My Experiment of Wanting Something

I know winter is finally here because people are complaining about the weather. I have officially have had enough talk about weather. I get it, winters in Winnipeg are cold. What do you expect? Why do people feel the need to state the obvious. No one was saying anything when we had a bizarro above average November, but now that we have a typical December, people get that stupid look in their eye just as they are about to unleash their keen wit and observation of the meteorological state of the outdoors and say something like "Man, I can't believe how cold it is out there."

You can't believe it? It was impossible to conceive of winter like every other year?

Anyways, this has lead me to the decision that I am going to avoid talking about how cold/warm I currently feel and making unnecessary comment about the weather. I mean, what's the point?

That said, I understand why people complain and why they even like doing it. Complaining is an easy source of conversation. We believe something should be one way and we'd like it another way. We know how we would change things if we could. Usually the answer is the short cut. Just make it nicer outside. More sun. The answer never is: "I wish I was intelligent enough to realize the climate I live in and thus responded in a responsible way and obtain effective protection against exposure to this environment."

I would like to point out that I see the irony in me complaining about complaining. I guess that's what I'm digging at. I want to complain as opposed to actually fixing the problem and changing my perspective. That's where the trick to the whole thing lies.

One of the big things that hinder me from changing my perspective to one that is more upbeat and positive is one that is buried deep into my idea of who I believe I am. I generally don't believe that good things come my way. Now I'm not saying that God doesn't give good things to people or that He should. And I'm also not saying that I think that God hasn't given me good things. I try my best to remember that I have a lot. Food, shelter, people, church, freedom, etc., etc. However, I guess I have lived in that place for long enough to think that those things are the standard. I know it's not the standard everywhere or for everyone, but it feels like it is the standard in the group of people that I spend the bulk of my time with.

So yes, I have good things, but I don't have what I want. Now, I don't have a whole lot of wants. There are maybe a list of things that if I had, that'd be peachy, but it's not like I am overly concerned with getting them. I would like to think that I am generally moving in the right direction about a life of simplicity. But I wonder if that has come out of the idea that I don't believe that I would even get what I want if I wanted something. When I was little, I wanted a certain toy or super powers and I wanted it so bad that I believed that if I wanted it bad enough, magic would summon it to me. I was always disappointed of course because that is not how it works when you come from a lower income family. I eventually came to realize that you often cannot get what you want. So I began to want less and less. And now, I simply don't think it's in the cards for me to get what I want. I realize that there is an assumption that comes from a leap of logic, but that is how I have felt.

I would see my friends or acquaintances get blessed with amazing gifts whether it be money or trips or second chances. Things that amaze me at the graciousness of God and others. I assume that those kind of gifts are for them and not for a guy like me. And what I mean by a guy like me, I mean that one line in "Don't Stop Believin'" that says "some will win/some will lose/some were born to sing the blues". It's not that I am a worthless person or not good enough or that God refuses to give me good things (because He has) but rather that it is simply the way it is. That I am supposed to be the guy that loses so that someone can win.

Everything in this little paradigm was fine until I realize that I wanted to want something. It's a little miserable to have nothing that you want because there is no point. It's related to the typical need to have a purpose but it wasn't quite that. I can't quite put my finger on it. And then I found something I wanted. I was gifted something that I thought I could never have. I was content. No, energized and focused. I told people "I was fantastic" and meant it when they asked how I was. So what happened in my experiment of wanting something and actually getting it? I screwed it up, naturally.

Now I am left in this unsettled place where I have to go back to being content with what I have while still struggling with want. I have to fight my predisposition of thinking that I am one of those people who will not get what I want and so I need to remind myself that I have been blessed. That I have received more than I need. I have to embrace a positive outlook and finding my goals in what God wants from His people.

Complaining about things is not going to change things in our lives, it only is a temporary measure of comfort. And if I really want something, fight for it and remember that sometimes even the underdogs can win one every once in a while.

"Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win

Under everything, just another human being

I don't want to hurt, there's so much in this world to make me believe"

- "Just Breathe" from Pearl Jam's Backspacer