Early Night Show: How Does Faking Your Own Death Work?

This is my official invite to all my friends and supporters that I am putting on a second episode of the Early Night Show. I know many of you could not make it to the first one because it was on Valentine's Day, but because of it's success and the fact I need to fundraise some money for the Camp Ministry Team that I will be joining this summer.

The theme of the show will revolve around pushing on when things get tough and being able to laugh at it. There will be both live and taped comedy sketches and live music from some of my favourite people. If you can come out and support me in this, I would love to see you there in the crowd. As well, I am also going to be my new DVD called "Hipster Nerd Wannabe" at the show with the proceeds from that also going towards the Camp Ministry Team.

It's going to be a great time and I hope to see you there.

Admission: $9
Where: Faith Covenant Church, 1229 Windermere Ave
When: Sunday, May 2nd, 7:30pm

"Hipster Nerd Wannabe"
Cost: $12
Includes: - The Church Office Season 1 & 2, Dark Poems of a Tortured Soul, The Early Night Show and other sketches

Day Eleven: Away I Go

I have been in Calgary a couple of days now and I have found it a little more relaxing. So much had to be done in Vancouver that it had a bit of a cloud over it. Not much, but I was always commuting somewhere or working on this or that. Here, since the bulk of things are done, I am relaxing more and reflecting more on my trip and the experiences and people I've met so far.

Everyday it feels like I have some significant conversation with someone or a strange encounter. Each one reminding me of where I am in relation to things. How I have changed so much and my perspective is becoming more and more uniquely my own. Each person has challenged or reinforced or encouraged me. This has been good for me and I am definitely glad I have decided to spend the money to do something I hadn't been able to in Winnipeg while I worked and that is to connect to other people. Theoretically, I could have done all of this in Winnipeg, but there are people I don't get to see or talk to often and besides I am getting fodder for conversations back home.

In essence I feel like I am going through my own personal version of "Away We Go". By the way, if you have not, go and buy it or rent it and watch it and fall in love with life again. You need to read that previous sentence with Will Ferrel's James Lipton impersonation from "Inside the Actor's Studio". Each place I go has it's own distinct feel and distinct impact and reflection. It has been great to help me prepare for the Camp Ministry Team that I will be doing this summer.

I am in a vastly different place now than I was when I first was on Covenant Bible College's TEAM back in 2002. The eight years have taught me, broken me and have grown me. I just noticed that I like to use a lot of lists of descriptions. Strange. Anyway, although my theology and outlook has changed, at the same time I am still the same essence of the person that I was before.

When I get back, I will be heading back into the crunch time of putting the show together and I hope it works out. I like to think about the grand picture and my place in it and all of that theoretical stuff, but I need to make sure I get the things done that need to get done. Get back to bringing the theoretical into the practical.

"Well I have been searching all my days,
All my days
Many a road, you know
I've been walking on
All of my days
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep changing into nights"
- "All My Days" from Alexi Murdoch's album "Time Without Consequence"

Lost in Thought: "Everybody Loves Hurley"

I just realized that I was watching this last episode of Lost in my John Locke outfit. I have these green cargo pants with a bunch of pockets and I'm wearing a tighter blue t-shirt. Shave my head and throw me in a wheelchair and I'll tell you "Don't tell me what I can and can't do!"

Anyway, I will get into this by saying that I really like the man on a mission Desmond in the flashsideways. It's interesting with his rather brutal attack via high end luxury car on a man in a wheelchair, because does that mean he remembers Locke's attempt on his life on the island realm? I am assuming so.

Is Desmond dead on the island? There's a good chance, although it was admittedly anticlimatic. Although maybe his role is ultimately about the flashsideways and helping people to connect to the island. I don't think that they are going to try to head to the island, but perhaps they may need to do something to either save their island selves or use their island memories to save themselves.

Finally, they have revealed the nature of the whispers, although I was hoping that it would turn out to be Jacob or whoever else that was viewing the people via the mirrors in the lighthouse. But dead people are cool, too. It is interesting because the show is once again painting the island as hell or at least purgatory.

