You can't help liking who you like. This is a phrase that I use over and over when I talk with people about who they like. Whether it's that person who would be the perfect match for you or the one who would bring a world of trouble to your life, sometimes you can't help liking who you like. Maybe it's the way they look or the way they hold themselves or the connection you've made with them. Who knows? Attraction is fickle and so are we. That's okay. It's apart of our nature.
Sometimes, we find ourselves attracted to people who are just not meant for us. Whether they are married to someone else or we are a great distance from them or you just know in your gut that it would not work, we still are drawn to them. We think that if things were different maybe you would be together and it would be wonderful and perhaps you would be right. However, that is not the reality. You cannot or perhaps should not be with them for whatever reason and yet you like them.
Some would say that those feelings are wrong or even a sin to have. I don't believe so. You can't help liking who you like. It's okay to be attracted to or admire someone. I think we do ourselves a disservice by not admitting to ourselves that we are attracted and try to pretend that it isn't true.
However, I think the problem comes in when we are attracted to someone and we move forward with it when we should not. Just because you are attracted to someone (which is okay), it does not mean you are in full rights to a romantic relationship to that person.
If you should not be pursuing a relationship that is out of bounds for you, then you shouldn't. The classic example of King David sending a man to his death on the front lines so that he may take the dead man's wife is this overreaching of attraction. We have thousands of examples from people we know or history or the arts or the tabloids to show how devastating it is and how selfish it is.
I know you may be thinking that everything I have said is obvious and does not need saying. I would hope so but that is sometimes not the case. What I want to warn against is something just beyond this idea.
After we find ourselves unable to be with the one that in our heart of hearts we wish we could be with, we will settle for the second one on the list. We'll date the person for a long time and even choose to marry them, but they still are not truly the one they would choose if they could choose anyone. Perhaps at the alter, they wished it was their ex who was exchanging vows with them, or someone else's spouse, or perhaps an imagined person who no living person could be like. This is where the trouble starts.
I would advise that if the person you are dating or are considering dating is not the number one person your heart is drawn to, you should not be dating. If you are dating and your heart is still attached to another, that is not fair to the person who believes you are with them.
Know who holds the number one place in your heart. Don't pursue any one who is not because it is not fair to them. Don't pursue any one who is not for you, but instead learn how to let go of that person.
I don't say this is easy. I find it extraordinarily difficult even right now. It hurts. I can't help liking who I like. I hope I find the ability to let go so I can move on.
"Loving you isn't the right thing to do
How can I ever change things that I feel?
If I could, maybe I'd give you my world
How can I, when you won't take it from me?
You can go your own way, go your own way"
- "Go Your Own Way" from the Fleetwood Mac album "Rumours"
4 comments:
Letting go is not easy, at least not for part of us. But there is another, deeper part of who we are that was/is never attached to any particular person in the first place. Discovering that is a game-changer.
I think when we start to become more rooted in this deeper dimension of our being then we become more able to make better choices in our relationships - and life in general - regardless of what our emotions might be saying at any given moment.
The hardest work, I would say, is learning to let go of being totally identified with this part of ourselves that is so fickle and clingy, finding that we're much more than just our feelings.
If we're wanting to find someone to replace our 'special someone', whom we still have feelings for then I agree that it's likely harmful all around. But I would also offer that we can learn to relate to our feelings in such a way that we can choose to be with someone deeply and fully and still possibly feel more desire for someone else at times.
Because maybe we can't necessarily make ourselves stop feeling what we feel...but we CAN choose how we act, like you've said, and we can also choose to relate differently to that part of the self that's feeling whatever it's feeling.
Your blogs always encourage me to think more. Thanks! And it reminds me I would do well to share more of my own thoughts on my own blog, haha:)
Thoughts?
I think I agree with you up until a point. It is true that we have a core to ourselves that is attached to no one and that ultimately we move towards that.
Where I would perhaps disagree is in our perspectives on that deeper sense of self. From thinking back to our previous conversations, it seems to me that the deeper self is all that matters and that we need to elevate ourselves to a level of spiritual consciousness that is always thinking about spiritual things. Although, I appreciate the personal journey of discovering yourself, I feel like there is still attachment to this world. To have a full human experience, you still need to navigate the mundane life and not grudgingly or having your head elsewhere, but rather vitally present. Living life well. Pursuing earthly goals whatever they may be for an individual. Experiencing success and defeat, love, pain and contentment.
I don't think that the deeper, hidden self is somehow separate from our mundane selves. Rather, I think it is through our mundane lives, the decisions we make, the relationships we build, the character that we have that is a part of the discovery of ourselves.
How I think this looks in the context of romantic relationships is that we are drawn to others and perhaps there is one that we agree to walk this journey alongside. To make such a relationship work, you need to attach into your partner. We need to cling. However, the challenge is knowing when we should not cling anymore. Whether it is a physical distance, emotional distance, or the distance of death, we need to be able to move through the process of letting go. And if we have not let go of our previous love from the position first in our heart, we should not pursue another.
Once again, you're right. There is a deeper part of us attached to no one, but I also believe for us to find that deeper part, it's okay to be attached to others, but it is a potentially disastrous thing to bring in a third and that's when you have to use your head.
By the way, I hope I didn't paint your perspective in an errant light. It's just that I interpret your point of view as one that focuses on the spiritual world as being supreme. I could be wrong because you, in a lot of regards, are smarter than me.
I agree with you, once again!
I also recognize that my perspective can seem to elevate spirituality over everything else. That's because I DO see Spirit as being primary and absolute, all else being relative.
BUT!!!!
Everything is spiritual.
That's the beauty of it all. The sacred is inseparable from the mundane.
Having said that, I believe we only truly discover the deepest part of our selves when we are willing to embrace a radically different relationship to life, one without ANY attachment. But what does that actually mean? How do we do that??? Ah, the topic of another conversation, or at least further on:)
What I want to affirm is that the reason for making the effort to discover and become rooted in this deepest part of our selves is so that we can engage 'mundane' life from a place of freedom, so that we can be a liberated expression of God in this world through the choices we make and the actions that we take.
There's no difference between the 'spiritual' world and the 'mundane' world. What's different is the perspective and position we take in relationship to life. That's what, in my opinion, makes all the difference.
You're absolutely right in wanting to live a full human experience. As long as we're alive we're living life and what we do matters. But what we do and the choices we make emerge from the position we're taking in relationship to our experience of life.
For example, if we think we're just animals, it makes sense to live from our primitive impulses. But if we find a deeper part of ourselves that is ultimately and absolutely free and only interested in that which is good, true, and beautiful, well, that's going to lead to a much more positive human experience.
Clearly, I've ignored the whole 'romantic relationship' part of things here, haha.
Thanks for sharing your response and I hope I offered some clarity on my perspective and a clear affirmation of much of what you're saying:)
Great thoughts...
I also want to say I learn a lot from you.
There's a lot I don't even know about the things I'm trying to express - let alone how to actually engage with them in a significant way - so there's always so much more to learn, and often much is revealed through these kinds of discussions.
I appreciate your willingness to share and respond and question and affirm and dig deeply into this stuff with myself and with others.
Thanks:)
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