Sitting in the ICU

 Here we are.

I am in the ICU, I have a single room that overlooks the city and it's going great.

I don't think I could be recovering better than I have been. The nurses have been commenting how strong my body is (that is not a common description for me) and how well I've been doing. I think they are used to more 80 years old come through here and less 42 year olds who have an physically active job. Regardless, every day, they remove more and more things from me. I am "ward-ready" as they say, so they are just waiting for a bed to open up for me there. It may not happen until tomorrow. Funny enough, it's not impossible for me to skip the ward entirely and leave as early as tomorrow.

There have not really been any curveballs thrown my way in recovery. I am able to walk around without help for short distances. The pain in my chest feels minimal. I haven't been in extreme pain that much.

I have to give a lot of credit to Adriane, who has been at my bedside throughout the days here. She is sharp and paying attention to all the details that nurses have been talking about as well as helping me sort out what the best course of action is and noticing what has worked for me and such. She's been an excellent advocate.

Sleep is probably the number one challenge, but I knew it would be for me. I sleep on my stomach normally, but now I have to sleep up my back. I have may be gotten a handful of hours of sleep each day. But I'm handling it as best as I can.

I know in my last post, there was a lot of darkness in there and that may be something that creeps back later, but right now, recovery is the distraction for me. And hopefully, once I'm recovered physically, I'll be better able to sort through that mental challenge.

Things I need at this point are for people to come visit and for people to sign up for meal drop offs. Food for Dave Post Surgery Signup Sheet - Google Sheets

I'll update again when there's another major beat to cover, but that's it for now.

The Day Before Surgery... Again

Here we are again. Almost time for the surgery. I wanted to give another update and reflection of this past month before I start the process of getting the last-minute things together.

For this past month, I have been more or less waiting. To be honest, it's been a challenging month, mentally speaking.

One of the advantages of working is that your mind is distracted. And even in the two days off work before the original surgery date, I was occupied with getting things together. Yes, that last night before the surgery, it caught up to me and I only got maybe 15 minutes of sleep, but I was relatively upbeat heading into it. I was heading into the surgery and I had all these dumb bits and a friend to joke with as I headed into the hospital.

Then, the surgery is called off.

And I'm left back at home.

With my thoughts and nothing that I needed to work on.

I had time to think, reflect, and ruminate.

A lot of quiet.

I turned my attention to upcoming projects that I have in the new year. Which has been good to finally be able to give energy to things that I want to do. I reconnected with some people I haven't talked to in a long while.

In the information package, they talk about how there's often a spike of depression that can go through people when they go through major surgery and I can see why. Even though it hasn't happened yet for me, just having so much time and knowing the road of recovery ahead is enough to think a lot of existential thoughts. What am I doing with my life? What should I do with my life?

Darker thoughts, too. Some maybe a bit too much for this forum. I'll spare you those.

The point is that I feel like all my emotions are cranked up. I went through a breakup of a relationship that I was invested and committed in recently that would have really hurt along with the necessary processing that would have taken energy, emotion, and pain even in normal circumstances. In the light of this circumstance, the question of "will I ever find my person?" strike deeper than ever.

I have been going to therapy for a while, and I know to counter the negative self-talk and I know that I am a loving, supportive man, who makes people laugh and is compassionate and kind. Yet, I still struggle to find ongoing intimacy and closeness. I've had to teach myself what does a loving relationship look like and how to express my needs, thoughts, and feelings to people I love, because I did not really have a great blueprint given to me in my household. It has been a lot of trial and error as I have had to earn that experience by messing up again and again.

I believe I have improved in that and I frankly I thought I had finally arrived. But I guess there's more to go.

I have been called resilient by many people. I know I am. I know I have gone through a lot and face setbacks and have had to put my head down and shoulder my way through it. I am fortunate that I have been able to push through those challenges relatively okay through support and my own grit and fortitude.

But I don't want to have to be resilient anymore.

I just want to be loved and have a person to do life with and have a place to fit in.