Purgatory or at least a place like purgatory would make a lot of sense. It's a place you're trapped until a change can occur before you leave and find your ultimate destination. Some could say that life for us is the same kind of place for people. It's a place where we have all of these ideas coming at us and we are broken and we have to decide what we are going to do.

The one scene I liked and stood out for me was a rather small one. It was the instance where Hurley claims that Jacob talked to him and has told him what to do and in reality it wasn't true. In addition, Jack seems to have believed him and follows Hurley. When it turns out that Jack is aware that Hurley didn't actually talk to Jacob and Hurley asks him why he would come, the answer was, "Because I trust you, Hurley".

Before I say this, I want to stress that I don't think Jacob is God in the show of Lost. What I think he represents is our perceived relationship to a higher power. The idea that there is a lifestyle that we follow based on essentially heresay and tradition and people are following it despite how wild and far-fetched the instructions can become. Hurley is the closest thing at this point for the island's spiritual leader. He is connected to the island and has a sense of where they should be going but it is interesting that he is willing to use the old "God told me so" arguement in order to convince the others to come. It's interesting that for Jack at least, that he is aware of the lie, but he is fine with it and goes along with it because he trusts Hurley (despite the fact he was deceitful).

If it's from the candidates are going to be taking over Jacob's job, it is hard to say who will be the choice. Whoever it may be, might be the creator's way of indicating the new perception of God. Perhaps? Things are definitely different both in the world of the show and the real world than they were. It could ultimately be a commentary on the relationship between people, faith and purpose.

Day Eight: "Did Someone Try the 'Vengeful Ninja' or 'The Pajama Man'?"

Having just finished the Vancouver leg, I just realized that it has been a busy one. I wanted to post a note on here earlier, but for various reasons I was not able to. So thus, I am going to do a bit of a rundown and share with you possibly my greatest con that I have pulled off.

First of all, we shot the entirety of a video for the Early Night Show which I am super excited about. It was nice to use a location that is different than Winnipeg for videos. Vancouver (as well as Victoria) has a distinct look and feel. The only thing that I'm concerned about is the audio because we can only use the mic on the camera and I was competing with the traffic. If some shots didn't work, I will have to cheat Winnipeg for Vancouver. I think the Exchange will do. We'll see.

A fun thing I got to do was do a couple of photo shoots with Caitlin, photographer-extraordinaire-in-training. I need to create a poster and other advertising for my Early Night Show on May 2nd as well, I want to create a DVD of some of my videos that I have done since Mr. Chapel. The theme of the Early Night Show this time around is one of a kind of "down but not out" thing. For it, the image I wanted to have was one where I was beat up but it still kind of funny. So we gave me a black eye and made up some fake blood and dirtied up my coat and went to the parking garage in Aaron and Cait's apartment building. We took over two-hundred shots and pared it down to two and I am extremely happy with we have. Aaron did a little photo shop magic and I have a poster that I can't wait to unveil.

I have decided to call the DVD "Hipster Nerd Wannabe" and it's going to have a shot of me with my coffee spilled over my shirt and the back with another shot trying to squeeze the coffee out. It looks good right now and I can't wait to see the final product. I hope to have it done by the time the show comes around.

I have spent my days exploring the city and working. Aaron and Caitlin were both busy for most of the time I was here and I would hang out with them as much as I could. It was good to see these two and I know I will miss them very much when I leave tomorrow. It's funny to think that I have not really gone to any touristy things and I'm glad. I don't particularly care to do that. Making videos and doing photo shoots are much more entertaining.

Alright I think it's time for the story. A couple nights ago, after a full day with Aaron and Cait, I went off to spend a couple of hours by myself. I felt it was important to make sure I have that time to reflect and have that alone time so that way I don't get too distant while I hang out with them. I headed down to the shore of White Rock about 8:30 and walked around. I walked down the boardwalk and took in the night sky and went to a local Irish pub called Jimmy Flynn's and sat down at a table to work in my raggedy old notebook. I was working on the live segments of the Early Night Show and trying to get some of that out of the way. I was listening to my music and tuning out the world.

