Catch-22 of Inefficiency

I don't miss my Xbox much. I've been fine without it, although there is something I do miss and that is Rock Band. If I had it here, I could easily drain hours into it. I want to see what songs are available to download. I want to hook up the mike and guitar and pretend to be the rock star I fantasize about being. I don't even play it to perfect my skill at the game, but I just play because I love to play. It is almost like that thing that musicians have where they love playing music. I love singing the familiar songs and those plastic instruments give you an excuse to belt it out.

Of course, if I did have it here, it would distract me. It totally would. I would be sitting at the table with my pen and trying to write my scripts or at the computer editing videos and my mind would drift to rocking out to Nirvana's "Breed" or the whole Nevermind album. Would it take over? No, I wouldn't let it, but it would distract me.

When I have a creative project and the pressure of the deadline comes, I get skittish. My mind begins working more and more. I stress more and more. And that stress plays out by avoiding the work to pull it together. I have a terrible tendency to leave it until the last moment. However, it is not because I am not putting in the time to work on it. I may put off getting to it in my day, but when I do sit down to do it, my mind has the tendency to not focus on the material, but rather on the fact that the material is almost due. It's a Catch-22 of inefficiency.

It's like the debate in my head is the one side who buckles under the stress and protests against any project that would bring such stress. The other side is the one who is trying to keep the whole thing going and saying "You are going to look like a fool if you don't put in the time to do this right." The second voice will keep losing the debate until his voice gets stronger and stronger as the deadline gets closer and closer. Unfortunately, it usually comes too late. I may pull the show together, but I know it could have been better.

This struggle happens for each one of these shows or any one of my major "projects" where I am the main creative engine in it. Whether it is the Early Night Show or 24 Day or even down to sketches for church, it has the same issue.

The question then becomes, "What can I do to inspire me to produce the best work possible?"

I know that in the past, it was the influence of a significant person in my life that would centre me. They wouldn't even have to do much aside from spend some time with me and talk. Not even talk about the show. Not even about anything in particular. I think I just need to be reminded that I have someone who is on my side. That someone is there to notice when I do create it.

If I don't have that significant person, then it turns to other things. Like Rock Band. Or needless and repetitive internet surfing. Or blog posting.

I have been trying to keep God as the centering figure in my life. That He is the presence who I work for. That He is what inspires and pushes me forward. I've been trying to read more of the Scriptures and more time in prayer and reflection. To a certain extent I feel like I do alright at it. 

However, I will say honestly that to me that the tangible presence of God (for me at least) is there through people. God can inspire in those moments of solitude, reflection, prayer and study, but when you need someone there, someone to say that something that encourages or inspires, I think God uses people.

Arden has been speaking about community at the church recently and I am always reminded about the idea that Holy Spirit works through people. The big call for us by God is to reach out to others, challenge them, support them and care for them. I think this is because when we are doing these things, that we are putting God's love into action. We are involved in that very idea of being the presence of God for others. Not to say that we are God or that God can't make His presence known without people, but I think it is a part of that. That's why to be a Christian is more than just saying that we believe certain things and then make sure we don't do bad things anymore, but rather that we are implored to go and make disciples and care for those who need it.

In the end, I am saying that I will be okay through this process of creating the show. For one, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Two, I need more self-discipline. Three, I need to remember that God is always with me.

That all said, it would be that much nicer to have that person at my side who can gently remind me of those very things instead of the echo chambers of my own, stressed mind.

"So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day

And I start to complain that there's no rain

And all I can do is read a book to stay awake

And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape"

- "No Rain" from Blind Melon's self-titled album