For this past month, I have been more or less waiting. To be honest, it's been a challenging month, mentally speaking.
One of the advantages of working is that your mind is distracted. And even in the two days off work before the original surgery date, I was occupied with getting things together. Yes, that last night before the surgery, it caught up to me and I only got maybe 15 minutes of sleep, but I was relatively upbeat heading into it. I was heading into the surgery and I had all these dumb bits and a friend to joke with as I headed into the hospital.
One of the advantages of working is that your mind is distracted. And even in the two days off work before the original surgery date, I was occupied with getting things together. Yes, that last night before the surgery, it caught up to me and I only got maybe 15 minutes of sleep, but I was relatively upbeat heading into it. I was heading into the surgery and I had all these dumb bits and a friend to joke with as I headed into the hospital.
Then, the surgery is called off.
And I'm left back at home.
With my thoughts and nothing that I needed to work on.
I had time to think, reflect, and ruminate.
A lot of quiet.
I turned my attention to upcoming projects that I have in the new year. Which has been good to finally be able to give energy to things that I want to do. I reconnected with some people I haven't talked to in a long while.
In the information package, they talk about how there's often a spike of depression that can go through people when they go through major surgery and I can see why. Even though it hasn't happened yet for me, just having so much time and knowing the road of recovery ahead is enough to think a lot of existential thoughts. What am I doing with my life? What should I do with my life?
Darker thoughts, too. Some maybe a bit too much for this forum. I'll spare you those.
In the information package, they talk about how there's often a spike of depression that can go through people when they go through major surgery and I can see why. Even though it hasn't happened yet for me, just having so much time and knowing the road of recovery ahead is enough to think a lot of existential thoughts. What am I doing with my life? What should I do with my life?
Darker thoughts, too. Some maybe a bit too much for this forum. I'll spare you those.
The point is that I feel like all my emotions are cranked up. I went through a breakup of a relationship that I was invested and committed in recently that would have really hurt along with the necessary processing that would have taken energy, emotion, and pain even in normal circumstances. In the light of this circumstance, the question of "will I ever find my person?" strike deeper than ever.
I have been going to therapy for a while, and I know to counter the negative self-talk and I know that I am a loving, supportive man, who makes people laugh and is compassionate and kind. Yet, I still struggle to find ongoing intimacy and closeness. I've had to teach myself what does a loving relationship look like and how to express my needs, thoughts, and feelings to people I love, because I did not really have a great blueprint given to me in my household. It has been a lot of trial and error as I have had to earn that experience by messing up again and again.
I believe I have improved in that and I frankly I thought I had finally arrived. But I guess there's more to go.
I have been called resilient by many people. I know I am. I know I have gone through a lot and face setbacks and have had to put my head down and shoulder my way through it. I am fortunate that I have been able to push through those challenges relatively okay through support and my own grit and fortitude.
But I don't want to have to be resilient anymore.
I just want to be loved and have a person to do life with and have a place to fit in.
When I hear that I'm resilient, I am reminded how many kicks to the teeth I've taken over the years and how hard I've worked to still be strong, patient, kind, and earnestly be open to love. I would like to not need resiliency.
However, I will need it at least for another 3 months.
The other part of this existential thinking, I've been reminding myself of all the good things I've had the privilege to experience and all the things I'm proud of that I've done to try to bring more light to the world. I want to share some of them, just as a contrast and a way of recognizing that life has been good and can be good.
I believe I have improved in that and I frankly I thought I had finally arrived. But I guess there's more to go.
I have been called resilient by many people. I know I am. I know I have gone through a lot and face setbacks and have had to put my head down and shoulder my way through it. I am fortunate that I have been able to push through those challenges relatively okay through support and my own grit and fortitude.
But I don't want to have to be resilient anymore.
I just want to be loved and have a person to do life with and have a place to fit in.
