Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Expecting Her to Give Birth, But She Doesn't Because it Turns Out to Be Just Gas

My roommate has recently gotten engaged to his girlfriend, leaving me to find a new roommate fast. And it all sort of happened in the last ten days and I have 22 days to figure out what's happening. It's the most stress I've felt since the drug testing when I won the 2002 Walkathon. Man, that was close. That's some intense competition there.

Anyway, I hate stress because it takes away from my image as an easygoing, happy go lucky kind of fellow. Oh, and it gives me just the worst canker sores. Man, I hate those things. One good thing is that it's a good measure of how stressed I am. Unfortunately, I think I'm majorly stressed because I'm currently at the two canker sore level, which is amongst the worst. I have yet to attain the three canker sore level, and if I ever got there, I think I would have to go into emergency mode and get boxes of wine, rolls of twinkies, go on vacation to my house and watch 24. Because I mean, I would need 24 to see that I don't have it that bad.

Actually, that sounds pretty good. I mean, boxes of wine and 24. Nothing more relaxing than that. Or as classy.

Maybe, I should make myself more stressed and then when it's gets to some crazy point, people would understand why I would want to take a break and then I can do the box of wine/24 thing.

Maybe take up a second job in a high demand, low reward job like McDonald's and then maybe I should rack up a large debt on something that I don't want, but can't get rid of. Something like one of those modern pieces of art and all it is is a rotting moose carcus with like an oil drill through it or something that's supposed to represent how it's wrong to nature should not be abused by attacking it with oil drills. And maybe I should get into a relationship with someone I meet at the bar who turns out to be crazy and she tells me she's pregnant with my child, even though I just met her, but then I'm obliged to take care of her for the next five years, expecting her to give birth, but she doesn't because it turns out to be just gas, but now I'm married to her and I can't divorce her because she's taken all my money and I'm still in debt because of that moose sculpture thing which is now just a hive of maggots and is still in my living room. Man, that would be so stressful.

And finally, after all of that, I could take like 2 days off and just sit in front of my tv (which is now in my bedroom because of all the maggots) and sit there with my boxes of wine and watch 24. Man, that would be so awesome.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

August's Top Ten Current Movies

Since I work at a video store and I'm always talking about movies, this might as well be apart of the blog. Besides I like putting together lists because it gives the illusions that my opinions matter. Anyways, I'm going to update the list every month and the restrictions for the list is that the movie cannot be old enough to be on the 7 day shelves (that means no "Crash"...too bad)

Anyway, presenting August's picks:
10. Wedding Crashers (I like very few comedies, I love Vince Vaughn's style of rapid delivery.
9. March of the Peguins (Those birds got a tough life)
8. Good Night and Good Luck (When the media did something good)
7. King Kong (People are disgusted by the fact that a monkey and a lady fall in, they don't get it)
6. Protocols of Zion (All about anti-semitism and how baseless it is)
5. Inside Man (Good old heist movie)
4. Why We Fight (And you thought the war in Iraq was about oil...)
3. V for Vendetta (Despite popular belief, it is not an action flick. Thus, why it is clearly underappreciated)
2. Brick (A hard nose detective in high school? Awesome)
1. Walk the Line (Johnny Cash had some issues, but he was awesome)

I like how only one comedy even made it onto the list meanwhile three documentaries made it.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I'm Like the Pimp-Prostitute of Marriage

I recently found out that a girl that I took on a date this past year is going to get married. This is exciting news. I mean I was so happy, I was celebrating and everything. Not for her, of course, but for me. I was so happy simply because my theory has come true! The theory has been in progress for a while. However, there was never enough evidence to support. Now, I'm not talking about my famed "The People On Lost Are Actually Robots" theory but rather my theory that states "If a female agrees to and participates in one confined space of time known as a 'date' with David Rae, they will be engaged within the course of one calender year. This most recent girl is the third one! I don't even think that it's a theory anymore. I think it's scientifically the Law of Erodavenamics.

The reason that this law works this way is one of two way, maybe both. First, when the girl goes on the date with me, she is simply so astounded by my incredible hotness, intelligence, passion and general awesomeness, she realizes that she is not the one to corral such a mythical beast such as myself and that she needs to lower her standards to that of normal human males and thus finds a suitable one quite efficiently. Secondly, it could be that she goes on the date with me and knows exactly what she doesn't want in a guy.

Either way, I think that I'm going to start advertising that this law works. And the benefits will be multi-fold. Not only will I generate more dates for myself and maintain my high society playboy status that I currently hold, but girls will be marrying guys they love, like or tolerate. Perhaps I can earn money off of this. After all if the girl goes on the date, she will be married, but not necessarily to me. For instance, if some shy guy who doesn't know how to ask out a girl, pays me to go on a date with her, she gets imbued with the mystical marriage energy that I produce and she sees the shy guy in a new light and then it is over. Of course, that may make me a pimp. Or a prostitute. Kind of both I guess. I'm like the pimp-prostitute of marriage.

So if you know a girl who wants to get married, send them my way. They'll be engaged in a year and not necessarily to me (the new slogan for my "business").