Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Day One: Wanting My Cake and Eating It Too

I have been in Victoria for a whole day and I have been reminded what a beautiful city it is. Compared to Winnipeg, it feels clean and interesting. The scenery is gorgeous and the downtown has places to go see. I mean, there was a two block radius where there were three or four comic book stores, three ironic t-shirt stores and a Starbucks. It was a paradise for a hipster nerd like myself.

Despite how nice the city is, I did not come on this trip to see things, but rather people. I am here with Bryan and Krista Dwyer, friends that I haven't seen in a couple of years and I always thought I would never see again. Not because I didn't want to, but rather because I was never going to have the opportunity. I'm glad I did, because I love talking with Bryan about all sorts of topics and I love how I can make Krista laugh without even trying. She's the easiest audience I know and makes me feel funnier than I really am. It's really the main reason I'm friends with her.

I carried around my camera and my tripod for the three hours that we wandered downtown and it got to the point my ribs really hurt and I had to massage my chest and I probably looked like I was having a perpetually on the brink of having a heart attack. I was carrying it around in case I came up with an idea for shots for videos for the new episode of the Early Night Show that I will be doing at the start of May. However, I didn't really have it figured out what I really wanted so I wound up carrying it for nothing.

It's hard to be creative and get work done when you spend it with people. Especially people that you want to spend time with. I tried to get most of it done before my plane touched down in Victoria but it's also difficult to sketch out four full videos in a short amount of time. I plan on spending time tomorrow figuring that all out. I mean, I have come to realize that time by yourself is also important on a trip like this, because realistically you need to find a balance.

I hope to get stuff done on this trip so the prepartions for the show when I get back will be relatively easy. At the same time, I want to be present with the people I'm with. I also want to reflect and relax. It's funny how I can't even do being laid off without becoming busy.

I was reminded again in a conversation how funny I am and how I may not find satisfaction. I am not sure if it's that I am not allowing myself to see what I have, but I was reflecting how I wish I can just have a life with a wife and kids and that's what I want. Not that all of my problems would be solved, because if anything I more problems would come. Rather, I was thinking that is the thing missing from my life. If I just had that, I would be content. However, I caught myself and said that even if I did get those things, that I would probably want the life I had when I was 27 with the ability to do what I want and could spend all my time working on videos and going away to camps and playing Dungeons and Dragons and spend my money how I want. I seem to want two very different lives and I will not be content in the place I am. Unless I learn how to continue to be in the present and not continually be concerned with possibilities but rather take advantage of what is here. Whether that is on the general state of life or whether it is in the very present of being in Victoria with friends that I love. It is my challenge for this trip and for when I return home. It's a lesson that I need to be constantly reminded of.

"A big eyed fish,
Yeah, swimming in the sea,
Oh, how he dreamed.
He wants to be a bird, swooping, diving through the breeze.
One day, he caught a big blue wave up onto the beach,
And now he's dead, you see, a fish's dream, should stay in the sea.
But, oh God,
Under the weight of life
Things seem brighter on the other side."
- "Big Eyed Fish" from Dave Matthews Band's album "Busted Stuff"

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