When I hear that I'm resilient, I am reminded how many kicks to the teeth I've taken over the years and how hard I've worked to still be strong, patient, kind, and earnestly be open to love. I would like to not need resiliency.

However, I will need it at least for another 3 months.

The other part of this existential thinking, I've been reminding myself of all the good things I've had the privilege to experience and all the things I'm proud of that I've done to try to bring more light to the world. I want to share some of them, just as a contrast and a way of recognizing that life has been good and can be good.

- I've put together approximately 5 (plus one fake one to help my friend propose to their girlfriend) of my "24" days where I would put together a literal 24-hour adventure for one individual where they got to be an action hero (like Jack Bauer from "24") running around the city of Winnipeg or Edmonton, doing as many of the action hero tropes of car chases, foot chases, gun fights, surveillance and trailing, investigations, interrogations, surviving interrogations, impersonate, infiltrations, all to save the day from nefarious bad guys. I would put together dossiers for all of the actors (who were just my friends) for where they had to be, what they had to do, and what they had to say. I would have to figure out timelines and a story that made sense to link all of the activities. I would rent cars, airsoft complexes, and hotel rooms. One of them, I had rented an airplane and flew the guy from Steinbach to Brandon where he did a portion of the story there (he had never been to Brandon before and all he had to navigate was a hand drawn map he made copying it off the "dead" body of a suspect he encountered at a torn apart hotel room in Winnipeg at 3am earlier that morning). My goal was to make the person think "there's no way that..." as many times as I could in the day. Oh. And they didn't know they would be doing this. They were volunteered by one of their friends and we would go to lengths for the target to book off time to make sure they were available and then they were thrown headlong into a story where they get to be a hero for a day. One time, I was asked to do a "Nintendo" version of the day for someone's bachelor party and so I cooked up this story that the world of Nintendo was merging into the real world and for the guy to save the world, he would need to be Mario for the day and complete the save the princess quest to unmerge the worlds. So, we had go-karting with a full group of Nintendo characters competing, a foot chase through the Forks where the Hammer Bros were chasing Mario and Luigi, a battle on the bridge with Bowser, going through the sanctuary of a church that we made pitch dark inside and give him only a candle to find all 10 rupees to get an item he needed. These were all funded by my tax returns I got after I finished college. Each were ambitious performance art all for the sake of one person, to give them memories that they will always have.

- I performed 5-minute comedy monologues each week for several years at the Covenant church in Winnipeg doing a character named Stan Ostrowski (the 1987 provincial bowling champion and he drives 1974 Winnebago that he's still paying for) who I would describe as an ultra-libertarian who thinks he knows everything and gives the most atrocious advice that ran parallel yet contradictory to what the pastor was speaking on that week. Sometimes he would be joined by his brother Hank, a 6'8" cross-eyed hype man with an ape-like neutral stance. One time he read the story of Jesus kicking out the moneychangers from the temple, tossed the Bible back over his shoulder (to the shocked laughter of the audience), then proceeded to say that bankers should not be allowed in church. One time Hank bellowed point blank in the face of the classiest lady in the Covenant Church who was an anchor for GlobalTV. One time, he came in announcing that he was running for Prime Minister and his platform included changing the name of Ottawa to Staningrad as well as invade the United States in a mile-wide corridor, wall it, and take over Disney World. I cannot believe we were allowed to do any of this.

- When I worked at Covenant Bay Bible Camp, I would structure the games around a storyline that would play out across the week. One week it was the Avengers. One time it was a Game of Thrones inspired story where the different teams were "Houses" vying to take control of the kingdom. One of the highlights was when one of the girls' cabins ambushed me with water balloons, and to get revenge, the next night at the dance, I conspired and created my own version of the Red Wedding that I called the Aqua Wedding. During the dance, we had a draw to hand out prizes, and the two masterminds from that girl cabin thought they had won a prize from a draw. When they came up to accept their prize, they were ambushed by pails of water and then hit with flour. Meanwhile, throughout the dance floor, other "assassins" were assigned to all the other girls in that one cabin and were also hit by water balloons. It was chaos. And so much fun.

