Tonight, I am restless. I couldn't fall asleep. I didn't even have that tired feeling. It feels like I could stay up for another three hours before feeling sleepy. This whole day has been kind of a wash. I told myself that I would write a script for a video for the weekend and I couldn't bring myself to focus enough. I am scrapping one idea I had for another one that will be easier to execute. At the moment, I feel like I am having trouble keeping up with the work I need to finish. Ever since I came back, the writing has seemed to be much more difficult. That's not good news when I am needing to produce more than I have for the sake of the show I am putting together. I am feeling stressed about the matter.
The strange thing is, I don't know if I have been as spiritually disciplined as I have been in the last couple of weeks. I have been reading the Bible fairly frequently. And it's not that strained 1 chapter a day type of thing. I finished the last quarter of Ezekiel, the letters of John, James (a couple of times to get it prepped for my small group), and just today twelves chapters of Job. Prayer has become more apart of my life as I am trying to keep my motives and understanding in check. I have been trying to teach myself to pray when I have an issue that bothers me.
This is of particular importance right now because I know what I am like. I tend to be obsessive when I have something that fascinates me or interested. For instance, when I was younger, my friend Erik would watch the Star Wars movies and I never joined him because I figured I wouldn't enjoy them. However, at one point I gave in and watched them. I forget why. Perhaps it was after I was introduced to the card game based on it and I wanted to understand the game better. Hmm. Interesting. Anyways, I wound up liking the movies and my brain immediately began downloading any information about the Star Wars universe that I could. I even relented on my no-reading policy and read a three book series that followed Boba Fett (probably the most overrated character in Star Wars). I could name the pilots and their call signs for the entire X-wing squadron that attacked the Death Star. Etcetera, etcetera. Arguably, I knew more about the movies than Erik (although he may argue otherwise however I now realize that there is no winner in that argument).
I don't know how I feel about that last paragraph. I mean, clearly it's a great example of what I want to communicate, but my Star Wars phase is definitely something I am self-conscious about. Especially since the prequel movies marred what was once a fantastic series. I could explain why, but that is off-topic and would be merely a source of regret for me to write and for you to read.
Anyway, right now, I have that thing that I want to go and immerse my time and knowledge in, but I am trying to give myself some self-control. I am specifically trying to hold myself back so that way I don't wind up with priorities out of whack. I am here to serve the church and the people. I am trying to keep God as the priority, especially since I feel like the church has been missing the point for a long time and I want to call them back.
Prayer has been good at keeping my priorities straight and why I have tried to be more conscious of doing it.
I have come to really appreciate the values and the conversations I have had with Arden and Chris. I am finding that I am not alone in my desire to see extremism to be taken out of the church but rather put the focus back on the core of what is important.
In most ways, things are good. But I see now, after writing this exactly why I can't sleep. I am distracted. And because I am distracted, I have a hard time focusing. That's why I can't write. That's why I feel stressed. The struggle with the desires of the heart continue.
Lord have mercy.
"Drove downtown in the rain
9:30 on a Tuesday night
Just to check out the late night record shop.
Call it impulsive,
Call it compulsive,
Call it insane.
When I'm surrounded, I just can't stop.
It's a matter of instinct,
It's a matter of conditioning,
A matter of fact."
- "Brian Wilson" from the Barenaked Ladies' album "Gordon"
1 comment:
I like reading what you write! I would even be interested in hearing a commentary of the tragedy of Star Wars: Episodes 1-3.
I would like to have a Skype "date" with you some time. I say "date" because it's on Skype and we can't make out, therefore nullifying it as a true date. Right? That's how it works, right?
Let me know when you're free, although during the day is often more prime for me!
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