February 14, 1983: Grab Life By the Face, Kick It in the Crotch, Suplex It Through a Table

Note from David: This is actually the first thing I ever wrote and it was moments after I was born. Forgive the grammar and spelling. I was a baby for goodness' sake.

Dear Life,I'm David Rae and you have no idea what the hell is coming is at you. I'm going to grab life by the face, kick it in the crotch, suplex it through a table and unman it through my display of superiority and leave it weeping and wailing. I will legimately destroy you, life.

Don't doubt me for a moment because I will get you when you least expect it. I may be in diapers (whether it be tomorrow or when I'm an old man) but my power will allow me to go through life like an iron baseball bat breaking stuff until it eventually gets rusted and stops working.

I will be a strong man. Able to crush anything that you throw at me. Crush it with rippling biceps and hard feet, so I can...step on you. Like grapes. Like grapes at the juice factory, ready to be crushed into juice.

I will be fast. Like a cougar. Or a leopard. Whatever the fast is, I will be it in the sense of my speed of character. My character will change so fast and so often, you won't even know how to deal with me.

I will be tough. As nails. Made out of adamantium. And uranium. Tears will never meet this face. And I will laugh at those who do. I will never let anybody tickle me, because I would giggle and then I would have to fight them. But because I will be a colossus and I will win fights by default.

I will be smart like a dolphin or a chihuahua. Or however you'd spell that. My mind will be so powerful that I will solve any problem. And if I couldn't I'd simply use my mind powers to blow it up.

I will be wise like a serpent. A crafty, jerktard of a creature, ready to pounce with my wisdom and injecting it into the veins of others and they will faint from the poison of my deity-like wisdom which apparently comes as poison.

I will be charismatic like an eagle. I will be a ladies' man. I will have line-ups of ladies ready to make out and a line of dudes ready to give me hi-fives. I will know what to say at the right times and if I say it right, they'll give me five bucks.

What do you got, life? Nothing in comparison to all that. That is an awesome mix of animals in one super animal. And I am that super animal. Oh and I will have all the humility in the world, you son of a donkey-butt.

But now I'm going to have a nap. And maybe some applesauce. And then watch out because I will never need sleep again.

Your dominatrix,
David "King of Pain" Rae

Things quickly changed after this.