Get a Move On Already

It has been a recurring thing with me recently in that things in my life are in perpetual flux and I have to make many decisions whereas before I was in a self-enforced state of pause. The most recent example has surrounded my process of getting rid of my apartment. Originally, I planned to get someone to take over in October, but it was suggested to me that I should post an ad early because it would go better for me if I give people as much of a heads up as possible. Turns out that as soon as I had posted the ad on Kijiji people immediately responded to the ad and they were wanting to move in September 1st. It caught me off guard to the point that I didn't even have the appropriate paperwork ready. It was probably a good problem to have, but it has definitely bumped up my time table. Now, I am moving within the week. For one month, I am going to move in with the Life Together folks and then from there head to Nelson. I didn't even get to settle into the old apartment and I'm heading back out into the next phase of my life which I am labeling the "Hobo Years".

I couple of things have been going around in my head since this development, one being the fact I am moving from the place I have lived for the last five years and now I have no place for my things. It will all be borrowed for the next long while. I am going to be leaving some items at the Life Together house and taking only the essentials. Clothes, bedding, toiletries, my video camera and computer. I will officially be homeless in that I won't be paying for my own place for a while. My little living area will be borrowed. For me, I am excited to be free of such responsibilities. I am now turning into a guest in another home for a while, but it is a different scenario than when I am paying for my place directly. It is going to be an adventure like the video games I always played. I am going to a place to complete a quest along with some side tasks. Yes, nerdy I know, but at the same time very accurate. Plus I am doing the thing that I always wanted to devote more time to, but was unsure of how I could do it.

The other I was thinking about could be epitomized from my encounter with Lance on Saturday. Greg and I went over to his place and chilled out in his new hot tub and were catching up with each other. Lance and Char are in the middle of renovating their backyard and we started talking about the future projects including the completion of his deck, a patio and in general transforming it into something that sounds awesome. I should probably clarify that. Greg and Lance discussed that. I sort of stayed quiet. I didn't know much about that kind of stuff, because I've never thought about it. It never interested me. Greg however, was able to keep pace with Lance and had clearly considered that kind of stuff before. Mind you, Greg does work in construction.

He is, however, not the only one of my friends who has some idea of what their future home would have. People in my small group can talk about their homes/future homes and what they would have or are going to do with their home or what they want to change and how they'd do it. I do my best to feign interest, but I couldn't care less about that stuff.

For the last five years I was going to put up posters in my bedroom to spruce it up, but I never got around to it. In fact, I don't think that the room was a hundred percent cleaned. The thing was, I didn't care. The only reason I wanted to do that was because I figured that what normal people do. They want their room to be unique and reflect who they are. So they decorate or arrange things in the way that portrays their personality not so much for the sake of showing off, but for their own sake of expression. That's what I assume anyway. I don't care what that room looks like. I store clothes and spend my time being unconscious in there. Why would I care what it looks like? I didn't decorate my room to be a reflection of who I am, because I didn't care what it looked like and thought it was unnecessary work and thus it ironically became a reflection of who I am.

My living space is where all my decorations are. However, all the things that I have populated my apartment with came from convenience. All my furniture was either stuff that my old roommates had and then left with me when they moved or were standees from work. When a promotion of a new movie had come to an end, I would take the standee of a character or the poster home because I thought, "Sweet, here is a free shelf and it makes it look like I tried to decorate." Aside from two posters, I didn't buy anything to add to my home. Not dishes, not towels, not furniture (except for a TV and the game systems). I have never improved my home. The decorations are purely there because other people put up stuff in their home and I wouldn't have to hear the comments like, "The walls look so barren".

The reason this has stuck out to me is because I am closing up shop here and there is nothing to close up. I don't care for any of it. The reason I'm making arrangements to leave it here in the city is so that when I return I don't have to go through the drudgery of having to find new furniture and have to spend money on it. It's not the money part that bothers me, but rather the whole fact I have to spend any time and any money on something I don't care about at all. It's just that unless you want to be a furnitureless weirdo, you have that stuff so that you can make a house more hospitable and inviting.

Some would say, "Dave, that stuff doesn't matter. A home is about the people inside." Yes, true. But finding a girl who doesn't care about that stuff too, would be mighty difficult. A lot of perception of what is needed to create a space for a family comes from how you approach your home. If I don't even care a little bit about the space I live, then I don't really care about the space when other people are there.

There is a security that comes with a home. An idea that this is a space where a family is safe to be and I have a hard time with that. I really don't care about that space and my fear is that if I don't care about setting up a home that I wouldn't really be caring for my future family.

It all boils down to this. I have been standing at a crossroads for nine years. Do I choose the life of a performance artist and devote my time and lifestyle to becoming a better one or do I choose to become responsible for my future family and pursue a stable home and income. I've to the point that I've realized that I have been standing at that fork in the road for so long and realized that I haven't chosen and now I will have difficulty pursuing either due to my lack of decision.

