How to Win Friends and Influence People by Someone Who Never Read That Book

A couple of days ago, I made a few posts that caused a lot of debate and discussion.

The noticeable element was how passionate people got. For some, to attack the idea of rental and tenancy was preposterous or perhaps a sign that I should look at buying my own place (oh to dream a dream!). Others agreed with the words I spoke and vehemently came into the discussion seeing the injustice in such a system.

The thing that has weighed on me since then has been the place that social media plays in the space of public discourse. I saw people from different realms of my life come into a discussion and hold passionate debate. For most people, this was a debate with a faceless opponent. The only connection to the people on the other side was me as a mutual Facebook friend.

However, for me, I saw people from across my life, whom I all appreciate and have held good memories of have an anonymous fight. Whether it was people from my hometown who knew me as the weird gangly keener kid, or it was people who went to college with me and knew me as the weird gangly slacker man-child, or it was people who went to the camp I was a leader at and knew me as the weird gangly child-man, or it was people from Edmonton who know me as the weird gangly old child comedian, you can all agree is that I’m weird, I’m gangly and I'm idealistic.

I wanted to take a moment to remind everyone who is a friend or an associate of myself, that everyone is a person. I mean, that’s a given. We fundamentally know that. However, in the midst of a debate that matters close to the heart, it can be easy to distill people down to a comment and a profile picture.

Also, before I get too far into this post, I want to say that as you read this, that I'm not saying anyone went too far or that they poisoned any conversation. I want to offer a reminder. A reminder for all of us to keep in mind as we deal with interactions on the internet. In fact, I think it was pretty civil. But I think a reminder in the midst of an issue of passion is important to keep people anchored.

Regardless of whether you fully agree with my sentiments of a few days ago or are dismayed by my thoughts on the status quo, I want to say that I appreciate that you are bringing your experience, understanding, and passion to the discussion. The people I saw that responded clearly care and I know that you genuine believe and stand by your words and want a fair world for people to have the ability to thrive.

I want to highlight for people on both sides, myself included, that when it comes to convincing people to your side, that you need to remember that it is really difficult for a person to see a perspective that is not their own. It can backfire on you especially if you do give the other person grace. On a visceral, human level, you are hurting a person. You are attacking a person’s identity. It is very difficult for a person to change their mind and if you’re not careful, you will only entrench the other person more in their position. Here is a clip of a show that delves into this human phenomena: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8NydsXl32s 

That’s why when I offer ideas or responses, I try to do it as gently as possible. I try to attack ideas, not people. I try to sympathize with people I do not agree with. Not to be weak or submissive or not to hold my position without conviction, but rather that I may actually win people to my side.

This also is echoed in the Bible itself. When Paul speaks about sharing the gospel (which means “good news”), he says this in 1 Corinthians 9:19-23: “Though I am free of obligation to anyone, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), to win those under the law. To those without the law I became like one without the law (though I am not outside the law of God but am under the law of Christ), to win those without the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, so that I may share in its blessings.”

A fantastic example of this is Daryl Davis, a black man who has convinced multiple members of the KKK to leave the white hoods behind. If you have not watched him speak, please do: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORp3q1Oaezw

Obviously, the topic my post was talking about is not nearly as drastic as that. But I wanted to highlight Daryl, because even in the most extreme example, the way he won people over was remembering to have empathy and to remember the humanity of the other person.

When someone sends a reply to my idea with a jokey tone, I respond with a jokey tone because I know they do not mean me harm. If someone is sincere, I respond with sincerity because I know they are being vulnerable with something they earnestly think and believe.

I don’t do this well all the time. It’s because I care and I get passionate and I might say or type something that is too much. It might be, in my mind, funny or “smart” or right, but when I cross the line it really communicates that I am willing to dehumanize the other person. And at that moment, I have lost. The idea I wanted the other person to embrace is rejected, not necessarily because I was wrong, but rather I was right in the wrong way.

