So, This is What Happened

I will admit that I tried to resist. Really, I did.

I have said in the past that I would never do the long distance thing. It is irrational to attempt to conduct a relationship when you are so far apart let alone a really hard experience where I was burned on it before. It is hard to delve into a relationship when I can't see their expression.

I had begun to adjust of living the single life to the full. Doing my thing in Nelson, doing the Summer Ministry Team, looking at other places to move. My temperament and skill set works well as one that moves around.

I've realized that a girl who wants to be with me has to be one who can do without a lot of things that our culture says is important.

I've realized that although I may be admired by some, that it is a different story when it comes to joining with me in a relationship.

I'm aware that my faith is not as orthodox as some would like it to be and I didn't want it to be a shock and somehow upset everything.

I could tell that she liked me. I can't really explain how. She smiled a little too much, eyes twinkled a little. It was either she liked me or was planning to con me of my inheritance. But I figured it was a little crush and I wasn't about to get distracted from what I was at the camp to do and that is to be with the kids and work on projects. At the time, I liked her too, but it was one of those scenarios where maybe if things were different it would work.

On some days off, I spent time with her and I knew she was a great girl, but I looked at the situation and my past and I really didn't consider the relationship to be viable.

She invited me to her parent's place for a few days after camp and at the back of my mind, I was unsure of what to do. She was falling for me and I believed it to be a lost cause and I was going to be the villain when I would break her heart. I tried to warn her and let her know the summer was not going to end the way she wished it to end.

I agreed to go nonetheless, because I liked spending time with her. She was sincere and I didn't have the heart to be cruel despite in the end I knew I would be far more cruel in leading her on.

On one of the last nights of camp, when the kids had gone to bed, she and I talked about the weekend. We were talking about what our relationship would look like after camp. I was saying that it was not going to work. Not right now. I'm going back to Nelson and she's off to school in Edmonton and neither of us should change our plans because of this. I said, if it were a different time and place and perhaps in the future it would work to pursue something.

What happened next is what changed it for me.

She told me that not trying would not cut it for her. She opened up and I saw that it was more than some crush. She not only liked me, but liked me enough to push against me. I had told her for a while that it would not work and that at the end of the summer I wasn't going to pursue anything. Despite the odds of me not going along with it, she thought I was worth it enough to defy my pessimism. If you knew her, you'd realize that she is normally a passive and quiet girl. One who accommodates for others. I did not expect her to say anything like what she said because it was out of character for her and because no girl has stood up and told me how she felt about me.

Suddenly, I saw her different. Not only has this girl encouraged me and supported me, but she actually felt passionately for me.

I tried to resist. Really, I did.

However, now the long distance thing was an annoyance, but then I remembered they have Skype, planes, trains and automobiles.

Now, my wanderlust is not a detriment to a relationship, but perhaps I can wander near her next.

Now, maybe this girl cares more about the guy I am than the things I have.

Now, maybe this girl actually admires me and believes in me.

Now, maybe our faiths can grow together.

I some times assume my story is supposed to be one where things don't go my way. That it's my lot in life.

Every once in a while, it's nice to be wrong.

"Hey, you've got to hide your love away

Hey, you've got to hide your love away

How can I even try

I can never win

Hearing them, seeing them

In the state I'm in

How could she say to me

'Love will find a way'

Gather 'round all you clowns

Let me hear you say,

'Hey, you've got to hide your love away

Hey, you've got to hide your love away.'"

- "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" from the Beatles' album "Help!"

I Guess That's Why They Call Me the Working Man

[Note from David: It was brought to my attention that this post was miscommunicated to people who read it. While I was trying to communicate my difficulty in knowing how to get people to help, it could have been read that others were incapable of helping me which is a mistake on my part and not my intention. I have edited it to try and communicate better what I intended. I apologize to those who believed that I thought less of them.]

We have now finished our first full week at Covenant Bay and it has been a busy week. It was probably too much. One of the nights involved me staying up until 5am editing videos that would be shown the next day because I was not able to find enough time to do it before. I should point out that I did have a hand in making myself busier than I could handle. I suggested that we play a couple of games that I have designed such as my semi-infamous "Monster" game and my elaborate game of the summer called "The Legend of Zelda". (Side note: If you are a fan of the Zelda, know that it was awesome and if you know "Ocarina of Time", you would have appreciated it. And our Princess Zelda was played by Hanne Johnson who looks exactly like her. Except for the whole "she's a real person" thing.) Because we played those games and I worked to expand the Zelda game because we had more staff that we could incorporate, it added to a week of planning and filming four videos and helping with worship leading. Yes, you read that right. I was involved with the worship leading despite my lack of musical ability. I was kind of an advisor and was supposed to help plan the sessions.

However, I really didn't know how to approach it and it left me not able to do the thing I really love which is coming up with sketches to perform. Really, the role I am gifted at. I tried to do the best I could with it, but in regards to planning a whole session, it's hard. It takes a lot of time and a lot of meeting with people and it involves leaving the things I am best at.

I was barely keeping ahead of what was coming next and even then, my suggested order for the sessions were essentially abandoned making most of my effort a vain pursuit. However, that is a side point. Really, I could have handled it if I did not have all the other stuff that I am passionate about and excel at also on my plate. I love constructing elaborate fun games that kids get excited about. I love making sketches. I love making movies. I do all of those very well.

The problem is that I make all of those things complex and it is in my brain and I don't how to simply and concisely convey my ideas. In the end, I have these games that are fun and different but since they are more intricate, it's hard to boil everything down to have them better understood. I want to perform sketches, but I only like my own because it's what I'm comfortable with. I am the one who knows editing and I want quality so I will pile hours into making the best video I can. It's either that I don't want someone else doing the work because I am afraid that someone might ruin it and I have a terrible sense of pride. Even if I did let someone help, I would feel the need to essentially hold the hand of someone because I am afraid that I would forget a detail in the initial explanation.

This leaves me in a predicament. I love doing these big projects, but I have a hard time knowing how to get people to help me. What winds up happening is that I am the one who must do it if it is to be done well enough. I feel really bad, because I don't know how to incorporate the girls from the Summer Ministry Team into my projects because their passions lie in the people side of ministry. They want to help. They see that I am clearly overworking myself to do way more than what one can do, but I am unsure of how to fix it.

At the end of this week, I was brought around to the realization that what I missed most was the human connection and really that is what I've been wanting. Something of substance. It goes from the campers that I didn't hang out with a whole lot this week, to the girls on the team that I've had a hard time finding the opportunities to grow close to, to the wider scenario of people in general because of the skills I possess and the roles I take on. I don't know how to get the help I would like because I know noone who operates on the same level.

The thing is, I don't think the help I'm really needing or wanting is one of helping me do these big projects. I don't mind doing that kind of work or even using the amount of time that I do to craft them. In the end, I want someone who recognizes the work I do and gives me an even-handed critique. I am looking for someone to look out for me and make sure that I'm alright because I don't do that well. The challenge is how do I find a person or people like that when I isolate myself behind the projects I am involved with? How do I not alienate myself from others with how much I push myself in these projects?

"I get up at seven, yeah,
And I go to work at nine.
I got no time for living, yes,
I'm working all the time.
It seems to me I could live my life a lot better than I think I am.
I guess that's why they call me,
They call me the working man.
They call me the working man,
I guess that's what I am."
- "Working Man" from Rush's self-titled album