I think the main reason I haven't chosen is because I do not want to choose the wrong one. If I choose to pursue comedy, I may not succeed well enough to be able to build a home for a family. If I choose the stable life, then I may yearn for a life of doing what I want to do and blame it on the family that held me back. So I have instead chosen a safe life. I had a job and stuck with it to at least pay off debts and have benefits and I would do the safe approach of doing skits for free at youth retreats just so that I had an avenue to do some but not really pushing myself. It's like the parable Jesus about the talents. I didn't want to risk anything, so I wound up taking my talents and burying them in the sand and at the end of the day, not having anymore than when I started.

Now, I am finally choosing, perhaps way too late to go and do my passion. I am turning away from building my home and a lifestyle that I could bring a family into. It scares me a little. Especially since I have found a girl that I care for and who cares for me because I am not sure what I will have at the end of this choice to offer her.

In the end, I have to do this. I can't stay still anymore. I have to choose and not let "what ifs" hold me back at a fork in the road. I have finally figured out that I would rather walk a path that may lead to failure than go nowhere at all.

"In the far off distance
As my taillights fade
No one thinks to witness but they will someday
Feel like a question is forming
And the answer's far
I will be what I could be
Once I get out of this town"
- Pearl Jam's "Gone" from their self-titled album

Lost in Thought: "The End"

Today I picked up "LOST: The Complete Collection" which included all six seasons in one package along with many other nifty extras. Normally, I wouldn't just pick up the entire collection when I already have 5 out of the 6 seasons already, but this was different. LOST really is an entire collection and now that I have seen the show, I can appreciate the entirety of the show. It was truly worth the investment of time and money into one of the most thought-provoking hours of television.

This is as good as any time to do a review of the show as any. I was away from my home computer and was not able to type out a review before, but I have just finished watching the special features of the final season (along with the last twenty minutes of the last episode) and now LOST is once again racing through my mind.

As silly as it is to admit, I have to say that the LOST finale was one of the things that actually impacted me this summer (along with many more important events) and as I watched the cast and crew review the creation of the last season, I was brought to tears and contemplated matters of my own life once more. I think the main reason that this show has hit me as hard as it has is the fact that this show focuses on the nature of humanity. Mind you, many movies, TV shows and books do that, but it may be one of the few that deals with the state of spirituality in the modern era.

When I was talking with Pastor Arden from Nelson (where I will be heading in just over a month), he pointed out that LOST highlights the need of spirituality that modern North American culture yearns for but has been disenfranchised with due to bad experiences with religion or unfamiliar with due to a lack of experience with religion. LOST is a summary of North American spirituality. Even though Lost is not a Christian show, it clearly tackles the same issue that Christianity (along with other world religions) addresses.

I know that many people were disappointed with the apparent lack of answers to many questions, I still feel that at the end of the show, all the major questions I had were addressed. Sure, there are many that were left hanging, but to go out of the way to answer it would have been answering it for the sake of answering it and thus taking away from the major narrative of the story. Although, a few of those questions were addressed in a special 10 minute segment made for the DVD. However, it would have been strangely out of place had they put those into the finale itself or really into the final season at all. For the sake of those who care to check it out, they talk about questions like "What was the deal with the palette drops in season 2?" or "What was so special about Walt?" It was interesting, but not necessary. Especially after watching the other special features and being again reminded of what that show was.

Lost had two major themes that came through out the show and that was the idea of community and redemption.

In season one the castaways were faced with a dire situation and they were deciding how to deal with things and it was pretty chaotic. It was at this point that Jack stepped forward and talked about how people needed to band together if they were to survive.

"Last week most of us were strangers. But we're all here now. And God knows how long we're going to be here. But if we can't live together—we're gonna die alone"

With that line, one of the foundations of the show was laid. Live together or die alone. There was multiple times in making the movie trailers throughout the summer that I referenced that idea and I even named one of my speeches at the Kootenay camp "Live Together or Die Alone". The flash sideways was used to underscore that main tenet of the show. Whatever happens in the after life, we are going to be facing it together. One of the thoughts I have had about death is that when we go to face our judgment, it is not going to be me facing God, but rather us as a humanity and it will be our ability to live as a people who took care of each like God commanded us that will be judged. God knows that we are not doing that now and it will have to be on the mercy of Jesus Christ that we are forgiven for failing as a humanity.

I think that we should not be simply concerned with our own personal redemption, but rather the redemption of humanity. It puts a different spin on why we do good works. It means that we do good works, not for the sake of salvation, but rather as an avenue to aid our fellow humanity who we are ultimately going to be linked with in the afterlife.

The other major theme is redemption which I have already touched on, but it specifically about how no matter our situation and background, we are capable of being redeemed. No one is beyond redemption and it is up to us to embrace that change in character. In the show, we have a group of people who are flawed, but in the situation they find themselves in on the island, they are brought to a place where they can find redemption and become the hero archtype that should be outside of their grasp.

In the same way, humanity are faced with situations and people who stand in their way and it is possible for a person to rise above and become the enlightened hero. We may not have to face a foe as powerful as Darth Vader, but like the characters in Lost, we may face people like a boss that bullies us or an impossible standard put before us by our father and our redemption and evolution into a person of a heroic archtype is found in the trials of our character along with the support of the community.

In the end, what I walk away with at the end of Lost is that people can be redeemed and that it is found through the power of the good community. Of course, I would submit that it also requires the pursuit of goodness that is found at the core of teachings of Jesus, but for a network television series to actually address anything of spiritual significance and in a profound way is amazing.

