The Delusion of Michael Scott

I was in a book store yesterday while I was on my trip out west. I was reading an article from a book about philosophy and the Office. The article was really interesting, talking about Michael Scott's delusion of being the popular, smart, funny, handsome guy despite evidence to the contrary. He ignores this evidence for the most part and lives in bliss. However, if ever confronted directly by the fact that he is not those things, he falls into a depression. He needs the delusion. While other philosophers and theologians say that it is important to discover and know oneself, it may actually hurt an individual such as Michael Scott.

I've been finding that I would like that delusion. Just keep pretending that I'm witty, fun, a heart-breaker, despite evidence to the contrary. Live in a blissful ignorance and not get wrapped up in my inadequacies. It would be be great. I wouldn't get caught up with things I can't seem to change anyway.

So far, I have been very good at maintaining the delusions for other people. People believe that I'm funny, smart, popular. The fact is that I'm just good at lying and bluffing. My humor is borrowed, my intelligence based on guesswork, and popularity assumed. But every once in a while a person finally realizes after they spend a decent amount of time with me that I am no more than an illusion I have created. And that is when I feel the worst. I know they see through the veil and that I am no more than a bumbling, crass fool. And you can't trick them again. They already know. Unfortunately, as of late, more and more people have seen through the illusion and I feel like crap.

My ongoing delusion of perceived connections to girls in my life is continually pulled back by the reality of the fact that they are just nice people who are nice to everyone. Nothing is better than starting to fall for a girl who you think you are connecting to and have the potential to date, only to find out that they have standards.

My continuing struggle to be original with sketches, comedy and talks is non-stop. I'm always on the brink of having nothing. And I still can barely perform them with the skill that they require. And of course, my grand failure at the stand-up competition. It's a little much sometimes.

Yet, people still ask me to do stuff. All because of the illusion I always promote. I keep pretending my stuff is good quality and advertise it as such and continue to fool people into accepting a lower quality of presentation. But even this illusion has started to fall apart and people will move on.

Hopefully I can maintain it long enough to actually produce something that is genuinely good. Something that I will be satisfied with. Something that I will be truly happy with and not something I pretend to be happy with.