Facing Down a New Year

So here I am on New Year's Day. Shortly after midnight, I can hear people downstairs chatting about I don't give a crap. I can hear a couple very much in love softly talking in the next room. I needed to get away to a place away from the others for a few minutes and reflect.

Rebecca didn't show as just as I assumed she wouldn't. I mean, I admit that I hoped she would've but I have no idea what I would say if she did. But that is done. I don't have to give hope in that field of my life any more attention.

I don't know exactly what to expect in the new year. I feel cautiously optimistic. I know I am, in essence, starting from scratch. I have to cover some ground this year and really start pushing myself.

At this point, I feel school is on the horizon for me (although it feels like I'm changing my mind weekly). I figure that if I can get an education degree and start teaching then I can finally settle into an actual career. A career that I could be very good at.

My money situation is not in a very good place either. I really need a roommate. I need to double my efforts and help take the edge off of the strain. Despite this, I do not feel panicked about it, but I know that it is going to make my whole school situation even more difficult.

I need to embrace hope a little more and deny cynicism and pessimism. I keep being reminded of how I am turning 27 soon, which is the age a lot of major rock stars die. I don't know why that little piece trivia keeps surfacing like that (although do not worry, I am swimming in a lot of random trivial information). I need to reach out to my fellow man. I remember how I've told other people that you can't get wrapped up in yourself in the face of pain or you're going to wind up imploding.

For the first time in my life, I am looking at a new year in front of me that seems to have a lot of stacked challenges as I also bring with me a few too many wounds and disappointments from the previous year.

I can not be mad at God for my situation. I have been slowly for my situation. I have been slowly settling into this place and it would be silly of me to blame anyone but myself. Some times I merely hit some bad and unfortunate breaks but I have made my home in the shadow of my heart and my broken will has made me less of a good person than I once thought I was and would be.

My prayer for this year is that God gives me the insight and ability to rectify who I am and get back to my imagined persona of honour. I also pray for either the grace of God or my own innate insight to bring something good. I don't what that good thing should be. I used to think I knew, but I think I need help on this one.

All this said, I still stand by what I said. I am cautiously optimistic. I will need wisdom and determination this year, but I am looking for God to reinforce my weakening being. I believe He will and I hope that I am paying attention when it comes.

"Dear Prudence,

See the sunny sky.

The wind is low, the birds will sing, that you are a part of everything.

Dear Prudence,

Won't you open up your eyes?"

- "Dear Prudence" from The Beatles' White Album

My Experiment of Wanting Something

I know winter is finally here because people are complaining about the weather. I have officially have had enough talk about weather. I get it, winters in Winnipeg are cold. What do you expect? Why do people feel the need to state the obvious. No one was saying anything when we had a bizarro above average November, but now that we have a typical December, people get that stupid look in their eye just as they are about to unleash their keen wit and observation of the meteorological state of the outdoors and say something like "Man, I can't believe how cold it is out there."

You can't believe it? It was impossible to conceive of winter like every other year?

Anyways, this has lead me to the decision that I am going to avoid talking about how cold/warm I currently feel and making unnecessary comment about the weather. I mean, what's the point?

That said, I understand why people complain and why they even like doing it. Complaining is an easy source of conversation. We believe something should be one way and we'd like it another way. We know how we would change things if we could. Usually the answer is the short cut. Just make it nicer outside. More sun. The answer never is: "I wish I was intelligent enough to realize the climate I live in and thus responded in a responsible way and obtain effective protection against exposure to this environment."

I would like to point out that I see the irony in me complaining about complaining. I guess that's what I'm digging at. I want to complain as opposed to actually fixing the problem and changing my perspective. That's where the trick to the whole thing lies.

One of the big things that hinder me from changing my perspective to one that is more upbeat and positive is one that is buried deep into my idea of who I believe I am. I generally don't believe that good things come my way. Now I'm not saying that God doesn't give good things to people or that He should. And I'm also not saying that I think that God hasn't given me good things. I try my best to remember that I have a lot. Food, shelter, people, church, freedom, etc., etc. However, I guess I have lived in that place for long enough to think that those things are the standard. I know it's not the standard everywhere or for everyone, but it feels like it is the standard in the group of people that I spend the bulk of my time with.