- For two years, I was the artist in residence at the Nelson Covenant Church, where every week I was given five minutes to do whatever kind of sketch, video, or puppet sketch that I wanted. I involved some of the youth in some of these projects. I also did a puppet sketch every week for the judo club that ran out of the church basement. One highlight, the pastor was going to be speaking about the different kinds of social spaces and how they interact at church and how sometimes people can inappropriately violate other people's privacy in what is essentially a public place, so I came into the church service to do an announcement and I was wear a house coat, underwear with hearts on it and that's all, then the associate pastor as a part of the bit, confronts me and points out that it's inappropriate. After the service, an older lady confronted me about how I shouldn't have done that. So she sort of got it. She then talked to Pastor Arden, and he went to bat for me and defended my artistic integrity. It was nice to be given as much creative freedom as I had there.

- I've been a part of the Debutantes for over a decade, making several Fringe shows that I am proud to be a part of and it included sketches of mine that I think are great. Some of them based out of real life hurt and situations that I then used to explore comedically. Some of my favorites include "The House is On Fire" that is about a couple who debate whether they should bother the fire department or do anything about the fact their house is burning down. "Surprise Funeral" where a woman surprises her fiance with his father's funeral because he loves surprises so much. "Flight School of Divination" where a student pilot finds out that in order to fly a plane, you have to give a sacrifice to the sky god "Bay-ya-thune" and that the laws of aerodynamics is just a story we tell kids to make them feel good.

- I got to make a horror-like Christmas comedy movie with the Debutantes where we explored the idea of how Christmas is not always a good time for people and throughout the writing, I was able to contribute my experience and problems I have with Christmas. It was a cool experience and it's nice to have this thing that is complete to share with people.

- I am proud of the podcast "Quantum Kickflip" that I have made with the Debutantes. It's another instance of a story that I am happy with how it turned out and to hear back from people from across the world about these silly fun stories with heart.

- The years of performing improv with Sorry Not Sorry. To be able to embody different, fun characters and communally tell improvised stories and make connections with the audience in unique ways. I remember when a little girl came to our yegDND show because she met my character Ziggy, a 6-year old frost giant, on the Fringe grounds and she was given a special token that she could use to help a character in the story and she wanted to specifically give it to Ziggy. It was fun to be able to make that special connection with kids. I loved being the villainous Dungeon Master that would antagonize the crowd. I had so much fun helping create the pro-wrestling inspired show, PIF, where I got to bring all that fun wrestling energy and knowledge to people, including the one show where we had a real-life pro wrestler guest on the show and I got to take a wrestling style punch and sell it. It was great.

I know I am more than just a guy with a bunch of fun projects I've done. I know I have had the beautiful experience many times over of connecting with people and enriching each other with wisdom and insight and encouragement. Those slivers of the kingdom of heaven that are at hand.

To conclude, this has been a hard month where I have wondered about my place in this world, but I am hopeful that I will find it again like I have many times before.

Surgery is Postponed Again and Why

I found out yesterday that the surgery has been postponed again and they did not have a new date for me.

The issue has been a staffing one. Specifically, they are short perfusionists (the person who operates the heart and lung machine) and could only do emergency surgeries so as not to burn out the few they have. This is apparently a nationwide issue, but Alberta has been removing investment in the healthcare system and so the wages are not competitive.

They couldn't give me a timeline yesterday, because I assume it would be difficult to predict how long a search would take.

Anyway, I was informed today of the new date which is October 29th. You will notice this is literally one month after the original date.

I feel confident in this date.

But who knows? We will just hope for the best.

In the meantime, I will look for things to pass the next three weeks.

Surgery is Delayed

 Surprise!

The surgery has been postponed until Thursday, October 9th.

I was already in process of being prepared for surgery. I was in the gown, they had shaved me and I was waiting for the porter to take me into the surgery room when the nurse informed me that due to some emergency, my surgery was bumped. I knew that this was a possibility. Emergency surgeries will bump scheduled ones if a life is on the line. There may have also been a staffing issue from what I gathered.

My surgery was only bumped 10 days due to the nature of my surgery and the importance of it which is a saving grace because it would be awkward if it was much more than that.