One of the reasons the ending of the show has impacted me as much as it did this summer was the imagery it used in the flash sideways. The idea that people would find each other in the afterlife before they move onto their final destination was fascinating. I was thinking about what would my flash sideways look like and I have a feeling that it would look like camp. A camp where the people significant would gather and it would be around the camp fire where we'd realize the significance of each other in each others lives. I can imagine some people would be around that fire and it is such an interesting exercise.

So my question to you is: Who would be in your flash sideways and what would it look like for you?

For me, Lost was a fantastic show that dealt with issues rarely touched by television and actually got me thinking inwardly as to where am I in the whole scheme of things and that is something I can't say for a lot of things. Kudos to the cast and crew to making one of the best shows on television.

(It kills me to quote a Creed song, but alas, the song fits perfect)

"Why hold down one to raise another?
Discrimination now on both sides
Seeds of hate blossom further
The world is heading for mutiny
When all we want is unity
We may rise and fall, but in the end
We meet our fate together"
- Creed's "One" from their album "My Own Prison"

Too Much To Say

I just got home last night and I can't bring myself to sleep quite yet. My mind is filled with a lot of thoughts right now. Thoughts of the future, memories of this summer, preparations for the wedding reception I am the master of ceremony for, the girl I can't stop thinking about, what am I going to do for the next couple of months while I live in Winnipeg, wrestling in my mind about my relationship with my mom. It is all tumbling around in my mind, and I still haven't unpacked from the summer yet.

Although, it may sound like I am complaining, but in actuality, I am quite exhilarated. Sunday will be a good day to recover from one adventurous summer and to take it easy. This week coming up will be one to reflect and prep for the next couple of months. I have a couple of months before I head west and I have some decisions to make and I hope I don't get so wrapped up in the future, that I forget to live in the present and make wise choices now.

On Monday, I plan on starting to develop my last comedy show for Winnipeg with the help of a very smart and organized friend and put something together that will be an appropriate good bye to the community that I have spent the last eight years with. I have a rough idea of how the show will be designed and I hope that I can pull it together in the midst of other important tasks that need to be done before one moves to another province.

There is so much I want to write, but it is late. I suppose I wanted to set the stage for myself to write down some various thoughts in the next while and I hope that in the midst of this time of change that I can crystalize those thoughts for the sake of later when I think back to this major turning point in my life. I will get to it later after this last crazy day.

"Such is the way of the world
You can never know
Just where to put all your faith
And how will it grow

Gonna rise up
Burning back holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold
And suddenly swallowed by signs
Low and behold

Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole"
- Eddie Vedder's "Rise" from the "Into the Wild" soundtrack

Day Eleven: Away I Go

I have been in Calgary a couple of days now and I have found it a little more relaxing. So much had to be done in Vancouver that it had a bit of a cloud over it. Not much, but I was always commuting somewhere or working on this or that. Here, since the bulk of things are done, I am relaxing more and reflecting more on my trip and the experiences and people I've met so far.

Everyday it feels like I have some significant conversation with someone or a strange encounter. Each one reminding me of where I am in relation to things. How I have changed so much and my perspective is becoming more and more uniquely my own. Each person has challenged or reinforced or encouraged me. This has been good for me and I am definitely glad I have decided to spend the money to do something I hadn't been able to in Winnipeg while I worked and that is to connect to other people. Theoretically, I could have done all of this in Winnipeg, but there are people I don't get to see or talk to often and besides I am getting fodder for conversations back home.

In essence I feel like I am going through my own personal version of "Away We Go". By the way, if you have not, go and buy it or rent it and watch it and fall in love with life again. You need to read that previous sentence with Will Ferrel's James Lipton impersonation from "Inside the Actor's Studio". Each place I go has it's own distinct feel and distinct impact and reflection. It has been great to help me prepare for the Camp Ministry Team that I will be doing this summer.

I am in a vastly different place now than I was when I first was on Covenant Bible College's TEAM back in 2002. The eight years have taught me, broken me and have grown me. I just noticed that I like to use a lot of lists of descriptions. Strange. Anyway, although my theology and outlook has changed, at the same time I am still the same essence of the person that I was before.

When I get back, I will be heading back into the crunch time of putting the show together and I hope it works out. I like to think about the grand picture and my place in it and all of that theoretical stuff, but I need to make sure I get the things done that need to get done. Get back to bringing the theoretical into the practical.

"Well I have been searching all my days,
All my days
Many a road, you know
I've been walking on
All of my days
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep changing into nights"
- "All My Days" from Alexi Murdoch's album "Time Without Consequence"

Day Four: Magical Mystery Tour

I have just settled into the apartment of my good friends, Aaron and Caitlin. I spent the day travelling. I always thought it would be a fairly straight forward matter to go from Victoria to Vancouver. You know, jump on the ferry and ta-da! You're there. Apparently, it takes a 45 minute bus ride to catch the ferry which takes an hour and a half to get to the other side at which point you ride another bus for another 45 minutes and then finally ride the sky train for another ... twenty, thirty minutes? I don't really know. Time just kind of blurred away.

