Ba-leted!

For those who don't know I was referencing Strong Bad from Homestarrunner.com. It sort of fits because I have just finished deleting my email account from the same era of my life that I used to consistently visit that site.

You see, my rationalized reasoning for keeping the account was twofold. One was in case I needed to put down an email address so that way I could get some free bonus from a store, I would use the old email address instead of my current Gmail account. The second was that the account had some emails on there that I kept for memory's sake.

Unfortunately, the email has been compromised and I had to shut it down. Technically, I am pretty sure it has been for a while, but I didn't really want to delete it. I didn't want to lose all those emails. It is sort of like that hoarder mentality. I don't know why I would need to use those emails again, but I figured I should hold onto them. So I kept the account.

However, my friend Aaron noted that he had received a spam email from the old account and suggested I delete it. So I went searching for the elusive deletion button and eventually found it. As my arrow hung dramatically over the "delete forever and ever" button, I stopped and pulled up some of the emails that I had saved for the past ten years.

I had a folder for a series of emails I had exchanged with my friend, Erik, that I did in regards to a CBC class called "Communicating Faith". The emails emulated the book called "Letters from a Skeptic"where I essentially got Erik to tell me his reasons for not believing in God and then I would try to offer my perspective using my new found Bible school knowledge. I didn't convert him. I didn't really expect to, even though I remember it always being a hope of mine.

I had emails from a girl from high school with whom I tried to, how do I say, rescue? She was a troubled girl and was desperately looking for acceptance. I remember trying to be there for her, but ultimately she pulled away. I don't know where she is or how she is doing. I still remember the last time I talked to her in person, it was a year after high school and I met her randomly in the Brandon mall. My heart broke as I wished I could help her out. I tried to convince her to stay in contact, but I never did... Every damn time I think of her, I get sick with a deep sorrow. I wish so badly to find her or at the very bloody least, know that she is ok. That she found her peace. Damn.

I had a folder dedicated to the many emails from other CBCers with whom we tried to keep in contact with for a little while. Eventually, all of them I let slip away over time. I remember one of the last lessons taught there was that everyone has two kinds of friends. There are the friends that you have for life and ones you have for a portion. Both are needed and can impact us, but the reality is, not everybody can be friends with everyone they meet for all time. It gives us a certain appreciation for people while we have them and to try and make the most of our relationships. It wasn't until Facebook came along that I connected back to many of them, but most in that very surface Facebook way. However, I am fine with that. I get glimpses into their lives and that's fine for me.

I had an email from one of the girl counsellors from my time on the CBC Team (which I would join it's later incarnation called the "Camp Ministry Team") with whom I made a connection. It was this innocent kind of thing. I remember holding hands with her on one of the last nights that I was there. We connected pretty well, but we never seriously pursued anything because of the age-old problem of distance (especially since I had been severely hurt by a previous long distance relationship). However, once I went to Providence and started dating another girl, I thought I had to tell my summer crush that I should maybe keep my distance. I remember I was trying to be honorable in my relationship to my girlfriend (which wound up breaking up after a month). It was funny (now in a kind of melancholy way) that I went ahead and did that and my girlfriend was like "you didn't need to do that". I unnecessarily burned that bridge. Once in a while, I think about that time. That girl was one of the few that actually showed interest in me that I had interest in back. How stupid was I.

And of course, there was the folder of emails from the girl with whom I had that long distance relationship that has forever scared me away from the idea. The girl from South Dakota. Man, was I earnest in those days. I wanted to talk to her all the time. Buying calling cards. Going to her prom. Eventually, she stopped taking my calls and rarely returning emails and to me it seemed for no reason that I could think. It just came to an end one day. I think what killed me for the longest time was that there was no explanation and so I put it on myself. It had to have been me. That I creeped her out or I had said something wrong or that she just realized that I was unsuitable. It significantly impacted how I treated future relationships and how I viewed myself. In fact, I don't know if I've even fully shaken it. I should say that she has since found me on Facebook and I was finally given the closure I needed.

As you can see, not really too much happy stuff in there. But I didn't want to forget it. I didn't want to lose it for what ever reason even though it was essentially pain that it stored. Perhaps suitably, it was infected with a virus that and made the account something that needed to be dealt with and ousted. I suppose the real reason that I never could just rid myself of it was because it was a record of my relationships that had formed me. And I guess the other reason was I always wanted to keep that email open in case Noemi would send me a message and I could finally rescue her.

It's closed now and I hope that I can remember the lessons from the past and move forward.

And I pray for God look over Noemi, because I don't know if anyone else is.

"Take leave the conscious mind
Found myself to be so inclined
Why sleep in discontent?
Oh, the price of companionship
My shadow runs with me underneath the big wide sun
My shadow comes with me as we leave it all far behind"
- "Far Behind" by Eddie Vedder from the Into the Wild soundtrack