Sunday, December 31, 2006

"12 Monkeys"

So I was at this party the other night where I was surrounded by the ladies, a good position to be in no doubt. And of course, I was sporting my sexy Jack Bauer haircut with a decent sweater and I was being my semi-friendly self. I think I was handling myself pretty, trying to maintain my carefully crafted illusion that I am guy that enjoys life and is witty and smart. And then this other girl comes in whom I met once or twice before and then everything gets thrown down the crapper. She recalls how I used to come into the bookstore she used to work in and I would come in and go to the same section, check something and then leave. Although my simple answer was that I was on my break at EB Games and that I had to make sure I got lunch at the food court, but I still wanted to check to see if they had a certain book in, she summarized the expedition as "creepy".

"Creepy", the one of three descriptors (the others being "stupid" and "gag reflex inducing" that I work so hard to avoid being ascribed to myself is used. And she would then use it a couple of other times in the night in relation to me. However, in my typical fashion of trying to defuse the situation would say something funny-like and it would actually "not help the situation".

I'm starting to find that more and more, I am edging towards (or perhaps finally realize that I am) becoming closer to those descriptors. Maybe I just creep people out after a while. Or even initially. And that I am just kidding myself that I have insightful things about life, but rather I am just spouting out sixth grade logic and have become what I have come to hate.

Tomorrow is the start of the new year. It's supposed to be a chance to turn things around. Promise yourself that you're going to change. And every year, I always think that maybe things could change and that when I find myself at what seems to be a lonely spot, that this new year will be different. But it's never different. Every New Year's it is the same. I have the same perspective. I have the same problems. I have the same loneliness. And it always comes down to me being insufficient.

It is in this state that I find myself wanting God to change me. Change the situation. Change anything. But I know that God wants to make things better. The change, however, has to start with me. Several New Years have shown me though that either I am unable to (or maybe God is unable, but that doesn't fly with me) make that happen. It's kind of a harsh cycle. Maybe this year it will be different.

You know, this whole thing is starting to feel a lot like "12 Monkeys"...


/rach said...

Good to hear from you, Dave!!~~

Hopefully I can see you again soon (when my tonsils are no longer the size of eggs)!!

Hey, it's just another day. Don't be so hard on yourself! It sounds like she was overusing the word, “creepy” because of your reaction to it.

Ryan Quist said...

Hey dude. You probably won't believe me but I do know what it's like to feel misunderstood by other people. If it helps at all you're considered a legend here in Strathmore. Crazy, creative, intelligent sense of humor, artistic, insightful, loyal, honest - creepy doesn't really fit who I know you to be. What's so creepy about checking a book store everyday anyways? Why is that creepy? If she felt like she had to belittle you to be funny or find a topic of conversation than she probably has self esteem issues of her own. Ooh, it's so original to cut someone down. At least you don't take shots at people with your humor.

Good to see you blogging again friend.