an option I want to have at my disposal. That is the advantage to talking to someone in person. You have that spontaneity. I don't want to depend on the lousy internet to maintain friendships.

"But you can keep in contact with other people that are far away" some would say and the first thing I have to say to them is how the heck did you sneak your way into writing in my blog! Secondly, e-mail, telephones and to a lesser extent telegrams are all fine methods for messages to far off places. Why do I have to maintain seven website profiles just to connect to people. I'll stick to my Blogspot and my g-mail address thank you very much.

A Cyanide Pill Gets You Out of Many a Hairy Situation

Ok, so I have had a request to finish my story from January 20th, 2006. That's a good a place as any to start up blogging again. I finally have my computer up and going and I am ready for the oncoming onslaught of blog action. In case you do not have my whole blog memorized via date, go ahead and refresh yourself on the story. I am going to pick up the story from where I am about to go on the pre-date with a girl who may or may not be aware of the fact I like her. The pre-date is a beautiful system that allows me to test the waters and see if I even see any potential without all the dramatics of official dates. Unfortunately, with the fact that the girl I am about to go out on a pre-date with is now potentially compromised, I am in uncharted territories. I take a cyanide pill with me in case things go a rye.

We wind up going down to the Forks (a grand Winnipeg landmark) and spending the morning together and it was ok. I knew that we wouldn't work as a couple or whatever. As a pre-date, it would have been perfect. I could have walked away and no hurt feelings. But alas, as she was driving me home, I knew that if she didn't know now that I had a crush on her, she would know soon. I had to do something otherwise this weird feeling would hang over the friendship. I didn't know what to do.

And then it came to me. There was only one way out. But as I was about to swallow the cyanide, a better idea came to me.

It was an idea that would resolve everything with no hurt feelings.

I turned to her and said in an apathetic kind of way, "Hey, so I wondering if you want to go on a date or something."

It was brilliant.

She said no. She dropped me off and that was that. It didn't hurt me because I didn't want the date anymore and she gets the benefit of not having to guess whether or not I liked her.

Of course, if you're reading this, it is quite arguable that I asked her out with intent and that I'm just giving you an excuse that makes it seem like I wanted her to say no. But I guess you will have to believe my word. And if you don't believe me then that's fine, a cyanide pill gets you out of many a hairy situation.

As a side note, I should that the other girl that I liked turned into another debacle worthy of a hilarious romantic comedy with out the romantic part.

You Kick Your Heroine Habit By Entering "Jig Therapy"

Here's another story to hold you over as I try to scramble to finish my script for my play. I was just reminded of it today. It happened back when I was in my first year at Prov when I was a simple newbie to the drama program. I was hungry for parts and acting and free cookies from the cafeteria. The college life of Prov was so engaging. I even created my own work of drink perfection in what I call "Chocolate Beer" in which I combined root beer with chocolate milk to concoct what I thought what was the equivalent of money in cup and later money in the digestive tract. Anyway, that has nothing to what I want to talk about which is of course, my first acting part on stage at Prov. Actually, I don't want to talk about that. Essentially, I did what actors do which must be common knowledge. You read the script, you read it again, you memorize the script, you memorize it again, you eat the script, you spit it back up, you tape it back together, you practice it, you block it, you "get into character", you do acting exercises like becoming a walnut, you listen to the ocean sounds of the prairie, you fast, you make a robot, you read the script once more, you take a quick cat nap, you pick out your costume, you burn down your neighbour's asherah pole, you read a Shakespeare play, you then read a play that makes sense, you read your script, you threaten to quit for a week, you make a crazy demand like wanting a trip to the moon, you do a jig, you call your director a jerk, you do another jig, you memorize the script one more time, you practice it with the other actors, you pick up a trendy heroine habit, you do another jig, you kick your heroine habit by entering "jig therapy", you get on stage and perform. That's all that acting is.