After I said good-bye to Bryan as he turned around and reboarded the ferry back to Victoria, I put in my music which I figured should be Matthew Good's new album called "Vancouver". I felt it was appropriate. Besides, I hadn't really listened to the album too much since I bought it and if I were to listen to an album on repeat, this only made sense. I really liked it. Many of the songs I enjoy like "Last Parade", "The Boy Who Could Explode", "Us Remains Impossible" and "Fought to Fight It". It's interesting to travel into the city listening to an album about it through the lens of someone else. You start to get a sense of what he sees in it.

It's funny, I haven't really listened to an album straight through too often since I first bought an iPod. I mean there have been exceptions like when I bought "Backspacer" or Nirvana's "Live at Reading" or Good's previous album "Hospital Music". I usually don't buy a lot of albums any more usually because I don't want to risk money on songs I don't know. Before digital media came along, you never really had that option, but here we are.

The whole experience reminds me of when I was in high school when I came to Winnipeg for one of the first times in my life to do work experience at the Manitoba Theatre for Young People and all I had for a CD with me was Collective Soul's self-titled album. I listened to that on repeat for the whole week. I remember how the song "Smashing Young Man" was my inspiration and how many of the other songs resonated with me at that time.

One of the first albums I was ever given was a Jars of Clay CD and I don't remember which one, but I think I may have liked one song off of it and that was all. Meanwhile, one of my friends gave me (by throwing it at my head) Green Day's "Dookie" and since it was free, I listened to it. I had never heard anything that talked about something different than happy go lucky Jesus and this spoke to things I identified with. I mean, now, I'm not in that place anymore, but at the time, it was eye-opening.

Christian music has rarely impacted me as much as secular music, although one could easily argue that Collective Soul's music is pretty consistently spiritual, it is never overtly a specific religion. I find a lot of Christian music to be fairly one-dimensional. Maybe occasionally two-dimensional. It always feels a little ... shallow? Is that what I want to say? I suppose that is my problem with always coming from a Christian perspective. Everything feels a little white-washed and shiny. That it never admits the full range of human experience.

It seems to me that to have a full understanding of what it means to be human, you have to see the other side. You get to see it when you spend time with the homeless or the poor or the forgotten. You get to see it when you see someone face the dark shadows of life without some hope in a loving God. It is the same thing as how people that dwell in the dark matter have to listen to something positive in order to get a better understanding.

For me, I see it when I listen to music. These artists are sharing their more intimate thoughts in song form. I like music for that reason and specifically lyrics. There are words, but they are poetic. They convey a feeling versus other literature that usually explain everything. Music has a simple way of expressing the heart of the artist while still presenting words which I can somewhat follow. I don't necessarily agree with the artist, but I can identify with them and understand my world a little better and where other people come from.

I've had other many experiences and good conversations along the way, but this was the first one to be written on the screen. I gotta go crash now so I can go explore tomorrow.

"On a night like tonight

When no ones around

I sit in the dark on my hands on the ground

And I smile like the devil smiles

Unseen but proud

Truth be told I don't know who's at the helm

Just sit tight

I'll make my way to you"

- "On Nights Like Tonight" from Matthew Good's album "Vancouver"

Your Will Be Done

A few weeks ago, I posted something about prayer and how I feel like I shouldn't ask for things because it is assuming I know what I need. Perhaps I just need to go through tough times so I can become a stronger person. Anyways, Gavin in the comment section asked about my thoughts on the Lord's prayer and I thought it would be an interesting idea. I would like to think that my ideas on prayer line up with this because if it doesn't, I should be excommunicated. I will say this before I start. Many smarter people have written more in tune ideas about what you're about to read. I'm a fake intellectual.

"Our Father in heaven, hallowed by your name..."

This statement puts everything where it should be. It is a wonderful statement of you are God and I am not in the same league as you. It is important to revere God and sometimes I think that especially with some modern Christians, it is popular to bring God down to our level. That He's our buddy, which I have always felt uncomfortable with. I wrote about this idea a while ago, but it still holds true. God is not one of our human peers. He is the creator of the world. I don't want to hang out with Him at the pub and shoot pool.

"...your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven..."

This is where I see that we have to submit our ideas to what God would have us do. Now, I take this fairly broadly. I once again do not believe that we have to funnel every decision through God and wait for a magic sign for us to proceed on something. That said, we know what God's will is. It is to love God and love others. I'll take a side note and say what I believe it means to love God. The biggest one is respect. When we are talking about loving someone who is in authority, we usually don't mean a romantic love or even a friendship kind of love. Usually, it is a love that shows respect. Like you would to your parents. You show love to your parents by obeying them and valuing their input. You want to love God? It's not by merely saying that you love God, it is also about trying to lead a discipline life.

This prayer reminds us that we want to submit to God and that we want to follow his will. It is also admitting that God's idea of what should happen is not dependent on what I think needs to happen. For the individual, showing respect to God and showing kindness, generosity and compassion for our fellow humankind is our way of backing up our words.

"...give us today our daily bread..."