However, something caught my attention. I noticed a guy at the next table trying to talk to a woman at another table in my corner of the bar. He looked middle-aged, although it looked like he could be older and was just aging better than most. My dad was like that, too. He had a bit of a British accent and had a local beer in his hand and was trying to smooze the lady the best he could. She on the other hand was just trying to get some work done. I had noticed when I came in that she was working away on a small notepad with her glass of wine. She was middle-aged, although she was definitely pulling off the sexy librarian thing and I could see why the guy was trying his luck. I was interested because I have never been witness to that kind of pick up especially when the woman is pleasantly turning him down and I wanted to see what would happen.

I remove of my earbuds and listen in to the guy's pitch to encourage her to join him. She was claiming that she just came here to write and not to talk. He counters that she could write at his table instead and join him and his friend (who was trying to stay out of the whole affair). She continues to keep him at bay. He starts asking about what she's writing about and she mentions that it's about emotional logic (whatever that means) and he asks what does that mean and she decides that she doesn't really want to get into it.

He tries another angle to keep the conversation and glances over at me and sees that I have been eavesdropping and asks her, "And who's this? Your boyfriend?"

She glances over and looks at me and says, "Yep, he is."

He looks back at me, "Really?"

"Absolutely," I figured she wanted some help and that this might be fun.

He thens go onto ask about why we weren't seated together at the same table. She says that this is what we do. I add that we like to have space to work. He continues to ask about the nature of what she's writing about and she says that her and I are working on a book together. I explain that we are here to do research and observe people.

He was still curious and tried to dig deeper and asked my fake girlfriend apparent about what this thing is about. She says, "Do you want to field this one, sweetheart?"

"We're working on an article for a sociological journal and we're hear just to observe people."

"That's what you're taking notes about?"

She interjects, "Yep".

"So, are you writing notes about me?"

I respond, "Yes, but we're just getting notes on everyone here."

"I don't know what I think about that."

I proceed to write that down.

"You're writing that down?"

"Yep."

"So you're saying that I could pick up a magazine and find an article by you two about me?"

"Not just you and not for a few months. We're doing a lot of research first."

We continue to maintain the illusion for the next hour, all the while playing a cat and mouse game about our names and trying to dodge the whole thing. She eventually relents and tells him that her name is Madison and I decided to go honest (because the easiest lie to maintain is the one closest to the truth) and told him I was David and that I'm Winnipeg and that I've only been in White Rock for a little while. He finally lets us know that he is John and it continues and I start realizing that this guy is buying the fact that I am writing an article for a science journal with the help of my much older girlfriend (she said she was 46 which totally makes her a cougar).

Eventually, John (who has admitted to us that he has had a few to drink) needed to go to the washroom. While he was gone, Madison quickly stands up and comes over to me. "Ok, so what's your deal?"

"You mean, what am I doing here?"

"Yes."

"I'm just doing some writing."

"What kind of writing?"

"Comedy sketches."

"That is fantastic. I am having too much fun with this."

"Me too. This is great material."

"Yes, it is."

He comes back and we resume our positions and continue our finely crafted lie that I upkeep with diligently writing notes about what he was saying and describing him and even a quick sketch of him. Every once in a while, after he would say something apparently important, she would look over at me and ask, "You got that, right?". It was amusing because there were a few times that I thought it was obvious that we were lying. For instance, they were talking about some program that apparently is common and was named something like "Del Carnegie" or some such thing and he asks me if I knew about it or read about it and I was not going to get caught in something that I had no idea about and as I said "No," Madison was trying to be intuitive and caught herself before she contradicted me and said "Of course...he doesn't."

