For readers of my blog, you would be familiar with the idea I had of only staying for a while and then moving onto something new. Go to a new church and do start the process again. The focus would be on the writing and performing.
However, my other abilities have shown themselves to be something the church wants even more than my performance. They say that I have turned into a mentor-type role. I suppose some have found my conversations with them to be engaging and challenging. It's not like it's something different than what I did before. Most of my conversations with people tend to slant towards more serious topics, which surprise some I'm sure.
It was reasoned to me that I could have more impact on the youth and young adults if I stay and continue to cultivate those relationships as opposed to pull up roots and move on. I can see what they are saying. However, for me that is the exact reason I want to keep moving.
I didn't want to stay because the longer I do, the more I get planted here. I more I get planted here, the harder it will be for me to leave. The harder it is for me to leave, then things will become more permanent. I don't know if I want permanent. I feel like I am better as a stranger. I'm fine with being a stranger in a lot of regards because if I am moving along with nothing permanent, then I don't need much. I don't need to be financially successful. I don't need to commit to something that in the end would be merely an obligation. I can do what I am good at and then go before I have to dig into something fleeting.
I find it too easy for myself to be derailed by some nice, young lady. The longer I stay in the place, the greater chance I get wrapped up in something that will be distracting at best or aggravatingly hurtful at worst. Aggravating in the fact, that I know full well that I will be hurt, but still act foolish anyway. If I knew that I would be leaving in a few months, then I also know that I can put women aside and be less likely to be distracted and less likely to pursue something.
At this point, you may be asking, it sounds like you don't want to stay. You would be right in a lot of regards. I don't want to because I am scared to get ingrained here. I want to protect myself. I also know that it would be great to share theatrical elements in more places and there's a certain longing to do that as well.
However, knowing that I have built these relationships with some and know that it has been beneficial for them to have me here and knowing that I am more than just the comedian to them, I feel like I would be selfish to leave them just yet. Perhaps it would be better for sake of the people here that I continue to be involved in this community for a while longer. I care for these folks and if I have a special role in their lives, then I don't want to pull myself out of their lives yet. I want them to be able to gain whatever benefit they can from my experience.
I want to be a man who did what was best for others. I want to honour the abilities the Lord has given me to make better disciples for Christ. If I leave at this point, sure, I would be doing what I want, but sometimes you have to do something you don't necessarily want to because it is better for others that you love. Even if it means it may hurt to do so.
By the way, I do like being here. I enjoy it. These people are great. I am just skittish.
"Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
Ain't turning back for me and you
Don't look over your shoulder
No time for regrets
You got your demons I got mine
Our paths have crossed at a crucial time
Suddenly, we're older
Scared of what's ahead
We were looking for the answers in all the wrong places
But now the chance is knocking on our door
To grab hold of what we been reaching for"
- "Just a Motion Away" from Gino Vannelli's "These are the Days"