Thursday, July 20, 2006

Top Ten TV Shows

Ok, this is it! This is Dave Rae's top ten TV shows as of right now. So you won't see any Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on here... or will you?...You won't. That show was actually quite bad. You just never realized it when you were small. That's why I believe that children are incapable of being funny. Look at the crap they watch.

Anyway. Here is my top ten TV shows:
10. CSI
9. Family Guy
8. South Park (I love the satire)
7. Six Feet Under (it just recently made the list and has great potential to keep moving up)
6. Daily Show (I get all my news from here, which is actually quite a sad state of affairs)
5. Mr. Show
4. Lost (I love the mystery stuff)
3. Colbert Report (I love the fact that he says the exact opposite of what he means...just like me and Stan
2. Arrested Development (People who do not like this show are like the broken glass at the bottom of the dumpster of life)
1. 24

Know what was the hardest part of that was the fact that comedy and drama were mixed together. I mean really, Arrested Development is the best comedy. It doesn't look right being in the #2 spot. Thank goodness I don't make top ten lists for a living.

By the way, if you disagree with me, leave a comment and I will find you and throw you through a plate glass window.

The Story of the "24" Day Revealed in "24: Revelation of the Day of 24 Exposed"

So I have received a request to tell about the 24 day that I put on for my good friend, Chris Klowak (who recently got married) as wedding present. I figured I would not be able to give a better gift than this. And because it was so much work, I figure it may be good to keep a record of it for memories? I guess. I don't know. I can just see myself being an old man and wishing to remember the good old days, but I can't remember. Actually I have that problem now.

Anyway, this is the plot line of the day. And if you don't know the 24 references, I'm not going to explain them.

The following takes place between 11pm on Thursday night and 11pm on Friday night.

After taking his Nadine home Chris arrives home to see a DVD on his table that says "Watch at exactly 2300". He does to watch a CTU agent, Chad Merchant (ME!) tracking down a bad guy connected to a mafia type group. Chad takes him down, interrogates him about a transaction that is going down in the city later that day. Apparently the mafia, who is located in Toronto is trying to sell a vial of the Cordella virus from the terrorist attack in Los Angeles three years ago. An American patriot group called Eagle Splendor is looking to buy it and is sending a person to come buy it and it is going down in Winnipeg. The informant is killed by a sniper before he could leak anymore. CTU then tries to start tracking the sniper and tries to dig up info on what was given to Chad. Chad in the meantime tries to track down the sniper. CTU debates over whether or not to activate Jack Bauer, with Chad being one of the most vocal opponents. Finally, Aaron Ibzin is shown in a limo headed for the airport in Los Angeles. He is talking to a shadowy figure that assures him that CTU will be taken care of. Ibzin is concerned with the fact that Jack Bauer is in the city.

A few minutes later, Chris receives a call from Chad who tells him that for next 24 hours, Chris Klowak is effectively non-existant. He is now Jack Bauer, because CTU is in need of another field agent. The real Jack Bauer is dead, but only Chad is actually aware of this, so, he has set up a fake id and is making Klowak step up. Tells him to get plenty of rest before the day starts.

6am: Jack is called to go to a residence which is a middle man in the transaction. Jack needs to break in and get a hold of a file located on the computer that is thought to hold the information for the transaction. It seems as though Chad has a dislocated shoulder and cannot do it himself and the terrorists and mafia alike are aware of what he looks like. So Jack sneaks in and by the middleman, gets to the file and sneaks out. The messae talks of the airport and a Phil Corseley. The two head to the airport. Chad calls CTU to get background on Corseley who turns out to be a driver for a driving company and CTU was able to track the current location of the his car which is at a Tim Horton's on Portage.

7am: Jack and Chad head to Horton's and locate the driver. Jack spills chocolate milk on him which causes Corseley to get upset and cause a scene. As Corseley goes to the washroom, Jack steals the keys to the car, gets in the car and drives to the airport and poses as the driver.

8am: Ibzin's plane lands after delays and is picked up by Jack and is driven out. Jack drugs Ibzin's coffee and when Ibzin is drugged, Jack takes him to CTU (Covenant Church who CTU has invoked privaleges of the government to have a temporary headquarters in the city). Jack takes Ibzin's suit and heads to Frisco's to pose as Ibzin and to be picked up by the middleman, Benson who will take Jack to the transaction.

9am: Jack poses as Ibzin and meets with Benson and is taken to La Barriere park for the transaction. Once there, the mafia members turn on Benson, and stab her as Jack hangs back while Chad warns him the something is off. Jack hides as the mafia members go to there car. Jack checks Benson's body and gets her keys along with a decryption code. Jack also takes her car and follows the gangsters through the city in a car chase scenario.