So, now, I am in this space of time where I have to wait. It's like a surprise vacation that I was not expecting. I'm going to focus on taking care of my mental health and fortifying my constitution.

As the surgery got closer, it was harder to sleep. The night before the surgery, I only got maybe 15 minutes of sleep due to stress. I know the stress will spike again as the new date approaches, but hopefully I can be more calm.

There is a decent possibility that I get bumped again. I spoke with surgeon's assistant, and she mentioned that staffing has been a challenge. The surgery will happen and I know I am fairly high priority for the surgeon.

Despite this delay, I am still thankful for universal health care. I would not be able to afford this surgery under a privatized system. I don't blame the doctors or the hospital.

I fully blame Danielle Smith and the UCP government. Healthcare is under the purview of the provincial government and the UCP time and time again have undermined the public healthcare system. Public healthcare works when it is funded and supported. Like many conservative governments, they do want to cut spending to the detriment of services that the public needs so they can give tax cuts to the wealthy and corporations. 

Smith has been pushing to privatize healthcare since she entered office despite a privatized healthcare system has been the ruin of many American families. Her government have put unnecessarily cruel new restrictions on AISH that makes it harder for those with chronic illnesses to have a decent quality of life. She restructured the healthcare system unnecessarily and has put down a foundation that can lead to privatization.

The hospital wouldn't be having staffing issues if we put money into system so they can give healthcare workers a good wage and they can hire more.

This is not just affecting me. This issue affects all Albertans.

But if I do happen to die waiting for this surgery. It is her and her government's fault.

There is all this talk about how the physical violence enacted by Luigi Mangione is beyond the pale. However, the American healthcare CEOs enact violence and kill people all the time with a stroke of a pen. That is violence beyond the pale.

If the UCP doesn't want the deaths of thousands of sick Albertans on their hands, they need to fund the healthcare system.

Anyway. I'm coming up with more island-themed activities for my impromptu vacation. If you're around in Edmonton, hit me up and we can both live on #islandtime!

The Day Before Surgery Update

(The following is the text from an email I sent out to people who were interested in being updated on my surgery. Some people may have missed being added to it, so here it is.) 

Hello!

You're receiving this email because you requested to be kept in the loop about the status of my surgery. Feel free to forward this email if someone would be interested in knowing this stuff.

First, I've done a fundraiser and people have sent me money and the response has been really lovely. I should be fine financially speaking for the duration of the recovery. There are also all sorts of extra costs such as getting a powerlift recliner and a bunch of Hawaiian shirts (I don't have many button-up shirts and decided to get the funniest kind of button-up). I'll be honest, to receive the amount I have from folks has been a little overwhelming as I am someone who is reluctant to ask for help. It's been really humbling to receive as much as I have and I hope I can pass it forward when I can.

If you would like to donate, I do have a GoFundMe:  Fundraiser by David Rae : Dave Rae vs. Heart Aneurysm: The Final Showdown! 

However, if you live in Canada, you can just e-transfer: davidjrae@gmail.com

Once again, I should be fine at this point, but if you want to help that is a way to help.

Second, I have set up supports for my recovery. My friend Jamie (whose mom used to work in the cardiac unit and actually knows my surgeon) is going to be there as I go into surgery and will stay with me in the hospital. Then I have a friend from Manitoba, Adriane, who will be coming to stay with me at my place for a couple of weeks. I will be giving your email to these two to potentially send an email once I have made it through surgery. I left their email in the To: line of the email so if you see an email from them, you don't have to be suspicious. I trust them to not harass you to join an MLM.