What I want to talk about is actually during the performance of the play. I was on the stage as Kenicki of Grease fame and I was about to destroy the phone booth from Bill and Ted's excellent adventure (I am not even vaguely making that up). It was a difficult role to do because I have never seen Grease or read it or listen to the music or performed a jig to it. However, I did better in that role than I did the off stage portrayal of Dr. Grant from Jurassic Park and my role as Elvis (both of which were also in the same play I should add. It's a complicated story). Anyway, I was supposed to destroy the phone booth and attempted to use a baseball bat, but it was not yielding the results that I desired, so I kicked it over and attempted to frog splash it. This worked because it was not a real phone booth, but rather a refrigerator box. It collapsed underneath my weight and flattened. Little did I think that the box when flattened would emit enough force to be able to kick out the frame that held up a black curtain. The frame and curtain then fell forward on top of me, whacking me on the back of the noggin and covering me like in a cartoon. People were taken aback and through their laughter I realized their concern for my well being. I then wrestled my way out from underneath the curtain and ad libbed "Take that!" It pretty much immortalized the play. That's true acting ability. Being able to make clumsiness look like you are "acting".

So what can you learn from this. Absolutely nothing. If you think there is some grand lesson to be learned in this event. You are looking too hard. Although, there is the acting lesson of knowing how much time to spend jigging and the answer is there is never too much time spent jigging.

What Reality Does is Steal the Laughter From Children

This is my 24th birthday today. How am I celebrating it? With food. A lot of food. My roommate, Aaron, just took me out for breakfast. Darwin's taking my out for lunch and I am holding a potluck at my house tonight. So much food.

I'm also learning how to cook. I mean it actually putting together meals that require a stove and do not come with the label Campbell's or Chef Boyardee. Last night I made my first recipe-directed meal, which was a Dill Pork Stir Fry. And I have to say that it was awesome. I fooled people into believing I have more skill than I do. That's what my acting career depends on.

People are always telling you to not put on masks and that is a bunch of phooey. Masks prevent people from knowing that you are disappointingly human. Instead you create an illusion. And who doesn't like magic tricks? Mennonites and Baptists. But they don't count and it hinders my point. Magic tricks are fun and entertaining. Sure, they are based on a thick coat of deception and lies, but that is what people want. They want to be fooled by a false persona. They don't want to know the real person, because a real person brings along such nuisances such as real life problems. And real life problems require real concern and who wants that? I mean why should I help you when I'm having enough trouble maintaining my illusionary mask? That mask takes a lot of time and effort to maintain. Maintaining a mask requires as much time and effort as it does to face reality. The difference is that a mask hides the hassle that is emotion and facing reality requires facing reality. Oh and there's no fun magic-like illusions in reality either. You see what reality does is steal the laughter from children and that's why we avoid it.

So I will continue to fool people into believing that I can cook and act and drive without a license until the point when someone gets poisoned or run over and then I will have to create another illusion and flee to Mexico. You solve discovered lies by creating new, more elaborate ones. It's worked for 24 years, maybe it will work for another 24. Although hopefully for longer than that. I want to be older than 48 so that I can complain about how you can't trust the youths these days.

Friendly Reminder of My Birthday

Even though I am still trying to focus on writing my script, I would like to remind people out there that my birthday is coming up on February 14. Thus is it important for you to get your gift out to me on Monday if there is to be any chance of me receiving it on time. Money is an acceptable gift, however, homemade cards are not acceptable unless they have money it. It's not the thought that counts, but how much the thought costs that counts.

To My Readers (Cult Followers)

I'm am writing this just to say that I know I have been putting off my blog because of more pressing matters (girls) that require my attention (flirting). Since that being the case (not being the case), I regrettably have to wait until I finish writing my play (rolling doobies), planning the 24 day (smoking said doobies), get something together for my birthday party (orgy). So, please bear with me (give me money) and keep checking back and I'll try to get back on track (out of rehab).

Sincerely (Laughing-at-your-mother),
Dave Rae (Jerkface)

That Guy is Such a Jackass. Me, That is.

This is me with my new digital camera. I can't believe I paid ten dollars for it. And it almost made me miss my bus. And look how it makes me look. I look like some schmo who fell for buying a crappy camera. C'mon, look at that thing. I could eat it. Now, that would be a great picture. From within inside my mouth. I don't know how I'd take the picture and it'd probably be pretty dark.