This implies to me that God is not some magic machine, but rather keeps it simple. I think it also opens us up to being able to make plans. We can make decisions on our own and we can set up our goals as long as we follow God's will of loving Him and loving others. It also puts it on us to actually execute our plans. The prayer does not say that "give us today our daily bread and $40,000 and a passport" but rather just keeps it to what we need. Bread is something we need. God also knows what we need. God knows that if we need $40,000 and a passport and we are working towards it and it is something that needs to happen, it will happen. However, I think we sometimes whole-heartedly believe that we need something specific and maybe it just simply isn't meant to be. Am I saying that it's wrong to ask for something specific? No. I am saying that we need to approach it with humility. That we approach God saying that "This direction seems to be where I need to go and/or where You are calling me next and yet I am not sure how to overcome this obstacle. Help me to find the best way to bring this about whether it is by my hand or with Your help or by Your grace." To me, it seems bizarre that I would declare to God what He should give me.

However, this prayer also admits that we can't always do it on our own, but if God is there to give us the basics, then that is still giving us the ability to do His will.

"...forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors..."

This is, in my mind, an admission of who we are. We are broken and we screw up. It is also a vital reminder about how we need to see our common humanity and how we need to show grace. If this phrase was one that the world could learn to live by, it would be a wonderful thing. It is so difficult to have mercy on those around us when they do something wrong, but somehow we always have a justification for what we do wrong. It is a call to take responsibility, a quality that is elusive to many people. If we do not own up to our own wrongs, then we can never attain the true ability to forgive others and fix broken relationships.

"...and lead us not into temptation..."

This, to me, is one of the most interesting phrases in the prayer. I do not believe that God would lead us to temptation in the first place, so it's a bit curious. In the end, it comes back to the line before it and the line after it and that context is needed. It is another admission of who we are. We are so susceptible to putting ourselves first, that we need God. We need to have it infused into our character to be people of compassion and love, which are not focused on the self but rather outwards. It is a reminder for us that we should not turn in on ourselves but rather keep God's will in mind.

"...but deliver us from the evil one."

Some transcripts say "evil" and not the "evil one". Call me a heretic if you will, but I have been reluctant to admit that there is a devil. In fact, I would even say I don't. Because even if he did exist, it really should not affect how we live our lives. I think that some times when people believe that a devil is trying to get them to do evil things, that it sort of gives people a scape goat for their bad behavior. They tend not to fully own up to their decisions. The fact is, whether it is the devil, another person or our own selfish desire, we still make the decision. It is not anyone else's fault that we make our decisions the way we do. That's why I don't mind not believing in the devil. Just like I don't mind not caring about how Jesus is going to come back because it shouldn't affect how I should live now or even in the future. In some regards we are our own devil. The fight of good and evil is mostly inside the individual. I tend to think that you really can't change people, you can only really change yourself. What is a good decision and what is an evil decision comes down to whether we are others-focused or self-focused. Our temptations are all around us to put ourselves first and maybe some devil is trying to push us in a direction he wants us to go, but he never makes our decisions for us.

I guess, in reflection of the Lord's prayer as a whole, it really has given the outline to my theology. It's interesting because I think that is almost the point of the prayer. This is an outline of what is important in this shared relationship with the heavenly Father. God has given us incredible freedom but we also have the responsibility to a live a life that is in the moment and full of love and grace which is the most difficult life. However, through the grace of God we can live up to it and make it so His will will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

"Too many men

There's too many people

Making too many problems

And not much love to go around

Can't you see

This is a land of confusion.

Now this is the world we live in

And these are the hands we're given

Use them and let's start trying

To make it a place worth fighting for."

- "Land of Confusion" by Genesis from their album "Invisible Touch"

...and Perhaps a Sixth Path?

As I just recently posted, I was thinking about life paths that we all journey down (on a broad scale anyway), but each one of us focuses on a different one. I got a response from Brett, who pointed out one that I had missed and it made a lot of sense and thought I would add an addendum.

The missing path is one that she called (and I think is a suitable title) the Self Improvement path. It is one where the individual focuses on improving themselves either intellectually, physically, and spiritually. It may be learning about the arts, reading a wide array of topics, going to classes and learning new skills. It may be exercising, eating better, presenting themselves better and becoming stylish. It may be serving others, going to church, prayer, reflection and meditation. This path is about becoming a more well-rounded person and focusing here can improve the other areas of life. The other advantage to this path is that it can give you a better self esteem and autonomy. You can be content by yourself.

This path has a lot to do with your down time. In fact, I see this as very much related and very much opposed to the Selfish path. The Self Improvement takes your time off and will typically improve the quality of your life, while the Selfish path is potentially destructive. Self Improvement will benefit you in the long run while the Selfish is usually about immediate satisfaction. If vice appears in the vacuum, then keeping yourself busy with other endeavors that actually build your spirit, then you are less likely to spend that time destroying it.

I should point out that there is admittedly an occasional overlap between the different paths, because the Adventurer may pick up a variety of random skills and are exploring the world out of a spiritual drive, but I think there is a distinct difference in that one is going out in the world and discovering truths from others and different cultures and the other is to themselves trying to become better able to make it in the world. There are similarities, but they are differences.

I'm sure I will be thinking about this stuff for a while, because I'm a nerd like that.