The other close call was when one of the servers came up to Madison and asked, "Do you want another one, Nancy?" John was confused and she said that she always liked Madison and sometimes went by that. For some reason he bought it.

At one point I couldn't really hear him too well, so I decided to get a little closer and used the opportunity to slide my stool next to Madison/Nancy and casually put my arm up on the ledge behind her to make it look like my arm was around her. I wanted to maintain the illusion and when the bills came, I quickly snatched hers up and paid for it (that made my two drinks suddenly way more expensive). It was now midnight and the bar was closing and I had been there for three hours. John was suggested that the three of us should get together again for dinner sometime. She said maybe and gave her number to her to arrange a time. I wanted to maintain the illusion for as long as we could and we walked out with my arm around her and then linked arms as we walked down the street. Once clear of the restaurant we separate and have a mighty good laugh. It was at this point that I noticed that she was having a little bit of trouble walking. She said she was parked just a little bit up and I suggested that maybe she shouldn't drive. I was willing to walk with her home. Instead she asked if I was good to drive (I was) and then gave me the keys to her Escalade.

"You do realize you just gave your keys to some guy who just met tonight and is your fake boyfriend?"

I drive her home and get out when she asks, "Do you want to come up for a glass of wine?"

"No, I probably shouldn't."

She wishes me well and to keep up the writing and I go back to the apartment.

Man, sometimes lying is the best thing you can do.

"And would you cry if I told you that I lied?

And would you say goodbye or would you let it ride?

Good bye, hard life, don't cry, would you let it ride?"

-"Let It Ride" from Bachman-Turner Overdrive's second self-titled album

Day Four: Magical Mystery Tour

I have just settled into the apartment of my good friends, Aaron and Caitlin. I spent the day travelling. I always thought it would be a fairly straight forward matter to go from Victoria to Vancouver. You know, jump on the ferry and ta-da! You're there. Apparently, it takes a 45 minute bus ride to catch the ferry which takes an hour and a half to get to the other side at which point you ride another bus for another 45 minutes and then finally ride the sky train for another ... twenty, thirty minutes? I don't really know. Time just kind of blurred away.

After I said good-bye to Bryan as he turned around and reboarded the ferry back to Victoria, I put in my music which I figured should be Matthew Good's new album called "Vancouver". I felt it was appropriate. Besides, I hadn't really listened to the album too much since I bought it and if I were to listen to an album on repeat, this only made sense. I really liked it. Many of the songs I enjoy like "Last Parade", "The Boy Who Could Explode", "Us Remains Impossible" and "Fought to Fight It". It's interesting to travel into the city listening to an album about it through the lens of someone else. You start to get a sense of what he sees in it.

It's funny, I haven't really listened to an album straight through too often since I first bought an iPod. I mean there have been exceptions like when I bought "Backspacer" or Nirvana's "Live at Reading" or Good's previous album "Hospital Music". I usually don't buy a lot of albums any more usually because I don't want to risk money on songs I don't know. Before digital media came along, you never really had that option, but here we are.

The whole experience reminds me of when I was in high school when I came to Winnipeg for one of the first times in my life to do work experience at the Manitoba Theatre for Young People and all I had for a CD with me was Collective Soul's self-titled album. I listened to that on repeat for the whole week. I remember how the song "Smashing Young Man" was my inspiration and how many of the other songs resonated with me at that time.

One of the first albums I was ever given was a Jars of Clay CD and I don't remember which one, but I think I may have liked one song off of it and that was all. Meanwhile, one of my friends gave me (by throwing it at my head) Green Day's "Dookie" and since it was free, I listened to it. I had never heard anything that talked about something different than happy go lucky Jesus and this spoke to things I identified with. I mean, now, I'm not in that place anymore, but at the time, it was eye-opening.

Christian music has rarely impacted me as much as secular music, although one could easily argue that Collective Soul's music is pretty consistently spiritual, it is never overtly a specific religion. I find a lot of Christian music to be fairly one-dimensional. Maybe occasionally two-dimensional. It always feels a little ... shallow? Is that what I want to say? I suppose that is my problem with always coming from a Christian perspective. Everything feels a little white-washed and shiny. That it never admits the full range of human experience.

