Single People are People, Too!

At the church, we are continuing the series on "This Changes Everything" in reference to how Jesus' resurrection changes various aspects of life. For instance, my sermon from a few weeks ago was about how the resurrection changed religion. This week, we are talking about marriage. I haven't done any videos for the last while and so I've been thinking about what I can do this week. I have an idea that I am sorting out to give a perspective on the whole thing.

A few weeks ago when I went to Vancouver, I was talking with some friends that I was friends with from Manitoba. We were talking about how marriage is such a major focus of Christians. My one friend lamented how the pressure is so great to get married so young that people frequently wind up stifling their development as a person and then think that the whole purpose of everything is create more kids. It sometimes leads them to marry right away and choose a person before they have matured enough to make such a serious commitment. It can lead them to broken marriages and then even splitting leaving them on there own the very first time and they suddenly realize that they have spent no time developing themselves as an individuals and they are lost.

My friend pointed out how strange and even offensive it is for us to even ask a married couple, "So, when are you having kids?" Personally, I don't have that hang up on the question, because it usually comes out of a place of the typical order of things when you are married and I think it's a natural question to ask, but I also see her point. Especially when it comes from someone who spends no time getting to know you otherwise. If the first question out of my mouth when I see someone I haven't seen for a long time is "So, now that you're married, when will we hear the pitter-patter of little feet?" that reinforces the idea that having children is the only way we become complete people.

This is what is screwed up in the perspective of marriage and in particular the Christian culture surrounding marriage. I fear that people are desperately hunting for someone who will be willing to marry them as though it will solve their problems. Or that it will validate them as a complete human. Or that you will miss on a critical and necessary aspect of life if you don't get married. Then, it extends into having children. That the best people in the world are mothers and fathers. Who cares if you discover the cure for cancer or lead a humanitarian organization or help poor people on a day to day basis? Being a parent trumps all of that. In particular a good Christian parent that makes sure their kid becomes a Christian as soon as they are able to form sentences.

As Christians, I hope we are careful with how we view being single. It seems like the only way for a Christian to be single and considered as valued as a rank and file pew member is be a monk or a nun or dying of typhoid fever in some far off country preaching the name of Jesus. Single people seemed to be viewed as misguided or lost or lacking something that will make them a complete person. It makes the role of single one of inferiority. I frequently see young adults (and I was in this group, too) scrambling to find a mate because they can finally take on their ultimate role as parent. There is no role better than parent according to Christian culture.

It sometimes comes across as single people have no insight into marriage or children. They are less than or not as advanced as the ones who do. It's seen when you hear from the new dad and they give you the new dad speech where it turns out that having a child changes everything. WHAT? You're telling me being responsible for this new life has somehow made your life different? I just assumed everything would be the same. But with a baby. I wouldn't know because I don't have kids, how could I ever figure out? I'm too dumb. You really got to have kids to understand that it's a big deal.

Don't get me wrong, of course there's some stuff I have never experienced and thus will never "truly" know, but that does not make me a lesser person.

Now, here's the thing. One's mother or father or spouse should be striving to be the best parent or spouse they can be. Leading you and guiding to be the best person you can be in the case of a parent and being a person that supports you and you support them so that way you have an ally in this tough life. A good parent is critical on an individual level. Spouses can be a great person to have along for what life has for us. Parents help shape our perspectives and we want to raise up good citizens. However, the role of parent or spouse itself is not the ultimate role one can have.

The premise that the best thing a person can be is to be married or to have kids is where things begin to break down because these things cannot live up to the expectations.

I believe that the ultimate role people can take on is one that everyone can choose to take on.

What is our ultimate role? To be a part of the ongoing process of putting things back to the way they should. Whatever that looks like. This premise does not require you to be married or single, woman or man, a doctor or a lawyer, to be from North America, or to be a certain ethnicity. This ultimate role is one that can and has spanned all time to all places, it's just are we going to embrace it? It is simple to understand. It is difficult to live. It is admirable to be.

I would call this role "Christ" or less controversially "Christ-like". Although making the goal "Christ-like" seems like we don't have to try as hard. Look, I get it, no one can be Christ but Jesus. Fine. But when kids say they want to be "Batman" they don't mean "Batman-like". Sure, they will never attain "Batmanhood" but at the very least, you will have a dark, brooding ankle-biter of justice. I'm off-track on this idea already adjunct to the main point of this blog.

The ultimate role of Christ is one that can be taken up in all circumstances and looks different for each person. Of course, we aren't in 1st century Israel, born to a Jewish family, working as a carpenter. That was Jesus. But the Christ role does not dictate those aspects. You follow?

If we should look into incorporating the Christ role into our lives as hard as we pursue the parent and spouse role, then you would see amazing things.

I think a good question for us to have is "What does the Christ role look like in my circumstances?" What would Christ look like as in 21st century British Columbia, born to a white family in Manitoba, working as an intern? What would Christ look like as a parent? Or a spouse? Or a single person.

Another way of saying it is that you strive to be the heroic version of yourself.

The goal of the single person is not to get married. The goal of the married person is not to have children. The goal of the parent is not to make sure your children get married and have kids. The goal of all people should be a redemptive force wherever and however we are.

This all said, I think marriage is still a wonderful thing. To dedicate yourself to another person and be lifelong allies committing to mutually help each other become their better selves is a great thing. It is however not the best way to live. Nor is being single the best way to live. Those roles are circumstantial. Being the best version of yourself is your ultimate role.

"I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can beat them
Just for one day
We can be heroes
Just for one day"
- Title track from the David Bowie album "Heroes"