You Kick Your Heroine Habit By Entering "Jig Therapy"

Here's another story to hold you over as I try to scramble to finish my script for my play. I was just reminded of it today. It happened back when I was in my first year at Prov when I was a simple newbie to the drama program. I was hungry for parts and acting and free cookies from the cafeteria. The college life of Prov was so engaging. I even created my own work of drink perfection in what I call "Chocolate Beer" in which I combined root beer with chocolate milk to concoct what I thought what was the equivalent of money in cup and later money in the digestive tract. Anyway, that has nothing to what I want to talk about which is of course, my first acting part on stage at Prov. Actually, I don't want to talk about that. Essentially, I did what actors do which must be common knowledge. You read the script, you read it again, you memorize the script, you memorize it again, you eat the script, you spit it back up, you tape it back together, you practice it, you block it, you "get into character", you do acting exercises like becoming a walnut, you listen to the ocean sounds of the prairie, you fast, you make a robot, you read the script once more, you take a quick cat nap, you pick out your costume, you burn down your neighbour's asherah pole, you read a Shakespeare play, you then read a play that makes sense, you read your script, you threaten to quit for a week, you make a crazy demand like wanting a trip to the moon, you do a jig, you call your director a jerk, you do another jig, you memorize the script one more time, you practice it with the other actors, you pick up a trendy heroine habit, you do another jig, you kick your heroine habit by entering "jig therapy", you get on stage and perform. That's all that acting is.

What I want to talk about is actually during the performance of the play. I was on the stage as Kenicki of Grease fame and I was about to destroy the phone booth from Bill and Ted's excellent adventure (I am not even vaguely making that up). It was a difficult role to do because I have never seen Grease or read it or listen to the music or performed a jig to it. However, I did better in that role than I did the off stage portrayal of Dr. Grant from Jurassic Park and my role as Elvis (both of which were also in the same play I should add. It's a complicated story). Anyway, I was supposed to destroy the phone booth and attempted to use a baseball bat, but it was not yielding the results that I desired, so I kicked it over and attempted to frog splash it. This worked because it was not a real phone booth, but rather a refrigerator box. It collapsed underneath my weight and flattened. Little did I think that the box when flattened would emit enough force to be able to kick out the frame that held up a black curtain. The frame and curtain then fell forward on top of me, whacking me on the back of the noggin and covering me like in a cartoon. People were taken aback and through their laughter I realized their concern for my well being. I then wrestled my way out from underneath the curtain and ad libbed "Take that!" It pretty much immortalized the play. That's true acting ability. Being able to make clumsiness look like you are "acting".

So what can you learn from this. Absolutely nothing. If you think there is some grand lesson to be learned in this event. You are looking too hard. Although, there is the acting lesson of knowing how much time to spend jigging and the answer is there is never too much time spent jigging.

What Reality Does is Steal the Laughter From Children

This is my 24th birthday today. How am I celebrating it? With food. A lot of food. My roommate, Aaron, just took me out for breakfast. Darwin's taking my out for lunch and I am holding a potluck at my house tonight. So much food.

I'm also learning how to cook. I mean it actually putting together meals that require a stove and do not come with the label Campbell's or Chef Boyardee. Last night I made my first recipe-directed meal, which was a Dill Pork Stir Fry. And I have to say that it was awesome. I fooled people into believing I have more skill than I do. That's what my acting career depends on.

People are always telling you to not put on masks and that is a bunch of phooey. Masks prevent people from knowing that you are disappointingly human. Instead you create an illusion. And who doesn't like magic tricks? Mennonites and Baptists. But they don't count and it hinders my point. Magic tricks are fun and entertaining. Sure, they are based on a thick coat of deception and lies, but that is what people want. They want to be fooled by a false persona. They don't want to know the real person, because a real person brings along such nuisances such as real life problems. And real life problems require real concern and who wants that? I mean why should I help you when I'm having enough trouble maintaining my illusionary mask? That mask takes a lot of time and effort to maintain. Maintaining a mask requires as much time and effort as it does to face reality. The difference is that a mask hides the hassle that is emotion and facing reality requires facing reality. Oh and there's no fun magic-like illusions in reality either. You see what reality does is steal the laughter from children and that's why we avoid it.

So I will continue to fool people into believing that I can cook and act and drive without a license until the point when someone gets poisoned or run over and then I will have to create another illusion and flee to Mexico. You solve discovered lies by creating new, more elaborate ones. It's worked for 24 years, maybe it will work for another 24. Although hopefully for longer than that. I want to be older than 48 so that I can complain about how you can't trust the youths these days.

Friendly Reminder of My Birthday

Even though I am still trying to focus on writing my script, I would like to remind people out there that my birthday is coming up on February 14. Thus is it important for you to get your gift out to me on Monday if there is to be any chance of me receiving it on time. Money is an acceptable gift, however, homemade cards are not acceptable unless they have money it. It's not the thought that counts, but how much the thought costs that counts.

To My Readers (Cult Followers)

I'm am writing this just to say that I know I have been putting off my blog because of more pressing matters (girls) that require my attention (flirting). Since that being the case (not being the case), I regrettably have to wait until I finish writing my play (rolling doobies), planning the 24 day (smoking said doobies), get something together for my birthday party (orgy). So, please bear with me (give me money) and keep checking back and I'll try to get back on track (out of rehab).

Sincerely (Laughing-at-your-mother),
Dave Rae (Jerkface)