It seems to me that to have a full understanding of what it means to be human, you have to see the other side. You get to see it when you spend time with the homeless or the poor or the forgotten. You get to see it when you see someone face the dark shadows of life without some hope in a loving God. It is the same thing as how people that dwell in the dark matter have to listen to something positive in order to get a better understanding.

For me, I see it when I listen to music. These artists are sharing their more intimate thoughts in song form. I like music for that reason and specifically lyrics. There are words, but they are poetic. They convey a feeling versus other literature that usually explain everything. Music has a simple way of expressing the heart of the artist while still presenting words which I can somewhat follow. I don't necessarily agree with the artist, but I can identify with them and understand my world a little better and where other people come from.

I've had other many experiences and good conversations along the way, but this was the first one to be written on the screen. I gotta go crash now so I can go explore tomorrow.

"On a night like tonight

When no ones around

I sit in the dark on my hands on the ground

And I smile like the devil smiles

Unseen but proud

Truth be told I don't know who's at the helm

Just sit tight

I'll make my way to you"

- "On Nights Like Tonight" from Matthew Good's album "Vancouver"

Lost in Thought: "Happily Ever After"

I just finished watching last night's episode of Lost. Dana said that I was going to have a hay day with this one for theories and I can see why. Desmond-centric episodes are always significant and usually are the game changers for what is happening or what will happen. I actually loved how most of the episode took place in the flashsideways and how it brought back a lot of characters past.

There are two major ideas that streamed through this episode that stood out for me and one was what was important in life. We get to see Desmond in a place where all the things that were problems before are now wiped away. He was not an enemy of Charles Widmore, but rather his right hand man. He had money and the ability to do whatever he wanted. I do believe that Desmond was happy or content to a certain extent, but he did not love anyone and he was not aware of what he was missing. Charlie in his crazed wisdom was able to wake him up to this other mysterious idea of a woman whom he loved. He was willing to throw away his life of luxury for this idea, which was not even a reality for him.

This is why science fiction can tell some of the best stories because it can portray an idea that traditional stories cannot or at least portray it in such an engaging and beautiful way. When you see him meet Penny at the end and the interaction between the two, it made it feel like home. Like this is the way it should be.

This brings me the second major idea of the episode which is the idea of living through trials may be better for us. So far, all of the flashsideways have been generally pretty positive. Most of the characters are living lives that have turned out better than the original. They may be in a better place or perhaps have an improved perspective on things. They have, in general, made better choices than their island counterparts. I remember when people were predicting what was going to happen in the wake of the hydrogen bomb explosion, one of the ideas was that the plane was going to land in Los Angeles and everything was fine. I also remember how many people hated that idea because it would mean that the previous five seasons of the show would have meant nothing. All of those trials and moments of character growth would have disappeared. We as an audience have our selfish reasons for why that would be a rip off, but really, it means that the characters are the ones missing out.

I believe it is important for people to go through trials as a part of their experience. Can you really say that you are loyal if your loyalty has never been tested? Can you say that you have faith if your faith has never been tested? Can you say that you've loved if you've never had to sacrifice?

I really liked tonight's episode and from here they have also given us more insight into the connection between the flashsideways and the island realm. The two scenarios have been disconnected in terms of any real sense, although the writers have used it as an opportunity to give more insight into the characters. That's when you need a Desmond episode in order to bring the next segment of mystery to light.

It seems like electromagnetics is once again suggested as the great energy lying underneath the island with Widmore's test on Desmond. What Widmore wants out of Desmond may be to sacrifice himself and it will have to do with the electromagnetic source. Now, once again, the writers are messing with us, because it's starting to look like Widmore may be a good guy again. Which would be funny, because you would then have three groups of people who are wanting to accomplish something good but may collide in such a way that would be disastrous for all. I really can't say Widmore is a bad guy anymore, because it doesn't seem like he's trying to use the island's energy source for some nefarious purpose, at least at this point.