When I hear that I'm resilient, I am reminded how many kicks to the teeth I've taken over the years and how hard I've worked to still be strong, patient, kind, and earnestly be open to love. I would like to not need resiliency.
However, I will need it at least for another 3 months.
The other part of this existential thinking, I've been reminding myself of all the good things I've had the privilege to experience and all the things I'm proud of that I've done to try to bring more light to the world. I want to share some of them, just as a contrast and a way of recognizing that life has been good and can be good.
- I've put together approximately 5 (plus one fake one to help my friend propose to their girlfriend) of my "24" days where I would put together a literal 24-hour adventure for one individual where they got to be an action hero (like Jack Bauer from "24") running around the city of Winnipeg or Edmonton, doing as many of the action hero tropes of car chases, foot chases, gun fights, surveillance and trailing, investigations, interrogations, surviving interrogations, impersonate, infiltrations, all to save the day from nefarious bad guys. I would put together dossiers for all of the actors (who were just my friends) for where they had to be, what they had to do, and what they had to say. I would have to figure out timelines and a story that made sense to link all of the activities. I would rent cars, airsoft complexes, and hotel rooms. One of them, I had rented an airplane and flew the guy from Steinbach to Brandon where he did a portion of the story there (he had never been to Brandon before and all he had to navigate was a hand drawn map he made copying it off the "dead" body of a suspect he encountered at a torn apart hotel room in Winnipeg at 3am earlier that morning). My goal was to make the person think "there's no way that..." as many times as I could in the day. Oh. And they didn't know they would be doing this. They were volunteered by one of their friends and we would go to lengths for the target to book off time to make sure they were available and then they were thrown headlong into a story where they get to be a hero for a day. One time, I was asked to do a "Nintendo" version of the day for someone's bachelor party and so I cooked up this story that the world of Nintendo was merging into the real world and for the guy to save the world, he would need to be Mario for the day and complete the save the princess quest to unmerge the worlds. So, we had go-karting with a full group of Nintendo characters competing, a foot chase through the Forks where the Hammer Bros were chasing Mario and Luigi, a battle on the bridge with Bowser, going through the sanctuary of a church that we made pitch dark inside and give him only a candle to find all 10 rupees to get an item he needed. These were all funded by my tax returns I got after I finished college. Each were ambitious performance art all for the sake of one person, to give them memories that they will always have.
- I performed 5-minute comedy monologues each week for several years at the Covenant church in Winnipeg doing a character named Stan Ostrowski (the 1987 provincial bowling champion and he drives 1974 Winnebago that he's still paying for) who I would describe as an ultra-libertarian who thinks he knows everything and gives the most atrocious advice that ran parallel yet contradictory to what the pastor was speaking on that week. Sometimes he would be joined by his brother Hank, a 6'8" cross-eyed hype man with an ape-like neutral stance. One time he read the story of Jesus kicking out the moneychangers from the temple, tossed the Bible back over his shoulder (to the shocked laughter of the audience), then proceeded to say that bankers should not be allowed in church. One time Hank bellowed point blank in the face of the classiest lady in the Covenant Church who was an anchor for GlobalTV. One time, he came in announcing that he was running for Prime Minister and his platform included changing the name of Ottawa to Staningrad as well as invade the United States in a mile-wide corridor, wall it, and take over Disney World. I cannot believe we were allowed to do any of this.
- When I worked at Covenant Bay Bible Camp, I would structure the games around a storyline that would play out across the week. One week it was the Avengers. One time it was a Game of Thrones inspired story where the different teams were "Houses" vying to take control of the kingdom. One of the highlights was when one of the girls' cabins ambushed me with water balloons, and to get revenge, the next night at the dance, I conspired and created my own version of the Red Wedding that I called the Aqua Wedding. During the dance, we had a draw to hand out prizes, and the two masterminds from that girl cabin thought they had won a prize from a draw. When they came up to accept their prize, they were ambushed by pails of water and then hit with flour. Meanwhile, throughout the dance floor, other "assassins" were assigned to all the other girls in that one cabin and were also hit by water balloons. It was chaos. And so much fun.
