Sunday, November 02, 2008

Bittersweet Me

Busyness is starting to set in again. My mind goes through this cycle of having brilliant flashes of ideas and events that I should do because it would be awesome. I agree to do speaking and acting engagements at the drop of a hat. That last one's not true. The people have to offer me free food and then I'm in. But I realize that I have once again potentially overloaded myself. Aside from having a full-time job, I am in the process of producing a new "24"-day extravaganza (which I am hyperexcited about), creating a special Saturday night service for my church, writing a new episode of Mr. Chapel, and I have agreed to speak at a camp next summer and if a new May long weekend event happens in the Covenant, there is a good chance I will be asked to help and because of the Covenant usually offers free food, I would most likely agree to it.

Really, it can cause me a lot of stress which is completely my fault because I am the one that agreed to it. It's not like any of it's an obligation per se. I just want to do it. I don't want to disappoint anyone and besides it's a great creative outlet.

But I was thinking about these creative flashes I get. When I have a lull, it's usually after I have just come off a marathon events that were booked back to back to back and I am simply recovering. And then I go through this stage of trying to get back and living life. Keeping up friendships and trying to become pseudo-mature by attempting to pursue my Renaissance Man ideal. And then I just find myself falling into the same trap of looking around and realizing that I don't like being around people. As I get older, I am getting more uncomfortable around people. I either don't know how to hold a normal conversation or I rather not talk to anyone about the same inane topics or I rather just shut myself off from the world. I feel like a stranger in a strange land with no money to leave. But then my creativity then kicks in and seems to be inspired with a whole bunch of events and activities to plan for. Suddenly, I don't have to worry about all that stuff. It gets shoved to the fringe of my life where I only have moments of reflection. It's kind of funny though, because all these things that I plan revolve around other people. Either entertaining them or encouraging them or teaching them. I love performing for them as long as I don't have to worry about figuring out how to draw close to them. It's just easier at arm's length.

Don't get me wrong, I love having friends and spending time with them. It's just even with friends, I have a wall that I don't let down very often. I have isolated myself from them and it kills me some times. I guess the question becomes what is more painful? The grinding isolation of my self-created cage or enduring open vulnerability and the confrontation with my disconnect with others? I'm too damned emo.

"I'd sooner chew my leg off,
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me
I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore"
- "Bittersweet Me" from R.E.M.'s New Adventures in Hi-Fi

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