All three groups have displayed elements of good motives, but with scary and questionable methods. Almost like many major religions and philosophies. Hmm.

Anyway, Desmond is the key to this mystery of what is happening in the parallel scenarios. The other person who caught a glimpse of the flashsideways world was Juliet. Sweet, sweet Juliet. If electromagnetism allowed Desmond to travel there and Juliet travelled there as well, she was at the brink of this electromagnetic source and she got to see the other side. I am betting that we are definitely going to see her in the flashsideways in the next couple of weeks she's may have a vague awareness of the island similar to Desmond.

I am wondering if we are going to see the flashsideways Desmond try to let everyone on the flight know about the other place as almost a revelation or something for them to learn from. I am still leaning that the island will be done away with in the end and the flashsideways will be what's left, but they are going to gain the benefit of the islanders experience.

A lot of people have been caught up different ideas such as the Locke Monster or Jacob or the idea of the island being a cork. I have been way more captivated by the first episode with Kate in the tree and the sounds of her being underwater. I think it's somehow a clue but I have not been able to piece together where it fits. At one point I thought it made sense the islanders were in a spiritual state underneath the ocean in the flashsideways, but that sounded like I was on crack. Maybe, I'm getting caught on the wrong idea, but it was a very specific sound and intentionally done right at the start. I don't know. Maybe it ties in with the reflection idea of the flashsideways.

Well, that's all I want to dig into. I am going to enjoy the beauty of Victoria and hopefully I'll run into the girl that I loved on the island.

Day One: Wanting My Cake and Eating It Too

I have been in Victoria for a whole day and I have been reminded what a beautiful city it is. Compared to Winnipeg, it feels clean and interesting. The scenery is gorgeous and the downtown has places to go see. I mean, there was a two block radius where there were three or four comic book stores, three ironic t-shirt stores and a Starbucks. It was a paradise for a hipster nerd like myself.

Despite how nice the city is, I did not come on this trip to see things, but rather people. I am here with Bryan and Krista Dwyer, friends that I haven't seen in a couple of years and I always thought I would never see again. Not because I didn't want to, but rather because I was never going to have the opportunity. I'm glad I did, because I love talking with Bryan about all sorts of topics and I love how I can make Krista laugh without even trying. She's the easiest audience I know and makes me feel funnier than I really am. It's really the main reason I'm friends with her.

I carried around my camera and my tripod for the three hours that we wandered downtown and it got to the point my ribs really hurt and I had to massage my chest and I probably looked like I was having a perpetually on the brink of having a heart attack. I was carrying it around in case I came up with an idea for shots for videos for the new episode of the Early Night Show that I will be doing at the start of May. However, I didn't really have it figured out what I really wanted so I wound up carrying it for nothing.

It's hard to be creative and get work done when you spend it with people. Especially people that you want to spend time with. I tried to get most of it done before my plane touched down in Victoria but it's also difficult to sketch out four full videos in a short amount of time. I plan on spending time tomorrow figuring that all out. I mean, I have come to realize that time by yourself is also important on a trip like this, because realistically you need to find a balance.

I hope to get stuff done on this trip so the prepartions for the show when I get back will be relatively easy. At the same time, I want to be present with the people I'm with. I also want to reflect and relax. It's funny how I can't even do being laid off without becoming busy.

I was reminded again in a conversation how funny I am and how I may not find satisfaction. I am not sure if it's that I am not allowing myself to see what I have, but I was reflecting how I wish I can just have a life with a wife and kids and that's what I want. Not that all of my problems would be solved, because if anything I more problems would come. Rather, I was thinking that is the thing missing from my life. If I just had that, I would be content. However, I caught myself and said that even if I did get those things, that I would probably want the life I had when I was 27 with the ability to do what I want and could spend all my time working on videos and going away to camps and playing Dungeons and Dragons and spend my money how I want. I seem to want two very different lives and I will not be content in the place I am. Unless I learn how to continue to be in the present and not continually be concerned with possibilities but rather take advantage of what is here. Whether that is on the general state of life or whether it is in the very present of being in Victoria with friends that I love. It is my challenge for this trip and for when I return home. It's a lesson that I need to be constantly reminded of.