- For two years, I was the artist in residence at the Nelson Covenant Church, where every week I was given five minutes to do whatever kind of sketch, video, or puppet sketch that I wanted. I involved some of the youth in some of these projects. I also did a puppet sketch every week for the judo club that ran out of the church basement. One highlight, the pastor was going to be speaking about the different kinds of social spaces and how they interact at church and how sometimes people can inappropriately violate other people's privacy in what is essentially a public place, so I came into the church service to do an announcement and I was wear a house coat, underwear with hearts on it and that's all, then the associate pastor as a part of the bit, confronts me and points out that it's inappropriate. After the service, an older lady confronted me about how I shouldn't have done that. So she sort of got it. She then talked to Pastor Arden, and he went to bat for me and defended my artistic integrity. It was nice to be given as much creative freedom as I had there.
- I've been a part of the Debutantes for over a decade, making several Fringe shows that I am proud to be a part of and it included sketches of mine that I think are great. Some of them based out of real life hurt and situations that I then used to explore comedically. Some of my favorites include "The House is On Fire" that is about a couple who debate whether they should bother the fire department or do anything about the fact their house is burning down. "Surprise Funeral" where a woman surprises her fiance with his father's funeral because he loves surprises so much. "Flight School of Divination" where a student pilot finds out that in order to fly a plane, you have to give a sacrifice to the sky god "Bay-ya-thune" and that the laws of aerodynamics is just a story we tell kids to make them feel good.
- I got to make a horror-like Christmas comedy movie with the Debutantes where we explored the idea of how Christmas is not always a good time for people and throughout the writing, I was able to contribute my experience and problems I have with Christmas. It was a cool experience and it's nice to have this thing that is complete to share with people.
- I am proud of the podcast "Quantum Kickflip" that I have made with the Debutantes. It's another instance of a story that I am happy with how it turned out and to hear back from people from across the world about these silly fun stories with heart.
- The years of performing improv with Sorry Not Sorry. To be able to embody different, fun characters and communally tell improvised stories and make connections with the audience in unique ways. I remember when a little girl came to our yegDND show because she met my character Ziggy, a 6-year old frost giant, on the Fringe grounds and she was given a special token that she could use to help a character in the story and she wanted to specifically give it to Ziggy. It was fun to be able to make that special connection with kids. I loved being the villainous Dungeon Master that would antagonize the crowd. I had so much fun helping create the pro-wrestling inspired show, PIF, where I got to bring all that fun wrestling energy and knowledge to people, including the one show where we had a real-life pro wrestler guest on the show and I got to take a wrestling style punch and sell it. It was great.
I know I am more than just a guy with a bunch of fun projects I've done. I know I have had the beautiful experience many times over of connecting with people and enriching each other with wisdom and insight and encouragement. Those slivers of the kingdom of heaven that are at hand.
To conclude, this has been a hard month where I have wondered about my place in this world, but I am hopeful that I will find it again like I have many times before.
- I performed 5-minute comedy monologues each week for several years at the Covenant church in Winnipeg doing a character named Stan Ostrowski (the 1987 provincial bowling champion and he drives 1974 Winnebago that he's still paying for) who I would describe as an ultra-libertarian who thinks he knows everything and gives the most atrocious advice that ran parallel yet contradictory to what the pastor was speaking on that week. Sometimes he would be joined by his brother Hank, a 6'8" cross-eyed hype man with an ape-like neutral stance. One time he read the story of Jesus kicking out the moneychangers from the temple, tossed the Bible back over his shoulder (to the shocked laughter of the audience), then proceeded to say that bankers should not be allowed in church. One time Hank bellowed point blank in the face of the classiest lady in the Covenant Church who was an anchor for GlobalTV. One time, he came in announcing that he was running for Prime Minister and his platform included changing the name of Ottawa to Staningrad as well as invade the United States in a mile-wide corridor, wall it, and take over Disney World. I cannot believe we were allowed to do any of this.