But that's all I have for today. I'm trying to actually finish my script, so I can't be wasting all my creativity on people who never leave comments either.

However, I'll leave you with this other picture as I am trying to figure out how this camera works. I think it's a good summary of my angry confusion with life and more accurately with this device that I was conned into buying for ten bucks. Look at it, I'm about the rip into the guy who was taking the picture. That guy is such a jackass. Me, that is.

Just Imagine How Much I'd Like Real Anger and Pride

Man, I love Faith Covenant Church. I am able to do or say anything that I want. Well, sort of. I mean I can't going around saying how I think "24" should be incorporated into canon. Because for one, that makes no sense. And two, they may actually do it. No, I'm joking. They wouldn't. I'm pretty sure anyway.

Back to my story. At church, instead of Eric doing a sermon, they opened up the mike and allowed people share different instances when others in the church showed the love of Christ. It was supposed to be a time for encouragement. A few shared and it was good.

Now, I don't know what takes over in me. It could be intuition. It could be the Holy Spirit or perhaps the devil. I would like to say the former, because that make me seem holier. Anyway, I proceed to go up there and share about how people have never made me feel alone and have been there for me. The key thing is that I did it under the guise that I didn't want people to do that and that I found it distracting and not helpful since I can't feel sorry for myself and listen to my mix tape of R.E.M. and Journey and eat my litre of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and how it's just sitting in my freezer going to waste. I pretended to be angry and I scolded the church for it. I love doing that kind of thing so much.

I love fake anger. And fake pride for that matter. It's so fun just yelling at people and making yourself seem so much better than everyone else. You know, if I like fake anger and fake pride, just imagine how much I'd like real anger and pride. That'd be great! Have a skewed view of the world and blaming everyone else for everything bad and taking all the credit for all the good.

Man, pooch all you guys and your Faith Covenant Church! I'm going to the Church of Me! You can have your community and encouragement. I rather complain and keep the bitterness in. And let it festoon. Yeah.

A Swift Kick to the Shin Followed By a Merciless Running Away Before They Could Catch Me

I am looking forward to Saturday Night Live tonight. The show has been so good recently. Ever since Andy Samberg and Kristin Wiig has appeared on the show, it's been getting better and better. Especially since Samberg's addition along with his two friends from the "Lonely Island". Those guys are so creative and very much down the line of oddball humour that I still love to incorporate into my sketches. Many don't even realize how good SNL is anymore because they fall into that horrible trap that so many seem to.

Ask anyone why they've stopped watching SNL and the reason is almost always, "It's not as good as it used to be." Usually, it's connected to one or a handful of performers. People five years ago would always say "It used to be good when Farley, Sandler, Myers and Carvey were on there, now it's garbage." In the last couple of years, people said "It used to be good when Ferrell was on there, but now it's garbage." Why do people just give up on the show when there's cast changes? It will always get good again. It takes incredible talent to be able to create, practice and perform a full hour and a half worth of material all within in the course of one week. And the show goes through ups and downs, but the show will never become unwatchable. In fact, with the implementation of more and more video sketches, it's starting to really open up the potential of the show. It will also be good if they can veer away from sketch after sketch of talk shows that were so rampant two years ago and that's what they have been doing.

I mean, last week with the "First Human to Ever Dance" was so simple and yet so funny. I wish I would be able to come up with stuff like that. I try hard to be original with my stuff and I'm glad to be able to come up with the little that I have (not all of which is that original). Working on Saturday Night Live would be a dream. But I don't know if I could cut it, because I don't have that one thing. What is it? Oh yes, talent. I mean, I get some good stuff out there occasionally, but SNL writers are required to submit at least one original sketch every week. Considering I always feel like I have come up with the last original thing I could come up with, that would be so stressful.

That is why I am willing to defend Saturday Night Live against all naysayers with barbarian verocity and undying devotion. I would sacrifice my own child for that show. Or at the very least, my neighbour's cat being that I don't have a child that I know of. I would shoot a man dead who would dare speak ill against Andy Samberg or at least a swift kick to the shin followed by a merciless running away before they could catch me.