The Five Life Paths

I am a fan of categorizing things (bet you think this is going to be a terribly boring entry) and I find it very easy to compare things I see in my life to things I see in movies or stories. Or vice versa. Perhaps that's why I can really get drawn into certain movies. Like "Man on the Moon" which is about Andy Kaufmann who was this strange comedian who liked to mess with people. There were some moments where I was right there and could identify with where this guy was coming from.

I like things being defined. I like to know where I stand. I want to know how I can move from this position and move to a better definition.

Recently as I've been contemplating my next moves, I have thinking about where I am and where I should be. I know that various people are at different places and they are living their life with a certain level of success. However, success is defined differently by each individual as what they want out of life is unique.

It seems to me that in general, there are five different life paths that people choose from and pursue. These grow out of four basic ideals that a person may hold. People go about their lives advancing themselves down these four ideals with different focuses in the different areas.

The first is the Professional path where a person does what they do to earn money. This is their career. This is not a some job at the burger joint, this is their career. If these were defined by levels (I'm borrowing from video games here) then the lowest level would be doing a job that has nothing to even do with what you want or doing a job that means nothing to you. As you go up in levels here, it turns into you getting a career you want and advancing yourself in it. The advantages to focusing here is that it gives you income, a sense of belonging, and improve quality of life.

The second path is the Family where a person tries to pull together a home with a spouse and kids and a home. As people advance down this path, it goes through dating, marriage, kids, home and improving the relationships therein. The advantages here tap into the core of humans and that is that we are social beings, looking for people to love and be loved by and to leave a legacy of sorts. It also provides a sense of emotional security.

The third path is the Adventure path where a person explores the world around them and does things that expands their knowledge and experiences. This can be very open from people who go and do missionary work to people spending time in nature to going into places that a normal person wouldn't find themselves. The big advantage found here is the enlightenment and wisdom that is found in the unfamiliar as well as capturing the innate spirit of curiosity that a person holds. This is definitely the rarest path for a person to follow because of a lack of financial and emotional support. Although those wandering spirits out there get over that and thrive here.

The fourth path is actually not really a positive path, but is rather selfish and that is why I will call it the Selfish path. It is one where the person lives to fulfill themselves with things that are temporary but are more importantly immediate. They can usually be outright destructive, but can also be more subtle and corrosive. That said, they can also be used in moderation as a temporary relief. These things can range from things as simple as watching TV and playing games to full on drugs and buying prostitutes. Whatever brings relief. The danger here is that this lifestyle is a leach on the other good things in life. Used appropriately, it can help us cope in a world filled with disappointment and pain. People who focus there life here are usually plagued by a life unfulfilled, a life wasted or a life destroyed if it's really bad. Unlike the other paths, you want this one to relatively low.

Obviously, people are not purely defined by one of these paths, but people have one maybe two that they focus on and are doing well at. And all people have a different level in each of the four. And that's fine. But most everyone has one that is at an appropriate level. Maybe the Professional has a job in his chosen field and is doing well for that, but the one who has focused in the Adventure side for as long has a life with many interesting and good things too despite maybe not having the purchasing power of the Professional. They are both successful and content but for different reasons.

That said, a person who lacks one of these paths (with the exception of the Selfish path) may actually find themselves unfulfilled. Not necessarily, but possibly. It's common in a lot of movies. You have the married professional who is miserable because he feels like he missed out on his youth and goes on road trips or bangs the secretary or what have you in order to reach for the Adventure that he has been lacking. Or you have the successful playboy who is miserable because he has been missing love in his (which I am pretty sure that that is every single Matthew McConnaughey movie out there). Or you maybe you have the good old boy from the country who heads to the city and tries to make in the city and get a big time job. And if people do not bring in their lacking path, then they may turn to the easy, yet possibly destructive Selfish path.

This brings me to the fifth path, which is not really a path, but rather a lack of one. These people are the Bystanders. These are the people that don't really have a career, they don't really have a family, they haven't really ventured out, but they aren't really destroying their lives either. The difference between the Bystander and the Selfish is that they are in a relatively stable position in their life, whereas one who has embraced the Selfish lifestyle is in a place that might be harming their chances of success in the other three paths.

A Bystander, however, just does not have any advancement on really any of the paths. It's probably one of the hardest to be in as you get older because it doesn't seem like life is going anywhere. They may want to be more advanced than where they are, but things didn't land well for them or they wasted too much time. I feel I am in this category. Currently that is.

A person my age should be at a certain level in one of the three. Some friends of mine are literally doing the thing they wanted to be doing when they went to college and they are in their careers. They may be at the start of their careers and they can still move up, but they are there. Others my age are married and some even have kids, although I would say the no kids scenario is more typical. As for the adventure side, my friend Del has to be right in there as he has been to so many places and met so many people while others have travelled the world and been in the some of the craziest scenarios. Some friends are even up in two of the categories.

As for me, I am not doing what I really want to be doing and I didn't know for the longest time what I really wanted. I never had a super strong desire to go anywhere. As for the family thing, I mean, you really can't force that and frankly I don't know what I'm doing in that part of my life. I know I want to be married and have kids, but that doesn't mean anything. As for adventure, I would love to pursue that more, but I can't really mess around with that. I don't have anything to fall back on financially. To a certain degree, I think I have earned a few stripes in this category anyway.

