For me, it was really displaying myself up there without ever saying it. It was a hard reminder of elements of my past, but the positive thing was that it was difficult to summon. I don't feel the same as I did. Hopefully, that's a sign of peace in my soul and not a sign of a callousness.
Nonetheless, I have found it draining to go through that sketch and I felt tired after both performances. Way more than I ever did yelling at the top of my lungs as Stan Ostrowski. It was like my inner self was tired.
Mind you, this comes at the end of a long week, emotionally speaking. I have been approached for advice, support, and discussion for some people and it was hard stuff that life just deals and it seems unfair or painful to deal with. Due to my age of being a little bit older and due to my experience, I feel I have given an important perspective for those in the midst of a replay of my own story. I frequently draw from own life to paint illustrations and examples and that means I have to talk about things that dredge up my past. Some times I have to say something harsh, sometimes I have to just admit that it sucks, sometimes I have to say something that comforts, and all the while, my heart aches with them. I don't regret and will not regret helping at all, but it does wear after a while.
Unlike previous posts, I don't know what my conclusion is on this. What lesson I am gleaning or prayer that I have in it. I suppose it is good that I am there to listen and give words of encouragement, comfort, challenge and direction. I suppose that it is good that I have learned from my past. I suppose that it is good that I have moved from that place. I guess I would just rather the past stay in the past.
"How to keep people at arms length and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone
I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget"
- "Eight Easy Steps" from Alanis Morissette's "So-Called Chaos"