My Poor Brain

I've been reading Os Guinness' book named "The Call" which delves into what God's call on our lives may be. This is not the general call to being good, moral people in right relationship with Him, but rather the specific call of our talents and skills. It draws examples from all over human history to reflect on all the various aspects of God's call. It has got me thinking about what where I am heading in life.

This has been a very appropriate book as the idea of where I am going is something I've been thinking about recently. Last year, I did not consider much of the future as I saw what I was doing in Nelson as something that I was doing. I was very present with my task. My wandering was my place in life and I liked it and was comfortable with it. It was simple. After my time in Nelson was done, whenever that would be, then I would move to a new place and do something different.

I was getting used to the single life and was especially looking forward to really embracing it and finding adventure. I still kept the dating aspect an option, but even there I was realizing that perhaps it would be best to live life with embracing the One Thing. I was considering the next place I go to would be a larger city centre and actually try to move towards pursuing a comedy career. Even if it was a side thing and I would support it through another job, I would try to hone my skill and try to get into the field.

Then Kyla came along.

Now, I am thinking more of the future and what should my plan be. That was not a big deal with me last year and it even seemed like other people were more interested in what my plan would be than I was.

I have been thinking of how big of a challenge it would be to bring Kyla into this life. I've been thinking about being responsible and what does that look like? I should point out that she is not wanting me to abandon comedy but rather it is me.

In the last little while, I've been listening to Pete Holmes' podcast called "You Made It Weird". He is a stand-up comedian who I've found to be very funny and have been following the last while. In his podcast he brings on other comedians and they talk about stand-up comedy and how they approach it. It's been fascinating to take a peak behind the curtain and hear these guys talk about it. I've also been surprised by Pete's questions. Each of his conversations has involved a discussion of God.

Aside from that, you also find out that he was married at the age of 22 and was divorced by 28. He references the religious Christian upbringing that got him to marry so young. He looks back on the time as being a child. What was interesting was the divorce itself. As he describes it, it was not because they were not spending time together. She would be home by four, they'd be together until he went to the comedy club at 9, do his set and be done an hour later. They spent much time together.

When it turns out that she cheated on him, she told him it was like he was already in love with comedy. It consumed his life. It's what drove him. It was his calling and it became a barrier in the marriage. Obviously it is much more complicated than that. However, it did make me wonder about what do I want to have as my priorities.

I know I've been very distracted as of late and it feels like I'm in a bit of a fog. I've been sick recently, so perhaps that has an impact on it. However, I feel stuck as I'm trying to write scripts. I'm thinking about money. I've been thinking about obligations. I've been thinking about things that were not concerns a year ago, but they are now because I have another person in my consideration.

Do I have the ability to pursue comedy well? Is it my call? Do I have the discipline? Will I be able to balance it with a relationship and not neglect either? These are the questions that weigh heavy on my poor brain.

"Real life is so hard
We hide in the stars
That's where our heads are
My head and your heart
This is a black out
Don't let it go to waste
This is a black out
I want to detonate
When you are so far
I'm falling apart
Lose all my sonar
You jam my radar"
- "My Poor Brain" from the Foo Fighter album "The Color and the Shape"