So yes, I have good things, but I don't have what I want. Now, I don't have a whole lot of wants. There are maybe a list of things that if I had, that'd be peachy, but it's not like I am overly concerned with getting them. I would like to think that I am generally moving in the right direction about a life of simplicity. But I wonder if that has come out of the idea that I don't believe that I would even get what I want if I wanted something. When I was little, I wanted a certain toy or super powers and I wanted it so bad that I believed that if I wanted it bad enough, magic would summon it to me. I was always disappointed of course because that is not how it works when you come from a lower income family. I eventually came to realize that you often cannot get what you want. So I began to want less and less. And now, I simply don't think it's in the cards for me to get what I want. I realize that there is an assumption that comes from a leap of logic, but that is how I have felt.

I would see my friends or acquaintances get blessed with amazing gifts whether it be money or trips or second chances. Things that amaze me at the graciousness of God and others. I assume that those kind of gifts are for them and not for a guy like me. And what I mean by a guy like me, I mean that one line in "Don't Stop Believin'" that says "some will win/some will lose/some were born to sing the blues". It's not that I am a worthless person or not good enough or that God refuses to give me good things (because He has) but rather that it is simply the way it is. That I am supposed to be the guy that loses so that someone can win.

Everything in this little paradigm was fine until I realize that I wanted to want something. It's a little miserable to have nothing that you want because there is no point. It's related to the typical need to have a purpose but it wasn't quite that. I can't quite put my finger on it. And then I found something I wanted. I was gifted something that I thought I could never have. I was content. No, energized and focused. I told people "I was fantastic" and meant it when they asked how I was. So what happened in my experiment of wanting something and actually getting it? I screwed it up, naturally.

Now I am left in this unsettled place where I have to go back to being content with what I have while still struggling with want. I have to fight my predisposition of thinking that I am one of those people who will not get what I want and so I need to remind myself that I have been blessed. That I have received more than I need. I have to embrace a positive outlook and finding my goals in what God wants from His people.

Complaining about things is not going to change things in our lives, it only is a temporary measure of comfort. And if I really want something, fight for it and remember that sometimes even the underdogs can win one every once in a while.

"Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win

Under everything, just another human being

I don't want to hurt, there's so much in this world to make me believe"

- "Just Breathe" from Pearl Jam's Backspacer

Full Circle

It's been a little while since I have come back to my blog and I think that it's funny that they last post is in a place where I once again find myself. As I reflect on these last ten months, it's weird to think that I have come full circle. I was searching for a major change. But I couldn't find it. My scenario really didn't change. I found myself treading into a darker and darker place. I went to Toronto with my brother in order to get away and reflect about what I should do. I had a great encounter with my friend, Michelle, who gave me some encouragement and advice. I then went to speak at Covenant Bay Bible Camp and caught a glimpse of a change. I wanted to not have to feel like I have to settle.

I came back to Winnipeg and got the idea for perhaps doing a new sketch comedy tour. It gave me a goal.

Then came along Rebecca. I won't get too much into it, but one thing that I was enjoying was how things seem to have finally looked like they were progressing. Like I was getting things together. I had a glimpse of a life of hope and a place of what I should be doing and I was moving there.

It all changed, though. I screwed it up. There's not much there to defend me. I found out who really am behind it all, and it turns out that I'm not as good as I thought. I mean, I never had the idea that I was perfect, but I always imagined that I was a higher caliber of guy who just hadn't found his niche. It turns out that I'm not. I'm just another guy who doesn't know who he is. Which is really, honestly disappointing.

I am back at the place ten months ago. I want change. I want to change. I have nothing here. I want nothing here. Well, almost nothing here. I lost my love for people. I lost my love. I lost love. I don't have a desire to do anything. I am passing time, it feels.

Rob reminded me of a Smashing Pumpkins song and the line "I'm in love with my sadness" and if I become like that, he is going to punch me. He's got a good point. I gotta keep on the positive side. And it's been difficult to do so. Really, what I would like is to want. I want desire. I've been so concerned with making other people happy and seeing things from other's perspectives for so long that the idea of what I want has been bleached away and faded. Who is David Rae? I don't know. A lot of people don't really try to look into who I really am and my reflective side. They think I am the guy on stage. People who know me better tell me I'm a hard guy to pin down. That the line between me and my sarcasm is blurred. Now, I fear I may have actually fooled myself this whole time. That even I do not know who I am. Maybe I have to go find him.

"When everything starts to fall

So fast that it terrifies you

When will you hit the wall?

Are you gonna learn to fly?