What was the whole point of this long explanation of my weird understanding of things? Well, I mean isn't that the point of a blog? And secondly, I have woken up recently, looked around and have realized that life is slipping by me. I'm missing out somewhere and I don't want to do that. I want to be successful, I want to love, I want to adventure. And I'm not doing that. I am spinning my wheels.

Now it's time to suit up and figure out what to do before it really is too late.

"Life ends in a stereo, pack me up and let's go
Put me anywhere, please don't think of leaving me behind
Whatever happens to you, I'll get on just fine"

- "Stereo" by The Watchmen from the album Silent Radar

What is in the Hatch Already?

I picked up the new season of Lost and it's got me excited once more for my favorite TV show. Yes, even more favourite than 24. As I have watched the show go along and seeing how things are coming together, I am excited to see where the story goes and it has me thinking again about what could be.

J.J. Abrams, the creator of Lost and a director with a keen knowledge of film and story, talked about mystery in stories. He said that mystery is what drives characters through a story. It's what brings the audience through a story. He believes that mystery is key in telling an engaging story.

I was reflecting on how that is not only true in why I am drawn into Lost, but perhaps that is what pulls a lot of people through the story of their own lives. I mean, we have the mystery of how will our career turnout? Who will I marry? Are my kids going to be successful? Who is God? Where do I fit?

People have gotten with how Lost is taking it's time in revealing the nature of the island and what is going on and I think people are missing the point. Although the writer's could tell you what everything is, it would suck the life out of the show. If I had told you what was in the hatch that they found at the end of season 1 and what it does, it would severely take away the wonder and awe of discovering it with the characters and then seeing how the characters deal with it. This wonderment is key because this show is not about the answers. It's about the characters. It's about what the characters do in this situation where they don't know the answers but they continue to live and figure the best way through the chaos.

It's the same for us. We could have definite answers about our future and the exact nature of God, but I think there is something to mystery that needs to permeate into our lives. We can't know every detail for the reasons why things work the way they do and ultimately, I think it would be a disservice to us as individuals created in God's image. If we are wrapped in a mystery, the thing we are left with is who are we in the midst of it all. Who am I going to be despite the situation where there are unknowns. Are we going to throw up our hands and hang out at the beach and wait for death to come get us or are we going to live in such a way that explores the mystery. A way of life that tries to do the best they can with the strange scenarios we are plunked into.

Lost is a show about broken people given a chance to change how they approach their lives and enable them to see their essential true selves in the face of a wall of mystery. Their past lives may dictate why they do things they do, but that doesn't mean they can't change. They can change their fate. And through the grace of God, so can we.

I got troubles, ah, but not today

'Cause they're gonna wash away

They're gonna wash away

And I have sins love, but not today

'Cause they're gonna wash away

They're gonna wash away

- Joe Purdy's "Wash Away" from the album Julie Blue

Full Circle

It's been a little while since I have come back to my blog and I think that it's funny that they last post is in a place where I once again find myself. As I reflect on these last ten months, it's weird to think that I have come full circle. I was searching for a major change. But I couldn't find it. My scenario really didn't change. I found myself treading into a darker and darker place. I went to Toronto with my brother in order to get away and reflect about what I should do. I had a great encounter with my friend, Michelle, who gave me some encouragement and advice. I then went to speak at Covenant Bay Bible Camp and caught a glimpse of a change. I wanted to not have to feel like I have to settle.

I came back to Winnipeg and got the idea for perhaps doing a new sketch comedy tour. It gave me a goal.

Then came along Rebecca. I won't get too much into it, but one thing that I was enjoying was how things seem to have finally looked like they were progressing. Like I was getting things together. I had a glimpse of a life of hope and a place of what I should be doing and I was moving there.

It all changed, though. I screwed it up. There's not much there to defend me. I found out who really am behind it all, and it turns out that I'm not as good as I thought. I mean, I never had the idea that I was perfect, but I always imagined that I was a higher caliber of guy who just hadn't found his niche. It turns out that I'm not. I'm just another guy who doesn't know who he is. Which is really, honestly disappointing.

I am back at the place ten months ago. I want change. I want to change. I have nothing here. I want nothing here. Well, almost nothing here. I lost my love for people. I lost my love. I lost love. I don't have a desire to do anything. I am passing time, it feels.

Rob reminded me of a Smashing Pumpkins song and the line "I'm in love with my sadness" and if I become like that, he is going to punch me. He's got a good point. I gotta keep on the positive side. And it's been difficult to do so. Really, what I would like is to want. I want desire. I've been so concerned with making other people happy and seeing things from other's perspectives for so long that the idea of what I want has been bleached away and faded. Who is David Rae? I don't know. A lot of people don't really try to look into who I really am and my reflective side. They think I am the guy on stage. People who know me better tell me I'm a hard guy to pin down. That the line between me and my sarcasm is blurred. Now, I fear I may have actually fooled myself this whole time. That even I do not know who I am. Maybe I have to go find him.

"When everything starts to fall

So fast that it terrifies you

When will you hit the wall?

Are you gonna learn to fly?