I have made a Google Sheet where people can sign up and bring me food. I sent it out yesterday, which is TOO LATE TO BE DOING THIS, but I don't know if you know this: real life doesn't care if you have heart surgery coming up and you still have to go to work and do chores and such. It's up now.  https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1QHwBQ29iGKNJoEQQzcFm0NcgVSpIg8YSyN7Eg-hPtzU/edit?usp=sharing

I am being admitted into the hospital tomorrow at 5:30am MST. The surgery is estimated to be 4-5 hours. It is to repair the weakened aortic root. This weakening is thought to be due to a genetic condition that I haven't officially been diagnosed with called Marfan Syndrome. I don't have all the symptoms, and so I may have a milder form of it. Essentially, it is a condition that affects connective tissue and can then impact the skeleton and circulatory system. You know how I'm tall, gangly, hyper flexible at the joints, and can faint easily? Those are all signs of Marfan. So, I owe much of my physical humor and stories to this condition. A real mixed blessing as it were. There is no real cure for it, because it is genetic. For milder cases like mine, the only way it impacts me is that I would need surgery at some point. And this some point is tomorrow. I should theoretically only need the one. My cardiologist has been tracking the progression of aorta for the last decade (when I fainted at the hospital visiting my now ex-mother-in-law. Hospital people don't handwave fainting away like I did). He was waiting until the right time to book the surgery. If we did it too soon, I may need another one later in life. If we wait too long, the aneurysm would burst and I would be gone in minutes. My brother, Darwin, passed away because an aneurysm burst in his heart that he had no idea about. Since it's genetic, it's a real possibility that he had a similar situation to mine. So, I'm actually lucky that my mother-in-law broke her hip while riding her bike down a half-pipe (fully true. That happened to her. I have no idea why she did it).

The odds are very much in my favor for this situation. The surgery has a 98% success rate. I am young and relatively healthy. Edmonton happens to have one of the best cardiac units in the country, if not the world. My surgeon is known to be one of the best in Canada. I have free healthcare. I have so many kind people helping me out. Final Fantasy Tactics will be released on the day of the surgery and it is pre-ordered, so my video game needs are taken care of, which I know you are all concerned about.

There is a 5% chance that when they get in there, they may need to also replace a heart valve. I have a bicuspid valve which is where a normal heart valve has 3 flaps, one of mine only has 2. It has been working well despite missing the flap. The surgeon said that he would prefer not to replace it because my natural bicuspid valve is better than having a mechanical one which requires medication for the rest of my life and may need to be replaced. However, if he gets in there and it is a worse problem than it first seemed, they will have to put in the mechanical valve. I hope not, but I don't want to hear clicking for the rest of my life!

I will be in the ICU for about 2 or 3 days, then moved to the... ward? Gen pop? Whatever the place where patients stay that is not the ICU. Solitary confinement? Anyway, I will be at the hospital for about a week. I plan on racing the other patients and talking a lot of smack. Maybe pick up a girlfriend.

Once home, I cannot drive for another 5 weeks or so. Then I should be allowed to get back to stealing specific high-end sports cars with Nicolas Cage. (Remember "Gone in 60 Seconds"? I liked that movie. Probably doesn't hold up, but it started with "Black Betty" which is a great song)

You can tell I am starting to get antsy writing this email because I need to throw in more jokes to make this fun for me.

Recovery is to take about 3 months before I'm back to where I was before. Less for the heart, but rather for the ribs and core muscles to repair. This is full open-heart surgery, so they have to break the ribs (GAAAAAHHHHH) to get in there. As I said before, I got a powerlift recliner because I will have to sleep on my back which is not how I normally sleep (I sleep on top of piles of money with many beautiful ladies). The powerlift is there to reduce the strain on the core muscles. I won't be able to raise my arms much for the same reason, and so that's why I needed the button-up shirts. Since I will be wearing these Hawaiian shirts, I am proclaiming that these next three months I will be on "island time" because I'm a comedian. Not a good one, but technically I try to make jokes.

I will not have much energy at the start and that's why Adriane will be there at the start of my recovery and I am so blessed to have her help. I cannot thank her enough. Once she heads back to Winnipeg, I should be in a spot to be able to do the basics on my own.

I also want to recognize Jamie and Cheryl Pratt who have been an immense help in the lead up to the surgery. Being able to sit down with them and go over information about the surgery, get their insight, and being there on the calls with the medical team has been nice.