No one would believe it

Except for all the people

Watching as you fly away

Baby when I get home

I want to pick up the pieces

Hammer in the final nail

And lean me up against Jesus"

- "Time Bomb" from Dave Matthews Band's Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King

A Cyanide Pill Gets You Out of Many a Hairy Situation

Ok, so I have had a request to finish my story from January 20th, 2006. That's a good a place as any to start up blogging again. I finally have my computer up and going and I am ready for the oncoming onslaught of blog action. In case you do not have my whole blog memorized via date, go ahead and refresh yourself on the story. I am going to pick up the story from where I am about to go on the pre-date with a girl who may or may not be aware of the fact I like her. The pre-date is a beautiful system that allows me to test the waters and see if I even see any potential without all the dramatics of official dates. Unfortunately, with the fact that the girl I am about to go out on a pre-date with is now potentially compromised, I am in uncharted territories. I take a cyanide pill with me in case things go a rye.

We wind up going down to the Forks (a grand Winnipeg landmark) and spending the morning together and it was ok. I knew that we wouldn't work as a couple or whatever. As a pre-date, it would have been perfect. I could have walked away and no hurt feelings. But alas, as she was driving me home, I knew that if she didn't know now that I had a crush on her, she would know soon. I had to do something otherwise this weird feeling would hang over the friendship. I didn't know what to do.

And then it came to me. There was only one way out. But as I was about to swallow the cyanide, a better idea came to me.

It was an idea that would resolve everything with no hurt feelings.

I turned to her and said in an apathetic kind of way, "Hey, so I wondering if you want to go on a date or something."

It was brilliant.

She said no. She dropped me off and that was that. It didn't hurt me because I didn't want the date anymore and she gets the benefit of not having to guess whether or not I liked her.

Of course, if you're reading this, it is quite arguable that I asked her out with intent and that I'm just giving you an excuse that makes it seem like I wanted her to say no. But I guess you will have to believe my word. And if you don't believe me then that's fine, a cyanide pill gets you out of many a hairy situation.

As a side note, I should that the other girl that I liked turned into another debacle worthy of a hilarious romantic comedy with out the romantic part.

That Glimmer of Hope Was Vomitted Upon By the Cruel Demon of Reasons for Suicide

Ok, so I know for those who have spent any significant amount of time talking to me know that I am frustrated with the dating scenario in my life. Or more like the lack of one. Things are usually convoluted and strange. And I don't know how it happens.

But as of tonight, I have another weird story to add to the pile. My good brother, Darwin, invited me out to his company's party which happen to take place at Celebrations Dinner Theatre. I always wanted to go but it was so expensive for one meal. That's why I was all over it. I'll take any meal that's free.

I arrived by bus to the restaurant and I was ready for laughter and tears and heck, maybe I'll even learn something. I walk to the doors and see Darwin and go up to him. It was not long before I was accosted by one of his co-workers.

"Is that your brother, Darwin? Is he single?"

I should have lied. Said I had a girlfriend. But it was too late.

Now, I don't usually believe in auras. But if you could summarize "maneater" in an aura, that was the feeling I garnered from within moments of encountering her. I don't know what I mean by "maneater", but it seems suitable.

Apparently, I am tall and that is the thing that won her over. Apparently, she thought that we looked like a good couple when we stood together. She gave me her number. Actually, that is how I learned her name. Her name was on the piece of paper with her number on it. By this point, I have barely gotten my coat off and have said maybe ten words total since entering the building.

I wanted to leave. As we stood in line, she was playfully telling Darwin that he was in her way and that she wanted to stand next to me. I thank the Lord above that Darwin gets along with her and while he did that, I could quietly pray for sweet death.

One hope that I had was that the tickets to get inside indicated a specific table and seat. And ours were nowhere near her. That glimmer of hope was vomited upon by the cruel demon of reasons for suicide. We were let in and as long as we sat where the company had tables reserved, we could sit anywhere! Yea for freedom of choice!

Fortunately, Darwin and I got it first and I'm a fast thinker and quickly proceeded towards a table and went for the far chair so that there was only one chair next to me. Darwin sat there. It was fortunate that Darwin sat there, because The Crazy was hot on our tails. She sat next to Darwin. She then continued to complain that he was in her way of sitting next to me. Normally, I'm not a fan of Darwin's unending stubbornness, but it saved me tonight. I then pointed out to her that if she wanted to talk to me, she would talk to me and not be seemingly flirting with my brother.

That was the mistake of the night that led her to move to the seat across from me. Damn.

I was hoping that if I could imagineer a way out of my physical body, that I could escape. She then noted that I didn't talk much. I responded that the only thing that was talked about so far was how she wanted to flirt with me. She said she was trying. It was trying in the same way, that old, dying donkeys try not to fart so much.