No one would believe it

Except for all the people

Watching as you fly away

Baby when I get home

I want to pick up the pieces

Hammer in the final nail

And lean me up against Jesus"

- "Time Bomb" from Dave Matthews Band's Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King

If Faith Covenant Church Could Choose a Modern Day Prophet, It Would Be Rob Bell

At church a couple of weeks ago, the topic was service. What was interesting to me was from a Rob Bell video. It may just be me, but it seems like if Faith Covenant Church could choose a modern day prophet, it would be Rob Bell. Which I would be fine with. Anyway, Rob was talking about how Jesus was going from town to town, preaching and healing and in one town, they wanted Jesus to stay. But Jesus keep heading to Jerusalem. Of course, Jesus could have stayed and done many good things, but that was not what Jesus was there for. Jesus had his sight set on Jerusalem. He had chosen his path and had to say no to the things that would take Him away from that path. In the same way, we can't take up everything that comes our way. We can't because there is too much for us.

Rob goes on to talk about about this idea of Kierkegaard, about willing the one thing. Focusing our energy into the thing we're supposed to be doing. If we are going to say yes to everything, we're not going to be able to do the thing where our strength lies. Of course all of these different things can be good things, but we don't have the capability to do all things. We have to choose wisely.

So the question came up, what should I be focusing on? What should be the thing that I focus on? What has God given me the ability to do? And I simply don't know. I mean I do have a plan of how I can take care of myself financially and everything, but that is not anything special. I mean, my skill set is weird. I can sort of write. I am better than some average schmuck with public speaking. I am funny to a degree. I would like to think that I am very adaptive in my thinking. I would like to think that I am objective in my approach. I should point out that whatever my focus is, the one thing I will, I don't see it as my job. Maybe that's my problem. But whatever my job is or will be, it's just the thing I do for money. It seems like there should be some magnum opus that I am supposed to be working on that I'm not while I wasting my time doing other things that are just in the way.

It's odd, although I believe that I am handling work well and that in some ways things are right, it feels like the whole ship is following the wrong current, and I am unsettled. It's like I'm meant to be a wanderer but I'm too busying setting up shop and trying to be responsible. I'm torn between some unknown dream that I can't grasp and a life of duty and hard work because there's no safety net. If I try to 'go find myself' and not find me, I am going to pooch myself doubly. Yet if I let myself get older, I may discover myself too late to be what I am supposed to be.

Unsettled is basically the summary of this post. But we'll all float on ok, we'll all float on alright.

Ecclesiastes is the "Nevermind" of the Bible

I love Nirvana. The band, not the state of spiritual enlightenment. Wait, is that enlightenment? I mean, it's about nothing. Nirvana is the Seinfeld of spiritual states. I do like Seinfeld, so maybe it's not so bad. Although I have a feeling nirvana has less observation quips and crazy, one-word summary characters.

Wow, I really got off-track right off the start with that. Back to Nirvana, the band, not the spiritual state. Even as I write this, I am listening to "Scentless Apprentice" as it talks about isolation and alienation from those around me. For some reason, I can't help but enjoy their music despite the fact that it is pessimistic and the dwells on the scum that lies on the underbelly of humanity. The elusive and despair-filled lyrics and rather simplistic music might be distasteful to those who appreciate a certain level of technical skill with their music, but I find that their music is so imbued with emotion and a stark look at the pathetic nature of humanity that it is somehow irresistible. Although I cannot say that I am negative or even can really comprehend his world view, I find his perspective and music intriguing. It gets me in the gut. I connect to it in this strange way. That if I did not fight the demons of a selfish humanity and the seemingly overwhelming power of dark humanity that I struggle against, that I would view the world in the same way. Especially in these last couple of weeks of some of the worst tragedies of recent Manitoba history.

I almost look at Kurt Cobain as some sort of bizarro twin. I should qualify that not with some sort of assumption that I really know who he was and what he thought, but rather my perception of him that I gathered from his music and from what I heard of him. I guess I should say that I look at the legend or image that I have of Kurt Cobain is my bizarro twin. I am trying to respect his memory here. Some how I see a part of myself, the deep down visceral part of me that identifies myself with him.

For some reason, I am drawn to that pessimistic side of myself and while simultaneously trying to react against it. I have a hope in a God that imbues hope and purpose into my life. I specifically try to react against that side of myself that looks at the world as a disconnected, isolated place with little to offer the human soul. Rather I try to give the world what I think God has called us to and that is to share the grace and hope. Without God, the world is a world where Nirvana makes perfect sense.

I think that's also why I love Ecclesiastes so much. It may very well be my favorite book in the Bible. It is almost the "Nevermind" of the Bible. By the way, Psalm 88 would have to be the "In Utero" of the Bible. Ecclesiastes shows the pointlessness of a trying to pleasure oneself, the pointlessness of gathering wealth, the pointlessness of knowledge. And life is pointless without God, because otherwise everything we do is just us occupying ourselves until a day where we waste away into dust.

I find Ecclesiastes strangely reassuring. That as a Christian, I can recognize the despair of a life without God not as some sort of alien mindset, but rather the thing that I am trying to overcome in myself.

In the end, I connect to Nirvana and their music because it is a connect to a bizarro version of myself, the self I would be without God and it makes me thankful for the hope I have.