That's a warning to all you out there that do not respect the efforts of one of TV's greatest institutions. Be prepared for a stern shaking of my head that would put a confused look on even the most stoic face.

I Was Not Able to Come Up With More Fart Jokes For Your Amusement

My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I still don't know what I want to do. I have these other great ideas that I'm putting together and I just don't want to try to come up with more creative things to do for it. I mean, considering few people would come out to it and the day generally sucks for me anyway (with the exception of my 2005 birthday extraordinaire). It seems like more and more of my friends are getting busier and busier and I can't spend as much time with them as I used to and time is just flowing by.

I would love a kick butt birthday, but that requires effort on somebody's part. I did that last year and it was fun, but with this script that I'm supposed to be finishing and a very special side project that I'm working on, I don't want to think of anything or really put in effort for mid-February.

Some people would shrug their shoulders and say that my birthday party or some play that I'm writing or the 24 day shouldn't bother me because I am not required to do them. That I shouldn't stress over getting it done. But I do push myself to do more so that memories are created. I don't want to go through life just working and sitting home playing video games or reading books. I want life to have more meat on it's bones. I would rather do something that would inspire books.

And all of that requires action. So I just do things. And I just wish that I didn't have to be the one putting things together and rather get to just enjoy it every once in a while.

Although, really, I should be grateful. I mean, the Colvinsons and Jo Spoor (her married name escapes me...) and others put together such an amazing birthday for me and it was the coolest day of my life (and I'm not just exaggerating).

I guess, I just want something to always look forward to. I don't want to be one of those guys who always looks back remembering the good old days. I want to participate and create the good old days to come.

Money would be the answer to this one. Just a big pile of money. And maybe a pimped out car. And maybe unrestricted access to government property. And maybe Matthew Fox.

Probably, I should just be quiet, continue to push on and just let life happen. It's just that life sucks sometimes and I want to fight that but would like some help.

So in review of this, I kind of realized that this one wasn't so funny. I apologize. I was not able to come up with more fart jokes for your amusement. I guess that's why Larry the Cable Guy will always be considered funnier than me.

Dukes of Hazzard Are Ruining the Advancement of Society and Possibly Civilization in General

I am a fan of Heroes. I like the angle they've taken with super powers and the people who possess them. They aren't running around in tights and have goofy names. They just try to deal with the powers and their lives like normal. Well, with relative normalacy. I mean, they have to do something important. It would be kind of crappy if it was just about some guy who works at a fast food joint and his power is to know what side dish the customer wants and the crisis he faces include when a customer wants something that isn't on the menu. Unless it was a mini-series. It might work then.

Anyways, back to what I really want to talk about. Fast food. I mean, super powers. I'm sure you've all had that conversation a handful of times about what power you wish you could have. But for me, it would be the power to read people's thoughts. It would be a great all around power to have. You could use it everyday and not just to save lives, but also to make life that much easier for people. Plus you could pick up chicks easier. School would be a snap. You'd be the big hit at gatherings because you know what to say. And you could even steal people's jokes before they tell them. You'd know exactly what to say or do with people who are going through tough times.

Of course, then when you talk to boring people, their thoughts are probably just as boring. Except it would be like listening to two of them at the same time. Either that or it would be like listening to them in stereo. I assume that boring people are literally saying what they are thinking.

Creepy people would be the same way. The difference would be that you'd hear what the euphemism is actually referring to as you listen to the overly obvious and gross sexual reference.

Violent people would be scary because even if then you might see the images that they are thinking when you tell them that disagree with the idea that Dukes of Hazzard has brought enlightenment to humanity. The images would most likely include them hitting jumps in their trucks that have over-sized tires, naked-girl-silhouette mudflaps, Calvin-peeing-on-a-Chevy logo in the back window, lights on the roll bar, and two huge exhausts pipes that underline their inadequacy and then them landing on me and then running me over a few more times and in my dying moments, I can hear the bitter melody of some Pable Cruz song. That is truly horrifying.