10am: The chase ends at St. Vital mall and the gangsters go in and wait. Jack is told to do surveillance of the meeting and takes pictures and overhears that the two are waiting for the big boss. They receive a phone call and the boss has moved the meeting. They leave a package on the table by accident. Jack takes it and heads for the car.

11am: Jack goes back to CTU and hands over Benson's car. Jack has deciphered the message from the package of the gangsters with the code found in the pocket of Benson. Chad then drives Jack in a SUV and takes him to the TD tower downtown where he was to meet someone. Chad receives a call from CTU that says that Ibzin's has escaped custody of CTU. Chad drops off Jack and Jack goes to meet the contact. The contact turns out to be Ibzin. Jack chases him on foot through the underground mall, the MTS centre, and Portage Place and into the parking lot. Jack goes to grab him before Ibzin gets into the car. Chad comes in with gun drawn and forces Ibzin to give him the information. Ibzin hands over a package from the glove box. Jack runs with the package as Chad takes Ibzin into custody.

12pm: Jack is deciphering the clues on his paper which involves looking around downtown a little bit and he receives a call from Lauren at CTU and tells him to meet her at 12:40pm at the Louis Riel statue at the legislative building. Jack barely finishes putting together the puzzle to meet her and she tells him that there must be a mole at CTU because Ibzin's escape was an inside job. As they have this conversation, one of the gangsters that killed Benson a couple of hours earlier shows up. Jack and Lauren try to escape but are cornered in an alley and Lauren is shot as Jack is taken captive, thrown in the trunk of the car and taken away.

1pm: Jack sends out a call to Chad and asks for help. Chad can't get there right away because Chad is currently checking out a farm on the outskirts of Winnipeg where the virus was supposedly earlier that day. Chad tells him that he will track him down as soon as possible. Jack is taken in undisclosed location and is tied up, blindfolded and handcuffed. He is interrogated and asked questions. During the torture, he has a leg waxed and has an orange force fed to him.

2pm: Torture continues and Jack attempts an escape while the gangsters leave the room. He is caught shortly there after. Finally, the gangsters have had enough and are about to shoot Jack when Chad breaks in and shoots the gangster and frees Jack. Jack and Chad search the apartment for Jack's belongings.

3pm: They find everything and then look at the message that Jack was working on earlier. It says:
St. Mary's and Vista
Jack pieces it together as there might be a bus at that time and place. Jack gets some change from 7-11 and waits. He gets on the bus and sits there. Suddenly a package is dumped on his lap and a girl gets off. He tries to follow her but she loses him. The package is coded and the encryption is jumbled compared to before. He works on the puzzle and the answer is confusing. After a talk with Chad, it seems to indicate a library. Jack realizes he wasn't supposed to get off the bus and waits for the next one.

4pm: Jack gets downtown to the Millenium Library about 30 minutes before closing time. He looks for Gideon's Fear which he finds out is a book. In the book is another note that tells him to go to the fourth floor and look for a bell and to meet Sargent William Lee. He doesn't see a bell inside but one on the church across the road. He goes over and looks around outside for Lee, but sees noone. He then goes into the church where one of the workers lead him into the sanctuary and he is allowed to look around. He still can't see anybody inside, but then notices a plaque with the name Sargent William Lee. On the pew below is a Bible with a note stuck in Judges (the book where Gideon's story is found) that tells him to go to the Osbourne Bridge.

5pm: Jack goes to the bridge and tells Chad about it. Chad meets him there and they look around and Jack finds an orange cannister which is supposed to contain the virus. They take it back to CTU and Chad tells Jack that they have found out where the head of Hannick family is going to be at 6pm which will be at Applebee's. In order to prevent Chris's fiance from becoming suspiscious, Jack agrees to take Nadine on a previously agreed upon date to the same Applebee's.

6pm: Jack picks up Nadine and goes to the restaurant, eats a meal and descends upon Hannick in the washroom and interrogates him about the events of the day. Hannick tells him that his organization is falling apart and that someone else is trying to take control. It turns out Hannick had nothing to do with the day. Jack goes back into the restaurant and finds that Nadine is gone as well as Hannick's associate. He looks outside to no avail.

7pm: Jack receives a call from Chad to continue to look and then meet him at CTU. Jack does so and as he arrives, a familiar voice calls Jack and tells him that she has Nadine and if he ever wants to see her again, he will get the virus out of CTU and bring it to her. Jack reluctantly agrees and goes inside CTU. He confronts Chad and is highly suspicious of Chad's involvement in the day. Chad says that they were able to track the location of the gangsters to Providence College, that they took over by force. He tells Jack that that is where Nadine most likely is and that they can sneak in to get her out. Jack asks questions of Chad to check his truthfulness, and although the answers were not freeing, they were not damning either. He goes along with the plan for now. They pack up and head out.

8pm: They head out to Providence where Chad confides to Jack that he lost his wife to this job years earlier and that this job is a bitch, etc, etc. They get out to the college and break in and start looking around. It's a large building with a lot of patrols but Jack is able to stay hidden.