I needed a strategy change. I figured if I could prove that we did not match up at all, then the whole thing would disappear. I needed to draw all my powers of awkwardness to full fruition in order to end it. I've been doing that since I hit puberty. And all my awkward dating scenarios having been prepping me for this night. I would need all my strength and skills of strange jokes and terrible social negotiations to make sure it ended right.

I go about trying to have a conversation by asking her what she likes, what she does and the like. Normal questions. Or so I thought. All her answers were "I don't do that" or "no" or "country music" and if there could be a vague possibility of innuendo in a question, she would say, "You don't want to know what I'm thinking." But no matter what, they were always dead end answers. Yet, if there was a long pause, she would demand that I talk and keep the conversation going.

Of course, when I told her about the things I like, it was like trying to explain how to make the perfect crumble cake to a dead otter. She knew the name of Johnny Cash. That was it. She may have known that he was a musician, although the jury is still out on that one. She didn't know anything about Nirvana, because "that guy is dead, right?" In fact, if the person was dead, it was a strong chance that she didn't know anything about them.

She has no interests in sports, hardly watched movies, barely any TV (except for "Dr. Phil"), did not read, did nothing in the creative realm, has no aspirations.

Her reaction to finding out that I want to be a mortician was an audible gag reflex. She was horrified that any human would want such a job.

Things were going well. Or so I thought.

To my horrified surprise, she still thought we would make a great couple. Apparently good conversation is not necessary. Or the fact that we share nothing in common (me liking anything at all and her not). Or the fact that my future profession nauseates her.

The night ended and I told Darwin that I never want to see her ever again.

The thing that bothers me most of about this night is the fact that the one person who is obvious about liking me, is clearly desperate. I mean, is it really a compliment if the person is desperate? I mean, it would be completely different if the girl wasn't so over the top at the start or even if we actually shared anything in common, but there wasn't. This girl didn't want me, she wanted anyone. That is so depressing. People tell me that I will find someone someday. I'm assuming that they are talking about someone that likes me and wants to be with me. Some one that I will enjoy being with. Someone that I love and cherish. However, it seems like I might have to settle for some one who likes me because I'm tall.

I'm Like the Pimp-Prostitute of Marriage

I recently found out that a girl that I took on a date this past year is going to get married. This is exciting news. I mean I was so happy, I was celebrating and everything. Not for her, of course, but for me. I was so happy simply because my theory has come true! The theory has been in progress for a while. However, there was never enough evidence to support. Now, I'm not talking about my famed "The People On Lost Are Actually Robots" theory but rather my theory that states "If a female agrees to and participates in one confined space of time known as a 'date' with David Rae, they will be engaged within the course of one calender year. This most recent girl is the third one! I don't even think that it's a theory anymore. I think it's scientifically the Law of Erodavenamics.

The reason that this law works this way is one of two way, maybe both. First, when the girl goes on the date with me, she is simply so astounded by my incredible hotness, intelligence, passion and general awesomeness, she realizes that she is not the one to corral such a mythical beast such as myself and that she needs to lower her standards to that of normal human males and thus finds a suitable one quite efficiently. Secondly, it could be that she goes on the date with me and knows exactly what she doesn't want in a guy.

Either way, I think that I'm going to start advertising that this law works. And the benefits will be multi-fold. Not only will I generate more dates for myself and maintain my high society playboy status that I currently hold, but girls will be marrying guys they love, like or tolerate. Perhaps I can earn money off of this. After all if the girl goes on the date, she will be married, but not necessarily to me. For instance, if some shy guy who doesn't know how to ask out a girl, pays me to go on a date with her, she gets imbued with the mystical marriage energy that I produce and she sees the shy guy in a new light and then it is over. Of course, that may make me a pimp. Or a prostitute. Kind of both I guess. I'm like the pimp-prostitute of marriage.

So if you know a girl who wants to get married, send them my way. They'll be engaged in a year and not necessarily to me (the new slogan for my "business").

Computers are Nature's Matchmakers

Ok, so I've run into just some of the most sitcomish events of my recent memory. It has been ridiculous really. These stories will be my fodder for the next few entries. This one happened ten minutes ago.

I was happily checking my e-mail after work at Domo, when I notice one from an acquaintance of mine which advertised a "crush calculator" and I'm like "Oh, what the hey, I'll play along with one of these mass e-mails. How can it possibly go wrong?"

The link takes me to a site and it says I can put up to three names and then it will see if there is any matches and I assumed it was some gong-show method of comparing names and then it randomly says yes or no or possibly "cooty-infested". It seemed pretty innocuous. So, I put a couple of names down, that I was serious about. I after all I'm not going to be one of those people who have fake crushes and then send fake love letters and then get fake married and have fake kids. Kids are always so disappointed when they're told that they are fake.