"A big eyed fish,
Yeah, swimming in the sea,
Oh, how he dreamed.
He wants to be a bird, swooping, diving through the breeze.
One day, he caught a big blue wave up onto the beach,
And now he's dead, you see, a fish's dream, should stay in the sea.
But, oh God,
Under the weight of life
Things seem brighter on the other side."
- "Big Eyed Fish" from Dave Matthews Band's album "Busted Stuff"

Pay Off

It's strange how it can feel like you have all the time in the world and at the exact same moment feel like you are running out of time. I have nowhere to really be today. I am waiting to hear back from a couple of places to see what I'm going to be doing for the summer. I have a month to construct another show. I am leaving for a trip on Sunday. I have delayed choosing my courses. There is a lot happening and yet, not really anything.

It's kind of funny to see how everything is essentially busy work. I am just filling my time. I have wanted to go back to school not because I love to go to school, but to get a new degree so I can do something different. I originally wanted to find a job that wasn't Rogers for the rest of my days. I want a job that I can tolerate. But that job will be doing the same thing. Filling my time.

I am so bored with life. I mean, I get to spend my days sitting under a tree and working in my book or reading, but it loses it's tranquility after two days. I am just filling my time. I don't care to play video games that much anymore. It's all the same. You go around this that or whatever and it's the same. It's just filling time.

I have all this time to spend with people and I'm starting to get bored of people now, too. The conversations start to look the same. The only thing I am interested in is the things other people care about so that I could give some insight and perspective. Tackle it like any other problem. Here's the thing, when you have something you care about, then you have something to do. When someone is bothered by something and doesn't know how to tackle it, I can give some advice and I am engaged on behalf of them.

With what is happening, there are plenty of good things. I can start over and get a chance to reconstruct the game, but it is also putting me into the scenario that I have come to truly hate. I have to invest in something. Time, money, care, whatever it may be into something to make the thing worthwhile. A good story involves giving you a payoff for investing your time into the story. It builds and builds, bringing you into the story and then when the conclusion comes, it pays off.

I think the reason I hate investing in anything real, is because the pay off rarely has been worth the investment for me. Whatever it may be. I mean not all the time for sure, but rarely. I've felt that I have made a lot of wrong choices. Not necessarily bad choices, but ones that just turn out to be the wrong ones. Usually, it will be one of those things where it could turn out awesome or turn out not awesome and for whatever reason, it lands in the not awesome category.

I remember back when I was younger and the pop companies would have the instant win under the cap of the bottles every once in a while. And it would be something like a 1 in 6 chance of winning a free drink. Here's the thing, I would buy their brand of drink just in the hopes that every once in a while I would get a break and get a free one. Obviously I didn't think I was going to win all the time, but just once in a while. I easily bought twenty of those things and I had maybe one win. Meanwhile, my buddy Erik seemed to win something like 1 in 3. I swear, it was ridiculous.

I see this silly example of how things I have invested in has gone. I tend to take big risks and those losses have been hard. Whether it was Mr. Chapel or dating a girl or signing a lease on the hopes that I can find a roommate. Thus this has led me back to being bored. I don't want to invest my time and money and heart into people or projects. The chances of it paying off, doesn't seem to be in my favor. Yet, if I no longer want to be stuck in a purgatory of filling my time, I have to find that thing that I will care about.

"How to keep people at arms length and never get too close

How to mistrust the ones who you supposedly love the most

How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone

How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps

A course of a lifetime you'll never forget"

- "Eight Easy Steps" from Alanis Morissette's album "So-Called Chaos"