9pm: Jack tries to search the patrolled building and after a lot of subterfuge, finds Nadine unconscious in the top floor. The two sneak out and meet up with Chad who unleashes the cannister of the virus as a cover for the escape which causes a great orange cloud to go up into the air. When they get back to the SUV, it turns out Chad is shot. Nadine agrees to stay with him until an ambulance arrives. Chad tells him that the mole is thought to be trying to escape the city and that the mole is leaving by helicopter which will pick the mole up on the roof of the U of M parking garage. Jack rushes off.

10pm: Jack goes back to the city and arrives at the top level of the parking garage at U of M and confronts the mole who turns out to be Lauren. She faked her death earlier that day and was the one that set up all the surveillance inside CTU's mainframes. She asks him to spare her and she will take him to the source of today's problems. She takes him to Dave's apartment where people who helped all day are waiting and the clock turns to 11pm.

That's Right, Somewhere Over That Rainbow, My Dreams Will Come True

I have to say that I really enjoy those songs out there that are positive and yet at the same time melancholic. Examples include "What a Wonderful World" by Louie Armstrong and "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". It's those kinds of songs where you could see someone putting it on to try to make themselves feel better, but instead just start weeping by the end.

Really, I think the whole reason I say this is because I think this might quite possibly be the funniest thing in life. Just that attempt by someone whose life has not turned out ideal and then some song just makes them lose it. And as you watch them and their visage crumble, there is this light melody that is supposed to comfort them. It can be touching. But depending on the person, it is hilarious. Like some guy has spent the last four years trying to get on some lame lacross team and he goes to the list and sees that he's cut and as he's driving home in his pimped out SUV that his parents paid for and his summer mix CD comes something like "Somewhere over the rainbow" comes on and as he sings along he catches a line and just loses it and says outloud to his CD player something like "that's right, somewhere over that rainbow, my dreams will come true" and will just be a wreck of a human despite being the douche who was proclaiming that he was going to "show y'all" and then for the rest of his life overcompensating by becoming a bigger douche than before, but whenever he hears the song again, he begins to tear up a little again. Of course, he'll realize it and then when there's a girl he wants to bang, he'll get her in his truck and then preface playing this song by saying it's his favourite and it means a bunch to him and then while they listen to it, he kind of fakes the tears or at the very least gets that face where it looks like he was supposed to cry, but really he just looks like his is all gnarled up. Oh, and looks like he is forcing himself to cry. Key component to this guy as he tries to trick this girl into thinking that he has a sentimental side, and then depending on how dumb she is, she may fall for it. But if she doesn't, he just tries again with the next one.


When like some would-be actor who had like one or two good performances in college and then thinks he's the next Jim Belushi and the king of the mountain, but is confused when he is still just some slack-jaw working the graveyard shift on Christmas Day and is nowhere near family and then "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" and finds himself singing the song to himself and then just crying softly next to the packs of cigarettes, realizing that his life is directionless and pathetic because it is ludicrous that he believes that he is unique and talented and will be the one who makes it compared the other million people who are currently in Hollywood who also believe that they are unique and talented and that they will make it., what am I doing...I think I'm going to listen to Joe Purdy's "Wash Away" and let my tears gently put me to sleep.

Monday, July 10, 2006

"Goodness" Will Spread Over the Land Through Merciless and Most Definitely Bloody War

It has been nearly three months since I last blogged (man, that sounds disgusting. It's almost sounds like I'm describing what it's like to simultaneously puke and diaraherra). And this is the most pressing thing at this time: Arrested Development must have birthed by angels themselves.

Now, I'm not sure if the theology is correct in that statement, but I would be willing to fight to the death over that statement. That's called "blind faith" or more accurately "factual truth". And when something is "factual truth" you want to make sure that you strong arm people into believing the same thing and that way "what is right" or "goodness" will spread over the land through merciless and most definitely bloody war.

That's why I'm declaring for the first time ever a crusade against the people at Fox and any that stand in our way, including those "peace lovers" that claim that "violence is an atrocious way to attain such a petty goal as to restore a TV show". Then all the crusaders will all stop and look at each other and kind of laugh because they were willing to kill people over a TV show. Which is ridiculous. Really ridiculous. But that's why we can't it "saving a TV show from cancellation" but rather "protecting the North American way of life" and then everyone will retain there bloodthirst and push forward with their crusade and if any dare question the legitimacy of the crusade, we will accuse them of "hating North America" and everyone will live in a sharp fear of trying to stop us from getting Arrested Development back on the air.

And in 500 years, when people will look back, they will see the clear necessity for the extreme measures taken to prove that we Arrested Development fans are rights. Especially the people who hate war. Or hate ignorance.

So, I've had of this of all this talky talk, let's get our swords! Who's with me!