What I am hoping is that if you’re reading this, regardless or whether you agreed or disagreed with my posts, you are considering your words you may have said to someone else. Maybe you said something that went beyond the ideas and it was meant to hurt the other person. If you think you may have, please consider reaching out to them in a private message and apologize even if you still stand by your position, whether it was on the posts I made or if it was on post completely unrelated to the ones I posted. Not only will this repair a basic connection with another human who has thoughts and feelings, but who knows? Maybe it will make the other person give your words a second read and consideration.

As an aside to specifically my fellow Christians who may have followed this link (but even if you’re a HEATHEN!!!?!?!?!!!!, perhaps you will find value in this thought), what I thought was interesting was that it was a lot of Christians that upheld and defended the status quo. That held to the common thought that if a person works hard and made wise decisions, that it was very possible to navigate the system in place. That one is rewarded if they behave under the system. This echoes the friends of Job who accused Job of some supposed wrong doing that must have put him in a place where God must punish him. In reality, Job had done nothing wrong. In fact, if you read the book of Job you find out that he went above and beyond what was required of him to be righteous and despite this, he lost his wealth, his kids, and his health.

Just because things are the way they are, doesn’t mean they are right and just. The prophets in the Bible attacked the status quo and those who thought they were holy when injustice and neglect of the poor abounded. Jesus was an enemy of the state and the religious authorities. Just because some Christians scoff and denounce generous ideas, remember that grace and forgiveness of sins is the utmost generous idea there is.

What Christians need to embrace is the idea of divine imagination. What of the Kingdom of God could we try to bring to earth? How can we participate in God’s work of making His will be done on earth as it is in Heaven?

The thing I see often lacking in the church is a lack of divine imagination. They are willing to embrace the status quo as opposed to challenging oneself to embrace the example of Christ and examine whether or not the status quo is actually unjust and broken.

As an aside to specifically to my fellow left-leaning friends who may have followed this link (but even if you’re a RELIGIOUS ZEALOT!!!!?!???!, perhaps you will find value in this thought), you can learn from the long tradition and admittedly uneven history of missionaries to understand that you need to have empathy for people if you want anyone to take your thoughts and consider them. If you want your brazen ideas to take hold in the heart of another individual, you need to remember that this an individual. Perhaps influenced by a system or several systems, but they are an individual, too. If you are quick to summarize a person in one word, you are in danger of viewing a person as not a person.

As an aside to specifically people who find themselves outside of both of those previous categories who may have followed this link (but even if you are A STEREOTYPE!?!?!??!!!??!!, perhaps you will find value in this thought), we need to remember that our survival is tied in with each other. Even if you think that everyone else is stupid and shortsighted, your well being is tied in with others. The reason humans have survived and thrived is because we work together. We learn from each other, we strengthen each other. 

As an aside to specifically to myself (but even if you have PROPER PROPORTIONS!!!!?!??!?!?!, perhaps you will find value in this thought), you can’t summarize people too easily. Life is complex and you can’t assume that you have the answers. You’re likely wrong in the nuance and the specifics. The best you can do, is offer the little understanding you have and be willing to accept others and be willing to take on the hard task of examining yourself especially when challenged on your thoughts. Who do you think you are? And why are you not eating more?

In conclusion, some people may think that I’m a bleeding heart liberal and others may think that I’m a melted brain Christian and others may think that I’m simply a weird, gangly man-boy-child-guy that is earnestly taking his understanding and trying to make this world a better place (I think of myself more as the King of the Sega Genesis) but I truly believe that this world needs to be more creatively loving.

If you feel like I’ve wronged you or treated you poorly or you would like to continue a discussion with in regards to this or other things I have said, please reach out to me. 

Now, may you go into the world and love others as yourself and may justice roll down like a river.

Or in other words: Remember, I’m pulling for ya, we’re all in this together. Keep your stick on the ice.

"The road is long, with many of winding turns

That lead us to (who knows) where, who knows where?
But I'm strong, strong enough to carry him - yeah
He ain't heavy - he's my brother

So long we go, his welfare is my concern
No burdon is he to bear, we'll get there
But I know he would not encumber me
He ain't heavy - he's my brother

If I'm leaving at all, if I'm leaving with sadness
That everyone's heart isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another.

It's a long, long road, from which there is no return
While we're on the way to there, why not share?
And the long doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy - he's my brother."

- "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" by Bobby Scott and Bob Russell