Of course, I want to thank everyone else who has been there in various ways of support through donations for the auction at the fundraiser, donating time and energy to the fundraiser, donating money to me, to those reaching out with kind messages, to those who will send me food once I'm out.

This is a tangent, but this moment has really reminded me of something. One of the things I've thought about over the years is what is heaven like, if there is such a thing? Even Christian descriptions of heaven never appealed to me. We gotta sing for 10, 000 years and then sing for 10,000 more? The idea of living forever is terrifying to me, even in paradise. It makes the idea of heaven not seem appealing whether it is on that existential level or the experiential (like seriously, that's a lot of singing!). What I've come around to is that whatever the afterlife looks like, it will be good. It will be right for us.

Maybe we simply cannot understand what it is like until we are there and it will be easy to live forever. Maybe there's nothing and when we go, we spiritually evaporate into nothingness.

Regardless, even if there is no heaven, I have known heaven. Jesus described the Kingdom of Heaven being "at hand". The most common understanding of that is that heaven is coming soon. That it is a thing in time. When it is your time to die, you go to heaven. But that's not really what "at hand" means. When your sword is at hand, it means that it is within reach. It is more like an action than an event. There are moments in life when things are as they should be. It is like a sliver of heaven that makes you believe that things can be good and just.

Yes, this will be a hard time for me coming up. It is daunting.

But my goodness, with the number of slivers of heaven I have experienced in the last couple of months from the kindness of people from across my life, I have a 2x4 of heaven. This metaphor broke down there.

What I'm saying is, even if there is no literal heaven, I know heaven is real, because I have already been there several times when I have experienced love from dear friends and for a moment, even in this dark time, things are right.

Thank you for bringing the Kingdom of Heaven to me again and again.

To wrap up, here are the ways you can help include:
1) Visit me if you can. Whether when I'm in the hospital or at home. That brings me so much life.
2) Prayers and kind messages. I love hearing encouragement and how our connection matters to you.
3) Sign up for meal drop-offs. This is probably the most pressing thing at this time.
4) Send money if you'd like. This is not as important for me.

Expect to hear an update sometime next week.

Thank you, everyone.

- David "Heartbreaker" Rae
or

- David "The Broken Heart Valentine" Rae
or

- David "Island Time" Rae

or
- David "Avoiding Getting Ready for Surgery Because He is Nervous About It" Rae

An Atypically Typical Christmas

 Now that Christmas is done, I wanted to take a quick moment to reflect on it. For the previous two years, I would get together with a friend everyday of Christmas and hang out, and then I would post a picture and a little summary. This year, I still got together with a person most days online, but I didn't post about it because I figured a bunch of screen shots and a summary everyday saying "I had a video chat" would not be satisfying.

However, I did feel like I grew and came to a couple of realizations because of the experience. I didn't get together with as many people, one because I personally find a lot of phone calls and video chats to be a bit of a drag. I'd rather be with the person. But I also realized how much I haven't had a conversation with a lot of folks and it helped me feel better and less disconnected. I think I'm going to continue to actively reach out to people and have more of these kind of calls throughout the rest of the pandemic.

The other thing that was interesting to me this particular year (and I said it in every one of my phone calls) is that while most people were saying how this year's Christmas was strange and how for me it was one of the most "normal" Christmas' I've ever had. Some people were relieved to not have to be so busy while others were heart-broken that their tradition was broken or disappointed that it felt like any other day. Suddenly a lot of people I knew had a Christmas that I typically have.

My roommate, our downstairs neighbours, and I all got together for a Christmas supper together in our apartment. I made mashed potatoes and gravy, sat at my own table, and was at a table of equals. Everyone of us were on the same footing because it not typical for any of us. And that's where I had the feeling that this was as close I've had in a long time to the typical Christmas experience. Over the years, on Christmas, I have been invited to many homes by very gracious people. They want to make it hospitable to those who would be otherwise be alone on Christmas. And that's great. That should continue and I know many people appreciate that hospitality. As someone who is typically one of the outsiders coming to another's home, it typically feels like I get to observe someone else's Christmas and family and good life. Of course, observing other people's Christmases has become my typical Christmas and I've found things I appreciate about it. Such as getting a chance to see how different families interact and I've many things that I want to keep in mind if a family is in my future. This Christmas, I didn't get to observe another's Christmas, I was fully a participant and it was honestly very nice. I hope to have more in the future without a pandemic being the cause for it. "Here we are as in olden days

Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more

Through the years we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now"

Good Things for Me in the Year 2020

Due to the suggestion of a social media expert, I wanted to share this post that I originally had on my Facebook. I am not one to question experts, so here it is: My good friend, Laena, has done a thing at the end of the last few years of highlighting some of the good things in their life as "a way for me to remember and reflect on the good, and keep me hopeful and driven for the year ahead."

I appreciate that sentiment and would like to share some of the good things for me in 2020.

1) Because I have not been able to perform as much this year, the flip side to that is that there has been more opportunity to rest and not have to be "on" all the time. I've gotten to do other things I like and not feel like I have to choose between as many really things. There's a weird blessing in that. (Although, I do look forward to performing again)

2) I left a job with the most toxic manager I've ever worked with and now work is not something actively harming my mental health.

3) CERB was a godsend. It not only kept me financially steady during an uncertain time, but it distinctly helped reduce my debt. It also highlighted the benefits of a social safety net and hopefully Canadians remember that and continue to push away from the poison of unfettered capitalism.

4) Odd Wednesday had such a fun show early in the year where many of the different sketch groups performed each other's sketches and added their unique flavour to sketches we had seen before. Watching Ms. Perfect Boy make an existential nightmare out of Girl Brain sketches was wonderful. I can't wait to do it again.

5) I've been running a D&D campaign with two different groups that follows the tale of generations of heroes over the course of 500 years with different genres and scenarios throughout and because of various podcasts like Hook and Chance, Adventuring Academy with Brennan Lee Mulligan, and Matt Colville's YouTube channel, I have found and develop a dungeon master style that allows me to better lead a game that is open to player choice and influence. It's been a lot of fun and very rewarding. Plus it is with good friends.

6) Sudokus with weird, kinky rules has lit up my brain over quarantine.

7) I am happy with the Filliam Crowe videos I made over the year. I don't know how to market the character or the videos, but I still really liked spending time as the character who is unendingly positive and silly.

8) I've taken distinct steps to try and address my mental health and I think it's been going well.

9) "Soul" was the right kind of movie that has given me a renewed inspiration to be present and live life and not get caught up in this unhelpful idea that you need to accomplish something great or specific goals for your life to not be wasted.

10) Funny enough, while everyone else's Christmas' seemed to be upended and "ruined" or not very traditional, mine on the other hand, was probably the most traditional one I've had in a long time. I made classic Christmas dishes and served it in my home and everyone else was on the same footing as me as opposed to other years where I feel like an outsider at someone else's traditional family gathering. It was great.

11) I've come to appreciate the evil that is the owning class earning money off others simply because they own things. It has inspired me to have more compassion for those who Jesus favoured in this modern context. If we are to help the poor, the sick, and the oppressed, then we need to change the dynamic and this year has given me more to think about and identified the problem.

12) Gus Johnson makes funny videos and I'm glad I discovered him this year.

13) The video game Hades was a gift given to me and it has been a wonderfully unexpected boon to me.

14) I've gotten to have many calls and video chats with people over the year and especially over the 12 days of Christmas as I seek to spend more time with people that mean a lot to me.

15) This list was longer than I thought it was going to be.

16) Finally, the fact that I got to spend time with Jim this year. Jim was the grandpa of my friends Jamie and Michelle and last November I started to go visit Jim and keep him company at his care home. I got to know him and had a good time connecting with this new friend. Obviously, that stopped when the quarantine rules came into play and sadly, he passed away recently. I won't be able to visit my buddy anymore, but I loved the chance to know him for a little while.

There were still many good things in this year and I hope that there will be many more in the year to come. "Let me go
I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
I just wanna fight with everyone else"
- "Hero" from the Family of the Year album "Our Songbook" (This song was in my top 10 of Spotify tracks for the year)