So I was at this party the other night where I was surrounded by the ladies, a good position to be in no doubt. And of course, I was sporting my sexy Jack Bauer haircut with a decent sweater and I was being my semi-friendly self. I think I was handling myself pretty, trying to maintain my carefully crafted illusion that I am guy that enjoys life and is witty and smart. And then this other girl comes in whom I met once or twice before and then everything gets thrown down the crapper. She recalls how I used to come into the bookstore she used to work in and I would come in and go to the same section, check something and then leave. Although my simple answer was that I was on my break at EB Games and that I had to make sure I got lunch at the food court, but I still wanted to check to see if they had a certain book in, she summarized the expedition as "creepy".
"Creepy", the one of three descriptors (the others being "stupid" and "gag reflex inducing" that I work so hard to avoid being ascribed to myself is used. And she would then use it a couple of other times in the night in relation to me. However, in my typical fashion of trying to defuse the situation would say something funny-like and it would actually "not help the situation".
I'm starting to find that more and more, I am edging towards (or perhaps finally realize that I am) becoming closer to those descriptors. Maybe I just creep people out after a while. Or even initially. And that I am just kidding myself that I have insightful things about life, but rather I am just spouting out sixth grade logic and have become what I have come to hate.
Tomorrow is the start of the new year. It's supposed to be a chance to turn things around. Promise yourself that you're going to change. And every year, I always think that maybe things could change and that when I find myself at what seems to be a lonely spot, that this new year will be different. But it's never different. Every New Year's it is the same. I have the same perspective. I have the same problems. I have the same loneliness. And it always comes down to me being insufficient.
It is in this state that I find myself wanting God to change me. Change the situation. Change anything. But I know that God wants to make things better. The change, however, has to start with me. Several New Years have shown me though that either I am unable to (or maybe God is unable, but that doesn't fly with me) make that happen. It's kind of a harsh cycle. Maybe this year it will be different.
You know, this whole thing is starting to feel a lot like "12 Monkeys"...