- When I worked at Covenant Bay Bible Camp, I would structure the games around a storyline that would play out across the week. One week it was the Avengers. One time it was a Game of Thrones inspired story where the different teams were "Houses" vying to take control of the kingdom. One of the highlights was when one of the girls' cabins ambushed me with water balloons, and to get revenge, the next night at the dance, I conspired and created my own version of the Red Wedding that I called the Aqua Wedding. During the dance, we had a draw to hand out prizes, and the two masterminds from that girl cabin thought they had won a prize from a draw. When they came up to accept their prize, they were ambushed by pails of water and then hit with flour. Meanwhile, throughout the dance floor, other "assassins" were assigned to all the other girls in that one cabin and were also hit by water balloons. It was chaos. And so much fun.
- For two years, I was the artist in residence at the Nelson Covenant Church, where every week I was given five minutes to do whatever kind of sketch, video, or puppet sketch that I wanted. I involved some of the youth in some of these projects. I also did a puppet sketch every week for the judo club that ran out of the church basement. One highlight, the pastor was going to be speaking about the different kinds of social spaces and how they interact at church and how sometimes people can inappropriately violate other people's privacy in what is essentially a public place, so I came into the church service to do an announcement and I was wear a house coat, underwear with hearts on it and that's all, then the associate pastor as a part of the bit, confronts me and points out that it's inappropriate. After the service, an older lady confronted me about how I shouldn't have done that. So she sort of got it. She then talked to Pastor Arden, and he went to bat for me and defended my artistic integrity. It was nice to be given as much creative freedom as I had there.
- I've been a part of the Debutantes for over a decade, making several Fringe shows that I am proud to be a part of and it included sketches of mine that I think are great. Some of them based out of real life hurt and situations that I then used to explore comedically. Some of my favorites include "The House is On Fire" that is about a couple who debate whether they should bother the fire department or do anything about the fact their house is burning down. "Surprise Funeral" where a woman surprises her fiance with his father's funeral because he loves surprises so much. "Flight School of Divination" where a student pilot finds out that in order to fly a plane, you have to give a sacrifice to the sky god "Bay-ya-thune" and that the laws of aerodynamics is just a story we tell kids to make them feel good.
- I got to make a horror-like Christmas comedy movie with the Debutantes where we explored the idea of how Christmas is not always a good time for people and throughout the writing, I was able to contribute my experience and problems I have with Christmas. It was a cool experience and it's nice to have this thing that is complete to share with people.
- I am proud of the podcast "Quantum Kickflip" that I have made with the Debutantes. It's another instance of a story that I am happy with how it turned out and to hear back from people from across the world about these silly fun stories with heart.
- The years of performing improv with Sorry Not Sorry. To be able to embody different, fun characters and communally tell improvised stories and make connections with the audience in unique ways. I remember when a little girl came to our yegDND show because she met my character Ziggy, a 6-year old frost giant, on the Fringe grounds and she was given a special token that she could use to help a character in the story and she wanted to specifically give it to Ziggy. It was fun to be able to make that special connection with kids. I loved being the villainous Dungeon Master that would antagonize the crowd. I had so much fun helping create the pro-wrestling inspired show, PIF, where I got to bring all that fun wrestling energy and knowledge to people, including the one show where we had a real-life pro wrestler guest on the show and I got to take a wrestling style punch and sell it. It was great.
I know I am more than just a guy with a bunch of fun projects I've done. I know I have had the beautiful experience many times over of connecting with people and enriching each other with wisdom and insight and encouragement. Those slivers of the kingdom of heaven that are at hand.
To conclude, this has been a hard month where I have wondered about my place in this world, but I am hopeful that I will find it again like I have many times before.