Anywho, after I typed in the two names, I was thinking about how the computer was going to figure out the possible future of my love life, because computers are nature's matchmakers. I was then appalled to see the message that popped up and said, "You've been tricked! The names of your crushes has been sent to ...." and then it put the name of the person who originally sent the e-mail, who shall remain nameless due to the fact that she will have an unfortunate accident in the coming hours.

Normally, I would probably shrug off such a "trick". After all, if it was a good friend of mine, they probably would already know my crushes.

However, this was a mere acquaintance. One of those people that you talk to only occasionally and would never give them money (which is a true sign of friendship and/or bastarditity). This may not be such a problem either if they had no idea who I was talking about or had no influence in my sphere.

Enter the twist that you saw coming, she is good friends with the crush that I wrote down. The same crush that I'm planning to hang out with on the weekend and execute the critical preliminary date to see if there is a potential in moving towards an official girl-sanctioned date. These preliminary dates are like secret missions that only the guy and other male advisers should know about. That way if the preliminary date is lackluster, the guy still has the chance to walk away because the girl has no investment yet.

This whole best friend now knowing about the secret mission is what leads to international incidents. This is also compounded by the fact that I entered two crushes into the site and thus she'll know that her friend is not the only one. This takes away a lot of the much needed credibility that I need later on in the relationship, if there is going to be one.

I am now going into that scene in the sitcom where its after the first commercial and then the whole thing falls apart and then it ends in trainwreck and then perpetuates the idea that men are greedy, lustful jerks and that women clearly don't need men.

This is what I get for trusting a computer. And friends.

Then You Have to Explain to the Police Why You Gave Him the Poker in First Place

This is yet another entry in a row and so I'm actually using tomorrow's date, because you can only live each day once or some crap like that.

For those of you who don't know or care, there has been a bit of a compilation of dramas in my life. Some involve me and others do, too. Here's a brief rundown.

1. I put my foot in my mouth with this one person I know and I was a damned idiot in what I said. It was my fault and I had to bite the bullet and legitimately say sorry. It was some of the dumbest things I think I've ever said to an individual and so now I have to go through that awkward feeling of "did I make it up to them enough?" Apparently, you need to say something like 8 nice things to make up for one bad one. That's like 32 things I need to say nice. You see you can't use retroactive positive comments either. Oh well, that's 32 nice things for her and like 6 shots of Jack Daniels for me.

2. As of late, people making fun of me has started to take it's toll and find it difficult to face constant ridicule (although still unfair of me to put it on others). And there was a recent time where every single piece of conversation that came my way was a form of ridicule and that was like an awesome cherry of punch in the face that I've had to deal with in addition to the normal day-to-ridicule. It's the kind of thing that's worth at least 8 shots of Jack.

3. Another individual in my life did not make a certain engagement this past week and although it did not affect me that much personally, others in same said group have and now there's going to be that damned awkward thing in the air, where people pretend nothings wrong, but everyone knows there is something wrong. It will be "great". I can't tell if that last statement came across as sarcastic. Because it was supposed to be. Very sarcastic. Although ultimately I think it's only one shot. I mean Jack Daniels is so expensive.

4. I went on a date recently, which technically went well, it didn't end as I hoped. Meaning that that's the end of that. That was a lot of "that"s for one sentence. My english teacher would kill me for that. Oh, and my over-use of exaggeration. Anyway, through said experience, I've had an epiphany and now have a renewed vigor for life and self-confidence (but I still don't like the whole ripping Dave's being apart from 1). But I think I may have foolishly told the individual that majorly influenced this epiphany and that may have been a mistake. And I'm left with have to figure out what the hell is going on. That's easily worth the price for the 10 shots.

5. I'm planning on having a launch party for the Mr. Chapel DVD release and many of these people may be there all together under one roof, ready for a sitcom-like meltdown. And even if they don't come, all the conversations that involve inviting them will just suck. 1 shot for every invitation. That's like 30 shots.

I didn't sign up for all this, but this is what you get for getting involved socially and having little diplomacy skill to deal with it. It's like giving and enthusiatic kid a hot poker and releasing him into a mall full of people. And then you have to explain to the police why you gave him the poker in first place and you have to tiptoe around the fact that you were there to steal from the jewellery store and why the hell did I use my little cousin for that. That kid can't do anything right. I mean I needed you to be a distraction. How hard is that?

Oh and now I have to buy a lot of Jack Daniels. That's like one of those big bottles and I can't throw money around like that. That's worth two shots.