Maybe it's better not to have that power. And I definitely don't trust others enough to let them have it either. So let's just ignore everything I said. Except for the fact that Dukes of Hazzard are ruining the advancement of society and possibly civilization in general.

To Me, People Who Say "Such and Such Has Jumped The Shark" Have Jumped the Shark

24 has started it's sixth season and I've been loving it as I always have. And I can't resist going to the 24 website and checking out the message boards to see what people have said about various plot twists, but I don't know why I subject myself to it. Noone really talks about how cool it was or about what they think will happen next. The only things that go on there is how the show has now jumped the shark or the show has now gone too far. Those are the two biggest comments. It's annoying. I mean, why are you going onto the message board to complain about the TV show. If it is so terrible, then why are YOU WATCHING IT!?! Sweet mother of Pearl!

The thing that is the worst however is the "24 has finally jumped the shark" comments that are so prevalent. That phrase is so cliched all it does is rile me on such a core level. To me, people who say "such and such has jumped the shark" have jumped the shark. Say something like "that twist was a little ridiculous" or "that scene was like having sort of subhuman fish-like creature who has been given a lobotomy perform a lobotomy on me as we take the cable car ride during an earthquake as Mongolians lob molotov cocktails at us."

Besides, 24 has been on so long that it has done very well to not repeat itself. It has been consistently good with some great directing and acting with the glaring exception of Dennis Hopper. I would like to see those people who complain after six seasons can make a TV show to run so long and be half as good as 24. They would most likely put in a scene where they literally have someone jumping a shark.

As a side note to my readers, all three of you. If you ever start saying that I jumped the shark, I will buy a genetically modified shark that can somehow walk on land and let it loose into your house and you won't be able to jump because I will remove your legs so you will be unable to jump any sort of land shark.

Other People By This Point Would Be Writing Books and Earning Millions, But I Instead Do Not Because I'm a Moron

I was just invited today to a birthday that is tomorrow night. It's Lauren McFadden's, who is a girl I met at Heathen Camp or more popularly known as Camp Wannakumbac (oh relax, they called me 'God Boy'). She's a good girl to hang out with and discuss the issues of the day with. And this is the second birthday of hers that I will be going to. The weird part is the fact that I have spent one summer with her at camp and a handfull of days of hanging out outside of that. The reason it's weird is the fact that there are friends that I have had for most of my life and I can't recall going to more than one of their birthdays.

What makes it even weirder is the fact that we have no common associates. I went to her birthday a couple of years ago and she was the only person I knew there. She was there with work friends, high school friends and then me. Since she had a lot of people there, we talked for a total of ten minutes and the rest of the night I hung out with her high school friends (there were only two of them, making the awkwardness to fit in a lot less).

Tomorrow is going to be a repeat of two years ago and I'm fine with that. I love oddball situations, because I live in a perpetual state of awkwardness and thus have the tools to survive and in fact flourish in such circumstances. Plus, it gives me more experience in dealing with awkwardness and also gives me plenty of writing fodder for future reference.

People wonder how I have so many weird, bizarre stories. I think it's in God's good planning that He allows all of it to happen to me, because most humans would crumble under the weight of buses crashing into their house, avoiding muggers, outwitting a con-artist, messy dating scenarios, the Debacle of '05, cursed jobs, knocking down half the set during the one performance, and of course conversing with crazy racists in the middle of Wal-mart. Going to a birthday where I don't know anyone, that's a cake walk. I could do that blindfolded while I fight a bear that has been separated from it's young. Well, maybe not. I don't think I could do that without the awkward situation or the blindfold. Or even if I had a gun and the bear was tied up. Either way, the bear fight would not be affected by the birthday party. Back to my point, other people by this point would be writing books and earning millions, but I instead do not because...I'm a moron! Why don't I write a book? If Paris Hilton can write a book - wait, let me rephrase that. If Paris Hilton is able to write at all, then surely I could write a book. I should mention at this point that the list of awkward scenarios earlier in this paragraph all legitimately happened to me. Normally, I joke around with long lists, but all of that is true. Thus you can see how earth shattering my book could be.