That Glimmer of Hope Was Vomitted Upon By the Cruel Demon of Reasons for Suicide

Ok, so I know for those who have spent any significant amount of time talking to me know that I am frustrated with the dating scenario in my life. Or more like the lack of one. Things are usually convoluted and strange. And I don't know how it happens.

But as of tonight, I have another weird story to add to the pile. My good brother, Darwin, invited me out to his company's party which happen to take place at Celebrations Dinner Theatre. I always wanted to go but it was so expensive for one meal. That's why I was all over it. I'll take any meal that's free.

I arrived by bus to the restaurant and I was ready for laughter and tears and heck, maybe I'll even learn something. I walk to the doors and see Darwin and go up to him. It was not long before I was accosted by one of his co-workers.

"Is that your brother, Darwin? Is he single?"

I should have lied. Said I had a girlfriend. But it was too late.

Now, I don't usually believe in auras. But if you could summarize "maneater" in an aura, that was the feeling I garnered from within moments of encountering her. I don't know what I mean by "maneater", but it seems suitable.

Apparently, I am tall and that is the thing that won her over. Apparently, she thought that we looked like a good couple when we stood together. She gave me her number. Actually, that is how I learned her name. Her name was on the piece of paper with her number on it. By this point, I have barely gotten my coat off and have said maybe ten words total since entering the building.

I wanted to leave. As we stood in line, she was playfully telling Darwin that he was in her way and that she wanted to stand next to me. I thank the Lord above that Darwin gets along with her and while he did that, I could quietly pray for sweet death.

One hope that I had was that the tickets to get inside indicated a specific table and seat. And ours were nowhere near her. That glimmer of hope was vomited upon by the cruel demon of reasons for suicide. We were let in and as long as we sat where the company had tables reserved, we could sit anywhere! Yea for freedom of choice!

Fortunately, Darwin and I got it first and I'm a fast thinker and quickly proceeded towards a table and went for the far chair so that there was only one chair next to me. Darwin sat there. It was fortunate that Darwin sat there, because The Crazy was hot on our tails. She sat next to Darwin. She then continued to complain that he was in her way of sitting next to me. Normally, I'm not a fan of Darwin's unending stubbornness, but it saved me tonight. I then pointed out to her that if she wanted to talk to me, she would talk to me and not be seemingly flirting with my brother.

That was the mistake of the night that led her to move to the seat across from me. Damn.

I was hoping that if I could imagineer a way out of my physical body, that I could escape. She then noted that I didn't talk much. I responded that the only thing that was talked about so far was how she wanted to flirt with me. She said she was trying. It was trying in the same way, that old, dying donkeys try not to fart so much.

I needed a strategy change. I figured if I could prove that we did not match up at all, then the whole thing would disappear. I needed to draw all my powers of awkwardness to full fruition in order to end it. I've been doing that since I hit puberty. And all my awkward dating scenarios having been prepping me for this night. I would need all my strength and skills of strange jokes and terrible social negotiations to make sure it ended right.

I go about trying to have a conversation by asking her what she likes, what she does and the like. Normal questions. Or so I thought. All her answers were "I don't do that" or "no" or "country music" and if there could be a vague possibility of innuendo in a question, she would say, "You don't want to know what I'm thinking." But no matter what, they were always dead end answers. Yet, if there was a long pause, she would demand that I talk and keep the conversation going.

Of course, when I told her about the things I like, it was like trying to explain how to make the perfect crumble cake to a dead otter. She knew the name of Johnny Cash. That was it. She may have known that he was a musician, although the jury is still out on that one. She didn't know anything about Nirvana, because "that guy is dead, right?" In fact, if the person was dead, it was a strong chance that she didn't know anything about them.

She has no interests in sports, hardly watched movies, barely any TV (except for "Dr. Phil"), did not read, did nothing in the creative realm, has no aspirations.

Her reaction to finding out that I want to be a mortician was an audible gag reflex. She was horrified that any human would want such a job.

Things were going well. Or so I thought.

To my horrified surprise, she still thought we would make a great couple. Apparently good conversation is not necessary. Or the fact that we share nothing in common (me liking anything at all and her not). Or the fact that my future profession nauseates her.

The night ended and I told Darwin that I never want to see her ever again.

The thing that bothers me most of about this night is the fact that the one person who is obvious about liking me, is clearly desperate. I mean, is it really a compliment if the person is desperate? I mean, it would be completely different if the girl wasn't so over the top at the start or even if we actually shared anything in common, but there wasn't. This girl didn't want me, she wanted anyone. That is so depressing. People tell me that I will find someone someday. I'm assuming that they are talking about someone that likes me and wants to be with me. Some one that I will enjoy being with. Someone that I love and cherish. However, it seems like I might have to settle for some one who likes me because I'm tall.